I see has angelic radiating face my heart flutters
My stomach rumbles with nervous excitement
He smiles at me with his immaculate iridescent smile
Why is he gazing at me i averted my gaze as his luscious emerald green eyes beguile me
When i see him at the coffee bar in the university campus I’m transfixed by his divine statuesque body
I always though blinded encumbered by a crippling social anxiety act aloof not wanting to reveal the tumult of amorous feeling flowing in my body
He gets me all hot and sweaty just thinking about him dreaming of the ecstasy of falling in love having sex with this ethereal creature
My stomach rumbles my hands shake with pure adrenaline
I cant contain my awkwardness my body overridden with anxiety
When he finally break the ice and exchange a few monosyllabic pleasantries the fear is overwhelming
I cant control my body i try to maintain a semblance of serenity of calmness in his vicinity
After this awkward exchange i almost collapse from the anxiety pulsating
I’m positive he’s only being kind and amiable in engaging in a brusque conversation with me
Why would he be attracted to a ugly loser like me
Look at him with his perfect flowing brunette hair and me with my unkempt messy appearance bereft of beauty
Still the dream of love of sex of emotional intimacy consumes me he’s forever in my thoughts
Lost and confused in a alienated state
Alone in the hell of my tortured existence
Nobody cares there’s nobody who understands who knows about my pain
I want to reach and feel a connection to have another soul hold my mind hug me tightly and share my disorder
I’m ill a body paralysed with anxiety with suicidal thoughts
I endure weekly panic attacks where I’m unable to vacate my flat
I drink i smoke a profusion of illicit and legal drugs to numb my pain
Then in states of intoxicated fervent i cut myself to have a cathartic release then i carry waterfalls of tears
My anxiety disorder is crippling i cant breathe i cant sleep
I cant have friends or experience anything resembling a normal social life
I’m imprisoned in my tortured fractured mind living ensconced in the tiny enclave of my dank flat
Friends vehemently persistently request my company i have to decline the anxiety is too onerous I retreat into protracted states of isolation
Nobody knows of my hell its all a dark secret
The panic attacks the suicidal predilections the bouts of self mutilation the insomnia the self loathing all is concealed in my introverted introspective personality
I’m sick a dying broken soul laying awake in my cold bed
Living a sad life bereft of human contact or love wanting to divulge my disorder to a fellow sufferer of anxiety
Its been 6 years exactly since that dreaded fateful day when me and my dad discovered my mums lifeless haunted body hanging from the top of our living room doorway. The memory the images the wounds of that day blight my mind. I can recall arriving home feeling this teenage weariness after a long day at school followed by a tedious cello lesson and seeing the grisly sight of my mum hanging their. On that day I collapsed into a heap on the floor unable to fathom the reality that my mum killed herself. My father stood there static in a state of paralysis we never cried he held his tears inside of him like a stereotypical repressed english man.
Even though its been 6 long years i can vividly recollect every moment of that day the tears the police and coroner showing up. The contrasting reaction of my mums friends to my dad who descended upon our home to console me and my dad.
Today though in the seclusion of my bedroom I’m carrying on a sacred private tradition of dedicating the evening to my mums memory. I’m sitting on the floor of my bedroom with a variety of exemplary iconic cello compositions being played on my Bluetooth speakers. I have in my meticulous manner rolled several cannabis joints and have a large bottle of scotch whisky all of which will be devoured throughout this evening. Its 7 o’clock in the evening time to begin the proceedings time to pay homage to my wonderful mother who died so tragically. With tears in my eyes as the Elgar cello concerto reverberates across the walls of my intimate eclectically decorated room i down two shots of premium whisky. Then i begin smoking my potent psychoactive joint that hopefully will elicit the happy memories of my mum from my childhood. Then i garb a hold of my suicide note which was her final thoughts in which she delineated the reasons why she had kill herself. My hands are shacking as i begin reading this crinkled torn final reflections on life on death on the hell of living with a untreated secret mental illness. I wipe a tear from my left cheek and blow my nose and begin to slowly read my mums forlorn suicide elegy.
