Chapter 3 Teenage Alienation

As i progressed into adolescence i was cognisant that i began to change as a person. Transforming in many positive aspects in my self confidence in my ambitions for the future. Benefiting from the atmosphere that was fostered in my secondary school education. It was a environment where you could thrive where intellectual curiosity was nurtured. For the first time at school i was valued i was infused with a passion for learning. There opened up this world of opportunity of promise out there for me to explore.

At primary school i was stifled i was stultified by the education system. The stricter unimaginative teaching methods was something I’d never benefit from. The fact at school i struggled verbally that i was painfully shy lacking in any confidence whatsoever. The long shadow of emotional and social impairment had faded from my memory. Now i become a flower blooming thriving in this intellectual stimulating milieu of secondary school education.

Began to have these grand dreams these illusions of my future. Whereas before my sense of worthlessness had left me believing I’d grew up to be a nothing man to be a pathetic waste of a man. The alienation subsided to a period of unbridled optimism. I had these visions of my future of wild adventures of breaking free from my hometown. A life of more than traversing to a meaningless dead end soul destroying job 9 till 5 job. A life I envisioned that was filled with interesting charismatic individuals. I dreamed of entering a vocation that allowed me to grow to flourish as a person. Even as a teenager i had desires for leaving for leaving my desolate hometown. Constantly fantasising about being a musician about being famous being a individual who made a significant impact on the world on humanity.

In Mayberry in this suffocating ambience of poverty of mind numbing labour opportunities my dreams my would never be actualised in this environment. I knew that i had to escape the walls of this town. That I had to endeavour to work tremendously hard at school. To benefit from incessant studying by attaining access to university education. A university that would give me the passage towards a more economically and spiritually prosperous existence. At my secondary school this idealised future seemed a plausible attainable reality. Before i was paralysed with self doubt in my lack of belief in my own intellect. The childhood scars of my own behavioural and social impairment existed for the remainder of my primary education.

As a teenager i was still deeply inhabited with a lack of confidence socially. I was still this profoundly introverted person who struggled to articulate himself emotionally to people. I wasn’t progressing in my limited social skills but i was flourishing in my school studies. Whereas at primary school i was categorised as a substandard pupil. Now in the ameliorating climate of the secondary school i advanced to the top stratosphere in the majority of subjects. Now going to school i actually enjoyed learning meeting new people being introduced to new ideas new intellectual pursuits. This door towards a brighter more illuminating future had been opened up.

Despite all these advancements i was having still i remained this isolated lonely teenager. I was liberated from the stagnation of primary school however wasn’t altering in my detrimental inability to convey myself emotionally. I forged new friendships at school but still struggled in the majority of social situations. The anxiety the terse conversational style still persisted in my personality. Rather than casting away these negative traits in my early adolescence these character traits had become solidified in my character. The idiosyncrasies that suggested that i might be suffering from a pathological personality disorder weren’t diminishing. The social aloofness the poor verbal dexterity were all prevalent in my developing psyche. I still drifted into a elaborate fantasy world to cope with the daily ordeals of my isolation my teenage melancholia. However now i began to conceive of a future were my dreams could be realised. Always knew I’d never be this charismatic extroverted person that existed in my inner dreamworld. I could through be somebody more that a lonely nothing man. I could conceive of a future where i could fall on love that i was capable of happiness. I envisioned a life of travel of adventure of endless exploration all these were now in the sanguine light of my adolescence distinct possibilities.

As a teenager is still yearned to break free to be different to end the alienation i endured every day. Still was trapped inside my head having this overwhelming weight i was desperate to confide in another acquaintance. Nonetheless remained a outsider a teenager who saw himself marginalised separated from mainstream society. Continued to labour in forming new meaningful poignant relationships. The friends i had at secondary school were generally the same circle of friends I maintained from primary school. Never really fostering new friends at secondary school they were peers i conversed with who i had superficial shallow interactions with. These weren’t long lasting emotionally beneficial relationships. Also during my formative teenage years i rarely socialised outside of school. Occasionally playing football with my minuscule circle of friends from primary school. On rare occurrences I’d invite a friend to spend the night these were extremely rare events in my sparse social calendar.

After school I would spend extensive periods in the private isolation chamber of my bedroom. Disappearing after school into the enticing alluring fantasy world of video pages immersing myself into virtual reality indulgences. Submerging myself away from the world into protracted isolated states. This is the antisocial pattern i perpetuated from childhood that temporarily relieved my anxiety by inhaling the oxygen of solitude. The normalised routine on schooldays was coming home from school walking alone as i lived a different region of town than my school comrades. When i arrived home I’d vanish upstairs to my fortress of solitude disappearing into the seductive universe of video games. Losing myself in music in celebrated world of literature. In these hermit pusrsuits i could escape the harsh reality of being me of being this painfully inrtoverted. Losing myself in fantasy in daydreaming of escaping this forsaken town which felt like extricating myself from a prison. Seldom would i leave my isolation cell other than to eat with my family. Remaining locked inside my cave working diligently night after night on my studies. Desperately wanting to vacate Mayberry forever, this town was so oppressive i felt it slowly crushing my tender spirit living in a world without colour. A world of boredom a harsh brutal life would await me if I remained ensconced here as a adult. Therefore i was steadfastly determined to obtain exemplary grades giving me access to a prominent university education and a pathway towards a alleviated existence. I understood even as a teenager there even basic attributes i lacked. My inadequate social prowess a factor which was going to adversely affect the quality of my adult life.

There were areas subjects I excelled at subjects such as mathematics science and English literature i had demonstrated great proficiency and curiosity towards. There were other subjects such as music which provided me with immense pleasure. Listening to music enabled me to endure the struggles of being this way. Music was a avenue of creativity i discovered when i listened and played various musical instruments. Providing me with a outlet allowing myself to express my pain. The release of repressed emotions the ability to connect with other people through playing and listening to music. I had a aptitude for music had mastered the guitar and piano to become a accomplished player of these alluring musical instruments. Playing music allowing my creativity to flourish gave me fantastical dreams of becoming this charismatic rock star. I would let my imagination run free with flight of fancy about being a rock star being admired by millions of adoring fans having a profound connection to millions of admirers. Music i ascertained was a beneficial outlet were all by crippling inhibitions all my anxiety all this sadness buried deep inside me could me released. These were my passions the venues of learning where I sought to better myself. The love I possessed foot music the inclination for the subjects of mathematics and sciences is how i would liberate myself from this town. I could circumvent the trappings of poverty of a life of menial subsistence labour with vigorously committing to my studies.

