Ugly Girl

I’m a ugly girl such a fucking ugly girl
Ugly enough to not want to exist
Hate the skin i live in this bag of bones devoid of shape
No man looks at me with a lustful gaze i am a invisible to all men

I’m so ugly i cant stand the way I appear in the mirror
My pallid tipex like skin no colour no effervescence in my vapid face
I am so painfully self conscious of my gnarled deformed teeth
Smiling is a onerous task hence i prefer to refrain from baring my grotesque fangs adopting a stoic visage rarely laughing or smiling at jokes

I hate the mirror it illuminates all my glaring flaws its why in eschew the bathroom mirror
I put my face to the ground when I’m in the bathroom brushing my hideous teeth
The sight of my face my unshapely body my flat unappealing breasts it engenders a deep melancholic sensation throughout the rest of the day

I hardly go out due to this intense self consciousness at my freakish presence
I don’t want to burden people with my revolting physical form
Don’t want to face the hell of their aghast reactions to interacting with me
I’m so god damn ugly never going to be the object of a libidinous glances i am cursed to be a outcast sequestered away in extreme isolation never to feel the bliss of physical intimacy

Advertisements

Rumbling In My Stomach

I see has angelic radiating face my heart flutters
My stomach rumbles with nervous excitement
He smiles at me with his immaculate iridescent smile
Why is he gazing at me i averted my gaze as his luscious emerald green eyes beguile me

When i see him at the coffee bar in the university campus I’m transfixed by his divine statuesque body
I always though blinded encumbered by a crippling social anxiety act aloof not wanting to reveal the tumult of amorous feeling flowing in my body
He gets me all hot and sweaty just thinking about him dreaming of the ecstasy of falling in love having sex with this ethereal creature

My stomach rumbles my hands shake with pure adrenaline
I cant contain my awkwardness my body overridden with anxiety
When he finally break the ice and exchange a few monosyllabic pleasantries the fear is overwhelming
I cant control my body i try to maintain a semblance of serenity of calmness in his vicinity
After this awkward exchange i almost collapse from the anxiety pulsating

I’m positive he’s only being kind and amiable in engaging in a brusque conversation with me
Why would he be attracted to a ugly loser like me
Look at him with his perfect flowing brunette hair and me with my unkempt messy appearance bereft of beauty
Still the dream of love of sex of emotional intimacy consumes me he’s forever in my thoughts

Death

Laying prostrate almost comatose in my bed dreaming of death
Sick and twisted thought are ruminating in my mind
I cant move from the pain of this depression i want death i want to be nothing
I am already dead as the emotion has been vanquished from my body as this dead sensation permeates my entire being

Dreaming of all the myriad of ways of dying
Dreaming of dying in my sleep to never awaken to a cold world that has forsaken me
I have nothing no love no real family friends never call anymore
All i have is the fantasy of not existing

I lay horizontal for hours with a body burdened with sadness musing about the concept of death to not exist
To be a dream a distant fading memory to be pure nothingness to be dust
I want death there’s no reason to carry on existing living so listlessly trudging through life in endless cycles of abject despair
In my darkest dreams i take the sweet pill of suicide and get taken away by a dark shadowy masked figure he takes me away from the land of the living into the serenity the nirvana of death

I Wish

I wish i was beautiful
I wish I could laugh without angst
I wish i could look at myself in the mirror without seeing a ugly creature peering back at me
I wish i could socialise without being hindered by a deleterious social anxiety that is torturous

I wish i could extricate this anxiety from my body
I wish i could be cured of my depression that has a myriad of detrimental effects on my body and soul
I wish i could openly admit to friends and family the depths of my illness instead of hiding my pain my illness
I wish i was happy living a gregarious ebullient life unimpeded from my demons

I want to be comfortable in my own skin to be able to venture outside without the fear of a panic attack
I want to speak candidly with a therapist and ventilate my mental illnesses
I want to be able to partake in a date with a alluring young man without the fear the dread the constant self loathing

I want to fall in love to experience the ecstasy of physical and emotional intimacy i wish to be somebody else to feel like a human being instead of a freak who’s derided castigated by society

