Spiralling Out Of Control

My mind is beset with anxiety today
I started the day feeling normal just slightly nervous
Then over the course of the day my anxiety intensified as i spiralled out of control
By the end of the day my hands were shacking i could barely breathe

This anxiety is killing its living in hell
Its rendered me unable to function around people living so reclusive
I have to refrain from going on nights out
I refuse to answer the door or my iPhone all lines of communication are shut down when my anxiety is this acute

Today though all it took was a contemptuous glance from a fellow student to set me off in a vicious circle of paranoia of self loathing
That icy indifferent glare left me burdened with panic and dread
I had to vamoose to the toilet on several occasions to control my erratic breathing

Tomorrow though i have to attend a series of lectures all will endure the same psychological torture
Feeling this sickness in my skin wanting to be alone away from the claustrophobia of being engulfed in disquieting social situations
The problem is I’m so adroit at concealing my socially impeding disorder

Tomorrow there will be the averted glances the endless nervous energy pulsating in my aching bones
I want this nightmare to end to be free to be happy around people not to hate even participating in rudimentary conversations
My mind after a day of protracted anxiety is exhausted I’m hiding under my pillow finally experiencing a modicum of serenity

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Dreams

Drifting away into realms of my subconscious
I dream in colour with a polychromatic visions that float through my unconscious mind
I am sailing through the vast wondrous galaxy with a awe inspiring incandescent stars beaming not my engrossed mind
Reds and blues and greens illuminate the horizon I’m in ecstasy

In this euphoric dream I’m free unchained from the manacles of anxiety and depression
I’m flying majestically through time and space
Experiencing true enlightenment as these psychedelic images transfix and beguile me
I’m on a cloud been taking higher and higher I’m on a different plain if being

This is heaven then suddenly my lover appears a immaculate image of masculinity
He stands before naked with a exquisite torso a face that beams out pure joy
He smiles iridescently at my direction my body quivers as electricity surges in me
suddenly he kiss as our trembling body are metamorphosed into works of art

The art changes then my unshaven toned lover is laying next to me on a floating cloud
We stare for hours into each other’s enchanting eyes
I witness a vast inner universe of beauty in him
The sky colour alters every second as we are higher in pure states of ecstatic being

This dream is a unique one
Devoid of nightmare our anxiety our suicidal fantasies
Its a psychedelic hallucinogenic vision of love of heaven
With the aid of cannabis and copious anti anxiety meds my atypical mind dreamed up a divine collection of dreams on a enchanting prolonged sleep

Fear And Loathing At The Supermarket

It happens every time I venture into the terrifying supermarket
My mind is besieged with anxiety with gnarled feelings of worthlessness
I enter the door with my heart racing at a frantic pace
Beads Of sweat form on my forehead as the anxiety surges through my body

Ethereal classical music is reverberating in my ear with my blue tooth headphones
The music helps to mitigate the hell of a brief visit at my local supermarket
I pick up a basket to purchase a few essential items as i peruse the shop
I rush around with sweat with terror with perpetual feelings of dread

Avoid eye contact with my fellow shoppers i keep my eyes to myself
Its utterly horrible i struggle to breathe struggle to maintain my veneer of outward serenity
Inside beyond this composed demeanour lurks a vast inner universe of suffering and sadness at being afflicted with a determination social anxiety disorder

To assuage my anxiety I perform a few idiosyncratic non verbal ticks
I profusely tap my fingers against my waist then i rub and scratch my fingers against my palm
I keep tapping my fingers occasionally rubbing my face to nullify the intense disquiet that pulsating in my fractured mind
After a 10 minute agitated shop i am finally at the checkout
This is the worst part having a cashier judging me excoriating my appearance my purchases i begin to breathe at a accelerated rate finally i hand over my card and I’m free to leave this wretched place free to leave the nightmare performing a rudimentary everyday task normal people take for granted

The Fear

I’m afraid I’m petrified it the fear the anxiety that I have to endure
The fear of the outside of being trapped in uncomfortable unfamiliar social situations
The fear of being vulnerable of feeling this nakedness
The fear of a dreadful injurious panic attack that every time feels like death

