Red

Red the spectacular awe inspiring colours of the sunset
As I gaze at this psychedelic vision on the horizon
Whilst instantaneous getting high on this potent cannabis
Images memories from my past my turbulent tragic adolescence flood into my stoned consciousness

A singular tear forms on my left eye lid
It runs down my face as the dazzling crimson sunset evokes vivid memories of my deceased mum
In this sunset I hallucinate my mums cascade of auburn hair
I imagine her emerald green eyes starting intensely with warmth and boundless love back at me

I see her ethereal face in this majestic red hot picturesque July sunset
Outside my window in my dank flat I’m transported into another time and place
A time of innocence when I wasn’t burdened with sadness with the hell of my adulthood
I can taste my mums lustrous hair her perfect iridescent smile
I imagine having her hug me holding my tear drenched ashen face placed firmly against her bosom

I’m not here in reality lm lost in the realm of fantasy
Lost to the past dreaming of a life where tragedy hadn’t befall my family
I take another hit from my pipe a deep breathe the powerful psychoactive cannabis takes me higher
The sunset beauty brings me joy through the tears as I’m beguiled by the array of polychromatic colours that illuminate the landscape

Voices In My Head

Lost in the walls of my mind
Lost all alone with these venomous inner voices that reverberate inside my damaged mind
They scream they bellow when i loom at my ghastly visage in the mirror
They scream freak ugly scum as i shudder

These voices bark at me in the night
They tell me to kill myself
They drag me down into the mire they make me feel worthless
As the voices grow more boisterous as my self loathing intensifies I descend into a vicious cycle of suicidal thoughts

I cant sleep cant escape these inner voices that torment me
I want to make these acerbic voices fade away
I hear them when i interact with strangers they engender a feeling of so paranoia

Voices like savage barks from a wild dog haunt me in my perennial alienation and clinical depression
I want to muffle these voices but they are unrelenting i cant abate these voices
Barking and howling preventing me from breaking out of my malaise

I am lost in my darkness with only these vicious howls of torment for company
Nobody to hug to kiss to share laughter to nullify these voices in my mental ill head
I scream for these voices to cease torturing me
They carry on advising me to end my vapid pathetic life these voices grow more vociferous as my illness solidifies in my introverted personality

The Darkest Day Part 3

After the priest powerful emotional soaring eulogy in which we rendered the funeral congregation to tears. My mums best friend since childhood Dorothy again delivered a funny poignant elocution filled with humorous anecdotes and lamenting the tragic untimely passing of her best friend. Then my father got up tentatively to recite a poem which encapsulated the despair he was feeling. To speak in front of a large audience was anathema to him. He was a shy reserved man who eschewed public displays of affection hence with great reluctance he acquiesced to the demands of his family myself and friends of my mum to deliver a poem before offering a few words on the loss. The priest beckoned him on to the pulpit as he sauntered languidly with his haunched downcast posture. I tried diligently to contain myself to maintain my austere persona. My father finally reached the pulpit where he began to speak in his characteristically quiet somber voice that displayed little to no emotion.

He spoke at the pulpit with his hands visibly shacking “ this is the hardest thing i ever done on the second worst day of my life. The worst day was when me and my lovely daughter discovered corrinas body hanging from the door frame in our living room. Before i recite my favourite poem in which i will be paying homage to the love of my life. I want to say a few words about losing corrina what she meant to me. I loved corrina i miss so much she brought such colour vitality into my life. I’m a quiet shy man but corrina brought me out of my shell and exposed to a life of endless possibilities. We shared almost 20 years of uninterrupted happiness and now its gone I’ll never again wake up to that divine women. Now have her hold my hand feel the warm embrace of her body. I cant believe i didn’t foresee the obvious signs of her depression”

Then for the first time in my 13 years i saw my dad shed a tear he began to whimper. He wiped a tear from his grief stricken face then blow his nose before composing himself to recite a poem i was left diminished by Paul Curtis

I was left diminished

When your light went out

It left a shadow on my soul

And my heart was left

As an empty vessel

By your absence

You now walk

In heavens light

Surrounded by Gods love

With angels song

On the scented air

As I sit cold and alone

In the home we shared

A place full of memories

Where once I felt so at home

Now I wish to be there no more

Reminded every waking moment

Of my cruel loss

So I sit alone and crave

The moment of my own passing

So our souls will be reunited

And we can be together once more

After he eloquently delivered this profound piece of prose he calmly walked from the pulpit to the front row to sit beside me. I managed somehow in my shell shocked paralysed mind to not break the ice and break open the dam. My father like myself was stoic and austere despite his powerful candid words. Then the funeral carried on with a series of musical numbers playing that interspersed the sorrowful speeches. Firstly dreams by the cranberries the song that played at my mum and dads wedding their first dance played after the priest uttered his eulogy. Then after my dads heartbreaking poetic recital my mums favourite musical composition Elgar cello concerto played by the eminent cellist Jacqueline du pre. I heard the powerful rendition of Elgar cello concerto reverberate inside the cavernous walls of this vast church. Every note felt like chards of glass in my ravaged soul. My hands shacked my lips quivered i put my ashen face to the floor to obscure the trauma that was denoted on my face. No tears just a pure vision of sadness that was on my face. Then finally the ordeal was over the main ceremony was over the music concluded as we would now witness the hell of seeing my mums casket being lowered into the ground.

