Daddy Please Don’t Shed Any Tears At My Funeral

Daddy don’t cry don’t mourn for when I’m gone
As the priest reads my funeral eulogy don’t lament my passing
As the music reverberates in the cavernous church stay stoic and austere
Please don’t cry don’t mourn for a life bereft of meaning or purpose

Soon i will be gone the black dog of depression is poisoning me
Its close till I hang myself just my mum
I no longer can bare the hell of being alive
This world is a cauldron of suffering and my soul is being crushed in the flames in nightmare of life

Theres no love no hope the emotion has vanished from me
Nobody cares for me so daddy don’t you grief my loss
Im a vapid waste of a person who’s destined doomed to be a mere statistic a sad story
Soon i will fade into the long night of death and dissolve into dust

Daddy its over the love the promise the lustrous bright lights of this world have disappeared
Now at the age of 23 i want death i desire to cease breathing
Theres nothing left to live for the flickering lights of my soul will shortly be extinguished in the brutal finality of death
Don’t want you to spend days weeks months years ravaged with despair at my untimely suicidal passing forget at me my life is a insipid endeavour

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Dear Arya

I am writing this email to you to notify you of a few important momentous details that have been occurring in my life. Rather than have a brief phone interaction with i thought i could detail the events coming up in my life that you as my beloved daughter have a right to know about. In a phone conversation or in person i find it tremendously arduous to eloquently articulate my emotions. As you know I’m a shy reserved man who rarely conveys his inner feelings hence the medium of email is beneficial to a man who’s reticent in displaying his emotions.

I am sending you this email to tell you I have recently met a beautiful women called Maria who’s has revitalised me given a renewed lust for life. We have only been going out for a few months and am ashamed that I concealed our romance from you. Its the first time since the death of your mother that I have felt the joy of being alive.

I have written this email to inform you that we intend to get married shortly next year. I know its might seem rash and hasty to be taking such a sacred commitment after only seeing Maria for a short period of time. However I’m 45 life is short and i want to be happy to spend the rest of my life with this wonderful women. I also would love if you could spend the weekend at our old home and spend a blissful weekend with me and Maria. I’m sure you’ll be as armoured with Maria as i was. She is a resplendent effervescent women who’s made me come alive once again.

I know we don’t talk a lot about the death the harrowing suicide of Mary your mum 6 years ago now. We hardly even bring her up in conversation on the sporadic moments we converse. In those 6 years I’ve been desperately alone wanting another chance at happiness. I don’t like to divulge my inner most feelings to anybody I’m like you a pathological introvert. I miss Mary so much she’s constantly on my mind and there’s this deep sadness and regret that I didn’t notice the glaring signs she was suffering under the weight of depression. I know me meeting another women greeting married for the 2nd time might seem strange please I’m beseeching you to be happy for me. Don’t think I’m omitting the abiding memory of Mary from my life. Her memory will never fade from me her kindness her infinite love will never leave me.

This is the first time i have actually been so candid about my feelings my grief that transpired after Mary suicide and funeral. I wish we could have been more honest about our shared pain. We are two peas in a pod hampered with a inability to express our deepest emotions.

I been ruminating about Mary how she killed herself how i wasn’t cognisant of the symptoms of her lifelong depression. Thinking about that within the context of you and want to tell you if you’re suffering from depression don’t be afraid to pick up the phone and contact. I’m sure you’re a well adjusted beautiful young women who’s living a encircling full life. However the experience of Mary has made me realise that a lot of people afflicted with depression are adept at hiding their psychosis. I don’t want to lose my only daughter my only child i want to see you more frequently even though your residing in Cambridge living your aspiration to become a published eminent writer. We should talk more or make a firm commitment to dialogue at least once a week share our thoughts our experiences in our personal lives.

The wedding is scheduled next year so there’s enough time for you to become intimately acquainted with Maria. Enough time for Maria to become bored with a middle aged accountant still i cant wait for the wedding day. However the topography of my future appears promising with lush pastures and wild vitas of love waiting to be explored by myself and my future wife. I want you to be a intrinsic part of that journey even as you gain some autonomy and venture into the world. Hopefully one day in the near distant future i will get to walk you down the aisle to see you wed to the man of your dreams.

I can imagine seeing your mum watching from heaven with a tear in her eyes witnessing her angelic daughter finding happiness. Still i hope you can be happy for me that after these long 6 years of misery of loneliness I have granted from the heavens a second chance at happiness on this planet.

I have sent a letter to your address its a simple invitation to the wedding its a simple rsvp. Its details the date the location of the church and the post wedding reception venue. I’m positive you will be able to attend this hallowed religious ceremony you don’t have to feel obligated to attend but you’re are my own child my precious baby. There’s another piece of salient information i need to impart upon you. Maria even though shes never had the pleasure of meeting you has vehemently requested that you would agree to be one of her bridesmaids.

