My Room

The curtains are closed I’m tucked inside my cosy duvet
I’m gazing at the assemblage of art scattered on my wall
Soft soothing jazz is blaring from my speakers
I’m lost in a trance like mediative state

I smoke a thick cannabis joint that dulls my anxiety
I am enthralled by the combination of music and psychoactive chemicals that subvert my consciousness
I stare at my ceiling hallucinating colours dreaming of being in love
With the elicit cannabis in my lungs I dream of being somebody else somebody normal who isn’t afflicted with a array of mental disorders

I survey with my stoned eyes the dreamlike surreal surroundings of my gothically decorated room
This room filled with red and black colours and art that elevates my melancholic mind
This is my safe space where i escape the anxiety the disquietude of being me of being alive in a nightmarish world

No soul other than i enters my sacred secluded kingdom
I am alone in here feeling the beauty the euphoria of my privacy
I am transfixed by the haunted sounds of billy holiday bellowing out of my Bluetooth speakers
The anxiety that’s been building up throughout another onerous day has now dissipated in the calm tranquillising ambience of my room

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Gone

The feeling the emotion has evaporated from me
I am dead on the inside with eyes so haunted and hollow
I barely eat barely sleep from this languid weary state of mind
I muster up the energy to function to attend my studies to go to work

All the while i am dying on the inside
Wanting fervently to feel anything to connect with another person
Wanting to be kissed to be hugged to feel a modicum of humanity
Yet i disappear in this numb detached state

I obsessively fantasise about ending my life
Maybe in death my life will gain some purpose
I repeat the line i want to die as a desolate mantra
It my deepest darkest desire to be permanently gone from this wretched planet

There is nothing behind my empty listless eyes no feeling no hope
Occasionally i muster a insincere smile to give the pretence I’m happy
Theres no emotion my humanity has forsaken me I’m bereft of feeling I’m a ghost waiting to be vanquished from this planet
I am gone i am floating aimlessly in greater states of spiritual despair living for nothing feeling like a zombie with my hollow sunken cheeks and my emaciated malnourished body suffering from a lack of sleep and food

Insomnia

Can’t sleep cant stop sweating
This heat is exhausting I’m sweating profusely throughout the day
At night i laying in my bed with my windows open
The sweat breeze gives a moment of elation but the muggy heat is relentless

I am tossing and turning all night diligently trying all manner of things to end my insomnia
I take a ice cold shower
I listen to mediative soothing classical music
I listen to a evocative audiobook i write poetry still i cant sleep

As the hours roll by my anxiety intensifies from the lack of sleep
My forehead has beads of sweat that cascade down my pallid face
I am drenched in anxiety wanting to fall into a subconscious state
A million neurotic thoughts flow all at once as my eyes are wide awake

Outside its nearly light its 6 o’clock in the morning
I have nearly abandoned the futile endeavour of falling asleep
My eyes don’t want to close as i see the fervent sun piercing through my thin inadequate curtains
Theres no tranquil breeze just the beginning of another punishing suffocating sweltering July day

I cant sleep its been 3 days of no sleep whatsoever
I feel so anxious unable to talk to strangers and friends without falling into a anxiety attack
I might stay inside and eschew the outside world
I need a morsel of sleep to end this insomnia that’s threatening my mental health my ability to function