Late Stage Depression

My depression that’s lived inside my entire life has mutated
Its mutated it’s something malignant that left my mind in protracted states of atrophy
My melancholia has metastasised into these suicidal thoughts
Days spent in agony barely able to walk to talk to maintain a functioning body and mind

On days off i lay in bed in catatonic atrophied with a mind that rapidly deteriorating
The thoughts circulate round my afflicted consciousness death harm wanting to be nothing
Its horrible its fucking awful existing in this purgatory wanting a terminus to my pain drenched existence

My depression is analogous to a cancer promulgating over my body infecting every organ
I’m dying i can see in bloodshot eyes that seem like tombstones bereft of vitality
I’m dying i no longer see any value in staying alive i no longer cherish human company i eschew friends and family
I’m dying with my bones aching walking around with this poisoned body

Its only a few weeks until i will kill myself
I haven’t ascertained how i will die but i have to terminate myself from this cursed realm
I want to be a ghost to evaporate into the vast infinite universe
I hate myself i am worthless i need to die

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Rumbling In My Stomach

I see has angelic radiating face my heart flutters
My stomach rumbles with nervous excitement
He smiles at me with his immaculate iridescent smile
Why is he gazing at me i averted my gaze as his luscious emerald green eyes beguile me

When i see him at the coffee bar in the university campus I’m transfixed by his divine statuesque body
I always though blinded encumbered by a crippling social anxiety act aloof not wanting to reveal the tumult of amorous feeling flowing in my body
He gets me all hot and sweaty just thinking about him dreaming of the ecstasy of falling in love having sex with this ethereal creature

My stomach rumbles my hands shake with pure adrenaline
I cant contain my awkwardness my body overridden with anxiety
When he finally break the ice and exchange a few monosyllabic pleasantries the fear is overwhelming
I cant control my body i try to maintain a semblance of serenity of calmness in his vicinity
After this awkward exchange i almost collapse from the anxiety pulsating

I’m positive he’s only being kind and amiable in engaging in a brusque conversation with me
Why would he be attracted to a ugly loser like me
Look at him with his perfect flowing brunette hair and me with my unkempt messy appearance bereft of beauty
Still the dream of love of sex of emotional intimacy consumes me he’s forever in my thoughts

Death

Laying prostrate almost comatose in my bed dreaming of death
Sick and twisted thought are ruminating in my mind
I cant move from the pain of this depression i want death i want to be nothing
I am already dead as the emotion has been vanquished from my body as this dead sensation permeates my entire being

Dreaming of all the myriad of ways of dying
Dreaming of dying in my sleep to never awaken to a cold world that has forsaken me
I have nothing no love no real family friends never call anymore
All i have is the fantasy of not existing

I lay horizontal for hours with a body burdened with sadness musing about the concept of death to not exist
To be a dream a distant fading memory to be pure nothingness to be dust
I want death there’s no reason to carry on existing living so listlessly trudging through life in endless cycles of abject despair
In my darkest dreams i take the sweet pill of suicide and get taken away by a dark shadowy masked figure he takes me away from the land of the living into the serenity the nirvana of death

A Passenger

Existing as a observer of life
Not actively engaging in the essential activities of the human race
I’m on the outside wanting to be a participant in the wonders of life
Wanting love wanting to traverse the globe and witness fantastical awe inspiring vistas but my disorder precludes me from venturing into the wide world

I gaze outside my window in the evening
Being transfixed by the glittering neon lights of the city
Seeing all the sounds smells evocative senses of the city that permeate my consciousness
I observe majestic psychedelic sunsets that render me breathless I don’t feel alive though i am afflicted with a dead sensation that pulsates my body and soul

Existing as a passenger a observer is the detrimental consequences of long term depression
All i do is watch not able to connect with people or take part in the wonders of being a human being
I cant break free from the manacles of depression i cant experience joy i am trapped in this body with a sick feeling
I want to travel to fall in love to let go of all the piss and shit that been building inside of me for years I want to experience for once bliss euphoria and not be this pain ridden passenger of life

My Dream Life

I have this envision of a perfect idealised idyllic existence
A life far removed from the my lonely life of creative disappointment
A life far away from the rattle and hum of my anxiety impaired urban existence
Its a life living in the lush British countryside

I have a charming beguiling man of my dreams by my side
We have cultivated through our unbreakable cosmic bond a family with 2 divine little angels
We live in a quaint english cottage in the south of England surrounded by all the trappings all the allure of nature
My husband like myself is a successful writer he writes as a opinion columnist whilst i am a bestselling eminent novelist who’s lauded for her works of creative genius

Its a idyllic pastoral setting where i am inspired to conceive a prolific prodigious output of novels
This dream life is devoid of the anxiety of living in the hustle and bustle of the city
I eschew being a celebrity and exist with my family a recluse who’s committed to raise two beautiful children
Days in our cottage are spent going on extensive hikes through this majestic countryside that assumes my anxiety disorder

Free from the anguish of the crowd residing in a sparsely populated place
I am liberated from my social anxiety disorder never having to endure the hell of a crowded club
In this dream life I fantasise about my mind is unimpeded from the manacles of depression
I am blessed in prolonged states of euphoric happiness living a enriching fulfilling coexistence with my heavenly man of my dreams and our angelic offspring

I Drank The Poison

Last night i was afflicted with a harrowing evocative nightmare
In this chilling nightmare i found myself being administered a noxious concoction that would end my life
A women clothed in white advised me to consume the deadly cocktail
I acquiesced to her vehement demands and downed it wanting to end the oppressive pain of being alive

In this vivid dark prophecy of my untimely demise the poison only worked when i fall into a deep slumber
Upon drinking the suicide cocktail i immediately regretted my deleterious decision to end my life
I pleaded with this mysterious women in white to help me stay alive
She told me in this white room there were only 2 options to stave off death to remain awake for 24 hours or too vomit out the deadly chemicals from my fragile body

I concluded to stay awake in my fanatic condition
Rushing home at a expeditious pace wanting desperately to be alive to expunge the toxic concoction from my body
In this long vivid dream I consumed a copious amount of coffee in a diligent attempt to remain alive
I pleaded begged god to keep from the savage jaws of death in the end of the dream I miraculously survived then i awoke with terror and a profusion of sweat on my anxiety laden body

Dreams

Drifting away into realms of my subconscious
I dream in colour with a polychromatic visions that float through my unconscious mind
I am sailing through the vast wondrous galaxy with a awe inspiring incandescent stars beaming not my engrossed mind
Reds and blues and greens illuminate the horizon I’m in ecstasy

In this euphoric dream I’m free unchained from the manacles of anxiety and depression
I’m flying majestically through time and space
Experiencing true enlightenment as these psychedelic images transfix and beguile me
I’m on a cloud been taking higher and higher I’m on a different plain if being

This is heaven then suddenly my lover appears a immaculate image of masculinity
He stands before naked with a exquisite torso a face that beams out pure joy
He smiles iridescently at my direction my body quivers as electricity surges in me
suddenly he kiss as our trembling body are metamorphosed into works of art

The art changes then my unshaven toned lover is laying next to me on a floating cloud
We stare for hours into each other’s enchanting eyes
I witness a vast inner universe of beauty in him
The sky colour alters every second as we are higher in pure states of ecstatic being

This dream is a unique one
Devoid of nightmare our anxiety our suicidal fantasies
Its a psychedelic hallucinogenic vision of love of heaven
With the aid of cannabis and copious anti anxiety meds my atypical mind dreamed up a divine collection of dreams on a enchanting prolonged sleep