As I entered adolescence my relationship with my immediate family began to change it began to deteriorate. When i was a child i was relatively close there was a intimate bond to my family. Now i became detached aloof from my family especially from my mother and father. The relationship with my father since i enrolled in my primary school had become very disconnected. We struggled to compose meaningful conversations. My father like myself could never be characterised as loquacious conversations between us often were staid and uncomfortable. We would converse in facile superficial topics such as football or the weather but never engage in deep intimate conversations. My fathers withdrawn shy nature precluded him from enquiring about how i was doing of where i envisioned my future as i progressed into adulthood. I on my part made no real endeavour to improve our emotionally glacial relationship. Hence we rarely saw each other I disappeared to my protracted states of solitude when i was at home. Only seeing my father when we would watch television like a normal nuclear family. The conversations were succinct with laconic remarks on the televisual program we were observing. I desperately wanted a considerably more healthy interconnection with my father wanting to break through the ice. Having a real moment where we connected was so elusive so incredibly unlikely considering our introverted personalities. We were doomed to have this estranged distant rapport. I can never recall a moment of physical embrace a hug a declaration of love between us. Displays of affection were antithetical to my fathers austere cold nature. I wanted yearned for a solitary act of paternal affection I’m convinced it would help to nullify all the alienation all the depression i tolerated as a teenager and adult. The hugs never came so i grew accustomed to the coldness normalising it. As i grew older i withdraw further and further away from my father to the point it was a broken relationship devoid of any real intimacy.

My relationship with my father was never close yet as i commenced the tumult of my adolescence I drifted apart from my mother. We were once bonded together in a healthy place. The displays of maternal affection were common in the early stages of my childhood. It was a attachment that allowed me to survive the pains of my existence. It became a shelter for my many interpersonal relationship issues. Struggling since i was a infant to establish meaningful friendships which left a gapping chasm in my soul that was filled with my mothers infinite love. The need for validation for acceptance which i never received from the world from my school peers i obtained from the warm bosom of my mothers love. As i began to alter as i person in my teenage years i began to disassociate from mother. The intimacy had slowly vanished as i exhibited abnormal schizoid like behaviour. At the time I understood this as normal behaviour wanting to establish a modicum of independence to break free from the confines of family to become a autonomous person. It’s perfectly normal and healthy to have a separate independent life from your matriarch.

However becoming so withdrawn and uncommunicative around my family members were the warning signs of a antisocial personality disorder. Just like my relationship with my father i never articulated my emotional problems with my mother. Becoming to my family a aloof stand offish person who sequestered himself from daily family life. As I grew older i developed a familiar pattern of behaviour where i secluded myself from my parents. It was a routine of avoiding human contact preferring to lock myself away from the the warmth of family. Living in isolation away from humanity even as a teenager i despised being around people even people i was related to. I was beginning to regress further inwards into a socially withdrawn lifestyle. It started with my immediate family with my sister. These genetic relationships had lost there allure there meaning

My sister Racheal throughout my problematic childhood remained close to me. She was akin a close friend we had a profound bind that went beyond being related. In my really childhood trauma with being characterised as being abnormal my interconnection with Racheal was instrumental in facilitating being integrated in mainstream society with children my own age. She provided me with a buffer to assuage my social anxieties enabling me to forge friendships. More than my mother my sister made me feel like a human like i mattered instead of this deformed alien creature. Having the radiating glow of her kinship allowed me to escape the confines of my metaphorical prison allowing me to view childhood with colour with hope with promise for the future. As mentioned previously my sister had a contrasting personality type to me. Whereas i was deeply introverted Racheal was a loquacious extrovert who enjoyed immensely socialising with her classmates.

I can see the beginnings of my detrimental behaviour in pushing my sister away from me in once again disassociating myself from a indispensable relationship. As we became adolescents we detached from each other. I disappearing to my fortress of solitude having infrequent conversations with Racheal. Pulling myself from people who i cared for pushing away family members who genuinely love me who showered me with affection was the beginnings of my disorder. I resisted getting close to any family member needing badly to be alone. Even though my sister went to the same school as myself and was of a similar age we had been reduced to virtual strangers at secondary school. On the sporadic occasions we did partake in conversations it was usually robotic formal verbal exchanges between us. At the time i didn’t deduce this behaviour to be peculiar or the preliminary signs of a life long disorder which would severely affect the quality of my finite existence. At the time and now i am immensely sad about how we lost each other how the intimacy was lost. How through my taciturn manner this beautiful kinship lost its warmth lost its affection.

My teenage years were marred by a profound sense of alienation from society from my family. I felt vehemently this sensation of being exiled from society seeing myself as a other as a alien freak in a world of beautiful photogenic humans. Over the course of my childhood enduring intense feeling of self loathing of feeling worthless. Now through my teenage eyes the genesis of suicidal depression took root in my atypical consciousness. The feeling of being analogous to a lost soul travelling the desert searching for water to stay alive searching desperately for salvation from the terminal loneliness. At primary school in my pre-pubescent years i never had depression their was a all encompassing melancholy that never left me. However this pervasive sadness had metastasised into dark thoughts of suicide. Constantly over the duration of my adolescence i would ruminate about the possibility of killing myself. It became normal in my damaged mind to have wishes to die to want to cease being a sentient breathing being. Never did i articulate divulge these dark inner thoughts to another soul. I buried this depression repressing these emotions the emotional torment was never to be conveyed to anybody ever. From the onset of my teenage desolation i buried the pain made a secret pact to never verbalise my emotions to remain lost alone in the darkness of being me of being alive in this cruel world.

