Rumbling In My Stomach

I see has angelic radiating face my heart flutters
My stomach rumbles with nervous excitement
He smiles at me with his immaculate iridescent smile
Why is he gazing at me i averted my gaze as his luscious emerald green eyes beguile me

When i see him at the coffee bar in the university campus I’m transfixed by his divine statuesque body
I always though blinded encumbered by a crippling social anxiety act aloof not wanting to reveal the tumult of amorous feeling flowing in my body
He gets me all hot and sweaty just thinking about him dreaming of the ecstasy of falling in love having sex with this ethereal creature

My stomach rumbles my hands shake with pure adrenaline
I cant contain my awkwardness my body overridden with anxiety
When he finally break the ice and exchange a few monosyllabic pleasantries the fear is overwhelming
I cant control my body i try to maintain a semblance of serenity of calmness in his vicinity
After this awkward exchange i almost collapse from the anxiety pulsating

I’m positive he’s only being kind and amiable in engaging in a brusque conversation with me
Why would he be attracted to a ugly loser like me
Look at him with his perfect flowing brunette hair and me with my unkempt messy appearance bereft of beauty
Still the dream of love of sex of emotional intimacy consumes me he’s forever in my thoughts

Disorder

Lost and confused in a alienated state
Alone in the hell of my tortured existence
Nobody cares there’s nobody who understands who knows about my pain
I want to reach and feel a connection to have another soul hold my mind hug me tightly and share my disorder

I’m ill a body paralysed with anxiety with suicidal thoughts
I endure weekly panic attacks where I’m unable to vacate my flat
I drink i smoke a profusion of illicit and legal drugs to numb my pain
Then in states of intoxicated fervent i cut myself to have a cathartic release then i carry waterfalls of tears

My anxiety disorder is crippling i cant breathe i cant sleep
I cant have friends or experience anything resembling a normal social life
I’m imprisoned in my tortured fractured mind living ensconced in the tiny enclave of my dank flat
Friends vehemently persistently request my company i have to decline the anxiety is too onerous I retreat into protracted states of isolation

Nobody knows of my hell its all a dark secret
The panic attacks the suicidal predilections the bouts of self mutilation the insomnia the self loathing all is concealed in my introverted introspective personality
I’m sick a dying broken soul laying awake in my cold bed
Living a sad life bereft of human contact or love wanting to divulge my disorder to a fellow sufferer of anxiety

Death

Laying prostrate almost comatose in my bed dreaming of death
Sick and twisted thought are ruminating in my mind
I cant move from the pain of this depression i want death i want to be nothing
I am already dead as the emotion has been vanquished from my body as this dead sensation permeates my entire being

Dreaming of all the myriad of ways of dying
Dreaming of dying in my sleep to never awaken to a cold world that has forsaken me
I have nothing no love no real family friends never call anymore
All i have is the fantasy of not existing

I lay horizontal for hours with a body burdened with sadness musing about the concept of death to not exist
To be a dream a distant fading memory to be pure nothingness to be dust
I want death there’s no reason to carry on existing living so listlessly trudging through life in endless cycles of abject despair
In my darkest dreams i take the sweet pill of suicide and get taken away by a dark shadowy masked figure he takes me away from the land of the living into the serenity the nirvana of death

A Rapturous Night Of Conviviality And Alcoholic Excess

Let me regale you of a euphoric night of pure hedonism
Spending a night with my university cohorts
A night devoid of sadness where my heart was in pure rapture
Drinking alcohol enjoying the geniality of my closest friends

The evening commenced as the sun was setting with a sublime kaleidoscopic sunset
We drank in our student accommodation
Voraciously downing a bottle of sumptuous white wine to experience the first bliss of drunkenness
Then our intimate tribe headed out to a myriad of pubs and clubs where are insatiable appetite for alcohol and engaging conversation would be satiated

Starting out in a few local pubs drinking pints of evocative cider
This cider sent my head spinning i felt the initial bliss in my bloodstream
Then he embarked on a series of nightclubs in which we danced with careless abandon
With the aid of a superfluity of alcohol we were lost in the night

