Anxiety

My body is permeated with disquiet
My thoughts are cloudy my mind racked with fear
I cant control my breathe as I breathe erratically when I’m in public
People stare at me the anxiety intensifies i fall down a black hole of sadness

On the outside i never feel safe I’m alone terrified of a panic attack
I take long breathes to maintain my breathing cycle
I diligently try to maintain a veneer if sanity whilst on the inside I’m crying I’m screaming
In the midst of my injurious anxiety i yearn i ache for the euphoria of solitude

This pernicious anxiety disorder is detrimentally affecting the quality of my life
I cant cultivate romantic relationships due to my acute social phobia
I habitually turn down ardent calls for nights out with close confidants over the anxiety i will endure on a night of socialising of fraternising
I am alone in the darkness unable to articulate to vent my pain of this anxiety

I get pernicious attacks on a monthly basis
Its a horrifying ordeal when i am afflicted with a random panic attack
I cant breathe i collapse to the floor i think I’m dying
Then there’s a profusion of tears i secrete from my eyes after the hell of a panic attack its constant never ending torture I face day after day unable too function unable to live a full gregarious ebullient life

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Given Up

A gaunt face with sallow checks devoid of colour
Eyes that once were effervescent now appear listless and haunted
A body haunched over emitting negative energy
No eye contact no ebullient smile as she meets strangers or lifelong friends

She has given up on life
Give up on the glorious possibility of love
Given up on ever conquering or vanquishing her demons
She has succumbed to a wretched lonely life of pain

Depression follows her like a pungent noxious odour
She longs to be liberated from her deep seated psychological conditions
She aches to be happy to be normal to not be besieged with a pernicious anxiety disorder
In her forlorn mind she has given up the ghost

As she ventures outside rudimentary conversations and mundane social setting are filled with anxiety
A simple task like going shopping is pure hell
A 8 hour workday is involves a tortuous anxiety that never abates
She aches for the ecstasy of solitude where the distress alleviates somewhat

Getting home for the serenity of her grotty one bed flat
There are transient moments of inner peace
Soon though her neurotic mind is permeated with loneliness with the perennial alienation of her wretched adulthood
She lays down on her couch feeling numb feeling nothing wanting to die wanting to feel the elation of love wanting to connect with another lost soul

Lost My Faith In God

Once upon a time i used to be a vehement vociferous believer in god
I would habitually attend church on a Sunday
I would carry the crucifix round my neck
Every night I would say a prayer recite passages from the new a testament

When my mother died when the genesis of my depression began
It was religion it was god that gave me solace that assuaged my sadness my suicidal predilections
Now at 23 that faith that adamant sanguine faith has eroded
The depression that panic attack the anxiety has grown more severe and god the church has forsaken me in my time of need

The iridescent light of religion has faded away
Now these once profound verses these teachings of Jesus ring hollow in my dejected mind
I cry at night god never answers my hollows of despair
Tears flow nobody up there seems to care

Right now I believe there is no god no almighty divine creator
The world my life is permeated with such misery such pain for a benevolent being to actually exist
Its been over a year since attended mass the last time was a harrowing experience
The once poignant words from a priest meant nothing to me years of depression of alienation has erased my faith in god in humanity

Sorrow Sorrow Sorrow

Sorrow is all i encounter
My mind is consumed by the sorrow of being me
I laying alone in the emptiness of my bed
Feeling dejected disconsolate with my bones aching with sorrow

My life has become a ocean of sorrow a endless desert of beleaguerment
I awake day after day with the same wretched sorrow
No escape no abatement in this melancholic state of being
I go home after a day of attending lectures and cry alone in my room

The pain the suffering the untreated psychological wounds
The sorrow the heartbreak the self loathing that makes my skin crawl my emaciated body ache
I cry alone never revealing never exposing my sorrow to another soul
This pungent odour of sadness permeates my entire being

I cant escape I can’t extricate this despair from my mind
Tears wont dry sorrow stays with it stains my once youthful optimistic soul
Night are long and empty as i sit alone in the pitch black of my room feeling forlorn wanting to end the wretched sorrow wanting for somebody to hear my screams of lament
I exist in the darkness unable to see the light unable to broadcast my torturous sorrow that haunts me

The tears dry the pain remains
The sorrow is like a noxious gas slowing poising me
The sorrow combines with the deep abiding revulsion i feel for myself
A toxic cocktail that leaves me paralysed in chronic states of despair

Everyday I Think About Killing Myself

Mental illness runs in my family my mum suffered from severe depression her entire adult life. My mum dealt with her terminal depression in a english women by never divulging her emotional torture to anybody. She was a stereotypical english women who was emotional repressed who was unable to be candid about her suicidal inclinations. I have inherited these detrimental personality traits from my mum. I have endured since i was 13 deep depression i also suffer from a paralysing social anxiety a negative attribute my deeply introverted father has. In my family we never communicated emotionally even though i had two loving affectionate parents who were demonstrative effusive in showing their love for me.

