I Miss You Mum

6 years this week you killed yourself
It hurts like acid burning a hole in my stomach
I miss you think about you everyday
Miss your hugs your effusive hugs you bestowed upon me

I miss you mum i cry when I hear your funeral song
I shed a profusion of tears when I gaze at photographs of you on my phone
I yearn for one last chance one last moment to bask in the iridescence of your external love

Still can recall seeing your haunted eyes as you hung from the ceiling
That image is tattooed on my ravaged mind
The wounds of losing you so prematurely and tragedy will never heal
I will never recover from losing you from suicide the hole in my soul can never be filled

Mum i need you in the mire the moil of my depression
I call out for you in the starry night as i survey the majestic awe inspiring cosmos i think about the memories we shared
I mediate on the future memories that was denied by from your egregious decision to end your life to abandon your daughter in the turmoil of her anxiety laden adolescence

Alive

Take the menacing blade of glass in my right hands that is erratically trembling
I hols my left arm on the floor and cut with the sharp blade cutting into my underarms
Laceration after laceration is made in another bout of euphoric self harm
Blood cascades from the deep wounds onto my wooden bedroom floor

I feel no pain the profusion of alcohol and painkillers numbs to the pain of this masochistic deleterious act
When I with reckless abandon are cutting into my underarm i feel alive
The pain of my depression is a transformed into a euphoric pure state of being
I’m able to articulate my self loathing my disgust my desire to not exist on my body

I purge this toxic suppressed emotion in a nighttime act i commit in secret
In the heat of the night I’m alive no longer trapped in anxiety laden numbness
Now i can succinctly visually communicate with myself the hell of my condition
Tomorrow i will be writhing in excruciating pain but now in the ecstasy of the midnight self harm I’m alive no longer feeling like a mindless zombie able through cutting into my ravaged body to transcend this emotionally constipated state and feel something anything

Voices In My Head

Lost in the walls of my mind
Lost all alone with these venomous inner voices that reverberate inside my damaged mind
They scream they bellow when i loom at my ghastly visage in the mirror
They scream freak ugly scum as i shudder

These voices bark at me in the night
They tell me to kill myself
They drag me down into the mire they make me feel worthless
As the voices grow more boisterous as my self loathing intensifies I descend into a vicious cycle of suicidal thoughts

I cant sleep cant escape these inner voices that torment me
I want to make these acerbic voices fade away
I hear them when i interact with strangers they engender a feeling of so paranoia

Voices like savage barks from a wild dog haunt me in my perennial alienation and clinical depression
I want to muffle these voices but they are unrelenting i cant abate these voices
Barking and howling preventing me from breaking out of my malaise

I am lost in my darkness with only these vicious howls of torment for company
Nobody to hug to kiss to share laughter to nullify these voices in my mental ill head
I scream for these voices to cease torturing me
They carry on advising me to end my vapid pathetic life these voices grow more vociferous as my illness solidifies in my introverted personality

Spiralling Out Of Control

My mind is beset with anxiety today
I started the day feeling normal just slightly nervous
Then over the course of the day my anxiety intensified as i spiralled out of control
By the end of the day my hands were shacking i could barely breathe

This anxiety is killing its living in hell
Its rendered me unable to function around people living so reclusive
I have to refrain from going on nights out
I refuse to answer the door or my iPhone all lines of communication are shut down when my anxiety is this acute

Today though all it took was a contemptuous glance from a fellow student to set me off in a vicious circle of paranoia of self loathing
That icy indifferent glare left me burdened with panic and dread
I had to vamoose to the toilet on several occasions to control my erratic breathing

Tomorrow though i have to attend a series of lectures all will endure the same psychological torture
Feeling this sickness in my skin wanting to be alone away from the claustrophobia of being engulfed in disquieting social situations
The problem is I’m so adroit at concealing my socially impeding disorder

Tomorrow there will be the averted glances the endless nervous energy pulsating in my aching bones
I want this nightmare to end to be free to be happy around people not to hate even participating in rudimentary conversations
My mind after a day of protracted anxiety is exhausted I’m hiding under my pillow finally experiencing a modicum of serenity

