Dreams

Drifting away into realms of my subconscious
I dream in colour with a polychromatic visions that float through my unconscious mind
I am sailing through the vast wondrous galaxy with a awe inspiring incandescent stars beaming not my engrossed mind
Reds and blues and greens illuminate the horizon I’m in ecstasy

In this euphoric dream I’m free unchained from the manacles of anxiety and depression
I’m flying majestically through time and space
Experiencing true enlightenment as these psychedelic images transfix and beguile me
I’m on a cloud been taking higher and higher I’m on a different plain if being

This is heaven then suddenly my lover appears a immaculate image of masculinity
He stands before naked with a exquisite torso a face that beams out pure joy
He smiles iridescently at my direction my body quivers as electricity surges in me
suddenly he kiss as our trembling body are metamorphosed into works of art

The art changes then my unshaven toned lover is laying next to me on a floating cloud
We stare for hours into each other’s enchanting eyes
I witness a vast inner universe of beauty in him
The sky colour alters every second as we are higher in pure states of ecstatic being

This dream is a unique one
Devoid of nightmare our anxiety our suicidal fantasies
Its a psychedelic hallucinogenic vision of love of heaven
With the aid of cannabis and copious anti anxiety meds my atypical mind dreamed up a divine collection of dreams on a enchanting prolonged sleep

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Ghost

I’m not here I’m already dead
I meander aimlessly through life floating like a ghost
Nobody looks at me pays a modicum of attention to me
Am I alive am a phantom is there blood in my veins

I feel numb devoid of vitality no colour in my pallid complexion
I have stopped smiling stop exhibiting any emotion
My ghost face never breaks no emotion is portrayed in my haunted visage
Soon in the next few weeks i will hopefully become a ghost become a distant lamentable memory

I never go out anymore other to traverse back and forth from my employment
I stay ensconced in my flat never answer the phone
The curtains remain closed no sunlight no radiating beams of light enter my residence
I float in my flat like a dead soul wanting the sweet blissful release of death

I’m not anywhere i am lost in the limbo
My only dreams are to drift away to die
My eyes are screaming for this harrowing ordeal of life to be over
I am a ghost a mute emotionless subhuman creature waiting for my forlorn desolate languid life to be over

No soul hears my departed screams of emotional torment
No one cares i am already dead waiting patiently for my final day
Suicide I’d beckoning me i want it so badly to become nothing to be worms food

Dead

No emotion no colour no feeling in my weary bones
I am dead waiting to die feeling nothing existing as a ghost
I meander through life aimlessly in languid zombie like states of numbed despair
I am dead i have become death

The emotion the insatiable slug for life has faded away
The desire for love the dreams are now but dust fantastical illusions
I want nothing more to die to cease to be
Oh to die to end the terminal onerous pain of my pointless existence

Other people exude life and joy
They emit vibrant colours whilst i am this back and white monochrome dulled
A vacant vapid empty shell of a human being
Theres nothing inside of me just a vast emptiness

I used to dream to cry profusely to laugh with friends
Now I’m this laconic withdrawn freak who holds all my pain on the inside
This injurious mental illness my suicidal inclinations have conquered me have slowly corrupted my body and soul
Now i ache for death I dream of a myriad favourable ways of ending my forlorn life i dream of being but a fading sad memory instead of a sad young adult who’s silent screams of emotional torment are unheard in this cold godless universe

The House Of Mirrors

Its fast approaching midnight my body is weary my eyes are drowsy. I am wearing my silky crimson jimjams which i typically wear when the British climate becomes more clement and not so stiflingly humid. My anxiety has dissipated as i sense the serene effects of the cannabis i inhaled minutes ago. With my body relaxed i can safety fall asleep into a deep subconscious sleep. Hopefully during my protracted sleep no more nightmares that I have been experiencing for the past 2 weeks. Night after night after a few hours of sleep I awoken with sweaty anxiety riddled body suffering from a horrendous nightmare. The consequences of a bad dream is it exacerbates my anxiety precludes from sleeping and leaves me a quivering nervous wreck unable to sleep or safely vacate my room.