When i was 13 years old in my formative teenage years a traumatic life altering event befall our family. Me and my accountant father were driving home from my cello lesson and arrived atour suburban residence and discovered the grisly sight of my mums body hanging from the ceiling. My mum had killed herself and left only a succinctly worded suicide note where she elucidated her reasons why she committed suicide. It was a devastating moment that forever altered my perceptive on life on God on myself. After that day i became severely depressed developed long term anxiety issues began to suffer from habitual panic attacks and the genesis of my body dysmorphia occurred after the tragic death of my mum at the tender age of 38. Following her suicide i distanced myself from my father lived in the sanctuary of my room when i was home. We rarely conversed other than banal small talk we never dared to open up the wounds of my mums untimely suicide. Like a prototypical middle class middle England family we repressed our pain.

Its been nearly 10 years since that tumultuous day when my mum killed herself. Since then i have progressed from a neurotic anxiety riddled teenager into a troubled adult with untreated unexpressed psychosis and disorders. The anxiety has exacerbated into a detrimental social phobia. The depression is metastasised into daily sick suicidal fantasises. Like my mum i have refrained from confiding with a friend or seeking the ameliorating help of a professional therapist. I have hidden suppressed my mental illnesses the fear of being vulnerable the terrifying fear of being judged by another person. Hence i put on this veneer of normality hiding my crippling perennial psychological problems. I halve inherited my mums introverted propensities to never cry in public to exist in private inner world of emotional torment.

I muse daily on killing myself in my overactive imagination. Everyday its a new manner of death every conceivable iteration i ponder. Whether its a drug overdose to the harrowing hanging slitting of my wrists and severing a vital artery. I think about jumping from a block flats and letting my emaciated body get crushed on the concrete floor. I ruminate whether or not i will leave a note a poem what i would say in this verbose or succinctly worded suicide creation. On numerous moments when the idea of suicide has seen to me alluring i have composed a variety of poems essays in which i delineate the reasons why I want to end my life prematurely. These are dark desolate moments in my lonely life when the only escape from the immiseration of my pathetic life is to cease existing.

One time when i cut myself in a desperate act of a self harm on my underarm to feel some pain. I decided with my inhibitions loosened from devouring copious amounts of alcohol to call the Salvation Army suicide number. I spoke with a kind softly spoken serene women who dissuaded me from slashing my wrists. This is the only instance i ever openly talked to another soul about my oppressive depression that’s negatively impacted every facet of my life. It wasn’t a genuine suicide attempt it was though a forlorn cry for help in the early hours of a Saturday morning. I cried during and after this laconic phone conversation which lasted a mere 5 minutes. The aftermath of this interaction was a feeling of elation to unburden myself from the shackles of my emotional repression. To finally divulge my darkest secrets to a faceless compassionate stranger left me feeling euphoric even with the tears the snot falling down my nose. With my lacerated arms i had a moment when I acknowledged to another person my illness i was vulnerable with the help of alcohol.

However subsequent after that potential momentous phone conversation i fall back into my negative behavioural pattern of adopting this facade this exterior of normalcy . I reneged from disclosing my depression my anxiety to my small tribe of cohorts. I never sought out the rehabilitative help of a therapist who could improve my depression. The pain would only be unveiled on my online poems my diary entries my blog. None of my friends family work colleagues would ever be cognisant of the severity of my fragile mental state. I continued hiding my anxiety attacks my self harm my suicidal proclivities. Still i would fantasise about ending my life fantasise about the funeral. What would my father say in the eulogy would there be a profusion of tears from the funeral attendees. My perfect method of suicide I have surmised is to die from an overdose of opiate painkillers whilst listening to the soothing melancholic songs of Lana del Rey. Hearing her soothing dulcet melodic tones as I drift off into nothingness would be the perfect way to end my short lamentable life.

Some days the pain the torture the purgatory of life becomes so onerous i just want to die. In my broken mind I’m screaming end the pain end the pain fuck being alive. I cant take it anymore cant endure the loneliness the abject desolation of my forlorn existence. Walking around i utter the silent words to myself freak freak freak die you bitch when i pass strangers who cast their derisive glares at my direction. I’m screaming at myself wanting to be nothing screaming with my self loathing laments to die. These are the worst days when the dark fantasies feel so real when death is plausible to me. Everyday though even on rare days of tranquility I contemplate suicide.

Insomnia

Can’t sleep cant stop sweating
This heat is exhausting I’m sweating profusely throughout the day
At night i laying in my bed with my windows open
The sweat breeze gives a moment of elation but the muggy heat is relentless

I am tossing and turning all night diligently trying all manner of things to end my insomnia
I take a ice cold shower
I listen to mediative soothing classical music
I listen to a evocative audiobook i write poetry still i cant sleep

As the hours roll by my anxiety intensifies from the lack of sleep
My forehead has beads of sweat that cascade down my pallid face
I am drenched in anxiety wanting to fall into a subconscious state
A million neurotic thoughts flow all at once as my eyes are wide awake

Outside its nearly light its 6 o’clock in the morning
I have nearly abandoned the futile endeavour of falling asleep
My eyes don’t want to close as i see the fervent sun piercing through my thin inadequate curtains
Theres no tranquil breeze just the beginning of another punishing suffocating sweltering July day

I cant sleep its been 3 days of no sleep whatsoever
I feel so anxious unable to talk to strangers and friends without falling into a anxiety attack
I might stay inside and eschew the outside world
I need a morsel of sleep to end this insomnia that’s threatening my mental health my ability to function

The Elephant Man And Me

The elephant man is my favourite movie i most have seen it at least 20 times. I can still recollect the firsts time I watched this seminal piece of cinematic brilliance that a brilliant depiction of the human condition. I was 14 years old feeling this socially awkward alienated teenager who was suffering the formative symptoms of body dysmorphia. My condition has now I’m a fully grown adult metastasised into a socially debilitating disorder that effects my self esteem that leaves me crippled with anxiety I’m unable to cultivate romantic relationships all because of this disorder.

