I Wish

I wish i was beautiful
I wish I could laugh without angst
I wish i could look at myself in the mirror without seeing a ugly creature peering back at me
I wish i could socialise without being hindered by a deleterious social anxiety that is torturous

I wish i could extricate this anxiety from my body
I wish i could be cured of my depression that has a myriad of detrimental effects on my body and soul
I wish i could openly admit to friends and family the depths of my illness instead of hiding my pain my illness
I wish i was happy living a gregarious ebullient life unimpeded from my demons

I want to be comfortable in my own skin to be able to venture outside without the fear of a panic attack
I want to speak candidly with a therapist and ventilate my mental illnesses
I want to be able to partake in a date with a alluring young man without the fear the dread the constant self loathing

I want to fall in love to experience the ecstasy of physical and emotional intimacy i wish to be somebody else to feel like a human being instead of a freak who’s derided castigated by society

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The Strange Women At Flat Number 28

This beguiling eccentric women who resides at flat 28
A flat directly above me
I see her occasional saunter out of the block of flats
She walks with a weariness with a detached aloofness

We on rare moments came across each other
We exchange these monosyllabic awkward pleasantries
No long effusive conversations just stilted interactions
I want to know these alluring gothic nymph who exudes beauty and sadness

She’s so quiet and unassuming
Keeps to herself rarely venturing outside of her intimate enclave
Does she have friends is so in a relationship I don’t think so
She so blindingly attractive with her luscious flowing brunette hair and porcelain fragile skin

She is vulnerable i see it in her hauntingly melancholic emerald green eyes
Sometimes she acts so odd and erratic rushing home frantically even running on occasion
I fervently want to ask out this enchanting creature that in my mind is the perfect blend of vulnerability and physical beauty on a date
I want to knock on her door have her beckon me inside her private chamber and enjoy a evening of engaging conversation with alcohol music and romance i want to be romantically acquainted with my eccentric neighbour who lives directly above me

An Evening Of Fear And Loathing Part 3

Out of the shelter of my home I walk at a languid pace. I am traversing on a short journey to the local quaint Italian restaurant where i will meet my date Kyle in the flesh for the first time. Over many months we have incessantly conversed through the medium of twitter tinder and instagram. Now after being entranced by this wondrous vision of a man I’m going to meet him in a quiet Italian restaurant in close proximity to my home. The nerves are shooting round my body i feel that at any moment i might suffer another panic attack. I’m walking at a lethargic pace due to the level of stress that’s circulating round my body. Every footstep as approach the restaurant i can perceive my heart thumping it beating faster and faster. I am diligently trying to control my breathe talking deep breaths trying any methods to assuage the anxiety the fear of a intimate unfamiliar social setting gives me.

I walk at a slow pace i am careful to not arrive at the restaurant before the preplanned time. I want to arrive second but maybe 5 minutes late. The thought of arriving early having the torture of waiting for my date being all alone in m revealing black dress having all these judging prying eyes on me. That terrifies me I’d probably just leave then face the psychological ordeal of being all alone in a intimate restaurant waiting for my date to emerge into my life.

I can make out the agreed upon meeting place its at the end of the street the time says 8 o’clock on my phone. I hope and pray Kyle is there waiting patiently for me to arrive. The dread is building in me like a uncontrollable raging firestorm i have these anxious thoughts of Kyle seeing by emaciated pallid body and viewing my hideous face and walking out in horror. This idea has been ruminating in my damaged consciousness all day since I’ve been meticulously preparing for our date. I walk alone feeling unsafe needing to calm my fears somehow. Every incremental footstep intensifies the fear my legs are filed with concrete i am numb below my waist. Please god let me be fine i repeat in my head as a calming mantra . Then i arrive at my destination i am sweating my hands are shacking profusely stay calm try to maintain a semblance of normality i repeat silently. I enter the terrifying gates of the restaurant i am petrified rendered almost paralysed with the fear the adrenaline the nausea. I am inside the chamber i saunter to the hostess who directs me to my table where my lusciously attired date is awaiting my punctual arrival.

I walk with utter fear in my bones the paranoia the body dysmorphia has become pernicious as am trying to maintain a stoic normal exterior. I cant expose the tumult of anxiety lurking in my anxiety laden psyche. I arrive at my table with my date Kyle adorned in a sky blue long sleeved shirt and he is emitting a seductive aftershave aroma that overpowers my senses. I greet him with my shimmering red lips with a kiss on the cheek. We set down the nerves haven’t subsided its the fear the terminal fear i endure that never relents when I’m out of my safe space.

I sit down feeling incredibly self conscious more than usually in my revealing dress. The conversation is initially awkward as staid despite the incalculable online exchanges we’ve had over the preceding months. I’m trying assiduously to appear as a normal functioning adult not a quivering tightly wind neurotic mess. Kyle conducts the majority of the conversations in his loquacious effusive manner i remain laconic as the anxiety have frozen me up. Kyle is talking about his hopes for the future his dreams his hopes to be a mental health counsellor for the poor and maligned individuals. I’m impressed by his compassion by the kindness that radiates from his body. He isn’t here to flaunt his obvious good looks or to have sex with another women in a meaningless one night stand. Kyle actually cares for somehow beyond all logic finds me physically attractive. He repeatedly compliments my appearance tells me how attractive i am that what a stunning dress I’m wearing.

