Lost My Faith In God

Once upon a time i used to be a vehement vociferous believer in god
I would habitually attend church on a Sunday
I would carry the crucifix round my neck
Every night I would say a prayer recite passages from the new a testament

When my mother died when the genesis of my depression began
It was religion it was god that gave me solace that assuaged my sadness my suicidal predilections
Now at 23 that faith that adamant sanguine faith has eroded
The depression that panic attack the anxiety has grown more severe and god the church has forsaken me in my time of need

The iridescent light of religion has faded away
Now these once profound verses these teachings of Jesus ring hollow in my dejected mind
I cry at night god never answers my hollows of despair
Tears flow nobody up there seems to care

Right now I believe there is no god no almighty divine creator
The world my life is permeated with such misery such pain for a benevolent being to actually exist
Its been over a year since attended mass the last time was a harrowing experience
The once poignant words from a priest meant nothing to me years of depression of alienation has erased my faith in god in humanity

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Tears Of Rage

Mother why have you forsaken me
I was only 13 you left my life forever
Suicide that my fragile heart shattered irrecoverably damaged
I cried tears of rage night after night in the aftermath of your untimely demise

God why have you let this tragedy transpire
Why didn’t you shelter my mother from the tumultuous storms of her emotional torment
Why didn’t you assuage her pain with comfort
Why did you let this happen what benevolent omnipotent being would let a mother kill herself at such a tender age

The rage hasn’t abated its a rage at god at my mother
I feel robbed of the love she would have bestowed on me
Growing up with my struggles without the radiance of her maternal love
My mothers harrowing suicide has scared forever

I keep a shrine to my mum in my bedroom
Once a month i dedicate a night where i compose poetry
Listen to music that evokes memories of my mum and look at a collection of photographs of my mum ravishingly beautiful photogenic face
On these special nights of mournful remembrance in which with a tsunami of tears I reminisce of the fading memories and dream of seeing her face feeling here hug and kiss me for one last time

Thunderstorm

My anxiety is peaking the thunderstorm has begun
The rumble of thunder followed by a exhilarating flash of lighting
I had to close all my windows despite the sweltering heat
I’m terrified of being struck by lighting

Yet its truly exciting to witness a thunderstorm
Maybe because i live in Britain where there’s a dearth of freakish extreme weather events
We experience no hurricanes or floods but thunder and lighting is very very frightening
The worst part is the excess of rain that cascading from the heavens

I’m hiding under my sweaty covers waiting for this thunderstorm to end
Now the windows are closed the heat in my room is rising
I’m tempted to open a few windows to catch a nice invigorating breeze
Still i am laden with anxiety ensconced in my room waiting with baited breathe for a cession of this malevolent thunderstorm

The rumble of thunder like a angry sea monster rising from its slumber
The flash of lighting like a sign of gods vindictive rage
The wind the rain the threat of death of destruction looms in the air
I want it to end I want to be save I want this howling pernicious storm to pass

Faith In God

God and the bible is a source of immense comfort to me
In dark times when i am lost in the bleak vast wilderness
When I traverse the valley of darkness this ancient gospel gives me comfort
The profound teachings of Jesus that is eloquently elucidated in the bible warms my tender fragile heart

The bible since my mothers untimely tragic demise has kept me alive
I read passages of the bible to myself when i am doubting my faith in god in myself in humanity
When i am overcome with suicidal thoughts the preachings the values of love and forgiveness that is espoused in the King James Bible is a panacea to my agonising emotional pain
Its the new gospel that i tirelessly read to ward of the black wolves from the door

When i awake wanting to end my life to read a passage gives me light
The teachings of god and Jesus is like a harm hug from a invisible friend
Its a iridescent hallucinogenic light that elevates me from my terminal loneliness
My relationship with Jesus with my catholic faith is a private one i never go to church or opine to friends abkiut my faith I pray daily in the morning and before i sleep its a therapeutic private act that mitigates the pain of my untreated mental illness