I Miss You Mum

6 years this week you killed yourself
It hurts like acid burning a hole in my stomach
I miss you think about you everyday
Miss your hugs your effusive hugs you bestowed upon me

I miss you mum i cry when I hear your funeral song
I shed a profusion of tears when I gaze at photographs of you on my phone
I yearn for one last chance one last moment to bask in the iridescence of your external love

Still can recall seeing your haunted eyes as you hung from the ceiling
That image is tattooed on my ravaged mind
The wounds of losing you so prematurely and tragedy will never heal
I will never recover from losing you from suicide the hole in my soul can never be filled

Mum i need you in the mire the moil of my depression
I call out for you in the starry night as i survey the majestic awe inspiring cosmos i think about the memories we shared
I mediate on the future memories that was denied by from your egregious decision to end your life to abandon your daughter in the turmoil of her anxiety laden adolescence

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The Darkest Day Part 3

After the priest powerful emotional soaring eulogy in which we rendered the funeral congregation to tears. My mums best friend since childhood Dorothy again delivered a funny poignant elocution filled with humorous anecdotes and lamenting the tragic untimely passing of her best friend. Then my father got up tentatively to recite a poem which encapsulated the despair he was feeling. To speak in front of a large audience was anathema to him. He was a shy reserved man who eschewed public displays of affection hence with great reluctance he acquiesced to the demands of his family myself and friends of my mum to deliver a poem before offering a few words on the loss. The priest beckoned him on to the pulpit as he sauntered languidly with his haunched downcast posture. I tried diligently to contain myself to maintain my austere persona. My father finally reached the pulpit where he began to speak in his characteristically quiet somber voice that displayed little to no emotion.

He spoke at the pulpit with his hands visibly shacking “ this is the hardest thing i ever done on the second worst day of my life. The worst day was when me and my lovely daughter discovered corrinas body hanging from the door frame in our living room. Before i recite my favourite poem in which i will be paying homage to the love of my life. I want to say a few words about losing corrina what she meant to me. I loved corrina i miss so much she brought such colour vitality into my life. I’m a quiet shy man but corrina brought me out of my shell and exposed to a life of endless possibilities. We shared almost 20 years of uninterrupted happiness and now its gone I’ll never again wake up to that divine women. Now have her hold my hand feel the warm embrace of her body. I cant believe i didn’t foresee the obvious signs of her depression”

Then for the first time in my 13 years i saw my dad shed a tear he began to whimper. He wiped a tear from his grief stricken face then blow his nose before composing himself to recite a poem i was left diminished by Paul Curtis

I was left diminished

When your light went out

It left a shadow on my soul

And my heart was left

As an empty vessel

By your absence

You now walk

In heavens light

Surrounded by Gods love

With angels song

On the scented air

As I sit cold and alone

In the home we shared

A place full of memories

Where once I felt so at home

Now I wish to be there no more

Reminded every waking moment

Of my cruel loss

So I sit alone and crave

The moment of my own passing

So our souls will be reunited

And we can be together once more

After he eloquently delivered this profound piece of prose he calmly walked from the pulpit to the front row to sit beside me. I managed somehow in my shell shocked paralysed mind to not break the ice and break open the dam. My father like myself was stoic and austere despite his powerful candid words. Then the funeral carried on with a series of musical numbers playing that interspersed the sorrowful speeches. Firstly dreams by the cranberries the song that played at my mum and dads wedding their first dance played after the priest uttered his eulogy. Then after my dads heartbreaking poetic recital my mums favourite musical composition Elgar cello concerto played by the eminent cellist Jacqueline du pre. I heard the powerful rendition of Elgar cello concerto reverberate inside the cavernous walls of this vast church. Every note felt like chards of glass in my ravaged soul. My hands shacked my lips quivered i put my ashen face to the floor to obscure the trauma that was denoted on my face. No tears just a pure vision of sadness that was on my face. Then finally the ordeal was over the main ceremony was over the music concluded as we would now witness the hell of seeing my mums casket being lowered into the ground.