The designated pall bearers went outside to the hearse which was situated in close proximity to my mums gravesite. They walked in unison all adorned in black funeral attire and grabbed a hold of my mums funeral casket as the mourners had now congregated to the gravesite to witness the sacred burial of my mum. As the pall bearers where straining to carry the casket the priest was waiting to deliver his final remarks before my mums body would be laid to rest. I was stood adjacent to my father we locked arms as the wooden bespoke casket was lowered into the ground. No burning of my mums body a sacred burial in accordance with my mums wishes that was delineated in her verbosely worded suicide note. I stared intensly at the casket unable to process my grief i was still in a state of shock. Wanting to veil my pain not able to exhibit a emotion as I witnessed flowers that adorned my mums casket. Then the priest made his final remarks i couldn’t hear his words sounds came out of his mouth my body was faint i felt the colour drain away. I saw in my fractured mental state a black and white vision as the priest spoke i wasnt fully present. I looked around and saw an array of despondent faces. Tears and bloodshot eyes whilst I felt like a ghost feeling this sickness lurking inside of me wanting to be released. However in my emotionally repressed personality i was constitutionally unable to display a modicum of sadness. Mouths moved words were said i heard nothing my mind lost concentration i thought of vivid images of my mum holding me hugging me kissing me goodnight.

I came back from my daydream of my idyllic childhood that was lost forever to see the religious ceremony commemorating a life of my mum had concluded. It was over the hell now i had life the rest of my life my tumultuous adolescence without my mums guidance. The attendees retreated back to our suburban respectable home for the absurdity of a post funeral party. I wanting nothing more than to retreat into the isolation of my room.

Dear Arya

I am writing this email to you to notify you of a few important momentous details that have been occurring in my life. Rather than have a brief phone interaction with i thought i could detail the events coming up in my life that you as my beloved daughter have a right to know about. In a phone conversation or in person i find it tremendously arduous to eloquently articulate my emotions. As you know I’m a shy reserved man who rarely conveys his inner feelings hence the medium of email is beneficial to a man who’s reticent in displaying his emotions.

I am sending you this email to tell you I have recently met a beautiful women called Maria who’s has revitalised me given a renewed lust for life. We have only been going out for a few months and am ashamed that I concealed our romance from you. Its the first time since the death of your mother that I have felt the joy of being alive.

I have written this email to inform you that we intend to get married shortly next year. I know its might seem rash and hasty to be taking such a sacred commitment after only seeing Maria for a short period of time. However I’m 45 life is short and i want to be happy to spend the rest of my life with this wonderful women. I also would love if you could spend the weekend at our old home and spend a blissful weekend with me and Maria. I’m sure you’ll be as armoured with Maria as i was. She is a resplendent effervescent women who’s made me come alive once again.

I know we don’t talk a lot about the death the harrowing suicide of Mary your mum 6 years ago now. We hardly even bring her up in conversation on the sporadic moments we converse. In those 6 years I’ve been desperately alone wanting another chance at happiness. I don’t like to divulge my inner most feelings to anybody I’m like you a pathological introvert. I miss Mary so much she’s constantly on my mind and there’s this deep sadness and regret that I didn’t notice the glaring signs she was suffering under the weight of depression. I know me meeting another women greeting married for the 2nd time might seem strange please I’m beseeching you to be happy for me. Don’t think I’m omitting the abiding memory of Mary from my life. Her memory will never fade from me her kindness her infinite love will never leave me.

This is the first time i have actually been so candid about my feelings my grief that transpired after Mary suicide and funeral. I wish we could have been more honest about our shared pain. We are two peas in a pod hampered with a inability to express our deepest emotions.

I been ruminating about Mary how she killed herself how i wasn’t cognisant of the symptoms of her lifelong depression. Thinking about that within the context of you and want to tell you if you’re suffering from depression don’t be afraid to pick up the phone and contact. I’m sure you’re a well adjusted beautiful young women who’s living a encircling full life. However the experience of Mary has made me realise that a lot of people afflicted with depression are adept at hiding their psychosis. I don’t want to lose my only daughter my only child i want to see you more frequently even though your residing in Cambridge living your aspiration to become a published eminent writer. We should talk more or make a firm commitment to dialogue at least once a week share our thoughts our experiences in our personal lives.