I lay my stoned head that’s swimming with a thousand million thoughts on my soft black pillow. Gazing at my ceiling as my neurotic mind pulsates with thoughts of anxiety of death of love. I close my heavy eyes and for a few minutes hallucinate a psychedelic array of colours as i drift into a sanguine mediative state. For once in my wretched life I experience the nirvana of serenity with the aid of a psychoactive elicit narcotic. My languid body gravitates from a conscious state into a subconscious dream world.

Lost in a vivid dream that seems so real i open my eyes. There is black everywhere no light no colour in this marooned land. I walk with trepidation i walk lethargically barely able to lift my legs that feel like blocks of concrete. Then suddenly this nebulous locale dramatically changes suddenly i am engulfed in a vast infinite sea of mirrors. Some of these mirrors are cracked some are perfect immaculate designed mirrors that gleam. As far as my eyes can fathom there’s a vast sprawl of mirrors a house of mirrors. My anxiety intensifies then there’s a beam of blinding light shone onto my scrawny body. It appeared abruptly like a fluorescent stage light my body is now encumbered with panic with disquietude. I don’t know where i am am I awake am I being tortured my a assailant am I a prisoner in a unknown location. Then I look at the mirrors which change every few seconds writing appears on the mirror. Words such as freak ugly loser deformed worthless unlovable are imprinted on the vast array of mirrors in this house of horror in the unescapable house of mirrors.

Then by ghastly deformed face is magnified on the mirrors again the mirror reflection keeps on changing rapidly. First it my blood shot green eyes that are displayed on a million cracked incandescent mirrors that besiege my body. The mirrors are coming closer to me the claustrophobia has set in as the walls of this dreaded house of mirrors. Then the image changes once again this time its my horrid gnarled smile with my crocked teeth magnified on a infinite mirrors that surrounds me. Tears flow down my face i am no longer standing I collapse to the floor holding my head in my hands shacking back and forth wanting the psychological torture to end. I cant look away from the car crash of my ravaged face my tombstone teeth that appear more unsightly as they are exhibited on the gleaming screens.

I cry then I scream with a bellow of anguish crying out to be emancipated form this purgatory. Every few seconds the grotesque image alters occasionally focusing on my flat featureless body. Then to my horror i am naked my clothing has been removed by some malevolent malicious demon that keeping me prisoner in this location. I cant escape this nightmare i close my eyes I’m still here being forced to catch a sight of my pale emaciated body unobscured by clothing. I see all the cracks all the scars that are rendered on my arms. I glimpse my flat petite breasts that are mere molehills looking like a pair of painkiller pills on a ironing board. The horror the horror of it all no escape no assuagement from this hell. I’m on the floor crying profusely shacking shivering breathing hysterically make it stop end the pain end the nightmare i forlornly scream into the abyss.

The scene of this room changes once again now the hall of infinite mirrors that engulf me is altered with a thousands cold faces swarm my body. They are laughing at my naked body pointing at laughing derisively some faces are looking on with castigating expressions. Other faces are repulsed by my body with horror stricken faces. The entire cluster of individuals starts to chant freak freak freak freak. The chant grows louder and louder as the chant becomes more viscous. The cruelty the inhumanity to me is apparent on their faces I’m not a human to them I’m a subhuman freak. They circulate my shivering body getting closer they scream out freak freak some as laughing others are pointing at chastising the horror show of my naked porcelain body.