The designated pall bearers went outside to the hearse which was situated in close proximity to my mums gravesite. They walked in unison all adorned in black funeral attire and grabbed a hold of my mums funeral casket as the mourners had now congregated to the gravesite to witness the sacred burial of my mum. As the pall bearers where straining to carry the casket the priest was waiting to deliver his final remarks before my mums body would be laid to rest. I was stood adjacent to my father we locked arms as the wooden bespoke casket was lowered into the ground. No burning of my mums body a sacred burial in accordance with my mums wishes that was delineated in her verbosely worded suicide note. I stared intensly at the casket unable to process my grief i was still in a state of shock. Wanting to veil my pain not able to exhibit a emotion as I witnessed flowers that adorned my mums casket. Then the priest made his final remarks i couldn’t hear his words sounds came out of his mouth my body was faint i felt the colour drain away. I saw in my fractured mental state a black and white vision as the priest spoke i wasnt fully present. I looked around and saw an array of despondent faces. Tears and bloodshot eyes whilst I felt like a ghost feeling this sickness lurking inside of me wanting to be released. However in my emotionally repressed personality i was constitutionally unable to display a modicum of sadness. Mouths moved words were said i heard nothing my mind lost concentration i thought of vivid images of my mum holding me hugging me kissing me goodnight.

I came back from my daydream of my idyllic childhood that was lost forever to see the religious ceremony commemorating a life of my mum had concluded. It was over the hell now i had life the rest of my life my tumultuous adolescence without my mums guidance. The attendees retreated back to our suburban respectable home for the absurdity of a post funeral party. I wanting nothing more than to retreat into the isolation of my room.

Mother

Gone forever existing as a fading memory
Death by suicide can still visualise your sad listless eyes
Mother i will never forget about you
You’re indelible illuminating presence is embedded in my damaged mind

There was once bitterness and anger at losing you in the apex of my adolescence
Now though its been replaced by a excruciating sadness a pang of melancholy
I want to glimpse your face to feel your loving arms wrapped around my shoulders one last time
I want that so fucking badly i want your love but you’re gone evaporating into nothingness

Your ethereal otherworldly beauty endures in these happy childhood memories and the assortment of photos i hang on my bedroom wall
Still without you i have a eternal emptiness a hollow in the pit of my soul
I can see your iridescent emerald green eyes with your fiery auburn hair captivating everyone who was blessed with your presence
I can hark back to holidays in the south of England with you and daddy holiday filled with laughter with days that ill will never forget

Mother I want you tonight i want you to alleviate mu depression
I want you to dry my tear soaked face
I want that boundless unconditional love
Mother i will never grief or recover form losing you at the fragile age of 13

The Darkest Day Part 2

After a eternity as me and my grieving stoic father sat languidly in the funeral car directly behind the hearse containing my mothers decaying corpse. Then the rest of the funeral attendees got inside their respective vehicles and we could proceed to the church. It was a long arduous journey as we travelled at a agonising snaillike pace. My father and i sat in complete silence never uttering a single word to each other. I just sat with my haunted eyes observing the grim bleak landscape of my hometown on a drab soggy October morning. I looked at the heavens no sign of sun just a skyline covered entirely with bleak grey clouds threatening to erupt in a torrential downpour at any moment. For now though as we traversed to the church the rain ceased falling. My eyes were fixed on the road not wanting to look into the abyss of sadness that was my fathers despairing eyes.

I could see the church appearing on the road ahead. Dread and anxiety permeated my entire body i tried diligently to hold back the tears not show the world my father my family my mums friends the depths of my pain. My empty stomach rumbled i felt faint as if I could collapse or throw up at any moment. The colour drained from my face my hands were shacking i tried to maintain a control of my body despite the horrific reality of witnessing my mums funeral at the tender age of 13. My didn’t seem to notice my mini anxiety attack or a feeling of nausea i managed to conceal that from him. He was too lost in the darkness of his tortured mind living in his head pretending to camouflage his emotions by maintain a austere veneer.

He pulled up outside the church the hearse was their my mums body inside the funeral car. I looked at it intensely as the cavalcade of funeral mourners descended on the church to attend a forlorn religious ceremony. Again i felt overcome with a weakness i gritted my teeth bit my lip to hold back the waterfall of emotion that wanted to be get out. However i was a stereotypical middle class repressed english girl who was constitutionally unable to disclose my pain. Like my father and mum I concealed my emotional torment in the recesses of my fractured psyche.

