Spiralling Out Of Control

My mind is beset with anxiety today
I started the day feeling normal just slightly nervous
Then over the course of the day my anxiety intensified as i spiralled out of control
By the end of the day my hands were shacking i could barely breathe

This anxiety is killing its living in hell
Its rendered me unable to function around people living so reclusive
I have to refrain from going on nights out
I refuse to answer the door or my iPhone all lines of communication are shut down when my anxiety is this acute

Today though all it took was a contemptuous glance from a fellow student to set me off in a vicious circle of paranoia of self loathing
That icy indifferent glare left me burdened with panic and dread
I had to vamoose to the toilet on several occasions to control my erratic breathing

Tomorrow though i have to attend a series of lectures all will endure the same psychological torture
Feeling this sickness in my skin wanting to be alone away from the claustrophobia of being engulfed in disquieting social situations
The problem is I’m so adroit at concealing my socially impeding disorder

Tomorrow there will be the averted glances the endless nervous energy pulsating in my aching bones
I want this nightmare to end to be free to be happy around people not to hate even participating in rudimentary conversations
My mind after a day of protracted anxiety is exhausted I’m hiding under my pillow finally experiencing a modicum of serenity

Advertisements

Daddy Please Don’t Shed Any Tears At My Funeral

Daddy don’t cry don’t mourn for when I’m gone
As the priest reads my funeral eulogy don’t lament my passing
As the music reverberates in the cavernous church stay stoic and austere
Please don’t cry don’t mourn for a life bereft of meaning or purpose

Soon i will be gone the black dog of depression is poisoning me
Its close till I hang myself just my mum
I no longer can bare the hell of being alive
This world is a cauldron of suffering and my soul is being crushed in the flames in nightmare of life

Theres no love no hope the emotion has vanished from me
Nobody cares for me so daddy don’t you grief my loss
Im a vapid waste of a person who’s destined doomed to be a mere statistic a sad story
Soon i will fade into the long night of death and dissolve into dust

Daddy its over the love the promise the lustrous bright lights of this world have disappeared
Now at the age of 23 i want death i desire to cease breathing
Theres nothing left to live for the flickering lights of my soul will shortly be extinguished in the brutal finality of death
Don’t want you to spend days weeks months years ravaged with despair at my untimely suicidal passing forget at me my life is a insipid endeavour

The Terror

The news fills me with dread
I see a array of devastating reports on climate change
The burning of our rainforest artic on fire oceans rising apocalyptic storms and hurricanes
The terror the horror of our future what will life be like in 50 years
I have trouble breathing as these nightmarish climate stories provoke a panic attack

Everyday I awake with this dread this all consuming terror that haunts me
Its my bleak future our bleak future
Knowing that all that i cherish and treasure all the natural beauties the majestic wildlife will be ravaged in a generation
I am wrought to tears of sadness and impotent rage at the previous generations who fucked up irrevocably our precious ecosystem

Without becoming cognisant of these reports i still suffer from a impairing anxiety disorder
However upon reading this calamitous stories my anxiety exacerbates I
I cant leave my room I’m shacking cant breathe death I’m certain is nigh
The apocalypse is round the corner this is our ice age as billions will drown starve and be made refugees in a dystopian future

The terror never leaves me
Theres nothing i can do to negate the terror that permeates my consciousness
All I can do is appreciate the beauty of nature to visit areas of the globe before it’s too late
Before this sublime locations these natural wonders and metropolises get submerged by the rising oceans

Rumbling In My Stomach

I see has angelic radiating face my heart flutters
My stomach rumbles with nervous excitement
He smiles at me with his immaculate iridescent smile
Why is he gazing at me i averted my gaze as his luscious emerald green eyes beguile me

When i see him at the coffee bar in the university campus I’m transfixed by his divine statuesque body
I always though blinded encumbered by a crippling social anxiety act aloof not wanting to reveal the tumult of amorous feeling flowing in my body
He gets me all hot and sweaty just thinking about him dreaming of the ecstasy of falling in love having sex with this ethereal creature

My stomach rumbles my hands shake with pure adrenaline
I cant contain my awkwardness my body overridden with anxiety
When he finally break the ice and exchange a few monosyllabic pleasantries the fear is overwhelming
I cant control my body i try to maintain a semblance of serenity of calmness in his vicinity
After this awkward exchange i almost collapse from the anxiety pulsating

I’m positive he’s only being kind and amiable in engaging in a brusque conversation with me
Why would he be attracted to a ugly loser like me
Look at him with his perfect flowing brunette hair and me with my unkempt messy appearance bereft of beauty
Still the dream of love of sex of emotional intimacy consumes me he’s forever in my thoughts

Climbing Up The Walls

Arms shacking shivering my body sways manically back and forth
My breathing is erratic uncontrolled the curtains are firmly closed
No lights in my home I can’t face the world the dark eerie outside
I turn off my phone there’s complete silence no music as i sit on the edge of my bed wanting this hell to end

The walls are moving they’re are coming closer to me
I hear voices on the outside as my paranoia my anxiety intensifies
Breathing in and out in a effort to assuage the fear the dread
I want to escape this body this horrifying state of being
I’m trapped in this neurotic bag of bones

I touch my magnolia coated wall to feel something tactile to mitigate my nervousness
I scream in my head i want to get out please god let it end
Now i collapse on the floor in a ball in a fetal like position
Hearing now a multitude of auditory hallucinations sounds of people laughing the ringing of the bell
I cry in utter agony as tears stream into my wooden floor

I want to escape the nightmare of my body
Wanting forlornly to escape to experience a semblance of normality
The walls are shacking pulsating with imagined sound waves I continue to hysterically cry
I notice my breathing relaxes slightly as the angst is dissipating now the hallucinations cease and the attack dies down

Death

Laying prostrate almost comatose in my bed dreaming of death
Sick and twisted thought are ruminating in my mind
I cant move from the pain of this depression i want death i want to be nothing
I am already dead as the emotion has been vanquished from my body as this dead sensation permeates my entire being

Dreaming of all the myriad of ways of dying
Dreaming of dying in my sleep to never awaken to a cold world that has forsaken me
I have nothing no love no real family friends never call anymore
All i have is the fantasy of not existing

I lay horizontal for hours with a body burdened with sadness musing about the concept of death to not exist
To be a dream a distant fading memory to be pure nothingness to be dust
I want death there’s no reason to carry on existing living so listlessly trudging through life in endless cycles of abject despair
In my darkest dreams i take the sweet pill of suicide and get taken away by a dark shadowy masked figure he takes me away from the land of the living into the serenity the nirvana of death

A Passenger

Existing as a observer of life
Not actively engaging in the essential activities of the human race
I’m on the outside wanting to be a participant in the wonders of life
Wanting love wanting to traverse the globe and witness fantastical awe inspiring vistas but my disorder precludes me from venturing into the wide world

I gaze outside my window in the evening
Being transfixed by the glittering neon lights of the city
Seeing all the sounds smells evocative senses of the city that permeate my consciousness
I observe majestic psychedelic sunsets that render me breathless I don’t feel alive though i am afflicted with a dead sensation that pulsates my body and soul

Existing as a passenger a observer is the detrimental consequences of long term depression
All i do is watch not able to connect with people or take part in the wonders of being a human being
I cant break free from the manacles of depression i cant experience joy i am trapped in this body with a sick feeling
I want to travel to fall in love to let go of all the piss and shit that been building inside of me for years I want to experience for once bliss euphoria and not be this pain ridden passenger of life