Drinking dancing into the wee hours of the morning
No care no disquiet no sadness in the euphoria of the night
Smiling laughing as we luxuriated in each other conversation
As we danced we attracted the attention of lust filled glances of males admirers

For once I was imbued with a sensation of beauty of belonging
The profusion of alcohol the human contact the humanity flowing in the night
I was alive in states of rapture feeling the high of the whisky the vodka the cocktails
Not wanting the sublime night to end we traversed back to our student abodes we were floating like spirits in states of pure ecstatic being

Concealing My Disorder

I exist in this mask this persona that portrays a veneer of sanity
Behind the mask lurks a inner world of darkness with a pernicious social anxiety and crippling depression that i conceal from all of humanity
I go out to the world interact with friends smiling laughing concealing my pain never frowning never disclosing my acute social anxiety

I have this dread this constant fear of being found out
Of anybody discovering my fractured psyche discovering my anxiety
Hence I have constructed elaborate excuses when i suffer from extreme bouts of suicidal depression when I’m able to be a participator in life
To disguise my anxiety i have told friends that i am afflicted with asthma that’s why on occasion i have bouts of hyperventilating breathing when in reality I’m enduring a panic attack

Many times though i eschew public gatherings making up flimsy excuses for why i cant attend nights out
The depression is a lot easier to hide you can smile put on this facade of serenity to mask the inner torment lurking in the recesses of my mind
Anxiety is getting harder to hide with existing in public becoming more acutely onerous
Still i smile laugh conceal my extreme nervousness never letting the mask slip away I’m terrified of anybody discovering the shame of my disorder

My Dream Life

I have this envision of a perfect idealised idyllic existence
A life far removed from the my lonely life of creative disappointment
A life far away from the rattle and hum of my anxiety impaired urban existence
Its a life living in the lush British countryside

I have a charming beguiling man of my dreams by my side
We have cultivated through our unbreakable cosmic bond a family with 2 divine little angels
We live in a quaint english cottage in the south of England surrounded by all the trappings all the allure of nature
My husband like myself is a successful writer he writes as a opinion columnist whilst i am a bestselling eminent novelist who’s lauded for her works of creative genius

Its a idyllic pastoral setting where i am inspired to conceive a prolific prodigious output of novels
This dream life is devoid of the anxiety of living in the hustle and bustle of the city
I eschew being a celebrity and exist with my family a recluse who’s committed to raise two beautiful children
Days in our cottage are spent going on extensive hikes through this majestic countryside that assumes my anxiety disorder

Free from the anguish of the crowd residing in a sparsely populated place
I am liberated from my social anxiety disorder never having to endure the hell of a crowded club
In this dream life I fantasise about my mind is unimpeded from the manacles of depression
I am blessed in prolonged states of euphoric happiness living a enriching fulfilling coexistence with my heavenly man of my dreams and our angelic offspring

Dreams

Drifting away into realms of my subconscious
I dream in colour with a polychromatic visions that float through my unconscious mind
I am sailing through the vast wondrous galaxy with a awe inspiring incandescent stars beaming not my engrossed mind
Reds and blues and greens illuminate the horizon I’m in ecstasy

In this euphoric dream I’m free unchained from the manacles of anxiety and depression
I’m flying majestically through time and space
Experiencing true enlightenment as these psychedelic images transfix and beguile me
I’m on a cloud been taking higher and higher I’m on a different plain if being

This is heaven then suddenly my lover appears a immaculate image of masculinity
He stands before naked with a exquisite torso a face that beams out pure joy
He smiles iridescently at my direction my body quivers as electricity surges in me
suddenly he kiss as our trembling body are metamorphosed into works of art

The art changes then my unshaven toned lover is laying next to me on a floating cloud
We stare for hours into each other’s enchanting eyes
I witness a vast inner universe of beauty in him
The sky colour alters every second as we are higher in pure states of ecstatic being

This dream is a unique one
Devoid of nightmare our anxiety our suicidal fantasies
Its a psychedelic hallucinogenic vision of love of heaven
With the aid of cannabis and copious anti anxiety meds my atypical mind dreamed up a divine collection of dreams on a enchanting prolonged sleep