Anxiety

My body is permeated with disquiet
My thoughts are cloudy my mind racked with fear
I cant control my breathe as I breathe erratically when I’m in public
People stare at me the anxiety intensifies i fall down a black hole of sadness

On the outside i never feel safe I’m alone terrified of a panic attack
I take long breathes to maintain my breathing cycle
I diligently try to maintain a veneer if sanity whilst on the inside I’m crying I’m screaming
In the midst of my injurious anxiety i yearn i ache for the euphoria of solitude

This pernicious anxiety disorder is detrimentally affecting the quality of my life
I cant cultivate romantic relationships due to my acute social phobia
I habitually turn down ardent calls for nights out with close confidants over the anxiety i will endure on a night of socialising of fraternising
I am alone in the darkness unable to articulate to vent my pain of this anxiety

I get pernicious attacks on a monthly basis
Its a horrifying ordeal when i am afflicted with a random panic attack
I cant breathe i collapse to the floor i think I’m dying
Then there’s a profusion of tears i secrete from my eyes after the hell of a panic attack its constant never ending torture I face day after day unable too function unable to live a full gregarious ebullient life

Advertisements

Heart Of Gold

I keep on searching through the mire the moil for a heart of gold
A beautiful soul who will elevate me who will transform me
To fall in love to connect spiritually with a charismatic man of my dreams
In the purgatory of my depression in my loneliness i never give up hope

This man exists in my vast imagination
He has flowing dark brown hair
Blue eyes like the ocean that are piecing that gaze into the windows of my soul without fear or artifice
He has a immaculate iridescent effusive smile

He laughs at my jokes and brings me joy with his amenable personality
He smiles frequently has no qualms about being vulnerable or earnest
His warm ebullient personality allows me to be open to confess my struggles with anxiety with depression
When i break down and cry talking about my depression he hugs me intensely he makes me feel like a women a human being that’s loved

This man with a heart of gold exist somewhere in this vast metropolis
He surely resides on this planet hopefully fortuitously our stars will cross
I want to taste his honeyed luscious lips
I want to feel the warmth of his body i want to experience the sublimity of physical intimacy i want his love

The Hunger Inside

I perpetually fantasise about meeting the man of my dreams
A man with dark brown hair with a full head of hair
A man with deep ocean blue eyes that pierce into my soul without evasion or artifice
This man has luscious sensuous lips that electrify me sexually as i kiss his succulent red lips

This is a hunger a insatiable yearning for life that remains unfulfilled
I have never had the fortitude to pursue love
Too socially awkward to be vulnerable with a divine figure of masculine perfection
I dream of falling in love i dream of having drug infused sex where my body and soul is taken too higher plains of consciousness

Its a emptiness that in my short 22 years is unrealised
I want to break the shackles of my social anxiety and overcome my demons my flaws and find the euphoria of love
I want to feast on the altar of love to taste the sumptuous fruits of spiritual love

This man exists somewhere in this vast universe
He exist in my imagination as a ideal
I want to actualise this fantasy
I want to hold his hand to feel his immaculately toned body rub against mine in a divine act of physical intimacy

Unlovable

No love on the bleak horizon
I cant find love all my life im rejected
Im ignored i am invisble to potentail male suitors
On occasion I gaze in my cracked mirror and see why I’m ignored

I am a unlovable social leper
A insipid creature devoid of garage devoid of any alluring physical attributes
I have a flat featureless body no curves no personality
My eyes are lifeless languid haunted bereft of beauty

I am a ghost a pallid creature that wanders the earth searching forlornly for love
I want to experience the fantastical nirvana of love and sex
Yet i encounter a slew of rejections that slowly break my hope of ever finding love
Men pass me by they look through with their acerbic glares

I have stopped these illusionary dreams of love
Stopped caring about physical appearance stopped taking caring of my body
The depression of the constant rejection from men has begun to kill my soul
Now the hope has evaporated i accept my fate that i am cursed with uncharismatic personality and a repulsive visage to never receive love or the ecstasy of intimate physical pleasure
I am a freak that can only fantasise about love that falling in love only exists in the my consciousness where I dream of meeting a dashing ravishingly beautiful man of my dreams

