Shadows And Tall Trees

Outside my bedroom window all i see is the shadows
A melancholic scenery of autumn trees
No sign of life no colour a absence of humanity in my secluded residence
I am alone sequestered away yearning for human contact to assuage my depressed anxiety laden malaise

All alone at home with the silence that terrifies me
No noise apart from the occasional distant echo traffic
I listen to tranquillising mediative classical music to dull my senses
I pour shot after shot of potent whisky to escape my wretched forlorn reality

Then staring intensely outside my window at the nighttime panorama i shed tears
I am alone without love without friendship wanting a hug a random act of kindness to rekindle my fading humanity
I am already dead waiting to die waiting the inevitable death to end my bleak vapid existence

The loneliness of my life with my untreated depression my social anxiety is slowly poisoning
I can feel the noxious fumes corrupt corrode my lust for life
I used to have dreams to have gleaming with fantastical visions of a illustrious future now i am a sad pathetic twenty something wanting death to end this lonely desolate life i am living

Still i glare at the flickering incandescent light that flicker with life
Inside my abode there is a darkness and walls that howl with despair

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Subhuman

On the outside peering in never feeling human
I see lovers kissing i see people laughing luxuriating in the fruits of life
People comfortable in their own skin having no anxiety no disquiet
Whilst i am a outcast a other a subhuman consumed by self loathing

I am not of this world not meant to fall in love
Happiness eludes me in a sad form life devoid of physical intimacy
I have friends but am unable due to the impediments of my personality from falling in love or experiencing the ecstasy of sex
I fantasise about having a lover caressing my body being taken to new realms of euphoric bliss

I will never have that illusionary vision of love
My life is a life permeated with loneliness
Nights spent alone in my dank decrepit flat
I shed tears as I sink deeper into the mire into the rut of suicidal depression

My body dysmorphia my self loathing precludes from tasting the luscious fruits of the world
I am cursed to be on the outside to wander aimlessly the alienated wilderness of my adulthood
A subhuman freak who makes other humans shudder with horror at my repulsive physical appearance
My face my eyes my body my entire essence devoid of grace of beauty my personality condemns me to terminal torturous loneliness

Suicidal Fantasies

In the mire of my terminal depression and deep alienation i have sick fantasies
I fantasise a myriad of ways i could kill myself
I envision slashing my wrists having a tsunami of blood spraying on the walls
Seeing my body seething in pain with a profusion of blood in a grisly end to a pathetic lamentable life

There are other dark visions of my untimely demise
I think about overdosing on a pernicious cocktail of opiates
Seeing my body drift away into permanent slumber into the vast nothingness
To end this torture of being alive being afflicted with a daily onslaught of anxiety and suicidal depression

The most preferable manner of suicide I have surmised is a slow hanging
I want the pain I want to suffer in a final cat of brutal machoism
First i will lacerate my body with a multitude of wounds then i will hang from my ceiling
I want to die slowly with the final minutes listening to ethereal classical music to send me off

I imagine not being discovered for weeks possible months
As my corpse rots with my body only being discovered by neighbours with the pungent odour of my decaying body
My end will be even sadder as it will highlight the depths of my alienation my isolation
This is how foresee dying and being found by a neighbour or a distant friend who will be horrified by the macabre scene of my flat asa my gnarled decomposing body is hanging from the ceiling after months leaving behind only a succinctly worded suicide note

Dead

No emotion no colour no feeling in my weary bones
I am dead waiting to die feeling nothing existing as a ghost
I meander through life aimlessly in languid zombie like states of numbed despair
I am dead i have become death

The emotion the insatiable slug for life has faded away
The desire for love the dreams are now but dust fantastical illusions
I want nothing more to die to cease to be
Oh to die to end the terminal onerous pain of my pointless existence

Other people exude life and joy
They emit vibrant colours whilst i am this back and white monochrome dulled
A vacant vapid empty shell of a human being
Theres nothing inside of me just a vast emptiness

I used to dream to cry profusely to laugh with friends
Now I’m this laconic withdrawn freak who holds all my pain on the inside
This injurious mental illness my suicidal inclinations have conquered me have slowly corrupted my body and soul
Now i ache for death I dream of a myriad favourable ways of ending my forlorn life i dream of being but a fading sad memory instead of a sad young adult who’s silent screams of emotional torment are unheard in this cold godless universe

The Mask

My mask my mask of femininity its wears me it binds it cages me
Unable to take off this mask to be vulnerable to show my true feelings
My mask keeps my pain my disorders a secret
I wear it as a protection to shield me from humanity

Its a mask a veneer of a halcyon demeanour
I project a false image of normality
Its a fake persona that allows me to keep the anxiety the self loathing hidden behind the walls of my repressed mind
The mask hides the silent screams of abject desolation

Behind this metaphorical mask is waves of sadness that endure
In my mind i face a daily torture of anxiety barely able to function
Due to the mask my stoic exterior other people are completely ignorant of the depths of my suffering

The mask is a protection blanket I wear when I interact with people
Its my camouflage to keep my mental illness hidden inside my introverted english mind
The mask shows no tears no sadness no displays of melancholia
Inside this mask I’m dying I’m screaming to divulge my secrets my anxiety to anybody but I’m too petrified to reveal my darkness so i project a false facade of light

Ugly

Ugly on the inside as i am on the outside
Inside I’m gnarled i hate myself
Inside there lurks a darkness that remains unexpressed
A sadness a wound that is slowly killing me

