Heart Of Gold

I keep on searching through the mire the moil for a heart of gold
A beautiful soul who will elevate me who will transform me
To fall in love to connect spiritually with a charismatic man of my dreams
In the purgatory of my depression in my loneliness i never give up hope

This man exists in my vast imagination
He has flowing dark brown hair
Blue eyes like the ocean that are piecing that gaze into the windows of my soul without fear or artifice
He has a immaculate iridescent effusive smile

He laughs at my jokes and brings me joy with his amenable personality
He smiles frequently has no qualms about being vulnerable or earnest
His warm ebullient personality allows me to be open to confess my struggles with anxiety with depression
When i break down and cry talking about my depression he hugs me intensely he makes me feel like a women a human being that’s loved

This man with a heart of gold exist somewhere in this vast metropolis
He surely resides on this planet hopefully fortuitously our stars will cross
I want to taste his honeyed luscious lips
I want to feel the warmth of his body i want to experience the sublimity of physical intimacy i want his love

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Given Up

A gaunt face with sallow checks devoid of colour
Eyes that once were effervescent now appear listless and haunted
A body haunched over emitting negative energy
No eye contact no ebullient smile as she meets strangers or lifelong friends

She has given up on life
Give up on the glorious possibility of love
Given up on ever conquering or vanquishing her demons
She has succumbed to a wretched lonely life of pain

Depression follows her like a pungent noxious odour
She longs to be liberated from her deep seated psychological conditions
She aches to be happy to be normal to not be besieged with a pernicious anxiety disorder
In her forlorn mind she has given up the ghost

As she ventures outside rudimentary conversations and mundane social setting are filled with anxiety
A simple task like going shopping is pure hell
A 8 hour workday is involves a tortuous anxiety that never abates
She aches for the ecstasy of solitude where the distress alleviates somewhat

Getting home for the serenity of her grotty one bed flat
There are transient moments of inner peace
Soon though her neurotic mind is permeated with loneliness with the perennial alienation of her wretched adulthood
She lays down on her couch feeling numb feeling nothing wanting to die wanting to feel the elation of love wanting to connect with another lost soul

Lost My Faith In God

Once upon a time i used to be a vehement vociferous believer in god
I would habitually attend church on a Sunday
I would carry the crucifix round my neck
Every night I would say a prayer recite passages from the new a testament

When my mother died when the genesis of my depression began
It was religion it was god that gave me solace that assuaged my sadness my suicidal predilections
Now at 23 that faith that adamant sanguine faith has eroded
The depression that panic attack the anxiety has grown more severe and god the church has forsaken me in my time of need

The iridescent light of religion has faded away
Now these once profound verses these teachings of Jesus ring hollow in my dejected mind
I cry at night god never answers my hollows of despair
Tears flow nobody up there seems to care

Right now I believe there is no god no almighty divine creator
The world my life is permeated with such misery such pain for a benevolent being to actually exist
Its been over a year since attended mass the last time was a harrowing experience
The once poignant words from a priest meant nothing to me years of depression of alienation has erased my faith in god in humanity

Sorrow Sorrow Sorrow

Sorrow is all i encounter
My mind is consumed by the sorrow of being me
I laying alone in the emptiness of my bed
Feeling dejected disconsolate with my bones aching with sorrow

My life has become a ocean of sorrow a endless desert of beleaguerment
I awake day after day with the same wretched sorrow
No escape no abatement in this melancholic state of being
I go home after a day of attending lectures and cry alone in my room

The pain the suffering the untreated psychological wounds
The sorrow the heartbreak the self loathing that makes my skin crawl my emaciated body ache
I cry alone never revealing never exposing my sorrow to another soul
This pungent odour of sadness permeates my entire being

I cant escape I can’t extricate this despair from my mind
Tears wont dry sorrow stays with it stains my once youthful optimistic soul
Night are long and empty as i sit alone in the pitch black of my room feeling forlorn wanting to end the wretched sorrow wanting for somebody to hear my screams of lament
I exist in the darkness unable to see the light unable to broadcast my torturous sorrow that haunts me

The tears dry the pain remains
The sorrow is like a noxious gas slowing poising me
The sorrow combines with the deep abiding revulsion i feel for myself
A toxic cocktail that leaves me paralysed in chronic states of despair

Tears Of Rage

Mother why have you forsaken me
I was only 13 you left my life forever
Suicide that my fragile heart shattered irrecoverably damaged
I cried tears of rage night after night in the aftermath of your untimely demise

God why have you let this tragedy transpire
Why didn’t you shelter my mother from the tumultuous storms of her emotional torment
Why didn’t you assuage her pain with comfort
Why did you let this happen what benevolent omnipotent being would let a mother kill herself at such a tender age

The rage hasn’t abated its a rage at god at my mother
I feel robbed of the love she would have bestowed on me
Growing up with my struggles without the radiance of her maternal love
My mothers harrowing suicide has scared forever

I keep a shrine to my mum in my bedroom
Once a month i dedicate a night where i compose poetry
Listen to music that evokes memories of my mum and look at a collection of photographs of my mum ravishingly beautiful photogenic face
On these special nights of mournful remembrance in which with a tsunami of tears I reminisce of the fading memories and dream of seeing her face feeling here hug and kiss me for one last time

The Hunger Inside

I perpetually fantasise about meeting the man of my dreams
A man with dark brown hair with a full head of hair
A man with deep ocean blue eyes that pierce into my soul without evasion or artifice
This man has luscious sensuous lips that electrify me sexually as i kiss his succulent red lips

This is a hunger a insatiable yearning for life that remains unfulfilled
I have never had the fortitude to pursue love
Too socially awkward to be vulnerable with a divine figure of masculine perfection
I dream of falling in love i dream of having drug infused sex where my body and soul is taken too higher plains of consciousness

Its a emptiness that in my short 22 years is unrealised
I want to break the shackles of my social anxiety and overcome my demons my flaws and find the euphoria of love
I want to feast on the altar of love to taste the sumptuous fruits of spiritual love

This man exists somewhere in this vast universe
He exist in my imagination as a ideal
I want to actualise this fantasy
I want to hold his hand to feel his immaculately toned body rub against mine in a divine act of physical intimacy

Get Me Home

Get me home get me home
Is the anxiety mantra I repeat to myself when I’m not at home
When the anxiety the panic is giving me disquiet
I repeat this mantra to assuage my anxiety

Its what i desire to be alone away from the terror of other people
When i perceive the onset of a panic attack I want the serenity of my private kingdom
The fear the sweating the paranoia the sadness the heavy breathing the claustrophobia
I need to get home to be safe away from the harm of the crowd of the cacophony of human interaction

Get me home i plead to a higher power to get me into a place of safety
The fear the terror of my social phobia gets so arduous that i need to be separated to exist in isolation
A simple rudimentary conversation is fraught with danger
I sense the people looking at me i feel the berate me with their cold callous eyes

Get me home the frantic anxious mantra repeats in my fractured mind
I want the warmth the calming ambience of my home
No danger when i lock the door
The mantra reverberates in my mind to alleviate my anxiety it helps its like a hug of assurance from an old friend