Wishing now I could have taken a alternative path that i would seek help to proclaim my pain to anybody. Wishing with deep regret that i would utter my emotional problems to a friend to a relative to a professional psychologist. Instead i took the pernicious decision to numb myself to these negative emotions to never adequately address the inner tumult. I became numb retreating inwards away from society from human contact sequestering into the serenity of a private world. This was the inception of my personality disorder. The silence the impossibility of connecting my pain with a friend. There was nobody out there who i believed would have the humanity the compassion to be interested in my suicidal predilections.

The world the school environment seemed a cold indifferent place. To survive to function i had to force myself to be emotional stunted to anaesthetise myself to protracted clinical depression. The idea of talking to my guardians to a teacher the depths of depression i had sunken into was utterly terrifying. It’s was completely alien to be that emotionally vulnerable to be honest. It was easier to adopt a mask of aloofness to never grew to never become emotional literate remaining this underdeveloped person. Despite my apparent detachment from my depression from this black cancer living inside me i still had perennial thoughts of suicide. I deliberated in my defective adolescent mind the most effective pain free method of suicide. I hypothesised about suicide in a meticulous rigorous manner thinking about all the methods of ending my life. Thinking about every minuscule detail of suicide wether i would leave a final suicide note. In reflection i had decided to become a ghost a memory by consuming a large dosage of pills which i surmised would surely kill me. Didn’t want to leave a predictable note or suicidal lament wanting to remain enigmatic and secretive even in death. I had these sick fantasies of my funeral. Envisioning relatives friends morning my death dressed in stereotypical funeral garb. In death my life would have meaning i would have a momentary moment of notoriety in a tragic successful suicide attempt. I was cognisant these were sick twisted thoughts were evidence that I wasn’t right in the head. I was fully aware i had a severe untreated mental illness that drastically needed treatment through speaking to a psychiatrist and taking anti depressant medications which would alleviate these life threatening bouts of depression.

In the black dog of depression i was completely alone with nobody to be a witness to my unbearable pain. The pain just existed in the recesses of my damaged mind like a cancer growing infected my entire body. The dark fatalistic fantasies remained prevalent in my daily thoughts the demons found no useful outlet. The depression remained repressed just negatively affecting by sparse social life my ability to form romantic relationship. The relentless unending depression was a major factor why I enjoyed being alone being without human company. Having a barren social life never asking or arranging to meet up with friends.

I did have a intimate circle of friends despite my severely limited social abilities i managed to cultivate and maintain these enduring friendships. These acquaintances were individuals i was acquainted with from early on in my primary school tenure. I had no real acquaintances outside of the enclave of the school environment. Never congregating with teenagers in my local neighbourhood. These were signs of the adult life i would lead. A lack of proclivity for socialising with strangers opting to be cloistered inside my own personal monastery of solitude. On the seldom occasions i came across other teenagers outside of the school milieu i ignored them never allowing myself to become friendly to become attached or acquainted with these strange teenagers. I kept myself to myself restraining a small tribe of lifelong school companions. Can still recollect the names of my longstanding teenage friendships.

There was James Gallagher who i knew from the preliminary stages of my primary school education. James was a tall slender adolescent with a great sense of style. I admired him for his photogenic looks for his effortless self confidence. I had known James from the age of 5. We were close friends James and i were friendly when i was misdiagnosed with childhood autism. He knew me from my darkest loneliest childhood days. He was one of my first friendships i manage to cultivate in spite of my maladroit personality. It was a truly meaningful friendship that enabled me to build a semblance of self confidence. This friendship empowered me to become a functional member of society. It was a enduring friendship built upon glorious joyous memories and shared leisure pursuits. A companionship forged on mutual tastes in music on a identical sense of humour. I envied James for his gregarious effusive personality for his wry sense of humour. Envied him for his adroit manner with the opposite sex. I wish I could converse with women with the ease without the panic inducing anxiety I had to endure in my angst ridden teenage character.

Another abiding school friend was Steve mcnulty. I had been acquainted with Steve since the age of 7 when serendipitously we were placed in the same class. Just like James this was a immensely beneficial friendship which allowed me to feel like a normal human. The early childhood alienation and conversational difficulties has dissipated as a consequence of these vital ameliorating childhood friendships. Steve was different in terms of his physicality than James being considerably more stocky in his build. Like James was loquacious in unfamiliar social situations was able to interact with fluency with strangers. As a socially precocious teenager he carried on his gregarious nature freely talking to women without reluctance a quality i envied tremendously. He had a bounty of girlfriends throughout his secondary school education. Indeed women found him attractive he had a effusive charming personality that women found alluring. I on the other hand was doomed to never possess this qualities i barely spoke to women i was physically attracted to. Wanting to be transformed into this effusive charismatic extrovert who could seduce women. Inside i was locked inside the walls of my crippling shyness. Cursed to never break my inhibitions to never conquer the barriers of my damaged personality. Even though I envied my friends proficient interpersonal abilities never did i resent them. I had deep admiration for their verbal lucidity their emotional competency around attractive women i revered these captivating traits.

The individual who became my closest companion during my duration at secondary school was Jonathan smith. We were distant friends throughout our time in primary school where never becoming close chums. Jonathan was a peripheral figure at my primary school as a result as being in a different close throughout the duration of my tenure at primary school. In the first year at my secondary education establishment we were brought together by fate in the same class. He became my undeniable best friend as a consequence of being placed in close proximity to each other. We developed in a short time this intimate beautiful friendship. Having this trusted close companion help to assuage my social anxiety. Jonathan was markedly dissimilar to me in his character and in terms of his physicality. Physically he could described as overweight with a corpulent physique. Despite his bulky physical frame Jonathan was a vastly popular figure at secondary school. Other classmates ensued his amicable charming extroverted personality. Having him as a friend allowed me to function in the uncomfortable atmosphere of the classroom. Jonathan with his curly auburn hair with his freckled face with his idolisation of indie music was a significant figure in my formative teenage years. I have hypothesised in my mind that this friendship helped to offset my emotional my psychological issues until early adulthood. I was still painfully shy but i had these salutary friendships where we partook in normal teenage pursuits. Jonathan introduced me to the serene hobby of fishing. He intiated me into this tranquil pastime where i felt this appreciation for the beauty of nature. These various activities i experienced that i was begrudgingly encouraged to participate in allowed myself to have a ostensibly normal teenage hood.