“ Dear family,
I am writing this letter to tell you why i killed myself. If your reading this you probably have discovered my dead body hanging bereft of life. I want to say I’m profoundly sorry for the pain for the misery my selfish self destructive decision has engendered. You have every right to be upset and enraged by my decision to terminated my time on earth. Please understand you have no idea whats its like enduring depression have this hurricane of sadness swirling around your mind day after day month after month. Having this dysmorphia with life having no way of articulating the despair that has slowly poisoning me for years. The shame of my illness hiding my emotional torment behind a simpering smile. As i write this note i am glancing over a collection of my photographs seeing the fake plastic smile that conceals a hidden illness. The smile the laughing behind those eyes i am dying i am screaming on the inside desperate to disclose my sickness that’s rotting me from the inside. I’m sure you are completely ignorant of my sporadic bouts of depression which i mask with my gregarious effervescent personality. I have since i was a teenager become adept at masking this illness never crying in public always making up elaborate excuses to prevent my secret my shame from ever getting out. You are entirely unaware that on numerous other instances i have planned to kill myself and backed out at the last moment. Even going as far to compose a verbosely worded note then destroying the evidence when at the last moment i found a reason to carry on existing. Now though its too late there’s no reason to stay alive even your unconditioned eternal love won’t save me from the jaws of death. I want death i want to cease breathing oxygen the hell of being me being 40 living the terminal loneliness the torture has killed me. I cant speak to anybody I’m unable to be vulnerable to divulge my condition even to my father my beautiful angelic daughter my long suffering kind husband the love of my life. I’m sick of it sick and tired of the piss and shit of life of i cant endure the cancer of depression anymore. I’m cant sleep i drink to excess I’ve turned down vehement requests from my closets comrades for nights out when I’m at home all alone a ocean of sadness flows from my eyes. Then in your empathetic company i hide the sadness put on a plastic persona of sanity whilst I’m drowning inside all the time. I know I’m a stupid selfish bitch I’m sick I’m dying from my depression its left bereft of joy unable to function. Aria my beautiful precious daughter know that i love you and that I’m crying looking at images of you as a precious baby. Aria if you feel ill please I’m begging speak to somebody to a friend to a doctor don’t hide repress the dark thoughts don’t live in purgatory like me. Micheal the love of my life don’t blame this on yourself. I never stopped loving you gave me a home you gave me the strength to carry on but now the pain is too severe to endure. I want you to never forget me cherish the seldom joyous memories we shared and please I’m imploring to not commit a deleterious act please don’t commit suicide. Love you forever i have to die I have to end the endless nightmare of being me”
My face was soaked in sadness as I concluded my mums despairing final thoughts. The cannabis intensified the melancholic sensation of today reading my mums suicide lament. The Elgar cello concerto hit the crescendo as the cello combined with the cannabis and my reading of the elegy rendered unconsolable. I cried I held my head in my hands as i perused a collage of my mums most transcendent images. There was no anger just a deep seething regret at the universe for taking my mum. I had determined to spend the rest of the evening getting high listening to my mums treasured music this is the day i pay tribute to the women who brought me into this cruel unforgiving world.
