Dreams

Drifting away into realms of my subconscious
I dream in colour with a polychromatic visions that float through my unconscious mind
I am sailing through the vast wondrous galaxy with a awe inspiring incandescent stars beaming not my engrossed mind
Reds and blues and greens illuminate the horizon I’m in ecstasy

In this euphoric dream I’m free unchained from the manacles of anxiety and depression
I’m flying majestically through time and space
Experiencing true enlightenment as these psychedelic images transfix and beguile me
I’m on a cloud been taking higher and higher I’m on a different plain if being

This is heaven then suddenly my lover appears a immaculate image of masculinity
He stands before naked with a exquisite torso a face that beams out pure joy
He smiles iridescently at my direction my body quivers as electricity surges in me
suddenly he kiss as our trembling body are metamorphosed into works of art

The art changes then my unshaven toned lover is laying next to me on a floating cloud
We stare for hours into each other’s enchanting eyes
I witness a vast inner universe of beauty in him
The sky colour alters every second as we are higher in pure states of ecstatic being

This dream is a unique one
Devoid of nightmare our anxiety our suicidal fantasies
Its a psychedelic hallucinogenic vision of love of heaven
With the aid of cannabis and copious anti anxiety meds my atypical mind dreamed up a divine collection of dreams on a enchanting prolonged sleep

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Shadows And Tall Trees

Outside my bedroom window all i see is the shadows
A melancholic scenery of autumn trees
No sign of life no colour a absence of humanity in my secluded residence
I am alone sequestered away yearning for human contact to assuage my depressed anxiety laden malaise

All alone at home with the silence that terrifies me
No noise apart from the occasional distant echo traffic
I listen to tranquillising mediative classical music to dull my senses
I pour shot after shot of potent whisky to escape my wretched forlorn reality

Then staring intensely outside my window at the nighttime panorama i shed tears
I am alone without love without friendship wanting a hug a random act of kindness to rekindle my fading humanity
I am already dead waiting to die waiting the inevitable death to end my bleak vapid existence

The loneliness of my life with my untreated depression my social anxiety is slowly poisoning
I can feel the noxious fumes corrupt corrode my lust for life
I used to have dreams to have gleaming with fantastical visions of a illustrious future now i am a sad pathetic twenty something wanting death to end this lonely desolate life i am living

Still i glare at the flickering incandescent light that flicker with life
Inside my abode there is a darkness and walls that howl with despair

I Wish

I wish i was beautiful
I wish I could laugh without angst
I wish i could look at myself in the mirror without seeing a ugly creature peering back at me
I wish i could socialise without being hindered by a deleterious social anxiety that is torturous

I wish i could extricate this anxiety from my body
I wish i could be cured of my depression that has a myriad of detrimental effects on my body and soul
I wish i could openly admit to friends and family the depths of my illness instead of hiding my pain my illness
I wish i was happy living a gregarious ebullient life unimpeded from my demons

I want to be comfortable in my own skin to be able to venture outside without the fear of a panic attack
I want to speak candidly with a therapist and ventilate my mental illnesses
I want to be able to partake in a date with a alluring young man without the fear the dread the constant self loathing

I want to fall in love to experience the ecstasy of physical and emotional intimacy i wish to be somebody else to feel like a human being instead of a freak who’s derided castigated by society

The Strange Women At Flat Number 28

This beguiling eccentric women who resides at flat 28
A flat directly above me
I see her occasional saunter out of the block of flats
She walks with a weariness with a detached aloofness

We on rare moments came across each other
We exchange these monosyllabic awkward pleasantries
No long effusive conversations just stilted interactions
I want to know these alluring gothic nymph who exudes beauty and sadness

She’s so quiet and unassuming
Keeps to herself rarely venturing outside of her intimate enclave
Does she have friends is so in a relationship I don’t think so
She so blindingly attractive with her luscious flowing brunette hair and porcelain fragile skin

She is vulnerable i see it in her hauntingly melancholic emerald green eyes
Sometimes she acts so odd and erratic rushing home frantically even running on occasion
I fervently want to ask out this enchanting creature that in my mind is the perfect blend of vulnerability and physical beauty on a date
I want to knock on her door have her beckon me inside her private chamber and enjoy a evening of engaging conversation with alcohol music and romance i want to be romantically acquainted with my eccentric neighbour who lives directly above me

I’m Ugly

Peer into the the cracked mirror
A malformed grotesque creature is glaring back at me
Eyes devoid of life eyes so listless and languid
A face pale i shudder in horror at my homely face with a ghostlike complexion

I brush my teeth in this castigating mirror
I glimpse a set of deformed gnarled teeth
I desire a perfect ivory teeth instead of these unsightly broken teeth
I’m hideous I’m not human what are these teeth everywhere i look i see happy people with perfect iridescent smiles that emanate joy

The rest of my body that stands naked and afraid in the one mirror in my flat in my bathroom is no better
I have a flat featureless body no curves no personality
This emaciated with tiny breasts and no ass that man in his right mind would desire
I begin to cry droplets of tears as I stare intensely at my entire body at my scrawny physique

To see myself for a mere few minutes completely naked is a harrowing experience
I am so utterly ugly barely human
I want to be beautiful so badly I want to be photogenic with perfect perky breasts and perfect gleaming ivory teeth
I want to be desired to not have this sick ugly feeling about myself to not feel like scum when i view myself

This is why i eschew mirrors they bring disquiet to me
The reminder of the day i will be wrecked with anxiety with loathing
I need to remove the one mirror from my flat
Much preferable to live without glimpsing my abhorrent face

To Be Touched Hugged Loved

The wind howls in the bleak autumn evening
The stars in full display the beauty of the celestial universe is illuminated tonight
Distant echoes of people laughing dogs barking pierce through my window
The loneliness of my life is exacerbated by the sublime nighttime horizon

I stare outside my window with a haunted mournful expression
Dreaming of the majesty of falling in love with a beguiling stranger
Fantasising of being touched being hugged by a lover by a friend
A simple everyday act of human contact that absent from my desolate life

The dream of having a lover run his soft tender fingers through my hair
To kiss his honeyed lustrous lips and feel the electricity of sexual energy pulsate in my body
Feeling alive imbued with feelings of emotional validation
He’s there a vision of masculine perfection with cascading dark brown hair and a ebullient gleaming smile

I meander through life afflicted with feelings of worthlessness
I am a sub human being i am a ghost to unable to be touched to be hugged
Precluded from expressing a modicum of emotion of ever being vulnerable due to the hindrances of my personality
I long i ache to be touched to be kissed to be caressed to feel like a human being instead of this outcasted monster

Checked Out

Gone in the head the emotion runs dry
I’ve checked out of the world
The depression has destroyed me left me a shattered shell of a man
Friends family are discarded I never go out no point

My eyes dead no live no exuberance just a listless dead expression
I have ceased smiling laughing I have this permanent stoic robotic countenance
My body hunched over i refrain from making any eye contact
I walk past people like they don’t exist

All the colour all the beauty all the rich tapestry of being alive of being human
Its rendered meaningless by my emotional dead state of mind
Life is dripping away i am lost in the crevasses of my fractured mind
Lost in the interior dead space lost to the wilderness lost to clinical depression

I don’t care anymore don’t care if I’m alive or dead
Nothing matters friendship family falling in love are pointless as I descend into the abyss of my madness
I have stopped caring about friends neglecting important enduring friendships
Stopped exhibiting any emotion as these dead haunted eyes are the windows on my broken soul that wants to die that wants to not exist feeling nothing