Still though i only had a minuscule clique of friends i struggled to foster relationships outside of this clique. In the school holidays i found myself retreating inwards into this hermit existence. Having a vacuum of a social life never having the impetus to call one of my friends relaying on my extroverted chums to contact me and arrange a meeting. When i was on a vacation from school I neglected friendships i concealed myself in my enclave separated from human contact. It’s the same antisocial pattern of behaviour I’ve maintained in my adult life only the level of isolation and need for solitude has exacerbated.

It was not only the area of establishing friendship i laboured with but it was meeting relating to girls i struggled with. I was severely hampered with my severe anxiety that impaired my ability to connect with women. Hence I barely spoke to other girls at school. Girls i found sexually attractive i froze up on the inside becoming inarticulate never being able to convey my emotions my pent up desires. Never being able to break the ice form a connection with a heavenly nymph. I had all this emotion all these repressed desires all these fervid hormones swirling round my body desperate to be released. Around women i was utterly pathetic so overwhelmed by these fantasies of sex by the fantastical possibility of a romantic relationship. Therefore i struggled to interact to forge a romantic or sexual relationship with women that could lead to profound levels of intimacy or the utopia of falling in love. To achieve the dream of love i had to be a alternative personality type. To have a girlfriend achieve the wonders bounty of love and sex i needed to cast away this aloof shy emotionless persona and become a charismatic garrulous teenager. That was never going to happen i was doomed to be imprisoned inside the cage of this inhibiting impairing personality disorder. Throughout my teenage years i was unable to lose my virginity was never had a girlfriend. To have a girlfriend you need to be confident outgoing and emotionally available you require all these positive attributes. Never did i go on a date never had the fortitude to ask a winsome beauty out on a rendezvous. That idea of spending an entire evening with a enchanting women having to be charming engage in interesting conversation was utterly terrifying. The dearth of self confidence the deficient social graces precluded me form having these vital enriching adolescent experiences. Not only i never had sex a date never did i participate in a kiss. Never touching my tender lips against another human in a physical manifestation of love never to feel truly alive to be validated as a sexual being. This was the asocial behaviour where I refrained from engaging in carnal pleasures this cycle of behaviour would persist over the duration of my sad pathetic life. It was a life where human contact was lacking where i seldom communicated warmth or a modicum of sexual interest towards anybody. A subsistence where i was cast out by society due to my inability to connect emotionally. Women ignored me i had these perceptions of deep rooted inadequacy and self loathing that intensified through the alienation and constant rejection.

I supplemented the dearth of human contact by consuming soft core pornography and indulging in the glorious pursuit of self love. In masturbation i could fulfil my wildest fantasies i lost myself in vivid daydreaming of engaging in sublime acts of sexual congress. Just like my proclivity for existing in a intricate fantasy world where i lived through alter ego character in consuming pornography in self gratification i could satisfy my unfulfilled sexual and romantic desires. In my heart i became cognisant sex and romance were going to be allusive pleasure for me. Due to my severely handicapped verbal skills and inability to find emotional intimacy i was destined to have a sporadic sex life with protracted periods of celibacy

As i was a teenager as i started having sexual desires I began having real doubts about my sexual orientation. As i was a abject failure around women i developed these amorous feelings for other men. I was confused what my sexual identity was not knowing if i was heterosexual or bisexual or queer. I posited this was a reaction to women showing no interest in my unappealing homely appearance. As a young man i found it considerably more comfortable conversing with men. With women there was this heightened anxiety around men i found myself more lucid able to be more engaging in social interaction. I started watching the occasional video of gays porn i would pleasure myself to alluring images of attractive men. I was experimenting in private not knowing for sure my exact sexual orientation. Even after indulging in vast quantities of gay porn i believed I wasn’t gay. Continued to find myself attracted to females and had illusions of falling in love with a goddess. When I’d fantasise of being in love invariably it was a women rarely a man would appear in my elaborate sexual imaginations. These sexual inclinations for en i kept hidden in the tombs of my mind never revealing it to another soul. Homosexuality was still a taboo subject even in the early 21st century. To come out as gay would require immense courage. Taking a audacious act in admitting to my sexual identity would force me to be unguarded. Force me to become a diametrically opposed personality to be open person instead of this secretive loner.

My formative teenage years laid the foundation for how i lived the rest of my life. The detrimental behaviour the aloofness the tendency for long phases of isolation. The compensating for my sparse social life and ineptness in fostering friendships with losing myself in a rich virtual life. A fantasy world which allowed me to be emancipated from the shackles of my social inertia. My teenage years had a veneer of normality with myself retaining genuine meaningful friendships. I had a life where at times i felt normal still though i was tortured by feeling so alienated by a physical dysmorphia that made me feel like a alien freak not a beautiful human being. I viewed myself as a alien unable to process to elucidate normal human emotions. That certain fundamental human experiences i was prohibited from partake in. It’s obvious with my abnormal behavioural tendencies the signs were that that i had this personality disorder. Never had a singular sexual relationship never divulged you deepest emotions never revealed my sexual desires. Kept a secret my battle with depression never confiding with anybody my suicidal impulses. Back then i still harboured illusions of having a normal functional adult life. I understood I was going to struggle in unfamiliar social situations struggle to formulate new acquaintances. Still had these vast ambitions to travel the globe to better myself intellectually to leave the confines of this bleak English town. Having fantasies to enrol in a prestigious university to study in the fields of English or humanities. Envisions this future where i could become a successful musician who had emotional catharsis via the creation and performance of music.

The depths of their disorder for now i was largely ignorant of. I was blind to how this pathological disorder would adversely affect my social life my vocational prospects the general quality of my life.