When I first watched the elephant man this glorious sentimental masterpiece it resonated deeply with the themes of alienation and being outcasted by mainstream society. The man John merrick a victim of a incredibly rare congenital disorder that leaves him horribly disfigured and basically disabled. The way he’s discarded cast out is how i feel leaving with many various mental illnesses the depression the social anxiety the body dysmorphia that have grown. John merricks hideous physical appearance is how i see myself when I glimpse into the rare i don’t see a normal person i see a grotesque freak. My disorder precludes from ever venturing outside except when I’m forced to by social convention or to attend my university lectures. When i am outside i become anxious paranoid feeling everyone look on horror at this gollum creature in human clothes. I have to plaster my face in makeup or simply obscure my face by hearing a hoodie or large sunglasses. In public or in the sanctum of my home glaring into the mirror is a horrifying experience that i eschew until it’s absolutely necessary. In the film when john is looks into a mirror and sees his deformed ugly face that scene brings me to tears. His consternated reaction as he sees himself looks into the window of his soul is what i experience when I see myself in bathroom mirrors when i go to my hair salon.

Many scenes in this film which is imprinted on my consciousness provoke a powerful reaction in the depths of my mind. One of the most enduring scenes is the diner scene when John attends a dinner with his protector his friend the DR. Treves. He’s made to feel normal for the first time in his short adult life. He wears a three piece suit looks for the first time as a respectable gentlemen and is welcomed into their home as a equal treated with humanity. That feeling of being accepted of needing validation is what i desire in that scene it moves me profoundly. The best moment is though when John shows his guests a photograph of his estranged mother. Rather than being a ugly homely women devoid of beauty its a image of a angelic women. Then John talks about losing his mother how he most of been a tremendous disappointment to his mum. When I initially watch the elephant man it had been less than a year since my mums tragic suicide. That scene i watched alone was a tear inducing powerful moment that elucidated my grief. That spoke to me of the sadness of losing a parent the pain the feeling I Of worthlessness. Every time i watch that scene and John is talking about his mother expressing his sadness i am transformed into a blubbering mess. The pain of my mums suicide has never subsided i never divulged my pain to anybody kept the pain hidden kept it suppressed. In that brief moment i experience a cathartic release of the pent up grief.

There are numerous other scenes that express the pathos of isolation of being cast out into the wilderness. To never have love to be denied the euphoric beauty of a intimate relationship with the sex the companionship the emotional elation of a long term enduring love affair. All these things i am precluded from ever experiencing due to my socially impeding disorder. The scene where John is inquiring to Dr. Treves whether he can be cured of his rare disease the doctor politely says no. Then John looks forlornly into a painting of a man sleeping on a bed and almost despairingly wishes he could sleep like a normal person. To me that scene is a powerful encapsulation of whats its like to be afflicted with a crippling mental disorder that you’ll be cured from. I want to sleep like a normal person a potent metaphor of the desire to be normal to have friends to function in society to be remedied of your mental illness. I believe any depressed person anybody suffering from a pathological psychological condition will be moved to a tears after witnessing that scene. When i watch it i cry profusely usually i have to pause the movie from the cascade of tears that are flowing down my ashen face.

The ending of the elephant man when he accept his fate when he decides to kill himself by literally sleeping as a normal person on his back. This act kills him cutting of oxygen to his his lungs chocking him John cant sleep like a normal person due to the size of his deformed head and the mutations on his chest. He has to sleep sitting up put laying down is suicidal act but a glorious act of defiance to be a normal to experience a semblance of normality. To sleep in a bed laying horizontal as his last act. By the end I’m crying uncontrollably as i watch the ethereal ending as John floats into the cosmos as his soul floats into heaven as finds liberation from the shackles of his gnarled body. A lone female voice eloquently says nothing ever dies. I’m shacking by now as the credits roll and its a compelling ending of being stricken with a body that society is repugnant.

The film acts as a potent analogy of mental illness or isolation. The way the character is treated how he’s looked upon as a oddity a freak how he’s forced to live sequestrated from society having no socially life. How the elephant man appears with his hideous visage is how i view myself. Being tortured by self loathing finding it unfathomable that anybody would find me physically attractive. That my personality is as deformed as the elephant mans ravaged body. The scars the mutations are a mirror into the darkness that lurks in my damaged psyche. This film i watch when I’m low when i need a 2 hour piece of poignant drama. I weep throughout it makes feel less alone in this vast godless universe