Despite this the anxiety never relents I’m perpetual in a state of terror attempting to avert a panic attack. The conversion is pleasant with me appearing ebullient in order to mask the pain of my social disorder. Inside is torture on the outside is a calm demeanour i am careful to smile to laugh at Kyle’s jokes. We consume a copious volume of white wine throughout the evening as i drink voraciously to mitigate the anxiety. The ameliorating socially uninhibiting effects of alcohol loosened me up to speak to feel the gushing of emotions from my body. Still the black cloud of anxiety hovered over me the self loathing the horror of being me stained the evening.

I ran making up a variety of excuses to the bathroom when i feared another harrowing panic attack. Escaping to the bathroom breathing heavily finding a modicum of privacy having my nerves satiated with a moment of privacy before I recommenced our date. I enjoyed the date the conversation the exquisite Italian cushiness the delectable wine we devoured but the torturous anxiety negated any pleasure from finally meeting up with Kyle. We ended the date we split the bill according to what we ordered I insisted despite Kyle’s protestations that we pay the bill. In my intoxicated state i was assertive enough to demand i pay my fair share of the bill.

We concluded our time at the restaurant i wanted desperately to be home to be alone despite me wanting to connect physically with Kyle. Kyle asked me vehemently if I wanted to go to a bar to continue the nights festivities i declined even though I was screaming on the inside to get closer to Kyle to carry on socialising with him. He even politely requested if he could walk me home again i declined. I worried that i came across as impolite or aloof or that i was turning down the sexually advances of him. In truth a mere several hours of prolonged social interaction had left me shattered wanting to be alone to be away from people. The fantasy of falling in love of having ecstatic sex with a perfect edifice of masculinity wouldn’t be actualised tonight. The weight the prevalence of my anxiety had precluded me from pursuing a night of pure carnal bliss.

After i politely declined there was a awkward moment of silence before we said our goodbyes. Kyle though in a act of spontaneity held my quivering arms caressed my soft porcelain face with his left hand. He then leaned in and kissed me tenderly on my crimson lips. I felt alive with pleasure the nerves briefly dissipated in that 30 second passionate embrace. We communicated our love for each other then after the kiss Kyle we hugged and said our goodbyes.

I walked home at a frenetic pace wanting the serenity of my room to feel safe. The anxiety now escalated as I walked home as i was alone in the cobbled streets. Walking home almost running the panic the dread the hell of the outside the unfamiliar setting with peopled castigating eyes looking down on me. I want to be in my room listening to soothing mediative music in my red jimjams. After several minutes of sweating i arrive at my private kingdom i enter the doorway run upstairs without saying anything to my housemates. Then i open my room lock the door start crying after the anxiety i then collapse on my bed and curl up in a fetal position. Its hell its torture i we’ll never escape my anxiety disorder. I can never accept another date from Kyle even despite his many charms his warm effusive gregarious personality. The dream of love of happiness of anything that resembles a normal life will remain a fantasy that only exists in my overreactive imagination

The Date

Tonight i take my first steps into the world of dating
I am terrified of being that vulnerable to have to be engaging and interesting for an entire evening
My date is his gorgeous intelligent perfect specimen of a man
Whilst I’m a homely invisible ugly women with deep untreated psychological scars

I am going to have to face my deep seated perennial fear of being intimate
The fear of being in the outside having to interact with a stranger who I may become my future soul mate
The fear the anxiety is palpable in my neurotic body as i prepare myself for a evening of possibilities
Will may date be overcome with boredom will we connect

I fear him finding me repulsive but also being put off by my introverted social awkward personality
I’m dreading having these staid monosyllabic conversations having no witty or interesting to verbalise with my perfect date
I dread suffering another panic attack in the midst of a date

I have dreamed of meeting a man such as this a Prince Charming who will beguile with his ebullient personality
I have fantasised of falling in love of another soul being entranced by my physical presence
Tonight I want these fantastical dreams to be actualised
I want to conquer my demons my self loathing my crippling social anxiety and fall in love with a luscious figure of masculine perfection

An Evening Of Fear And Loathing Part 2

Its 7 o’clock in the evening my body is pulsating with anxiety is i am mentally preparing for a date with Kyle. I have masked my glaring imperfections on my porcelain face by putting on my female war paint. I have only an hour before I rendezvous with my date with whom I’ve only corresponded with on instagram and tinder. Its been 6 months of daily interactions in which time we have formed a intimate connection. We became acquainted when he liked each other’s profile photo on tinder then slowly we flirted we shared information about each other. I was impressed with Kyle with the collection of images he displayed on tinder on his instagram. Theres no egoistical selfies in which he displays his immaculate muscular torso. There’s a absence of narcissistic photographs just a collage of demure images of his gorgeous face. Kyle enjoys taken photos of his art of his dog its what attracted me to him. His personality his view of himself appears to be the anthesis of the typical macho man on tinder or instagram looking for sex or a long term partner.