Chapter 2 My Seemingly Normal Childhood

I was born in the autumn of 1984 in a working class northern town in England. Birthed into this world in the town of Mayberry raised by two normal parents. Their names were Sarah and David Harratt they named me Patrick. It was a stereotypical rundown humdrum derelict working class town that had suffered the devastating effects of de-industrialisation of mass unemployment. A urban landscape where grass never grew where dreams were crushed under the suffocating atmosphere of endemic poverty of my hometown.

A town where the citizens were trapped in a endless loop of tedious low paying dead end employment. This was a town in which dreamers people who aspired to achieve anything in life fled to fulfil their dreams. No hope no real life no excitement would reside in this rat trap of a town.

Even as a child i was struck by the lack of beauty the absence of colour of vibrancy that existed in Mayberry. The landscape was permeated with a bleakness with images of grey, black and brown streets. There was black cobbled streets with empty factories. Which once were filled with bustling thriving industry now these factories laid empty ruined. There was a atmosphere of sadness that ran through the town. Industry had died to be replaced by warehouses thriving prosperous industry employment superseded with meaningless low skilled minimum wage labour.

The death of vibrant factory industry factory industry gave way to poverty to desperation to alcoholism to rampant drug addiction. This is the land the atmosphere i derived from. The town of Mayberry was a microcosm of industrialised town and cities across 1980’s Britain. With mass unemployment fading failing industries to be replaced service job with meagre pay. These were the harsh conditions that surrounded my childhood. Despite the endemic poverty my parents weren’t poor more like lower middle class.

My mother Sarah was a qualified hairdresser working in a salon earning a responsible living. It wasn’t the usual paltry wages you would be expected to earn in a factory. Working as a hairdresser afforded my mum a more prosperous lifestyle. The conditions of a hair salon were considerably more favourable and sociable. Where the conditions the agreeable atmosphere was far removed from the stress from the tumult of factory life.

My father like my mother had liberated himself from the struggle from the grind of factory and warehouse labour. For all of his life he had worked as a plumber earning a respectable living. It was a occupation which afforded him to escape the uncertainty the economic austerity of being employed in a factory. My family consequently weren’t poor trapped in poverty like other families. We had a more comfortable existence never had to endure the adversity of living paycheck to paycheck or bein unemployed.

These were the economic conditions that my parents extracted themselves from. Rising above the trappings of poverty of endless economic struggle to a relatively well off lower middle class life. They escaped the estates the council houses moving away from the impoverished area of town. Owning property in the affluent suburbs away from the rough area of town.

My parents when i was born were two people who loved each other greatly. Having me when they were in their early twenties. I was their first mistake an unanticipated pregnancy yet they loved me abundantly throughout my childhood. My mother Sarah was a warm extrovert who exuded a love of life. She was a gregarious character, loving the social occasion. All of her life had a great capacity for forming friendships. She was vastly different to my introverted reclusive emotionally robotic personality. She had immense warmth people found her amicable generally enjoying her friendly countenance. She was considered attractive often changing her hair colour, routinely altering her physical look out of a deep need to remain a attractive. Despite her confident demeanour and outgoing persona Sarah regularly dealt with severe bouts of depression. Also in contrast to her open nature my mum kept these feelings hidden struggling to cope with the black dog of depression. Unlike myself she was able to unburden herself seeing a qualified professional. My mother had the fortitude had the emotional intelligence to address her prolonged states of depression. I on the other hand never had the courage being too emotionally repressed too damaged to ever divulge my emotional problems to a paid therapist or counsellor. This was my mother a open hearted emotionally accessible individual who was the epitome of maternal love who protected and loved her children. A emotionally damaged soul who struggled through life. Who had intermittent bouts of depression a trait i inherited from her. I didn’t inherit the emotional transparency of social lucidity but the melancholy the protracted periods of desolation. I wish i could be like my mother enjoy people enjoy humanity enjoy existing outside of my self imposed solitary confinement that is my life.

My father had a almost diametrically opposed personality type to my mother. He was a shy introvert almost withdrawn with a sparse circle of friends. My father David is nowhere near as introverted or emotionally glacial as me. He did though share my inability to express his emotions to people he felt an affinity towards. He was born into a poor working class family where you had to work in the suffocating factory to support the family. He was nourished in this grim environment where you worked a hard job to make ends meet. You never expressed your deep feelings keeping your lips stiff remaining emotionally repressed. Never was it acceptable for a man to be vociferous with his worries or inner torments. My father as previously mentioned through ambition and a staunch desire to escape the humdrum the oppression of working in a stifling factory setting trained to be a plumber. He escaped that life which to him was akin to being a prisoner or a indentured servant to the proprietor of the factory. Getting a trade as a plumber afforded my father a reasonable living. It was a liberation from the hardships of endless poverty, from the toxic work that gradually erodes all the hope all the light from you. He prospered in the lack of routine in being emancipated from the angst of the 9 till 5 monotonous schedule. By having the ambition the intelligence to pursue a plumber apprentice it meant he was elevated from the bleak prospect of subsisting on starvation wages to a more affluent vocation.

As i said previously my father David personality was in stark contrast to my mothers lively extroverted disposition. He was a shy introvert who struggled to ventilate his emotions especially to me. Striving with tremendous adversity to formulate friendships outside of his intimate group of lifelong friends. In many social situations when he was surrounded by strangers in unfamiliar company he appeared incongruous with an air of awkwardness. Still around his acquaintances he was lively dispensing with the austere countenance the aloofness he adopted around strangers. Around the warmth of friends there was a different person a fun loving convivial soul. My father could be funny with a dry sardonic wit capable of biting remarks. Around lifelong friends he exhibited warmth which he found tremendously difficult when meeting strangers.

David met my mother Sarah in the early 80’s it was the serendipitous meeting of two contrasting personalities. My mother this sociable women who exuded a effusive spirit and loved people. My father was this quiet shy soul who had friends but struggled around unfamiliar company. Yet these antithetical personalities connected physically and spiritually. It was amazing they connected they seemed not right for each other on the surface. The bond of love and friendship that was cultivated in a short period of time would endure for a lifetime. It was a relationship that faded slightly through the ravages of time but in the beginning in the initial period of marriage was a glorious alliance of love. Love, marriage and children that were harvested in a difficult conditions where this poverty and mass unemployment. My parents had the fortitude to go into vocations which weren’t dead end soul destroying jobs. Even a hairdresser a service sector job which paid a sufficient wage was elevation from menial labour. My father working away from the manacles of the factory giving a strong foundation for his children. Increasing opportunity for his offspring being away from the council estates into the middle class suburbs of Mayberry.