The fear begins with heavy uncontrolled hysterical breathing
I can’t breathe i cant breathe i cant catch a breathe
I falling down a dark tunnel a million anxiety laden thoughts pulsate in my fractured psyche
I drop to my knees my arms clasp my head still I’m falling at a precipitous pace down into the abyss

I’m dying i feel like death the fear is horrifying
Is this hell is this death is this another harrowing panic attack
Or am I suffering an actual heart attack
Theres shooting pains in my arms i cant breathe i cant walk

My chest is so oppressively constricted please let this nightmare be over
I cry from the panic from the misery of this purgatory this panic attack
The tears flow i am hysterical i want to be home
I fervently desire the serenity of my bed i want the tears to stop

Still i am breathing heavily and frantically
People are watching judging castigating my abnormal behaviour
I cant help it i am afflicted with a pathological anxiety disorder
The tears still cascading i return to a semblance of normality as the panic attack abates now I have to lumber on home with the paranoia the agony of another pernicious traumatising panic attack

Freak

The voices in my head as i gaze at my hideous visage in the mirror
Freak freak ugly monster you hideous unlovable cunt
These internal voices reverberate in my fractured psyche
They grow more vociferous as i interact with the general public

I’m a unlovable freak a social leper
Im cursed with this ugly exterior that is all people see
I see in their derisive glances people look down on me
They look at me with utter contempt with revulsion

I’m a subhuman creature to them and myself
A gollum creature who all twisted and gnarled on the outside and inside
My repulsive physical appearance is a reflection of my damaged deformed soul
There’s no beauty no life inside of me only self loathing and a deep perennial sadness that never subsides or abates

I imagine in my mind what people think of me
I theorise they call me ugly under their breathe that they shudder and recoil in horror as they glimpse my face
I am a freak a monster that no man will ever find attractive or alluring
I will be ignored become a invisible tortured soul who is shunned by society who is forced to exist in the wilderness in the desert never feeling love or physical gratification only constant rejection

Shrine To My Dead Mum

In my room which nobody is allowed to enter
I keep it locked it’s my private kingdom my sanctuary my fortress of solitude
In my gothically decorated room on my Chester draws is a shrine to my deceased mother
There is a array of sentinel mementos which is a daily reminder of the beautiful Irish women who birthed me

There is a collage of photographs my mums suicide note she wrote to me
There are childhood toys a teddy bear that keep the fading memory of my mum alive
Every day before I drift into the land of nod i say a prayer dedicated to my mum
Every day shes there in my thoughts she haunts me

Its been nearly 5 year since she killed herself in the harrowing day when me and my father discovered her body hanging
That memory of seeing this divine women who bestowed upon me such unconditional boundless love looking so haunted
The memory has endured in me i thank about the pain the suffering she endured in her final weeks
I have suffered from a untreated mental illness just like my mum and its a brutal to have nobody to divulge your emotional suffering to

The shrine with religious images with the cross of Jesus
With my mothers angelic image her beauty that lights up my dark gothic room
My mum is like the Virgin Mary to me now she is sainted in my damaged fractured mind
She has become a saint a guardian angel giving me strength in dark times when I seriously contemplate killing myself

Beauty

I am obsessed with my physical appearance
Spending hours in the mirror critiquing my repugnant pallid visage
I want to be beautiful to be the object of attraction
I want this flawless physical perfection that’s illustrated by instagram models

These instagram influencers with there image they portray of a idyllic life
With there immaculate faces and tanned toned glistening bodies that exude beauty from every pore
They seem so happy to be alive to be comfortable in their skin
They show no anxiety in smiling in revealing their picture perfect iridescent ivory teeth

Its such a stark contrast to my life in my grim student existence
I life without sunshine without beauty
I rarely venture outside apart from attending lectures
On these sporadic occasions i feel the anxiety the sickness at my grotesque freakish physical presence

I never smile never laugh i keep my mouth closed
Often i wear a scarf to veil my physical deformity to strangers
I feel so vulnerable so fragile when I interact with strangers
Wearing a scarf a hoodie sunglasses putting on this mask to make myself invisible to the world to shelter myself from the derision of humanity to protect my flaws from others who look down on my glimmering ugliness