Let me regale you of a euphoric night of pure hedonism
Spending a night with my university cohorts
A night devoid of sadness where my heart was in pure rapture
Drinking alcohol enjoying the geniality of my closest friends
The evening commenced as the sun was setting with a sublime kaleidoscopic sunset
We drank in our student accommodation
Voraciously downing a bottle of sumptuous white wine to experience the first bliss of drunkenness
Then our intimate tribe headed out to a myriad of pubs and clubs where are insatiable appetite for alcohol and engaging conversation would be satiated
Starting out in a few local pubs drinking pints of evocative cider
This cider sent my head spinning i felt the initial bliss in my bloodstream
Then he embarked on a series of nightclubs in which we danced with careless abandon
With the aid of a superfluity of alcohol we were lost in the night
Drinking dancing into the wee hours of the morning
No care no disquiet no sadness in the euphoria of the night
Smiling laughing as we luxuriated in each other conversation
As we danced we attracted the attention of lust filled glances of males admirers
For once I was imbued with a sensation of beauty of belonging
The profusion of alcohol the human contact the humanity flowing in the night
I was alive in states of rapture feeling the high of the whisky the vodka the cocktails
Not wanting the sublime night to end we traversed back to our student abodes we were floating like spirits in states of pure ecstatic being
I exist in this mask this persona that portrays a veneer of sanity
Behind the mask lurks a inner world of darkness with a pernicious social anxiety and crippling depression that i conceal from all of humanity
I go out to the world interact with friends smiling laughing concealing my pain never frowning never disclosing my acute social anxiety
I have this dread this constant fear of being found out
Of anybody discovering my fractured psyche discovering my anxiety
Hence I have constructed elaborate excuses when i suffer from extreme bouts of suicidal depression when I’m able to be a participator in life
To disguise my anxiety i have told friends that i am afflicted with asthma that’s why on occasion i have bouts of hyperventilating breathing when in reality I’m enduring a panic attack
Many times though i eschew public gatherings making up flimsy excuses for why i cant attend nights out
The depression is a lot easier to hide you can smile put on this facade of serenity to mask the inner torment lurking in the recesses of my mind
Anxiety is getting harder to hide with existing in public becoming more acutely onerous
Still i smile laugh conceal my extreme nervousness never letting the mask slip away I’m terrified of anybody discovering the shame of my disorder
Its 2 am in the morning my hands are shacking covered in blood from another masochistic bout of self harm. I’m laying on my kitchen floor with a razor blade in my right hand my left arm looks ravaged with several vertical deep lacerations on my underarm. My pain receptors are dulled and numb from the excess of whisky i have devoured throughout this lonesome evening. I cant feel the pain of my wounds that will happen tomorrow on top of a punishing hangover. I’m in a dark place at my wits end seriously considering ending my life. Elgar cello concerto echoes throughout the thin walls of my flat playing on my Bluetooth speakers. As I hear the heart wrenching sublime sound of Jacqueline du pre playing the cello with adroitness tears stream down my ashen face devoid of beauty.
I’m crying uncontrollable unable to control my breathing. Breathing in and out at a frantic rate I repeat the phrase in my hand I can’t breathe i cant breathe for several minutes. I feel like death the dread is overpowering the suicidal thoughts overpower my intoxicated mind. I’ve spent all Saturday with the curtains shut in my flat and wearing my crimson silk pyjamas. I commenced drinking my whisky and coke cocktail around 2 in the afternoon wanting to nullify the pain i been subsisting with for the previous several weeks. I cant bare it anymore I’m a 23 year old living alone living with severe depression with a impairing social anxiety disorder and a myriad of other mentally ill symptoms indicative of a long term untreated psychosis. I have neglected important pivotal friendships due to the severity of my social anxiety and the depression has compounded my desolate suicidal disposition. I feel like such a fucking loser a freak who’s been condemned to a life of abject misery and being sequestered from the human race from the kindness and love of strangers due to my disorders.
In my paralytic condition wanting to end my life with the razor blade hovering perilously above my wrist i take a last chance and call the suicidal army crisis hotline. I can’t call any of my family or a distant friend who are still lodged in my iPhone contact list who i still consider a friend. To bare my soul to unload my desperate fragile mental state to somebody I know fills my heart with dread. Especially calling them at 2 in the morning in my delirious drug frenzied state. Throughout the years i have carefully concealed the depths of my pain my anxiety my suicidal predilections my self harm from anybody with whom who knows me who cares for me. Hence i conclude to call of the kind soft spoken sympathetic listening operators with whom I’ve spoken with on numerous occasions on the past several years. This time though i want to die i need to be reminded given any reason why I should remain alive to be part of the living.
My hands are shacking profusely my lips are quivering snot is flowing from my nose I’m a drunken mess wanting to hear a solemn voice in my hell. Dialling the number still on the kitchen floor slumped in a drunken stupor actually terrified of speaking to a volunteer and divulging my desire to end my life. The number rings three times a volunteer answers my forlorn call with a hushed dulcet voice that immediately assuages my anxiety. “Hello how can i help you”
She initiates our conversation. There’s a awkward silence of 10 seconds before I gather myself before i control my breathe and blow my nose.