In autumn of 1984 was when David and Sarah brought myself into the world. I was a unexpected arrival a unplanned mistake. Yet in my early years I was showered with affection with love especially from my mother. At that point i had the semblance of normality of being a fully functional toddler with no abnormal behavioural issues. A few years after i was born my parents had another child a sister they called her Racheal. Racheal only 2 years my junior so for the majority of my childhood it was a close bond. We were more like close friends than brother and sister. Having a sister enabled me to mask my personality imperfections allowing me to connect to someone close to my age. It’s was a kinship based on bonds of blood and genuine friendship. My sister unlike myself was a extrovert who displayed confidence in social situations. Whereas i was a slow developer in my cognitive development. Taking longer to learn to walk to talk my sister was more agile in her early development as a infant. My stunted development was a symptomatic of my deficient interpersonal intelligence rather than a indication of a stunted intelligence My sister was more verbally dexterous and was more proficient in unfamiliar social situations. Still there was no indications up to this point of my dysfunctional nature

It wasn’t until i enrolled in primary school at the age of 5 when my parents and teachers viewed me as anything other than a normal socially adept child. When i began to go to school my social shortcomings my inept verbal skills became apparent. Teachers started to notice how uncommunicative how antisocial i was. How I barely spoke had difficulty in interacting with my fellow classmates. Struggling to forge any friendships i became this adrift aloof socially marginalised child. Now the genesis of my personality defects started to be exposed to the world. As teachers were concerned at my abnormal behaviour believing i had signs of learning difficulties or that i was severely impaired socially. As a 5 year old i was therefore suspected of being autistic or that i was on the autistic spectrum. Was never professional diagnosed by a child psychologist but was required to have a special needs teacher. A teacher appointed to assist me with my limited communication aptitude. The teacher did help me to formulate responses in unfamiliar anxiety inducing social scenarios.

Being suspected of being on the autistic spectrum left me with lasting emotional scars. From this moment on i would forever regard myself as a outsider a socially marginalised figure. Needing a verbal coach left me feeling this sense of separation this deep rooted alienation from my peers. Before being required to see a special needs teacher i can recall seeing myself as a normal child having normal reactions existing in a realm of normality. From onwards seeing a vocal teacher who helped with my stunted behavioural problems i was uprooted from the classroom once or twice a week. This professional hoped to train me to converse like a normal child to learn to function with some semblance of normality. This period of being mandated a elocution teacher was intensely emotionally scaring permanently damaging how i perceived myself how i related to other people. It’s when i began to have these dark impressions of myself. Started to truly hate myself to have regard myself as a other a alien. From my early misdiagnosis of autism i struggled to connect adequately with my fellow classmates. Attempting with great adversity to form friendships. However being taken away branded as a social freak in mr preliminary school education left with wounds that would never heal. The school my parents tried diligently to help me to adjust to school to ameliorate my limited personality.

In hindsight i believe that I was clearly misdiagnosed as bring autistic. It was undeniable i exhibited symptoms characteristics that could be attributed to somebody impeded with being autistic. In reality i was abnormal child who had a atypical personality who was showing the first signs of a pathological personality disorder. The initial indicators of being schizoid were apparent with the terse laconic conversational patterns. The inability to foster meaningful friendships, the apathy towards other humans problems. The almost robotic restricted range of emotions having a reluctance a reticence to display my inner feelings. The habit of spending hours alone separated from other humans. Even as a small 5 year old child having this inclination for isolation for disappearing into my imagination. As a child having this proclivity of hours upon hours being engrossed with my toys with my cars fantasising about being a racing driver being somebody not encumbered with a defective introverted personality. Escaping into fantasy this vast alternative reality I existed in. Daydreaming a method of liberating of escaping the reality of being me. In the universe of fantasy I could exist vicariously thorough various alter ego figures. In fantasy embarking on exciting adventures escaping the humdrum of life in Mayberry. Breaking out of the chains of the prison walls of being this way. Being a pirate being a astronaut going on glorious expeditions to unexplored worlds. This vivid fantasising was a manifestation of my desires of the person the life i aspired to have. This confident charismatic extrovert who traversed the globe who was absolutely free living a life with no limitations. A individual who could connect with people with ease who lived with no walls no bars no restrictions from his internal neurosis. I always had this propensity this aversion from indulging in genuine human interaction by escaping to a isolated fantasy world. The fact was at this moment my fantasy escapades were just a part of a overreactive imagination. I think at the time it wasn’t anything unusual it was something a plurality of children escape into vivid daydreaming. Especially shy children who struggle to create friendships in their formative years. The fantasising was though the beginning of my condition which would fully escalate into a severe disorder in early adulthood.

At school though i stopped having the special needs help. The verbal training enabled to advance my stunted linguistic skills. After several years i become a seemingly normal child despite my peculiar habits. Was able to cultivate friendships to break free from my verbal and emotional paralysis. As i entered school i felt a modicum of normality despite my imbedded feelings sense of worthlessness and alienation. Became a ordinary schoolchild who wasn’t seen as particularly odd just a quiet laconic shy child. The experience being separated being branded abnormal with negative perceptions of myself which would endure throughout my life. Having this loneliness at the time this deep need to hide away to escape the environment that surrounded me. Always feeling like a alien creature like I wasn’t truly a human being who didn’t belong in this world. I can recall having dark envisions of my bleak adulthood that I’d be completely alone unhappy struggling to adapt in a cold cruel ecosystem. Envisioning that I’d be a loser with not friends in a dead end job unfortunately this dark prophecy came true.