The Wedding

Had to attend my fathers second wedding
It was torture having to hide my anxiety my severe depression
Forcing a insincere smile on staged photographs
Pretending to be happy for my father pretending to be happy to be alive

The social anxiety i endured was onerous
I disappeared for hours in the toilet shacking twitching breathing heavily
I hid all these deep seated psychological problems from my odious family
I put on a mask of serenity appeared like a sanguine young adult who was happy my father was remarrying

I hated the entire false antiquated spectacle of marriage
Hated that it was set in a choice a edifice of the lies of religion of the promise of eternal bliss
I hate the concept of love finding a soul mate it utter bullshit

The 12 hours of hell putting on a constricting demure dress having strangers gawping at my body
Feeling so judged for my appearance having distant relations judging my odd behaviour
My father has found a new wife after 10 years after my mother committed suicide
He’s forgotten her life abandoned her its as if she was never born he never talk about mother and on the wedding we barely said two words to each other
I pretended to be happy for him really I don’t care I want to be alone to suffer in silence and extricate family from my life forever

Ugly

Ugly on the inside as i am on the outside
Inside I’m gnarled i hate myself
Inside there lurks a darkness that remains unexpressed
A sadness a wound that is slowly killing me

On the outside is a grotesque perversion of a human being
I lack beauty i lack any positive human attribute
I am a social leper discarded by society left to rot on the outskirts of society
I am a creature cursed to be alienated to never have love or happiness in my vacuous life

Ugly as I glare in my cracked dusty mirror
I stare forlornly with my haunted listless eyes
I shudder I shiver in revulsion at this image of a women that is transposed in my mirror
Theres no light no radiating beams of joy only a empty ravaged soul waiting for the sweet emancipation of death

I wander these cobbled ancient streets
I am invisible a phantom ignored by all the luscious photogenic young men
I’m not their to them i am a sexless freak that largely ignored
I see their repulsed eyes on the rare instances I catch their disparaging cold scowls it haunts it makes fell worthless so ugly not human like a subhuman monster not meant to find love

An Evening Of Fear And Loathing Part 3

Out of the shelter of my home I walk at a languid pace. I am traversing on a short journey to the local quaint Italian restaurant where i will meet my date Kyle in the flesh for the first time. Over many months we have incessantly conversed through the medium of twitter tinder and instagram. Now after being entranced by this wondrous vision of a man I’m going to meet him in a quiet Italian restaurant in close proximity to my home. The nerves are shooting round my body i feel that at any moment i might suffer another panic attack. I’m walking at a lethargic pace due to the level of stress that’s circulating round my body. Every footstep as approach the restaurant i can perceive my heart thumping it beating faster and faster. I am diligently trying to control my breathe talking deep breaths trying any methods to assuage the anxiety the fear of a intimate unfamiliar social setting gives me.

I walk at a slow pace i am careful to not arrive at the restaurant before the preplanned time. I want to arrive second but maybe 5 minutes late. The thought of arriving early having the torture of waiting for my date being all alone in m revealing black dress having all these judging prying eyes on me. That terrifies me I’d probably just leave then face the psychological ordeal of being all alone in a intimate restaurant waiting for my date to emerge into my life.

I can make out the agreed upon meeting place its at the end of the street the time says 8 o’clock on my phone. I hope and pray Kyle is there waiting patiently for me to arrive. The dread is building in me like a uncontrollable raging firestorm i have these anxious thoughts of Kyle seeing by emaciated pallid body and viewing my hideous face and walking out in horror. This idea has been ruminating in my damaged consciousness all day since I’ve been meticulously preparing for our date. I walk alone feeling unsafe needing to calm my fears somehow. Every incremental footstep intensifies the fear my legs are filed with concrete i am numb below my waist. Please god let me be fine i repeat in my head as a calming mantra . Then i arrive at my destination i am sweating my hands are shacking profusely stay calm try to maintain a semblance of normality i repeat silently. I enter the terrifying gates of the restaurant i am petrified rendered almost paralysed with the fear the adrenaline the nausea. I am inside the chamber i saunter to the hostess who directs me to my table where my lusciously attired date is awaiting my punctual arrival.