“ hello mam i want to kill myself i cant stand the pain anymore I’ve got a razor blade and i want to slash my wrists.” My voice cracks i can hardly speak as i utter these words and pronounce my thoughts to another soul. The listener responds with stereotypical calmness trying diligently to appease me to convince that not take a deleterious action. “ please put down the razor blade try to calm down how long have you been feeling suicidal or depressed.” She utters in a unwavering calm manner as i acquiesce to her simple demand placing the blade on my blood stained lilo kitchen floor. I respond opening myself to another human being allowing for once an person into my inner world.
“ I have been living with this depression for years living with anxiety but for the past several months the hurt of existing has grown more severe. Everyday i think about killing myself. There’s nobody in my life who cares about me i am alone in the darkness i cant endure it anymore i just want to end the pain of my pathetic life” I break down and become inconsolable with rivers if sadness cascading down my face . My hands collapse into my tear drenched face I’m still encamped on the floor with arms coated in my blood i wait patiently for a response to my verbose declaration of my fractured psyche.
“Please calm down I’m listening to you understand there are people I’m certain in your life who care for you. I’m sure you have friends and family who would be devastated if you committed suicide” There was a uncomfortable silence as the amiable listener waited for my response. I responded barely able to articulate my thoughts with a voice stammering and quivering.
“Tttankyou for your www words i jjust nneeded somebody to talk to i know i need help that i need therapy i need to speak to my friends about my dire emotional state” I was amazed at how lucid i was in in my intoxicated suicidal mind space.
The listener realised her compassionate words had dissuaded me from ending my life that this was a despairing cry for help in the bleak hours of a Sunday morning. She concluded our brief conversation have sage words of advice.
“ I’m promising you that you’ll feel better in the morning. You’ve taken the first steps in dealing with your mental illness actually speaking to another person showing that bravery. I’m asking you to talk about your depression your anxiety with your mother and father they care for you and then take the next scary steps of speaking with a therapist who will ameliorate your condition. I’m proud of you that you put down the razor blade and can you please promise me you wont end your life” She concluded as I responded tentatively
“Thank you for hearing for taking my call for listening attentively to my lamentable words. Its so cathartic to talk to a stranger to realise I’m not alone in this cold world that somebody cares about me. Thank you mam I promise i wont kill myself”
We then in unison said our goodbyes as i terminated by 2am call to the Salvation Army Suicide hotline. I sat there for minutes afterwards on the floor with a strange feeling of elation pulsating in my body. I got up sauntered languidly to the bathroom and removed the dried blood stains from my hair and in my listless drunken stupor applied a profusion of disinfectant to my self infected wounds. Still with my pain receptors numbed from the excessive of alcohol i felt no pain. Walked to my bedroom deciding to mop up the excess of blood on my kitchen floor tomorrow.
I lay in my bed for minutes feeling like a human being that matters the loneliness had temporarily dissipated in that pivotal early morning interaction.
I have this envision of a perfect idealised idyllic existence
A life far removed from the my lonely life of creative disappointment
A life far away from the rattle and hum of my anxiety impaired urban existence
Its a life living in the lush British countryside
I have a charming beguiling man of my dreams by my side
We have cultivated through our unbreakable cosmic bond a family with 2 divine little angels
We live in a quaint english cottage in the south of England surrounded by all the trappings all the allure of nature
My husband like myself is a successful writer he writes as a opinion columnist whilst i am a bestselling eminent novelist who’s lauded for her works of creative genius
Its a idyllic pastoral setting where i am inspired to conceive a prolific prodigious output of novels
This dream life is devoid of the anxiety of living in the hustle and bustle of the city
I eschew being a celebrity and exist with my family a recluse who’s committed to raise two beautiful children
Days in our cottage are spent going on extensive hikes through this majestic countryside that assumes my anxiety disorder
Free from the anguish of the crowd residing in a sparsely populated place
I am liberated from my social anxiety disorder never having to endure the hell of a crowded club
In this dream life I fantasise about my mind is unimpeded from the manacles of depression
I am blessed in prolonged states of euphoric happiness living a enriching fulfilling coexistence with my heavenly man of my dreams and our angelic offspring