Other people didn’t regard me as weird seeing me as normal despite my social deficiencies. The reality of my childhood was that i had a limited capacity for genuine emotional expression experiencing life without colour viewing the world through a black and white emotional spectrum. There were all these colours all these suppressed emotions crying to get out locked inside my emotionally constipated mind. Yes i was able to function to equip myself at school to become a balanced functional schoolchild. Breaking free from the verbal muteness from the dysfunctional behaviour learning to appear sane to put on a mask of normality. I drifted through my tenure at primary school being a standard average schoolmate never excelling. I would socialise with my classmates outside the realm of the classroom being invited to birthday parties. Partaking in ordinary childhood social events giving me a facade of normality. Managing to improve my behaviour to be accepted within a circle of friends finding these feelings off self loathing dissipated somewhat.

My relationship with my mother and father as previously mentioned had the appearance of normalcy. My mother was this figure of warmth and compassion. She was their for me recognising my faults pushing me vociferously to get help for my conversational problems. With my attachment to my mother I felt human sensing i mattered in this world. It was this emotional blanket this shelter that alleviated my anxieties my abnormal habits. Indeed family life was at this crucial time in my development a source of comfort. In the family enclave i was showered with love with kindness. At this point in my childhood my mother and father were in a healthy happy relationship.

My relationship with my father throughout my life was a strained one. He did love though foiund it a immemsly onerous task to display any emotion. There was love there was random acts of kindness however it was a austere love not built on spontaneous acts of physical affection or encouragement. As I entered school and began to exhibit abnormal behaviour struggling to adapt to this new environment my father didn’t know how to respond to my social maladroitness. Our relationship as i was misdiagnosed with suffering from childhood autism became emotionally detached. As i was encumbered with my limited social skills my inability to express myself emotionally my father with his introverted withdrawn character found it impossible to connect with me to comprehend what i was going through.

At the inception of my primary education was the genesis of my detached relationship with my father. From this moment onwards we had this cold unaffectionate relationship. I understood he loved me even with his cold aloof emotionally repressed nature. He was somebody who was a incredibly old fashioned men a product of a time when British men never divulged their feelings. Where it was socially unacceptable to cry to appear emotionally vulnerable to other men. He was a old fashioned personality type totally unequipped in dealing with somebody with abnormal personality. He did love me but was precluded from expressing his feelings for me with his stereotypical english emotionally repressed austere comportment.

My childhood was a childhood of relative happiness permeated with copious happy memories despite my melancholic view of myself. Memories of great days out enjoyable holidays at home and foreign exotic destinations. Holidays where I didn’t perceive myself as a social outcast but found myself as another ordinary child being imbued with the wonder the beauty of being alive as a infant. It was with my family dynamic where i would discover order where there was assuagement from the external struggles i faced mainly at school.

The ameliorating relationship with my amiable sister allowed me to cope with the hardships i endured. My sister Rachel was a only a few years my junior therefore we were able to relate being of a similar age we had this emotional bond. With my sister there wasn’t this constant exertion and anxiety when vocalising my thoughts. With Racheal I was verbally lucid i was free to be myself. There wasn’t the crippling shyness the emotional constipation i found amongst strangers my own age. We were kindred spirits a connection built upon a genuine friendship. A friendship cultivated on love on the bonds of family. Friendships were these precious elusive gems that were challenging to forge to maintain. With my sister it was easy sharing all this joy all the beneficial memories. My family was this shelter this tranquil serene environment that temporary protected me from the storm of meeting new people. The family milieu enabled me to medicate myself from my social impediments helping me overcome my early behavioural issues. With my childhood intimacy I experienced with Racheal i never felt alone I understood i had another soul to connect with to mitigate the alienation of being a abnormal child. Throughout my early formative years it was this blind helping me to overcome these social hurdles facilitating my integration into mainstream society.

Overall my childhood was a relatively normal one. I overcome my early social antipathy my impassiveness to other humans. After the special needs training helped me to improve my verbal acuity I adjusted forming long lasting childhood friendships. The most severe negative personality evaporated as a result of the help from the vocal teacher who radically improved my conversational proficiency. Still i was left psychological wounds with deep rooted character flaws that persisted with me into my adulthood. Having this loneliness this inability to relate to people to competently convey my emotions. Being entrenched in this painfully shy personality never breaking free from the walls of my introverted persona. Indeed outside of school and immediate family other friends remained elusive incredibly rare occurrences. The occasional sporadic friendship developed but i remained alone away from the school life. Throughout my infant years was this aloof weird alien creature struggling to function in a frightening harsh world. On the surface was this normal child but the early signs of a personality disorder were all their. The predilection for solitude the propensity to escape into a elaborate fantasy daydreaming existences. The struggle to connect with people to have friends to be normal to not feel so alien so socially adrift. Still was able to find normality to find alleviation from anxiety. Procuring a tiny slither of happiness gaining real emotional binds that have been glaringly absent in my adult life.

I Miss You Mum

6 years this week you killed yourself
It hurts like acid burning a hole in my stomach
I miss you think about you everyday
Miss your hugs your effusive hugs you bestowed upon me

I miss you mum i cry when I hear your funeral song
I shed a profusion of tears when I gaze at photographs of you on my phone
I yearn for one last chance one last moment to bask in the iridescence of your external love

Still can recall seeing your haunted eyes as you hung from the ceiling
That image is tattooed on my ravaged mind
The wounds of losing you so prematurely and tragedy will never heal
I will never recover from losing you from suicide the hole in my soul can never be filled

Mum i need you in the mire the moil of my depression
I call out for you in the starry night as i survey the majestic awe inspiring cosmos i think about the memories we shared
I mediate on the future memories that was denied by from your egregious decision to end your life to abandon your daughter in the turmoil of her anxiety laden adolescence

Voices In My Head

Lost in the walls of my mind
Lost all alone with these venomous inner voices that reverberate inside my damaged mind
They scream they bellow when i loom at my ghastly visage in the mirror
They scream freak ugly scum as i shudder

These voices bark at me in the night
They tell me to kill myself
They drag me down into the mire they make me feel worthless
As the voices grow more boisterous as my self loathing intensifies I descend into a vicious cycle of suicidal thoughts