I just not only fallen in love with Maria but concurrently become enamoured with emails i know i sound like such a middle aged old geezer. I find that in not having to speak face to face i can communicate my rawest emotions without the awkwardness of my characteristic laconic manner. We need to talk though just text me a appropriate time when we can have a prolonged conversation via phone. We have a myriad of topics to talk about the wedding your job your life Maria and our thoughts on your mum. We need to finally have a honest conversation about your mums suicide how that was a detriment to our life how i suffered how it adversely impacted you throughout your adolescence.

Your loving father hope you arefeeing fit and well

The Terror

The news fills me with dread
I see a array of devastating reports on climate change
The burning of our rainforest artic on fire oceans rising apocalyptic storms and hurricanes
The terror the horror of our future what will life be like in 50 years
I have trouble breathing as these nightmarish climate stories provoke a panic attack

Everyday I awake with this dread this all consuming terror that haunts me
Its my bleak future our bleak future
Knowing that all that i cherish and treasure all the natural beauties the majestic wildlife will be ravaged in a generation
I am wrought to tears of sadness and impotent rage at the previous generations who fucked up irrevocably our precious ecosystem

Without becoming cognisant of these reports i still suffer from a impairing anxiety disorder
However upon reading this calamitous stories my anxiety exacerbates I
I cant leave my room I’m shacking cant breathe death I’m certain is nigh
The apocalypse is round the corner this is our ice age as billions will drown starve and be made refugees in a dystopian future

The terror never leaves me
Theres nothing i can do to negate the terror that permeates my consciousness
All I can do is appreciate the beauty of nature to visit areas of the globe before it’s too late
Before this sublime locations these natural wonders and metropolises get submerged by the rising oceans

My Mums Suicide Elegy

Its been 6 years exactly since that dreaded fateful day when me and my dad discovered my mums lifeless haunted body hanging from the top of our living room doorway. The memory the images the wounds of that day blight my mind. I can recall arriving home feeling this teenage weariness after a long day at school followed by a tedious cello lesson and seeing the grisly sight of my mum hanging their. On that day I collapsed into a heap on the floor unable to fathom the reality that my mum killed herself. My father stood there static in a state of paralysis we never cried he held his tears inside of him like a stereotypical repressed english man.

Even though its been 6 long years i can vividly recollect every moment of that day the tears the police and coroner showing up. The contrasting reaction of my mums friends to my dad who descended upon our home to console me and my dad.

Today though in the seclusion of my bedroom I’m carrying on a sacred private tradition of dedicating the evening to my mums memory. I’m sitting on the floor of my bedroom with a variety of exemplary iconic cello compositions being played on my Bluetooth speakers. I have in my meticulous manner rolled several cannabis joints and have a large bottle of scotch whisky all of which will be devoured throughout this evening. Its 7 o’clock in the evening time to begin the proceedings time to pay homage to my wonderful mother who died so tragically. With tears in my eyes as the Elgar cello concerto reverberates across the walls of my intimate eclectically decorated room i down two shots of premium whisky. Then i begin smoking my potent psychoactive joint that hopefully will elicit the happy memories of my mum from my childhood. Then i garb a hold of my suicide note which was her final thoughts in which she delineated the reasons why she had kill herself. My hands are shacking as i begin reading this crinkled torn final reflections on life on death on the hell of living with a untreated secret mental illness. I wipe a tear from my left cheek and blow my nose and begin to slowly read my mums forlorn suicide elegy.