The wedding is scheduled next year so there’s enough time for you to become intimately acquainted with Maria. Enough time for Maria to become bored with a middle aged accountant still i cant wait for the wedding day. However the topography of my future appears promising with lush pastures and wild vitas of love waiting to be explored by myself and my future wife. I want you to be a intrinsic part of that journey even as you gain some autonomy and venture into the world. Hopefully one day in the near distant future i will get to walk you down the aisle to see you wed to the man of your dreams.

I can imagine seeing your mum watching from heaven with a tear in her eyes witnessing her angelic daughter finding happiness. Still i hope you can be happy for me that after these long 6 years of misery of loneliness I have granted from the heavens a second chance at happiness on this planet.

I have sent a letter to your address its a simple invitation to the wedding its a simple rsvp. Its details the date the location of the church and the post wedding reception venue. I’m positive you will be able to attend this hallowed religious ceremony you don’t have to feel obligated to attend but you’re are my own child my precious baby. There’s another piece of salient information i need to impart upon you. Maria even though shes never had the pleasure of meeting you has vehemently requested that you would agree to be one of her bridesmaids.

I just not only fallen in love with Maria but concurrently become enamoured with emails i know i sound like such a middle aged old geezer. I find that in not having to speak face to face i can communicate my rawest emotions without the awkwardness of my characteristic laconic manner. We need to talk though just text me a appropriate time when we can have a prolonged conversation via phone. We have a myriad of topics to talk about the wedding your job your life Maria and our thoughts on your mum. We need to finally have a honest conversation about your mums suicide how that was a detriment to our life how i suffered how it adversely impacted you throughout your adolescence.

Your loving father hope you arefeeing fit and well

Death

Laying prostrate almost comatose in my bed dreaming of death
Sick and twisted thought are ruminating in my mind
I cant move from the pain of this depression i want death i want to be nothing
I am already dead as the emotion has been vanquished from my body as this dead sensation permeates my entire being

Dreaming of all the myriad of ways of dying
Dreaming of dying in my sleep to never awaken to a cold world that has forsaken me
I have nothing no love no real family friends never call anymore
All i have is the fantasy of not existing

I lay horizontal for hours with a body burdened with sadness musing about the concept of death to not exist
To be a dream a distant fading memory to be pure nothingness to be dust
I want death there’s no reason to carry on existing living so listlessly trudging through life in endless cycles of abject despair
In my darkest dreams i take the sweet pill of suicide and get taken away by a dark shadowy masked figure he takes me away from the land of the living into the serenity the nirvana of death

Dreams

Drifting away into realms of my subconscious
I dream in colour with a polychromatic visions that float through my unconscious mind
I am sailing through the vast wondrous galaxy with a awe inspiring incandescent stars beaming not my engrossed mind
Reds and blues and greens illuminate the horizon I’m in ecstasy

In this euphoric dream I’m free unchained from the manacles of anxiety and depression
I’m flying majestically through time and space
Experiencing true enlightenment as these psychedelic images transfix and beguile me
I’m on a cloud been taking higher and higher I’m on a different plain if being

This is heaven then suddenly my lover appears a immaculate image of masculinity
He stands before naked with a exquisite torso a face that beams out pure joy
He smiles iridescently at my direction my body quivers as electricity surges in me
suddenly he kiss as our trembling body are metamorphosed into works of art

The art changes then my unshaven toned lover is laying next to me on a floating cloud
We stare for hours into each other’s enchanting eyes
I witness a vast inner universe of beauty in him
The sky colour alters every second as we are higher in pure states of ecstatic being

This dream is a unique one
Devoid of nightmare our anxiety our suicidal fantasies
Its a psychedelic hallucinogenic vision of love of heaven
With the aid of cannabis and copious anti anxiety meds my atypical mind dreamed up a divine collection of dreams on a enchanting prolonged sleep

Lost My Faith In God

Once upon a time i used to be a vehement vociferous believer in god
I would habitually attend church on a Sunday
I would carry the crucifix round my neck
Every night I would say a prayer recite passages from the new a testament

When my mother died when the genesis of my depression began
It was religion it was god that gave me solace that assuaged my sadness my suicidal predilections
Now at 23 that faith that adamant sanguine faith has eroded
The depression that panic attack the anxiety has grown more severe and god the church has forsaken me in my time of need

The iridescent light of religion has faded away
Now these once profound verses these teachings of Jesus ring hollow in my dejected mind
I cry at night god never answers my hollows of despair
Tears flow nobody up there seems to care

Right now I believe there is no god no almighty divine creator
The world my life is permeated with such misery such pain for a benevolent being to actually exist
Its been over a year since attended mass the last time was a harrowing experience
The once poignant words from a priest meant nothing to me years of depression of alienation has erased my faith in god in humanity