Kyle had been pleading with me for months to go on a casual no strings attached date with no pressure. Time and time again i had declined i was reticent to go out to meet this fantasy of a man in the flesh. The same neurotic thoughts circulated in my mind what if he thought i was ugly or worse boring. I also declined to partake in a evening of culinary delights and loquacious conversation with Kyle largely due to my crippling social anxiety which precludes from living a full rich social life. I made excuses saying i was working I used my university studies as a legitimate excuse as to why i was so hesitant to meet a man whom i was enamoured with. When i was repeatedly declining Kyle kind invitation i was desperate to overcome my fears my anxiety and go on a date with this photogenic chiselled creature. I wanted to finally go on a date to a fall in love to have euphoric sex with a perfect charming man.

The brutal reality of venturing outside going on a date is that there is a strong chance of me suffering another harrowing panic attack from the intense anxiety of the uncomfortable uncertain social setting. Even if I avoided a panic attack it would be a torturous experience with anxiety with a paranoia with the fear the disquietude of being on a date with Kyle. However the desire for love to end the alienation of being afflicted with a social anxiety body dysmorphia and long term depression is why I tentatively accepted this casual date in a quaint local Italian restaurant.

Before i departed from my room i laid on my bed smoked a cannabis joint and listened to calming classical piano music by Chopin. Inhaling this psychoactive mind altering substance and absorbing the melancholic music assuaged my fears and tranquillised briefly my nerves. I laid with my eyes fixed on the ivory ceiling in a mediative state. Then after 20 minutes of being stoned laying on my back i arose from my bed to clothe my scrawny body in the immodest black maxi dress which shows off my curves. Then i place my black ankle boots that perfectly complement my dress perfectly. I got out my large wall mirror which i had kept in my closet from the trauma of seeing my hideous deformed face. Then I applied another layer of seductive red lipstick and felt for once vaguely attractive. In my stoned spaced out mind I was careful to not spend too long scrutinising my appearance in the mirror. Its a momentary glance to check that everything was okay that my lipstick my makeup masked the blemishes the imperfections on my face. Even though it gave me a shudder of revulsion to look at myself i loved the ensemble of low cut black dress and black boots that showcased my curves.

The restaurant where had decided to meet up was in close proximity to my shared student home. Approximately a leisurely 10 minute walk according to google maps on my iPhone. Its 30 minutes still the agreed upon time for our first official date commences. I receive a text message from Kyle its says ❤️🍝🥂 see you in soon. After receiving this text i nervously and instantly respond with a succinct text of 👍. Then i peceive the anxiety surge in my body as am fully cognisant of the enormity of what i am undertaken tonight. This date might be the genesis of a beautiful enduring love story or i might be overcome with anxiety i stay hidden in my room feeling asphyxiated with anxiety attack. Once again i scroll through the collection of alluring image on Kyle instagram. It doesn’t dissipate my anxiety I realise how much more bewitching Kyle is with his perfect iridescent smile that radiates a joy a lust for love. I scroll through our communications i am struck by his charm by his nonthreatening messages.

I begin to breathe heavily and frantically as the time is ticking until our date commences. I’m on my knees with my head in my hands trying diligently to recapture my composure not know I’m saying repeatedly in my head as a mantra to avert another panic attack. It works after several minutes of rocking back and forth with my head in my sweating and unable to breathe freely I recover from a minor panic attack. I then get up fix myself try to remain calm stable stay to maintain a facade of normality i try to mask the interior universe of anxiety and self loathing that threatens to thwart my future happiness. I casually stroll outside my room say goodbye to my roommates and friends Sarah and Aisha. They both hug wishing me well on my excursion into the stormy waters of dating. I feel a brief moment of solace before i leave for my first real date as a adult women. Then i say my goodbyes with a tumult of unease rumbling in my empty stomach as i walk outside the sanctuary the safety of my house to the turbulence the disorder of the outside. Tonight i will have to face my social phobia to face my debilitating fear of the fear of the unknown of people of intimacy of extensive protracted conversation with a virtual stranger.

Breathless

I saw your photogenic image that captivated me that rendered me breathless
I glimpsed a immaculate vision of a man
With green emerald eyes of iridescent beauty that pierce into the caverns of my soul
I stared at your face i scrutinised the contours of your chiselled face
I was seduced by your tinder photographs i am transfixed by your beauty

You exist right now as a fantasy a dream of love
These idyllic visions of passionate sex float in my beguiled consciousness
I dream of outvoting first date of you actually finding me attractive and interesting
I dream of our adult bodies laying next to each other in heavenly states of physical intimacy

I swiped right i just hope and pray you reciprocate my liking my singular photo i have on tinder
I obsessively meditate on the collage of images of your heavenly body on tinder
Theres no flaws no cracks a perfect ivory smiled devoid of anxiety or ego
Theres no machismo selfies where you are flaunting you’re naked torso just demure images of your shaven face

You exist as a dream a vision of the impossibility of happiness
I want i need to overcome my crippling social anxiety and instigate a flirtatious conversation
I want to connect with stranger on tinder
I want this depression this adult alienation the emptiness to cease as a consequence of falling for you