I cant sleep cant escape these inner voices that torment me
I want to make these acerbic voices fade away
I hear them when i interact with strangers they engender a feeling of so paranoia

Voices like savage barks from a wild dog haunt me in my perennial alienation and clinical depression
I want to muffle these voices but they are unrelenting i cant abate these voices
Barking and howling preventing me from breaking out of my malaise

I am lost in my darkness with only these vicious howls of torment for company
Nobody to hug to kiss to share laughter to nullify these voices in my mental ill head
I scream for these voices to cease torturing me
They carry on advising me to end my vapid pathetic life these voices grow more vociferous as my illness solidifies in my introverted personality

Dear Arya

I am writing this email to you to notify you of a few important momentous details that have been occurring in my life. Rather than have a brief phone interaction with i thought i could detail the events coming up in my life that you as my beloved daughter have a right to know about. In a phone conversation or in person i find it tremendously arduous to eloquently articulate my emotions. As you know I’m a shy reserved man who rarely conveys his inner feelings hence the medium of email is beneficial to a man who’s reticent in displaying his emotions.

I am sending you this email to tell you I have recently met a beautiful women called Maria who’s has revitalised me given a renewed lust for life. We have only been going out for a few months and am ashamed that I concealed our romance from you. Its the first time since the death of your mother that I have felt the joy of being alive.

I have written this email to inform you that we intend to get married shortly next year. I know its might seem rash and hasty to be taking such a sacred commitment after only seeing Maria for a short period of time. However I’m 45 life is short and i want to be happy to spend the rest of my life with this wonderful women. I also would love if you could spend the weekend at our old home and spend a blissful weekend with me and Maria. I’m sure you’ll be as armoured with Maria as i was. She is a resplendent effervescent women who’s made me come alive once again.

I know we don’t talk a lot about the death the harrowing suicide of Mary your mum 6 years ago now. We hardly even bring her up in conversation on the sporadic moments we converse. In those 6 years I’ve been desperately alone wanting another chance at happiness. I don’t like to divulge my inner most feelings to anybody I’m like you a pathological introvert. I miss Mary so much she’s constantly on my mind and there’s this deep sadness and regret that I didn’t notice the glaring signs she was suffering under the weight of depression. I know me meeting another women greeting married for the 2nd time might seem strange please I’m beseeching you to be happy for me. Don’t think I’m omitting the abiding memory of Mary from my life. Her memory will never fade from me her kindness her infinite love will never leave me.

This is the first time i have actually been so candid about my feelings my grief that transpired after Mary suicide and funeral. I wish we could have been more honest about our shared pain. We are two peas in a pod hampered with a inability to express our deepest emotions.

I been ruminating about Mary how she killed herself how i wasn’t cognisant of the symptoms of her lifelong depression. Thinking about that within the context of you and want to tell you if you’re suffering from depression don’t be afraid to pick up the phone and contact. I’m sure you’re a well adjusted beautiful young women who’s living a encircling full life. However the experience of Mary has made me realise that a lot of people afflicted with depression are adept at hiding their psychosis. I don’t want to lose my only daughter my only child i want to see you more frequently even though your residing in Cambridge living your aspiration to become a published eminent writer. We should talk more or make a firm commitment to dialogue at least once a week share our thoughts our experiences in our personal lives.

The wedding is scheduled next year so there’s enough time for you to become intimately acquainted with Maria. Enough time for Maria to become bored with a middle aged accountant still i cant wait for the wedding day. However the topography of my future appears promising with lush pastures and wild vitas of love waiting to be explored by myself and my future wife. I want you to be a intrinsic part of that journey even as you gain some autonomy and venture into the world. Hopefully one day in the near distant future i will get to walk you down the aisle to see you wed to the man of your dreams.

I can imagine seeing your mum watching from heaven with a tear in her eyes witnessing her angelic daughter finding happiness. Still i hope you can be happy for me that after these long 6 years of misery of loneliness I have granted from the heavens a second chance at happiness on this planet.

I have sent a letter to your address its a simple invitation to the wedding its a simple rsvp. Its details the date the location of the church and the post wedding reception venue. I’m positive you will be able to attend this hallowed religious ceremony you don’t have to feel obligated to attend but you’re are my own child my precious baby. There’s another piece of salient information i need to impart upon you. Maria even though shes never had the pleasure of meeting you has vehemently requested that you would agree to be one of her bridesmaids.

I just not only fallen in love with Maria but concurrently become enamoured with emails i know i sound like such a middle aged old geezer. I find that in not having to speak face to face i can communicate my rawest emotions without the awkwardness of my characteristic laconic manner. We need to talk though just text me a appropriate time when we can have a prolonged conversation via phone. We have a myriad of topics to talk about the wedding your job your life Maria and our thoughts on your mum. We need to finally have a honest conversation about your mums suicide how that was a detriment to our life how i suffered how it adversely impacted you throughout your adolescence.

Your loving father hope you arefeeing fit and well

The Terror

The news fills me with dread
I see a array of devastating reports on climate change
The burning of our rainforest artic on fire oceans rising apocalyptic storms and hurricanes
The terror the horror of our future what will life be like in 50 years
I have trouble breathing as these nightmarish climate stories provoke a panic attack

Everyday I awake with this dread this all consuming terror that haunts me
Its my bleak future our bleak future
Knowing that all that i cherish and treasure all the natural beauties the majestic wildlife will be ravaged in a generation
I am wrought to tears of sadness and impotent rage at the previous generations who fucked up irrevocably our precious ecosystem

Without becoming cognisant of these reports i still suffer from a impairing anxiety disorder
However upon reading this calamitous stories my anxiety exacerbates I
I cant leave my room I’m shacking cant breathe death I’m certain is nigh
The apocalypse is round the corner this is our ice age as billions will drown starve and be made refugees in a dystopian future

The terror never leaves me
Theres nothing i can do to negate the terror that permeates my consciousness
All I can do is appreciate the beauty of nature to visit areas of the globe before it’s too late
Before this sublime locations these natural wonders and metropolises get submerged by the rising oceans