Dear Arya

I am writing this email to you to notify you of a few important momentous details that have been occurring in my life. Rather than have a brief phone interaction with i thought i could detail the events coming up in my life that you as my beloved daughter have a right to know about. In a phone conversation or in person i find it tremendously arduous to eloquently articulate my emotions. As you know I’m a shy reserved man who rarely conveys his inner feelings hence the medium of email is beneficial to a man who’s reticent in displaying his emotions.

I am sending you this email to tell you I have recently met a beautiful women called Maria who’s has revitalised me given a renewed lust for life. We have only been going out for a few months and am ashamed that I concealed our romance from you. Its the first time since the death of your mother that I have felt the joy of being alive.

I have written this email to inform you that we intend to get married shortly next year. I know its might seem rash and hasty to be taking such a sacred commitment after only seeing Maria for a short period of time. However I’m 45 life is short and i want to be happy to spend the rest of my life with this wonderful women. I also would love if you could spend the weekend at our old home and spend a blissful weekend with me and Maria. I’m sure you’ll be as armoured with Maria as i was. She is a resplendent effervescent women who’s made me come alive once again.

I know we don’t talk a lot about the death the harrowing suicide of Mary your mum 6 years ago now. We hardly even bring her up in conversation on the sporadic moments we converse. In those 6 years I’ve been desperately alone wanting another chance at happiness. I don’t like to divulge my inner most feelings to anybody I’m like you a pathological introvert. I miss Mary so much she’s constantly on my mind and there’s this deep sadness and regret that I didn’t notice the glaring signs she was suffering under the weight of depression. I know me meeting another women greeting married for the 2nd time might seem strange please I’m beseeching you to be happy for me. Don’t think I’m omitting the abiding memory of Mary from my life. Her memory will never fade from me her kindness her infinite love will never leave me.

This is the first time i have actually been so candid about my feelings my grief that transpired after Mary suicide and funeral. I wish we could have been more honest about our shared pain. We are two peas in a pod hampered with a inability to express our deepest emotions.

I been ruminating about Mary how she killed herself how i wasn’t cognisant of the symptoms of her lifelong depression. Thinking about that within the context of you and want to tell you if you’re suffering from depression don’t be afraid to pick up the phone and contact. I’m sure you’re a well adjusted beautiful young women who’s living a encircling full life. However the experience of Mary has made me realise that a lot of people afflicted with depression are adept at hiding their psychosis. I don’t want to lose my only daughter my only child i want to see you more frequently even though your residing in Cambridge living your aspiration to become a published eminent writer. We should talk more or make a firm commitment to dialogue at least once a week share our thoughts our experiences in our personal lives.

The wedding is scheduled next year so there’s enough time for you to become intimately acquainted with Maria. Enough time for Maria to become bored with a middle aged accountant still i cant wait for the wedding day. However the topography of my future appears promising with lush pastures and wild vitas of love waiting to be explored by myself and my future wife. I want you to be a intrinsic part of that journey even as you gain some autonomy and venture into the world. Hopefully one day in the near distant future i will get to walk you down the aisle to see you wed to the man of your dreams.

I can imagine seeing your mum watching from heaven with a tear in her eyes witnessing her angelic daughter finding happiness. Still i hope you can be happy for me that after these long 6 years of misery of loneliness I have granted from the heavens a second chance at happiness on this planet.

I have sent a letter to your address its a simple invitation to the wedding its a simple rsvp. Its details the date the location of the church and the post wedding reception venue. I’m positive you will be able to attend this hallowed religious ceremony you don’t have to feel obligated to attend but you’re are my own child my precious baby. There’s another piece of salient information i need to impart upon you. Maria even though shes never had the pleasure of meeting you has vehemently requested that you would agree to be one of her bridesmaids.

I just not only fallen in love with Maria but concurrently become enamoured with emails i know i sound like such a middle aged old geezer. I find that in not having to speak face to face i can communicate my rawest emotions without the awkwardness of my characteristic laconic manner. We need to talk though just text me a appropriate time when we can have a prolonged conversation via phone. We have a myriad of topics to talk about the wedding your job your life Maria and our thoughts on your mum. We need to finally have a honest conversation about your mums suicide how that was a detriment to our life how i suffered how it adversely impacted you throughout your adolescence.

Your loving father hope you arefeeing fit and well

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The Wedding Part 1

Its 8:00 am i have awoken at a ungodly early hour on a clement august Saturday in my old bed in my old house on this supposedly momentous day. Its the day of my fathers wedding day his second wedding nearly 10 years since the traumatic suicide of my mum. 10 years ago my mum killed herself in this same house me and daddy discovered her hanging from a light fixture in the living room. I can still smell the pungent odour of death and despair in our haunted living room.