Then it began the designated pallbearers we’re ready to carry my mums funeral casket into the church I looked at the casket with horror then i was told kindly by my father to go inside the church and sit in the front row. I walked inside this cavernous majestic church in my black gothic dress feeling so vulnerable. My lips quivered as i sauntered inside not knowing what to do with my body or how appropriately conduct myself. I perceived all these eyes on me judging my comportment on this dreadful occasion. Finally I reached my destination on the front row with my Irish grandparents from my mums side and my mums sister for company. Then i heard the sound of the pallbearers including my father struggling to carry my mums cumbersome casket. They huffed and puffed carry it under great strain but eventually were successful in carrying the casket onto the altar situated behind the priest. My father sat next to me as this scared solemn ceremony began. The priest gave a eloquent impassioned eulogy paying homage to my mum a charismatic affable extrovert who died so a tragically at the tender age of 39. He lamented her passing in his opening remarks as the fellow mourners were brought to tears with his kind words.

The priest said “Receive the Lord’s blessing. The Lord bless you and watch over you. The Lord make his face shine upon you, and be gracious to you. The Lord look kindly on you and give you peace; In the Name of the Father, and of the Son + and of the Holy Spirit.”Congregation: ” Amen.”

Then he delivered his poignant remarks that moved the majority of the congregation to tears apart from me who was paralysed with shock throughout the duration of this ceremony.

The priest said “. We are gathered here today to pay homage to the live of corrina wood who died tragically at the age of 39. She died unexpectedly in her home. Corrina was a warm affable women who brought colour and light into the lives of anybody she became acquainted with. She is survived by a loving respectable husband and a loving daughter. He cannot hide or deny the tragedy of her death to die so young not in her sleep or from a terminal illness but from self inflicted death. We must not resort to anger at her desperate decision to end her life. We cannot be laden with guilt at not recognising the signs of her internal pain. We must honour her life cherish the happy memories of a well lived enrich life. Friends and family of corrina must not let her memory fade away always carry her indelible memories in her hearts. I as a priest do not blame castigate corrina for her decision to end her life i feel a weight of immense sadness at losing a fellow parishioner. We have to remember all the joy the love she bestowed upon all of us. We must see the death of corrina as a example that life is finite precarious and precious. It will be over sooner than we think that whilst we are alive we must be diligent in savouring the luscious fruits of life and taking time to smell the roses. Yes today and the coming weeks months we will mourn the lamentable passing of corrina but never forget her memory the iridescent light she shone her devotion to her family. Her assiduous commitment to help the poor through her tireless charity work and her passion for music. Their are countless stories I’ve heard of past students that corrina vehement love of classical music impacted their life. I’ve heard anecdotes from family members of her infinite love impacted their life. I conclude this initial eulogy in never forget corrina whether you’re a lifelong friend or a dotting husband or loving daughter or a distant relative”

He concluded his impassioned unrestrained emotional charged erudite eulogy I looked around and saw a sea of teary eyed mourners. Whilst I wanted desperately to unleash my grief but remained a austere demure demeanour holding back the tears. My father like myself kept his lip stiff never breaking the stoic persona. I was paralysed with shock unable to adequately process the grief feeling almost catatonic. Wanting to escape the hell of witnessing my mothers funeral at the tender fragile age of 13…….

Daddy Please Don’t Shed Any Tears At My Funeral

Daddy don’t cry don’t mourn for when I’m gone
As the priest reads my funeral eulogy don’t lament my passing
As the music reverberates in the cavernous church stay stoic and austere
Please don’t cry don’t mourn for a life bereft of meaning or purpose

Soon i will be gone the black dog of depression is poisoning me
Its close till I hang myself just my mum
I no longer can bare the hell of being alive
This world is a cauldron of suffering and my soul is being crushed in the flames in nightmare of life

Theres no love no hope the emotion has vanished from me
Nobody cares for me so daddy don’t you grief my loss
Im a vapid waste of a person who’s destined doomed to be a mere statistic a sad story
Soon i will fade into the long night of death and dissolve into dust

Daddy its over the love the promise the lustrous bright lights of this world have disappeared
Now at the age of 23 i want death i desire to cease breathing
Theres nothing left to live for the flickering lights of my soul will shortly be extinguished in the brutal finality of death
Don’t want you to spend days weeks months years ravaged with despair at my untimely suicidal passing forget at me my life is a insipid endeavour

Dear Arya

I am writing this email to you to notify you of a few important momentous details that have been occurring in my life. Rather than have a brief phone interaction with i thought i could detail the events coming up in my life that you as my beloved daughter have a right to know about. In a phone conversation or in person i find it tremendously arduous to eloquently articulate my emotions. As you know I’m a shy reserved man who rarely conveys his inner feelings hence the medium of email is beneficial to a man who’s reticent in displaying his emotions.

