My Room

The curtains are closed I’m tucked inside my cosy duvet
I’m gazing at the assemblage of art scattered on my wall
Soft soothing jazz is blaring from my speakers
I’m lost in a trance like mediative state

I smoke a thick cannabis joint that dulls my anxiety
I am enthralled by the combination of music and psychoactive chemicals that subvert my consciousness
I stare at my ceiling hallucinating colours dreaming of being in love
With the elicit cannabis in my lungs I dream of being somebody else somebody normal who isn’t afflicted with a array of mental disorders

I survey with my stoned eyes the dreamlike surreal surroundings of my gothically decorated room
This room filled with red and black colours and art that elevates my melancholic mind
This is my safe space where i escape the anxiety the disquietude of being me of being alive in a nightmarish world

No soul other than i enters my sacred secluded kingdom
I am alone in here feeling the beauty the euphoria of my privacy
I am transfixed by the haunted sounds of billy holiday bellowing out of my Bluetooth speakers
The anxiety that’s been building up throughout another onerous day has now dissipated in the calm tranquillising ambience of my room

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Gone

The feeling the emotion has evaporated from me
I am dead on the inside with eyes so haunted and hollow
I barely eat barely sleep from this languid weary state of mind
I muster up the energy to function to attend my studies to go to work

All the while i am dying on the inside
Wanting fervently to feel anything to connect with another person
Wanting to be kissed to be hugged to feel a modicum of humanity
Yet i disappear in this numb detached state

I obsessively fantasise about ending my life
Maybe in death my life will gain some purpose
I repeat the line i want to die as a desolate mantra
It my deepest darkest desire to be permanently gone from this wretched planet

There is nothing behind my empty listless eyes no feeling no hope
Occasionally i muster a insincere smile to give the pretence I’m happy
Theres no emotion my humanity has forsaken me I’m bereft of feeling I’m a ghost waiting to be vanquished from this planet
I am gone i am floating aimlessly in greater states of spiritual despair living for nothing feeling like a zombie with my hollow sunken cheeks and my emaciated malnourished body suffering from a lack of sleep and food

Thunderstorm

My anxiety is peaking the thunderstorm has begun
The rumble of thunder followed by a exhilarating flash of lighting
I had to close all my windows despite the sweltering heat
I’m terrified of being struck by lighting

Yet its truly exciting to witness a thunderstorm
Maybe because i live in Britain where there’s a dearth of freakish extreme weather events
We experience no hurricanes or floods but thunder and lighting is very very frightening
The worst part is the excess of rain that cascading from the heavens

I’m hiding under my sweaty covers waiting for this thunderstorm to end
Now the windows are closed the heat in my room is rising
I’m tempted to open a few windows to catch a nice invigorating breeze
Still i am laden with anxiety ensconced in my room waiting with baited breathe for a cession of this malevolent thunderstorm

The rumble of thunder like a angry sea monster rising from its slumber
The flash of lighting like a sign of gods vindictive rage
The wind the rain the threat of death of destruction looms in the air
I want it to end I want to be save I want this howling pernicious storm to pass

The Date

Tonight i take my first steps into the world of dating
I am terrified of being that vulnerable to have to be engaging and interesting for an entire evening
My date is his gorgeous intelligent perfect specimen of a man
Whilst I’m a homely invisible ugly women with deep untreated psychological scars

I am going to have to face my deep seated perennial fear of being intimate
The fear of being in the outside having to interact with a stranger who I may become my future soul mate
The fear the anxiety is palpable in my neurotic body as i prepare myself for a evening of possibilities
Will may date be overcome with boredom will we connect

I fear him finding me repulsive but also being put off by my introverted social awkward personality
I’m dreading having these staid monosyllabic conversations having no witty or interesting to verbalise with my perfect date
I dread suffering another panic attack in the midst of a date

I have dreamed of meeting a man such as this a Prince Charming who will beguile with his ebullient personality
I have fantasised of falling in love of another soul being entranced by my physical presence
Tonight I want these fantastical dreams to be actualised
I want to conquer my demons my self loathing my crippling social anxiety and fall in love with a luscious figure of masculine perfection

Mirror Mirror

Mirror mirror on my wall
Who’s this ugly creature peering back at me
Whats this lifeless gollum freak that’s materialised in my dusty mirror
I wish mirror a more photogenic being would emerge in the mirror

The mirror my private window into my gnarled damaged inner psyche
What i see with my eye is my ugly soul with the years of alienation taken its toll on me
I see my crocked smile my hollow cheeks my lifeless languid eyes that once sparkled now rendered dull and moribund
The image of my soul makes me shudder the flaws so glaring

I despise looking at my ugly reflection in this unforgiving mirror
No longer can I hide my hideousness
No longer after a 10 minute stint in the mirror
Can i delude myself the illusion the fantasy that I’m beautiful or in any way human is broken

Looking in my bathroom mirror having my homely appearance illuminated brings tears to my eyes
The anxiety the self loathing is alleviated after the torture of seeing my reflection in the mirror
The summer of hope is transposed into a dark melancholic cloud of winter after i survey my visage in the mirror
Mirror mirror on my bathroom wall you’ve made you’re devastating judgement that I’m cursed to remain a ugly creature cursed by the universe to be perennial alone without love scorned abandoned by humanity

I Cant Breathe

I cant breathe i cant breathe
The panic the frenzy the fear is palpable
I’m having a another terrifying panic attack
I’m on the outside surrounded by people feeling so alone

I want to be in the contort in the serenity of my home
I’m all alone on these rough cobbled streets feeling this paralysing panic pulsating round my body
I cant breathe i cant breathe
I cant walk i cant walk i going to collapse to the ground

I feeling like I’m dying like my body my soul is descending down a dark tunnel
Theres no light no escape from the terror of a uncontrollable sporadic panic attack
My body is rendered almost catatonic as i fall to the ground with my arms holding my head
I still cant breathe i am hyperventilating am i dying is this a panic attack or a genuine heart attack

My chest feels so tight i still cant breathe unable to catch a breathe
Its harrowing as i am in the epicentre of a tumult of terror
I am still am on the ground breathing erratically still falling into the abyss
Strangers look past or look at me with disdain or privately ridicule my peculiar behaviour

Nobody holds my hand or comforts me in a severe panic attack
I am ignored by the general public as I slowly recover and can feel my arms and legs and catch a normal breathe
The erratic breathing subsides now i am normal i am alive
The ordeal through leaves me with scars its a harrowing torturous experience that will take weeks to fully recover from

Terminal Depression

Can’t shake this pain
It makes my bones ache with sadness
I can barely walk i can barely function its so excruciating to live with
This depression this pain is terminal its like having a cancer infecting you’re entire body

One day i will awake and be unable to carry on living this way
One day i will end my life the pain of being me will grow so severe suicide will be the only plausible path to banish this pain
This day is coming soon the anxiety the loneliness the weight of this severe depression is slowly crushing my fragile soul
I cut myself in masochistic act to feel my pain i write poetry as forlorn acts of self expression all to no avail the pain the cancer only metastasises in my mental ill psyche

Oh lord rid me of the suffocating existential malaise of being me
I want to expunge the depression to be normal to be happy to fall in love
I want to liberated from the chains of my depression i want to be glad to be alive
I will never have these fantastical illusions i am doomed to be tortured by this untreated terminal depression until one day i will have to end my life to end the psychological torture of being me