The environment once more transmogrifies I’m in a different setting a familiar location its my bedroom. No mirrors here just my bed my tv my pink teddy bear for comfort. I am fully conscious after witnessing a harrowing nightmares in which my repressed fears were brought to the surface in a evocative nightmare. I’m terrified to fall back to sleep not wanting to experience another ordeal. This nightmare effected me profoundly leaving me paralysed with anxiety. My body is shacking i hold by pink teddy bear that’s a vestige of my childhood. I turn on the big light I want some comfort something to mitigate the fear that’s pulsating in my blood stream. The recurring nightmare of the house of mirrors occurs in my dreamworld at least once a month. This recurring dream usually occurs after i have a panic attack or another injurious anxiety attack in pubic. For the nest few days i be unable to sleep its another bout of insomnia which is awaiting me. Its only 3:00 am its the apex of the night the streets are hauntingly silent i turn on my speakers needing to hear a mollifying sound that will calm me down. For hours i play music from my favourite video from YouTube the last of us as i rock back and forth on the edge of my bed. At least I’m free from the nightmare of the house of mirrors but i have to endure to abide the nightmare of being me of being afflicted with a social anxiety disorder and body dysmorphia

A Harrowing Dream

I fell asleep and witnessed in the recesses of my subconscious a nightmare
In this dream i was back home in my childhood house
I entered my parents room with trepidation
I opened the door tentatively there was my mother not dead but alive in this vivid evocative dream

She was there with firefly red Irish hair radiant emerald green eyes
A ebullient effervescent smile that exuded love
She beckoned me on to the bed in this dreamworld i began to shed a tear or two
I sat on the foot of the bed mum hugged effusively
She wiped away my tears with her hankie and kissed me on the cheek tenderly

In this nightmare in which i felt my mums presence
Where was able to feel her love after minutes of intense embrace
My mums body evaporated as thousands of rose petals appeared on the bed
I fell to the floor crying profusely holding the rose petals a emblem of my mums love to my face
She was gone forever never disappearing into dust into the earth in this dreamworld

I awoke from this vivid traumatic nightmare
The nightmare had a profound impact on me
I was unable to fall to sleep for the rest of the night
I spent the night and early morning just staring with agony at a assortment of pictures of my mum and me I have preserved for posterity to keep alive the enduring memory of my mums love her abiding charismatic personality

My Room

The curtains are closed I’m tucked inside my cosy duvet
I’m gazing at the assemblage of art scattered on my wall
Soft soothing jazz is blaring from my speakers
I’m lost in a trance like mediative state

I smoke a thick cannabis joint that dulls my anxiety
I am enthralled by the combination of music and psychoactive chemicals that subvert my consciousness
I stare at my ceiling hallucinating colours dreaming of being in love
With the elicit cannabis in my lungs I dream of being somebody else somebody normal who isn’t afflicted with a array of mental disorders

I survey with my stoned eyes the dreamlike surreal surroundings of my gothically decorated room
This room filled with red and black colours and art that elevates my melancholic mind
This is my safe space where i escape the anxiety the disquietude of being me of being alive in a nightmarish world

No soul other than i enters my sacred secluded kingdom
I am alone in here feeling the beauty the euphoria of my privacy
I am transfixed by the haunted sounds of billy holiday bellowing out of my Bluetooth speakers
The anxiety that’s been building up throughout another onerous day has now dissipated in the calm tranquillising ambience of my room

Gone

The feeling the emotion has evaporated from me
I am dead on the inside with eyes so haunted and hollow
I barely eat barely sleep from this languid weary state of mind
I muster up the energy to function to attend my studies to go to work

All the while i am dying on the inside
Wanting fervently to feel anything to connect with another person
Wanting to be kissed to be hugged to feel a modicum of humanity
Yet i disappear in this numb detached state

I obsessively fantasise about ending my life
Maybe in death my life will gain some purpose
I repeat the line i want to die as a desolate mantra
It my deepest darkest desire to be permanently gone from this wretched planet

There is nothing behind my empty listless eyes no feeling no hope
Occasionally i muster a insincere smile to give the pretence I’m happy
Theres no emotion my humanity has forsaken me I’m bereft of feeling I’m a ghost waiting to be vanquished from this planet
I am gone i am floating aimlessly in greater states of spiritual despair living for nothing feeling like a zombie with my hollow sunken cheeks and my emaciated malnourished body suffering from a lack of sleep and food