Today though is a happy joyous occasion for my father or daddy as i affectingly call him. Its a ecstatic day for daddy who after years of withering away in loneliness after years of being stricken with grief has found love. I am happy for him though my fractured neurotic mind is permeated with negative emotions. For weeks months years I’ve been severely depressed to the point of seriously contemplating suicide. I decided in my self indulgent self obsessed mind to kill myself approximately several weeks proceeding this wedding. I don’t want to infringe or in any way despoil daddy’s happiness. Today is also on top of the severe suicidal depression this wedding day for months and weeks has been filling me with panic inducing anxiety. I am cursed with a untreated social anxiety disorder which means i eschew public events such as wedding birthdays or the majority of social functions in favour of being alone in the enclave of my humble abode. Hence this wedding has been giving me vexation for weeks i cant forgo attending my fathers second wedding what will family and friends say. I have to hide my anxiety my melancholic proclivities for an entire day and hope and pray that I don’t suffer a harrowing panic attack. Fortunately I haven’t been asked to speak in the post wedding reception so that relive is alleviating my anxiety.

Laying horizontal nervously tucked inside my old black gothic duvet covers not wanting to vamoose from the cosy warmth of old duvet. Last night I slept maybe an hour of sleep that’s all the acute anxiety that’s been building up for weeks reached a fever pitch last night as I became cognisant of the torture of attending a wedding. A day of unrelenting anxiety having awkward conversations with distant relations having to hide my sadness my deleterious anxiety. Last night my hands were shacking furiously i kept tapping my fingers against the palm of my hands then scratching my legs in a peculiar manner to soothe my stress. Totally unable to fall asleep just being asphyxiated with worry with the fear of a panic attack. I don’t want to reveal my social phobia its why i have reluctantly attended this wedding. I am elated at my father finding love in his early 50’s i want him to live a long happy enriching existence the kind of life i will never experience. However the joy is negated by the tsunami of dysphoria and angst that circulating in my impaired consciousness.

I hear the distant echoes of my father his best man his life long friend Stephen getting ready for the wedding. Stephen stayed last night we got drunk together until we decided to retire to our bedrooms around midnight. Last night drinking beer with my daddy and his old friend was a pleasant experience to reconnect with my daddy and a childhood family friends with the euphoria of alcohol. Today though I’m going to be suffocated with a assortment of humans its going to be pure hell a day trapped in purgatory. I gaze intensely at the familiar surroundings of my old room with my single bed childhood bed. This room hasn’t been transformed into a office daddy has preserved it perfectly. Has quiet sentimental character meant he diligently preserved my room as a memento of my childhood. The posters of my favourite bands and literary heroes were decorated throughout my room. Posters of joy division, Kate Bush Virginia Woolf and Sylvia Plath were plastered over the magnolia painted walls. I stared for hours at these posters with melancholic eyes on this celebration of the scared institution of marriage and love.

Travelling back to my hometown staying in my suburban house spending extensive time with my father hasn’t dissuaded me from my plan to kill myself. The wedding though has delayed the inevitable suicide none of the exaltation of love would persuade me to stay alive i want death I want to end the torture of being a twenty something being afflicted with depression. In my pink silky jimjams with my legs shacking vehemently i am now ready to get out off my old single bed.

With trepidation I remove the black pristine duvet now i sit upright on the edge of my bed. Spending at least half an hour perusing my phone looking at my twitter feed needing a temporary distraction. I watch an array of entertaining videos on YouTube to distract me from the nightmare of attending a wedding. Putting down my distraction device i use as a crutch when I’m trapped in uncomfortable unfamiliar terrifying social scenarios. I stand on my two hind legs and make my bed making sure my bed looks immaculate. This learned fastidious habit is a way of abating the dysmorphia the restlessness of my abnormal personality. Then after several minutes of assiduously making my bed i saunter over to the vacant bathroom to brush my unsightly teeth and wash my pallid face. Before i venture downstairs to eat a paltry breakfast meal if i can handle eating with a million thoughts pulsating round my emaciated body. I brush wearily with my new fangled electric toothbrush. All the while averting my gaze from the dreaded unforgiving bathroom mirror. Then i wash my face by applying a soaked flannel to my face. This act washes away the cobwebs from my mind i feel fully awake before i apply a exfoliant that removes the grease the muck the scum from my visage. I wash again as my face is tingling as its revitalised after another sleepless night. Now i can venture downstairs to confabulate with my daddy and his best man whilst satiating our appetites with toast and coffee.

The Wedding

Had to attend my fathers second wedding
It was torture having to hide my anxiety my severe depression
Forcing a insincere smile on staged photographs
Pretending to be happy for my father pretending to be happy to be alive

The social anxiety i endured was onerous
I disappeared for hours in the toilet shacking twitching breathing heavily
I hid all these deep seated psychological problems from my odious family
I put on a mask of serenity appeared like a sanguine young adult who was happy my father was remarrying

I hated the entire false antiquated spectacle of marriage
Hated that it was set in a choice a edifice of the lies of religion of the promise of eternal bliss
I hate the concept of love finding a soul mate it utter bullshit

The 12 hours of hell putting on a constricting demure dress having strangers gawping at my body
Feeling so judged for my appearance having distant relations judging my odd behaviour
My father has found a new wife after 10 years after my mother committed suicide
He’s forgotten her life abandoned her its as if she was never born he never talk about mother and on the wedding we barely said two words to each other
I pretended to be happy for him really I don’t care I want to be alone to suffer in silence and extricate family from my life forever