The Strange Women At Flat Number 28

This beguiling eccentric women who resides at flat 28
A flat directly above me
I see her occasional saunter out of the block of flats
She walks with a weariness with a detached aloofness

We on rare moments came across each other
We exchange these monosyllabic awkward pleasantries
No long effusive conversations just stilted interactions
I want to know these alluring gothic nymph who exudes beauty and sadness

She’s so quiet and unassuming
Keeps to herself rarely venturing outside of her intimate enclave
Does she have friends is so in a relationship I don’t think so
She so blindingly attractive with her luscious flowing brunette hair and porcelain fragile skin

She is vulnerable i see it in her hauntingly melancholic emerald green eyes
Sometimes she acts so odd and erratic rushing home frantically even running on occasion
I fervently want to ask out this enchanting creature that in my mind is the perfect blend of vulnerability and physical beauty on a date
I want to knock on her door have her beckon me inside her private chamber and enjoy a evening of engaging conversation with alcohol music and romance i want to be romantically acquainted with my eccentric neighbour who lives directly above me

An Evening Of Fear And Loathing Part 3

Out of the shelter of my home I walk at a languid pace. I am traversing on a short journey to the local quaint Italian restaurant where i will meet my date Kyle in the flesh for the first time. Over many months we have incessantly conversed through the medium of twitter tinder and instagram. Now after being entranced by this wondrous vision of a man I’m going to meet him in a quiet Italian restaurant in close proximity to my home. The nerves are shooting round my body i feel that at any moment i might suffer another panic attack. I’m walking at a lethargic pace due to the level of stress that’s circulating round my body. Every footstep as approach the restaurant i can perceive my heart thumping it beating faster and faster. I am diligently trying to control my breathe talking deep breaths trying any methods to assuage the anxiety the fear of a intimate unfamiliar social setting gives me.

I walk at a slow pace i am careful to not arrive at the restaurant before the preplanned time. I want to arrive second but maybe 5 minutes late. The thought of arriving early having the torture of waiting for my date being all alone in m revealing black dress having all these judging prying eyes on me. That terrifies me I’d probably just leave then face the psychological ordeal of being all alone in a intimate restaurant waiting for my date to emerge into my life.

I can make out the agreed upon meeting place its at the end of the street the time says 8 o’clock on my phone. I hope and pray Kyle is there waiting patiently for me to arrive. The dread is building in me like a uncontrollable raging firestorm i have these anxious thoughts of Kyle seeing by emaciated pallid body and viewing my hideous face and walking out in horror. This idea has been ruminating in my damaged consciousness all day since I’ve been meticulously preparing for our date. I walk alone feeling unsafe needing to calm my fears somehow. Every incremental footstep intensifies the fear my legs are filed with concrete i am numb below my waist. Please god let me be fine i repeat in my head as a calming mantra . Then i arrive at my destination i am sweating my hands are shacking profusely stay calm try to maintain a semblance of normality i repeat silently. I enter the terrifying gates of the restaurant i am petrified rendered almost paralysed with the fear the adrenaline the nausea. I am inside the chamber i saunter to the hostess who directs me to my table where my lusciously attired date is awaiting my punctual arrival.

I walk with utter fear in my bones the paranoia the body dysmorphia has become pernicious as am trying to maintain a stoic normal exterior. I cant expose the tumult of anxiety lurking in my anxiety laden psyche. I arrive at my table with my date Kyle adorned in a sky blue long sleeved shirt and he is emitting a seductive aftershave aroma that overpowers my senses. I greet him with my shimmering red lips with a kiss on the cheek. We set down the nerves haven’t subsided its the fear the terminal fear i endure that never relents when I’m out of my safe space.

I sit down feeling incredibly self conscious more than usually in my revealing dress. The conversation is initially awkward as staid despite the incalculable online exchanges we’ve had over the preceding months. I’m trying assiduously to appear as a normal functioning adult not a quivering tightly wind neurotic mess. Kyle conducts the majority of the conversations in his loquacious effusive manner i remain laconic as the anxiety have frozen me up. Kyle is talking about his hopes for the future his dreams his hopes to be a mental health counsellor for the poor and maligned individuals. I’m impressed by his compassion by the kindness that radiates from his body. He isn’t here to flaunt his obvious good looks or to have sex with another women in a meaningless one night stand. Kyle actually cares for somehow beyond all logic finds me physically attractive. He repeatedly compliments my appearance tells me how attractive i am that what a stunning dress I’m wearing.

