The Monster

It lives within me this beast this monster It threatens to ruin me to devour me from the inside When I’m in public when in unfamiliar situations the monster appears torturing me It tells me I’m ugly I’m worthless I’m unlovable The monster has rendered me ravaged shattered exhausted barely able to function It blinded […]

I’m Ugly Living With Body Dysmorphia

The genesis of my body dysmorphia began as I entered adolescence. I was always this shy introverted who was acutely self conscious around my secondary school peers. Then a tragic event befall our family my mother committed suicide in my first year i attended secondary school the ptsd I incurred and the isolation i surmised […]

Fear And Loathing At The Supermarket

It happens every time I venture into the terrifying supermarket My mind is besieged with anxiety with gnarled feelings of worthlessness I enter the door with my heart racing at a frantic pace Beads Of sweat form on my forehead as the anxiety surges through my body Ethereal classical music is reverberating in my ear […]

Shadows And Tall Trees

Outside my bedroom window all i see is the shadows A melancholic scenery of autumn trees No sign of life no colour a absence of humanity in my secluded residence I am alone sequestered away yearning for human contact to assuage my depressed anxiety laden malaise All alone at home with the silence that terrifies […]

Dread

I cant stop shacking my knees are trembling I’m overcome with angst I’m scratching my hands with my fingers Then i keep tapping my feet I’m on the outside away from the comfort the security of my shelter my home The dread the fear is overwhelming My breathing is frantic I’m trying diligently to control […]

The Perpetual Hell Of Living With A Social Anxiety Disorder

My social anxiety began in the aftermath of my mothers suicide. Before that harrowing emotional scaring event at the age of 13 i was a shy introvert who could be described as socially awkward. After witnessing my mother dead body the ptsd it was the genesis of my pernicious social anxiety disorder. In the months […]

Isolation

Trapped inside my flat my insulated enclaveTrapped inside the inhibitions of my anxiety riddled personalityThe isolation the alienation of my life is slowly killing me I look outside my dusty window and see a vast landscape a world with colour with beauty i want to experience to taste to devour My anxiety disorder precludes me […]

The Wedding Part 1

Its 8:00 am i have awoken at a ungodly early hour on a clement august Saturday in my old bed in my old house on this supposedly momentous day. Its the day of my fathers wedding day his second wedding nearly 10 years since the traumatic suicide of my mum. 10 years ago my mum […]

Given Up

A gaunt face with sallow checks devoid of colour Eyes that once were effervescent now appear listless and haunted A body haunched over emitting negative energy No eye contact no ebullient smile as she meets strangers or lifelong friends She has given up on life Give up on the glorious possibility of love Given up […]

The House Of Mirrors

Its fast approaching midnight my body is weary my eyes are drowsy. I am wearing my silky crimson jimjams which i typically wear when the British climate becomes more clement and not so stiflingly humid. My anxiety has dissipated as i sense the serene effects of the cannabis i inhaled minutes ago. With my body […]