I walk with utter fear in my bones the paranoia the body dysmorphia has become pernicious as am trying to maintain a stoic normal exterior. I cant expose the tumult of anxiety lurking in my anxiety laden psyche. I arrive at my table with my date Kyle adorned in a sky blue long sleeved shirt and he is emitting a seductive aftershave aroma that overpowers my senses. I greet him with my shimmering red lips with a kiss on the cheek. We set down the nerves haven’t subsided its the fear the terminal fear i endure that never relents when I’m out of my safe space.

I sit down feeling incredibly self conscious more than usually in my revealing dress. The conversation is initially awkward as staid despite the incalculable online exchanges we’ve had over the preceding months. I’m trying assiduously to appear as a normal functioning adult not a quivering tightly wind neurotic mess. Kyle conducts the majority of the conversations in his loquacious effusive manner i remain laconic as the anxiety have frozen me up. Kyle is talking about his hopes for the future his dreams his hopes to be a mental health counsellor for the poor and maligned individuals. I’m impressed by his compassion by the kindness that radiates from his body. He isn’t here to flaunt his obvious good looks or to have sex with another women in a meaningless one night stand. Kyle actually cares for somehow beyond all logic finds me physically attractive. He repeatedly compliments my appearance tells me how attractive i am that what a stunning dress I’m wearing.

Despite this the anxiety never relents I’m perpetual in a state of terror attempting to avert a panic attack. The conversion is pleasant with me appearing ebullient in order to mask the pain of my social disorder. Inside is torture on the outside is a calm demeanour i am careful to smile to laugh at Kyle’s jokes. We consume a copious volume of white wine throughout the evening as i drink voraciously to mitigate the anxiety. The ameliorating socially uninhibiting effects of alcohol loosened me up to speak to feel the gushing of emotions from my body. Still the black cloud of anxiety hovered over me the self loathing the horror of being me stained the evening.

I ran making up a variety of excuses to the bathroom when i feared another harrowing panic attack. Escaping to the bathroom breathing heavily finding a modicum of privacy having my nerves satiated with a moment of privacy before I recommenced our date. I enjoyed the date the conversation the exquisite Italian cushiness the delectable wine we devoured but the torturous anxiety negated any pleasure from finally meeting up with Kyle. We ended the date we split the bill according to what we ordered I insisted despite Kyle’s protestations that we pay the bill. In my intoxicated state i was assertive enough to demand i pay my fair share of the bill.

We concluded our time at the restaurant i wanted desperately to be home to be alone despite me wanting to connect physically with Kyle. Kyle asked me vehemently if I wanted to go to a bar to continue the nights festivities i declined even though I was screaming on the inside to get closer to Kyle to carry on socialising with him. He even politely requested if he could walk me home again i declined. I worried that i came across as impolite or aloof or that i was turning down the sexually advances of him. In truth a mere several hours of prolonged social interaction had left me shattered wanting to be alone to be away from people. The fantasy of falling in love of having ecstatic sex with a perfect edifice of masculinity wouldn’t be actualised tonight. The weight the prevalence of my anxiety had precluded me from pursuing a night of pure carnal bliss.

After i politely declined there was a awkward moment of silence before we said our goodbyes. Kyle though in a act of spontaneity held my quivering arms caressed my soft porcelain face with his left hand. He then leaned in and kissed me tenderly on my crimson lips. I felt alive with pleasure the nerves briefly dissipated in that 30 second passionate embrace. We communicated our love for each other then after the kiss Kyle we hugged and said our goodbyes.

I walked home at a frenetic pace wanting the serenity of my room to feel safe. The anxiety now escalated as I walked home as i was alone in the cobbled streets. Walking home almost running the panic the dread the hell of the outside the unfamiliar setting with peopled castigating eyes looking down on me. I want to be in my room listening to soothing mediative music in my red jimjams. After several minutes of sweating i arrive at my private kingdom i enter the doorway run upstairs without saying anything to my housemates. Then i open my room lock the door start crying after the anxiety i then collapse on my bed and curl up in a fetal position. Its hell its torture i we’ll never escape my anxiety disorder. I can never accept another date from Kyle even despite his many charms his warm effusive gregarious personality. The dream of love of happiness of anything that resembles a normal life will remain a fantasy that only exists in my overreactive imagination