I am sending you this email to tell you I have recently met a beautiful women called Maria who’s has revitalised me given a renewed lust for life. We have only been going out for a few months and am ashamed that I concealed our romance from you. Its the first time since the death of your mother that I have felt the joy of being alive.

I have written this email to inform you that we intend to get married shortly next year. I know its might seem rash and hasty to be taking such a sacred commitment after only seeing Maria for a short period of time. However I’m 45 life is short and i want to be happy to spend the rest of my life with this wonderful women. I also would love if you could spend the weekend at our old home and spend a blissful weekend with me and Maria. I’m sure you’ll be as armoured with Maria as i was. She is a resplendent effervescent women who’s made me come alive once again.

I know we don’t talk a lot about the death the harrowing suicide of Mary your mum 6 years ago now. We hardly even bring her up in conversation on the sporadic moments we converse. In those 6 years I’ve been desperately alone wanting another chance at happiness. I don’t like to divulge my inner most feelings to anybody I’m like you a pathological introvert. I miss Mary so much she’s constantly on my mind and there’s this deep sadness and regret that I didn’t notice the glaring signs she was suffering under the weight of depression. I know me meeting another women greeting married for the 2nd time might seem strange please I’m beseeching you to be happy for me. Don’t think I’m omitting the abiding memory of Mary from my life. Her memory will never fade from me her kindness her infinite love will never leave me.

This is the first time i have actually been so candid about my feelings my grief that transpired after Mary suicide and funeral. I wish we could have been more honest about our shared pain. We are two peas in a pod hampered with a inability to express our deepest emotions.

I been ruminating about Mary how she killed herself how i wasn’t cognisant of the symptoms of her lifelong depression. Thinking about that within the context of you and want to tell you if you’re suffering from depression don’t be afraid to pick up the phone and contact. I’m sure you’re a well adjusted beautiful young women who’s living a encircling full life. However the experience of Mary has made me realise that a lot of people afflicted with depression are adept at hiding their psychosis. I don’t want to lose my only daughter my only child i want to see you more frequently even though your residing in Cambridge living your aspiration to become a published eminent writer. We should talk more or make a firm commitment to dialogue at least once a week share our thoughts our experiences in our personal lives.

The wedding is scheduled next year so there’s enough time for you to become intimately acquainted with Maria. Enough time for Maria to become bored with a middle aged accountant still i cant wait for the wedding day. However the topography of my future appears promising with lush pastures and wild vitas of love waiting to be explored by myself and my future wife. I want you to be a intrinsic part of that journey even as you gain some autonomy and venture into the world. Hopefully one day in the near distant future i will get to walk you down the aisle to see you wed to the man of your dreams.

I can imagine seeing your mum watching from heaven with a tear in her eyes witnessing her angelic daughter finding happiness. Still i hope you can be happy for me that after these long 6 years of misery of loneliness I have granted from the heavens a second chance at happiness on this planet.

I have sent a letter to your address its a simple invitation to the wedding its a simple rsvp. Its details the date the location of the church and the post wedding reception venue. I’m positive you will be able to attend this hallowed religious ceremony you don’t have to feel obligated to attend but you’re are my own child my precious baby. There’s another piece of salient information i need to impart upon you. Maria even though shes never had the pleasure of meeting you has vehemently requested that you would agree to be one of her bridesmaids.

I just not only fallen in love with Maria but concurrently become enamoured with emails i know i sound like such a middle aged old geezer. I find that in not having to speak face to face i can communicate my rawest emotions without the awkwardness of my characteristic laconic manner. We need to talk though just text me a appropriate time when we can have a prolonged conversation via phone. We have a myriad of topics to talk about the wedding your job your life Maria and our thoughts on your mum. We need to finally have a honest conversation about your mums suicide how that was a detriment to our life how i suffered how it adversely impacted you throughout your adolescence.

Your loving father hope you arefeeing fit and well