Dreams

Drifting away into realms of my subconscious
I dream in colour with a polychromatic visions that float through my unconscious mind
I am sailing through the vast wondrous galaxy with a awe inspiring incandescent stars beaming not my engrossed mind
Reds and blues and greens illuminate the horizon I’m in ecstasy

In this euphoric dream I’m free unchained from the manacles of anxiety and depression
I’m flying majestically through time and space
Experiencing true enlightenment as these psychedelic images transfix and beguile me
I’m on a cloud been taking higher and higher I’m on a different plain if being

This is heaven then suddenly my lover appears a immaculate image of masculinity
He stands before naked with a exquisite torso a face that beams out pure joy
He smiles iridescently at my direction my body quivers as electricity surges in me
suddenly he kiss as our trembling body are metamorphosed into works of art

The art changes then my unshaven toned lover is laying next to me on a floating cloud
We stare for hours into each other’s enchanting eyes
I witness a vast inner universe of beauty in him
The sky colour alters every second as we are higher in pure states of ecstatic being

This dream is a unique one
Devoid of nightmare our anxiety our suicidal fantasies
Its a psychedelic hallucinogenic vision of love of heaven
With the aid of cannabis and copious anti anxiety meds my atypical mind dreamed up a divine collection of dreams on a enchanting prolonged sleep

Fear And Loathing At The Supermarket

It happens every time I venture into the terrifying supermarket
My mind is besieged with anxiety with gnarled feelings of worthlessness
I enter the door with my heart racing at a frantic pace
Beads Of sweat form on my forehead as the anxiety surges through my body

Ethereal classical music is reverberating in my ear with my blue tooth headphones
The music helps to mitigate the hell of a brief visit at my local supermarket
I pick up a basket to purchase a few essential items as i peruse the shop
I rush around with sweat with terror with perpetual feelings of dread

Avoid eye contact with my fellow shoppers i keep my eyes to myself
Its utterly horrible i struggle to breathe struggle to maintain my veneer of outward serenity
Inside beyond this composed demeanour lurks a vast inner universe of suffering and sadness at being afflicted with a determination social anxiety disorder

To assuage my anxiety I perform a few idiosyncratic non verbal ticks
I profusely tap my fingers against my waist then i rub and scratch my fingers against my palm
I keep tapping my fingers occasionally rubbing my face to nullify the intense disquiet that pulsating in my fractured mind
After a 10 minute agitated shop i am finally at the checkout
This is the worst part having a cashier judging me excoriating my appearance my purchases i begin to breathe at a accelerated rate finally i hand over my card and I’m free to leave this wretched place free to leave the nightmare performing a rudimentary everyday task normal people take for granted

The Fear

I’m afraid I’m petrified it the fear the anxiety that I have to endure
The fear of the outside of being trapped in uncomfortable unfamiliar social situations
The fear of being vulnerable of feeling this nakedness
The fear of a dreadful injurious panic attack that every time feels like death

The fear begins with heavy uncontrolled hysterical breathing
I can’t breathe i cant breathe i cant catch a breathe
I falling down a dark tunnel a million anxiety laden thoughts pulsate in my fractured psyche
I drop to my knees my arms clasp my head still I’m falling at a precipitous pace down into the abyss

I’m dying i feel like death the fear is horrifying
Is this hell is this death is this another harrowing panic attack
Or am I suffering an actual heart attack
Theres shooting pains in my arms i cant breathe i cant walk

My chest is so oppressively constricted please let this nightmare be over
I cry from the panic from the misery of this purgatory this panic attack
The tears flow i am hysterical i want to be home
I fervently desire the serenity of my bed i want the tears to stop

Still i am breathing heavily and frantically
People are watching judging castigating my abnormal behaviour
I cant help it i am afflicted with a pathological anxiety disorder
The tears still cascading i return to a semblance of normality as the panic attack abates now I have to lumber on home with the paranoia the agony of another pernicious traumatising panic attack