Despite this the anxiety never relents I’m perpetual in a state of terror attempting to avert a panic attack. The conversion is pleasant with me appearing ebullient in order to mask the pain of my social disorder. Inside is torture on the outside is a calm demeanour i am careful to smile to laugh at Kyle’s jokes. We consume a copious volume of white wine throughout the evening as i drink voraciously to mitigate the anxiety. The ameliorating socially uninhibiting effects of alcohol loosened me up to speak to feel the gushing of emotions from my body. Still the black cloud of anxiety hovered over me the self loathing the horror of being me stained the evening.

I ran making up a variety of excuses to the bathroom when i feared another harrowing panic attack. Escaping to the bathroom breathing heavily finding a modicum of privacy having my nerves satiated with a moment of privacy before I recommenced our date. I enjoyed the date the conversation the exquisite Italian cushiness the delectable wine we devoured but the torturous anxiety negated any pleasure from finally meeting up with Kyle. We ended the date we split the bill according to what we ordered I insisted despite Kyle’s protestations that we pay the bill. In my intoxicated state i was assertive enough to demand i pay my fair share of the bill.

We concluded our time at the restaurant i wanted desperately to be home to be alone despite me wanting to connect physically with Kyle. Kyle asked me vehemently if I wanted to go to a bar to continue the nights festivities i declined even though I was screaming on the inside to get closer to Kyle to carry on socialising with him. He even politely requested if he could walk me home again i declined. I worried that i came across as impolite or aloof or that i was turning down the sexually advances of him. In truth a mere several hours of prolonged social interaction had left me shattered wanting to be alone to be away from people. The fantasy of falling in love of having ecstatic sex with a perfect edifice of masculinity wouldn’t be actualised tonight. The weight the prevalence of my anxiety had precluded me from pursuing a night of pure carnal bliss.

After i politely declined there was a awkward moment of silence before we said our goodbyes. Kyle though in a act of spontaneity held my quivering arms caressed my soft porcelain face with his left hand. He then leaned in and kissed me tenderly on my crimson lips. I felt alive with pleasure the nerves briefly dissipated in that 30 second passionate embrace. We communicated our love for each other then after the kiss Kyle we hugged and said our goodbyes.

I walked home at a frenetic pace wanting the serenity of my room to feel safe. The anxiety now escalated as I walked home as i was alone in the cobbled streets. Walking home almost running the panic the dread the hell of the outside the unfamiliar setting with peopled castigating eyes looking down on me. I want to be in my room listening to soothing mediative music in my red jimjams. After several minutes of sweating i arrive at my private kingdom i enter the doorway run upstairs without saying anything to my housemates. Then i open my room lock the door start crying after the anxiety i then collapse on my bed and curl up in a fetal position. Its hell its torture i we’ll never escape my anxiety disorder. I can never accept another date from Kyle even despite his many charms his warm effusive gregarious personality. The dream of love of happiness of anything that resembles a normal life will remain a fantasy that only exists in my overreactive imagination

The Date

Tonight i take my first steps into the world of dating
I am terrified of being that vulnerable to have to be engaging and interesting for an entire evening
My date is his gorgeous intelligent perfect specimen of a man
Whilst I’m a homely invisible ugly women with deep untreated psychological scars

I am going to have to face my deep seated perennial fear of being intimate
The fear of being in the outside having to interact with a stranger who I may become my future soul mate
The fear the anxiety is palpable in my neurotic body as i prepare myself for a evening of possibilities
Will may date be overcome with boredom will we connect

I fear him finding me repulsive but also being put off by my introverted social awkward personality
I’m dreading having these staid monosyllabic conversations having no witty or interesting to verbalise with my perfect date
I dread suffering another panic attack in the midst of a date

I have dreamed of meeting a man such as this a Prince Charming who will beguile with his ebullient personality
I have fantasised of falling in love of another soul being entranced by my physical presence
Tonight I want these fantastical dreams to be actualised
I want to conquer my demons my self loathing my crippling social anxiety and fall in love with a luscious figure of masculine perfection