“ Dear family,

I am writing this letter to tell you why i killed myself. If your reading this you probably have discovered my dead body hanging bereft of life. I want to say I’m profoundly sorry for the pain for the misery my selfish self destructive decision has engendered. You have every right to be upset and enraged by my decision to terminated my time on earth. Please understand you have no idea whats its like enduring depression have this hurricane of sadness swirling around your mind day after day month after month. Having this dysmorphia with life having no way of articulating the despair that has slowly poisoning me for years. The shame of my illness hiding my emotional torment behind a simpering smile. As i write this note i am glancing over a collection of my photographs seeing the fake plastic smile that conceals a hidden illness. The smile the laughing behind those eyes i am dying i am screaming on the inside desperate to disclose my sickness that’s rotting me from the inside. I’m sure you are completely ignorant of my sporadic bouts of depression which i mask with my gregarious effervescent personality. I have since i was a teenager become adept at masking this illness never crying in public always making up elaborate excuses to prevent my secret my shame from ever getting out. You are entirely unaware that on numerous other instances i have planned to kill myself and backed out at the last moment. Even going as far to compose a verbosely worded note then destroying the evidence when at the last moment i found a reason to carry on existing. Now though its too late there’s no reason to stay alive even your unconditioned eternal love won’t save me from the jaws of death. I want death i want to cease breathing oxygen the hell of being me being 40 living the terminal loneliness the torture has killed me. I cant speak to anybody I’m unable to be vulnerable to divulge my condition even to my father my beautiful angelic daughter my long suffering kind husband the love of my life. I’m sick of it sick and tired of the piss and shit of life of i cant endure the cancer of depression anymore. I’m cant sleep i drink to excess I’ve turned down vehement requests from my closets comrades for nights out when I’m at home all alone a ocean of sadness flows from my eyes. Then in your empathetic company i hide the sadness put on a plastic persona of sanity whilst I’m drowning inside all the time. I know I’m a stupid selfish bitch I’m sick I’m dying from my depression its left bereft of joy unable to function. Aria my beautiful precious daughter know that i love you and that I’m crying looking at images of you as a precious baby. Aria if you feel ill please I’m begging speak to somebody to a friend to a doctor don’t hide repress the dark thoughts don’t live in purgatory like me. Micheal the love of my life don’t blame this on yourself. I never stopped loving you gave me a home you gave me the strength to carry on but now the pain is too severe to endure. I want you to never forget me cherish the seldom joyous memories we shared and please I’m imploring to not commit a deleterious act please don’t commit suicide. Love you forever i have to die I have to end the endless nightmare of being me”

My face was soaked in sadness as I concluded my mums despairing final thoughts. The cannabis intensified the melancholic sensation of today reading my mums suicide lament. The Elgar cello concerto hit the crescendo as the cello combined with the cannabis and my reading of the elegy rendered unconsolable. I cried I held my head in my hands as i perused a collage of my mums most transcendent images. There was no anger just a deep seething regret at the universe for taking my mum. I had determined to spend the rest of the evening getting high listening to my mums treasured music this is the day i pay tribute to the women who brought me into this cruel unforgiving world.

Death

Laying prostrate almost comatose in my bed dreaming of death
Sick and twisted thought are ruminating in my mind
I cant move from the pain of this depression i want death i want to be nothing
I am already dead as the emotion has been vanquished from my body as this dead sensation permeates my entire being

Dreaming of all the myriad of ways of dying
Dreaming of dying in my sleep to never awaken to a cold world that has forsaken me
I have nothing no love no real family friends never call anymore
All i have is the fantasy of not existing

I lay horizontal for hours with a body burdened with sadness musing about the concept of death to not exist
To be a dream a distant fading memory to be pure nothingness to be dust
I want death there’s no reason to carry on existing living so listlessly trudging through life in endless cycles of abject despair
In my darkest dreams i take the sweet pill of suicide and get taken away by a dark shadowy masked figure he takes me away from the land of the living into the serenity the nirvana of death

2AM Phone Call To The Salvation Army Crisis Hotline

Its 2 am in the morning my hands are shacking covered in blood from another masochistic bout of self harm. I’m laying on my kitchen floor with a razor blade in my right hand my left arm looks ravaged with several vertical deep lacerations on my underarm. My pain receptors are dulled and numb from the excess of whisky i have devoured throughout this lonesome evening. I cant feel the pain of my wounds that will happen tomorrow on top of a punishing hangover. I’m in a dark place at my wits end seriously considering ending my life. Elgar cello concerto echoes throughout the thin walls of my flat playing on my Bluetooth speakers. As I hear the heart wrenching sublime sound of Jacqueline du pre playing the cello with adroitness tears stream down my ashen face devoid of beauty.

I’m crying uncontrollable unable to control my breathing. Breathing in and out at a frantic rate I repeat the phrase in my hand I can’t breathe i cant breathe for several minutes. I feel like death the dread is overpowering the suicidal thoughts overpower my intoxicated mind. I’ve spent all Saturday with the curtains shut in my flat and wearing my crimson silk pyjamas. I commenced drinking my whisky and coke cocktail around 2 in the afternoon wanting to nullify the pain i been subsisting with for the previous several weeks. I cant bare it anymore I’m a 23 year old living alone living with severe depression with a impairing social anxiety disorder and a myriad of other mentally ill symptoms indicative of a long term untreated psychosis. I have neglected important pivotal friendships due to the severity of my social anxiety and the depression has compounded my desolate suicidal disposition. I feel like such a fucking loser a freak who’s been condemned to a life of abject misery and being sequestered from the human race from the kindness and love of strangers due to my disorders.

In my paralytic condition wanting to end my life with the razor blade hovering perilously above my wrist i take a last chance and call the suicidal army crisis hotline. I can’t call any of my family or a distant friend who are still lodged in my iPhone contact list who i still consider a friend. To bare my soul to unload my desperate fragile mental state to somebody I know fills my heart with dread. Especially calling them at 2 in the morning in my delirious drug frenzied state. Throughout the years i have carefully concealed the depths of my pain my anxiety my suicidal predilections my self harm from anybody with whom who knows me who cares for me. Hence i conclude to call of the kind soft spoken sympathetic listening operators with whom I’ve spoken with on numerous occasions on the past several years. This time though i want to die i need to be reminded given any reason why I should remain alive to be part of the living.