On the outside is a grotesque perversion of a human being
I lack beauty i lack any positive human attribute
I am a social leper discarded by society left to rot on the outskirts of society
I am a creature cursed to be alienated to never have love or happiness in my vacuous life

Ugly as I glare in my cracked dusty mirror
I stare forlornly with my haunted listless eyes
I shudder I shiver in revulsion at this image of a women that is transposed in my mirror
Theres no light no radiating beams of joy only a empty ravaged soul waiting for the sweet emancipation of death

I wander these cobbled ancient streets
I am invisible a phantom ignored by all the luscious photogenic young men
I’m not their to them i am a sexless freak that largely ignored
I see their repulsed eyes on the rare instances I catch their disparaging cold scowls it haunts it makes fell worthless so ugly not human like a subhuman monster not meant to find love

An Evening Of Fear And Loathing Part 1

Tonight’s the night when i will force myself to overcome my fears my crippling social anxiety and go on my first date in nearly 4 years. It will be my first official date as a adult women and I’m overcome with terror and excitement at the thought on embarking on a date with a man I’ve only interacted with on tinder. My previous dates were when i was a precocious adolescent who wasn’t inflicted with a crippling social anxiety but was a shy awkward teenager. I can recall going to the cinema or bowling with teenage crushes but nothing really happened on these innocent teenage dates.

Today though at the tender age of 19 i am going on my first date in nearly 4 years. I have spent the past years never having the gumption to ask men whom I’m sexually armoured with on a date. I have lost my virginity in a handful of drunken one night stands in meaningless promiscuous sexual encounters. Now i want something real to cultivate a emotional connection with another soul that’s why i finally taken the plunge and going out facing my fears and actually going on a date.

The date is tonight i have intercommunicated with this individual who calls himself Kyle who is 21 years old. I looked at the entire gamut of his tinder and instagram photos I am enticed by his physical appearance. He wasn’t trying to hard there is no shirtless selfies no thirst trap cringe inducing photographs but casually confident images that projected to me a self assured confidence and unusual degree of earnestness. In our multitude of messaging conversations over the preceding months i built up an idea of how this man is what is personality is. He isn’t a stereotypical tinder egomaniac machismo man he appears to be a amicable kind considerate young man.

When I first set my tinder profile and uploaded a variety of my finest photographs that projected a positive image of myself to prospective male suitors i was filled with apprehension and enormous anxiety. Still the anxiety remains but i feel I have made enormous strides in overcoming my social phobia. Being on tinder has given me these moments of enormous validation of myself where men are actually attracted to me. I’ve had a horrible negative opinion on myself seeing myself as a hideously deformed freak who no man in their right man would find alluring. As well as suffering from a pernicious social anxiety i also suffer since i was a teenager from body dysmorphia. This means I have a severely altered perception of my physical attractiveness than other humans. I eschew most normal social functions never am able to peer at myself in the mirror because of how horrified i am at the ghastly image that appears in the mirror. The body dysmorphia is why I remain perennially single alone without love without sex. The thought of physical or emotional intimacy is terrifying to me to be that vulnerable with another person especially a person you have profound feelings for.

In spite of the paralysing social anxiety the self loathing the neurotic fears that circulate in my psyche I prepare myself for this date with Kyle. Kyle is a 21 year old training to be a mental health counsellor he lives within the local area of Cambridge a town where i am studying and residing. He live within 10 miles of each other so meeting up for a rendezvous is easy as he live in close proximity to each other. After many months of talking sharing photographs casual flirting talking profusely online about our interests we have finally set a date for our first physical in the flesh meeting. Tonight we will meet up at the local Italian restaurant within the Cambridge town centre. It’s a modest Italian restaurant that’s well within our price range. I a struggling student living on a meagre budget supplemented by my part time job at a local bookshop can ill afford to fork out on a lavish night out in a prestigious restaurant. Hence he agreed to meet up in this reasonable but charming Italian restaurant called Pinocchios for a night of engaging flirtatious conversation complemented with liberal quantities of alcohol.

Its 6 o’clock in the evening i am diligently getting ready for a night of possibilities. The anxiety is off the scales i can hardly breathe i am at risk of suffering another traumatic harrowing panic attack. The idea of making myself beautiful of going out into the cruel world with judgemental people with my slender body on show and having to appear interesting and charismatic to a prospective lover is filling my heart with terror with disquiet. The fear at what could transpire on this night the humiliation the possibility of a anxiety attack in public is constant. I can’t rid myself of the fear the loathing that is pulsating in my neurotic consciousness as I soak my homely disfigured body in the bath. I have meticulously prepared the appropriate attire that i will clothe my body in. I purchased several week ago a sender low cut black maxi dress which i purchased in the unlikely scenario of me going out on a date. Tonight I will wear this alluring beguiling dress that hopefully will convince Kyle that i am a beautiful women. Hopefully he will look past all my glaring physical imperfections and see this beguiling dress.

I remove my body out of the wet hot steaming bath now i am shaking with nerves barely able to walk or hold by electric toothbrush from the anxiety that’s radiating round my body. I frantically brush my teeth trying assiduously to keep my toothbrush steady in my mouth. I grimace with horror as I glimpse my gnarled visage in the bathroom mirror. This pallid ghostlike person that is looking at me fills me with loathing and disgust. I think to myself how is this person going to convince a kind interesting young man to fall in love with her. I disappear from the bathroom feeling refreshed and revitalised washing away all that filth and sickness from my body. Now i can hide myself in the fortress of my room wherein i can plaster my face in my feminine war paint in order to conceal to obscure my flaws my cracks. Hopefully with enough war paint i can by some miracle appear beautiful to Kyle.