My hands are shacking profusely my lips are quivering snot is flowing from my nose I’m a drunken mess wanting to hear a solemn voice in my hell. Dialling the number still on the kitchen floor slumped in a drunken stupor actually terrified of speaking to a volunteer and divulging my desire to end my life. The number rings three times a volunteer answers my forlorn call with a hushed dulcet voice that immediately assuages my anxiety. “Hello how can i help you”
She initiates our conversation. There’s a awkward silence of 10 seconds before I gather myself before i control my breathe and blow my nose.
“ hello mam i want to kill myself i cant stand the pain anymore I’ve got a razor blade and i want to slash my wrists.” My voice cracks i can hardly speak as i utter these words and pronounce my thoughts to another soul. The listener responds with stereotypical calmness trying diligently to appease me to convince that not take a deleterious action. “ please put down the razor blade try to calm down how long have you been feeling suicidal or depressed.” She utters in a unwavering calm manner as i acquiesce to her simple demand placing the blade on my blood stained lilo kitchen floor. I respond opening myself to another human being allowing for once an person into my inner world.
“ I have been living with this depression for years living with anxiety but for the past several months the hurt of existing has grown more severe. Everyday i think about killing myself. There’s nobody in my life who cares about me i am alone in the darkness i cant endure it anymore i just want to end the pain of my pathetic life” I break down and become inconsolable with rivers if sadness cascading down my face . My hands collapse into my tear drenched face I’m still encamped on the floor with arms coated in my blood i wait patiently for a response to my verbose declaration of my fractured psyche.
“Please calm down I’m listening to you understand there are people I’m certain in your life who care for you. I’m sure you have friends and family who would be devastated if you committed suicide” There was a uncomfortable silence as the amiable listener waited for my response. I responded barely able to articulate my thoughts with a voice stammering and quivering.
“Tttankyou for your www words i jjust nneeded somebody to talk to i know i need help that i need therapy i need to speak to my friends about my dire emotional state” I was amazed at how lucid i was in in my intoxicated suicidal mind space.

The listener realised her compassionate words had dissuaded me from ending my life that this was a despairing cry for help in the bleak hours of a Sunday morning. She concluded our brief conversation have sage words of advice.
“ I’m promising you that you’ll feel better in the morning. You’ve taken the first steps in dealing with your mental illness actually speaking to another person showing that bravery. I’m asking you to talk about your depression your anxiety with your mother and father they care for you and then take the next scary steps of speaking with a therapist who will ameliorate your condition. I’m proud of you that you put down the razor blade and can you please promise me you wont end your life” She concluded as I responded tentatively
“Thank you for hearing for taking my call for listening attentively to my lamentable words. Its so cathartic to talk to a stranger to realise I’m not alone in this cold world that somebody cares about me. Thank you mam I promise i wont kill myself”
We then in unison said our goodbyes as i terminated by 2am call to the Salvation Army Suicide hotline. I sat there for minutes afterwards on the floor with a strange feeling of elation pulsating in my body. I got up sauntered languidly to the bathroom and removed the dried blood stains from my hair and in my listless drunken stupor applied a profusion of disinfectant to my self infected wounds. Still with my pain receptors numbed from the excessive of alcohol i felt no pain. Walked to my bedroom deciding to mop up the excess of blood on my kitchen floor tomorrow.

I lay in my bed for minutes feeling like a human being that matters the loneliness had temporarily dissipated in that pivotal early morning interaction.

The Monster

It lives within me this beast this monster
It threatens to ruin me to devour me from the inside
When I’m in public when in unfamiliar situations the monster appears torturing me
It tells me I’m ugly I’m worthless I’m unlovable

The monster has rendered me ravaged shattered exhausted barely able to function
It blinded me with permanent states of dread with panic pulsating in my ageing bones
I cant stop worrying i cant go out anymore i cant sleep because of this pernicious monster that’s devouring my soul

I cant control this monster this cancerous organism that’s proliferated across my languid body and soul
Unable to look at myself in the mirror for fear of provoking this malicious monster
Fear of venturing outside fear of answering a phone call of taking a chance in life this monster will punish me for showing a modicum of bravery

I am rotting from the inside begging god to end my life
For years i have subsisted with this beast that lurks in the shadows of my subconscious
Now this monster has metastasised into a uncontrollable force that threatens my sanity
This monstrous villain has precluded me from having friends from experiencing the wonders of sex or falling in love this monster is my anxiety that is slowly poisoning me with the noxious fumes of this untreated disorder