Lost My Faith In God

Once upon a time i used to be a vehement vociferous believer in god
I would habitually attend church on a Sunday
I would carry the crucifix round my neck
Every night I would say a prayer recite passages from the new a testament

When my mother died when the genesis of my depression began
It was religion it was god that gave me solace that assuaged my sadness my suicidal predilections
Now at 23 that faith that adamant sanguine faith has eroded
The depression that panic attack the anxiety has grown more severe and god the church has forsaken me in my time of need

The iridescent light of religion has faded away
Now these once profound verses these teachings of Jesus ring hollow in my dejected mind
I cry at night god never answers my hollows of despair
Tears flow nobody up there seems to care

Right now I believe there is no god no almighty divine creator
The world my life is permeated with such misery such pain for a benevolent being to actually exist
Its been over a year since attended mass the last time was a harrowing experience
The once poignant words from a priest meant nothing to me years of depression of alienation has erased my faith in god in humanity


Tears Of Rage

Mother why have you forsaken me
I was only 13 you left my life forever
Suicide that my fragile heart shattered irrecoverably damaged
I cried tears of rage night after night in the aftermath of your untimely demise

God why have you let this tragedy transpire
Why didn’t you shelter my mother from the tumultuous storms of her emotional torment
Why didn’t you assuage her pain with comfort
Why did you let this happen what benevolent omnipotent being would let a mother kill herself at such a tender age

The rage hasn’t abated its a rage at god at my mother
I feel robbed of the love she would have bestowed on me
Growing up with my struggles without the radiance of her maternal love
My mothers harrowing suicide has scared forever

I keep a shrine to my mum in my bedroom
Once a month i dedicate a night where i compose poetry
Listen to music that evokes memories of my mum and look at a collection of photographs of my mum ravishingly beautiful photogenic face
On these special nights of mournful remembrance in which with a tsunami of tears I reminisce of the fading memories and dream of seeing her face feeling here hug and kiss me for one last time

The Wedding

Had to attend my fathers second wedding
It was torture having to hide my anxiety my severe depression
Forcing a insincere smile on staged photographs
Pretending to be happy for my father pretending to be happy to be alive

The social anxiety i endured was onerous
I disappeared for hours in the toilet shacking twitching breathing heavily
I hid all these deep seated psychological problems from my odious family
I put on a mask of serenity appeared like a sanguine young adult who was happy my father was remarrying

I hated the entire false antiquated spectacle of marriage
Hated that it was set in a choice a edifice of the lies of religion of the promise of eternal bliss
I hate the concept of love finding a soul mate it utter bullshit

The 12 hours of hell putting on a constricting demure dress having strangers gawping at my body
Feeling so judged for my appearance having distant relations judging my odd behaviour
My father has found a new wife after 10 years after my mother committed suicide
He’s forgotten her life abandoned her its as if she was never born he never talk about mother and on the wedding we barely said two words to each other
I pretended to be happy for him really I don’t care I want to be alone to suffer in silence and extricate family from my life forever

Terminal Depression

Can’t shake this pain
It makes my bones ache with sadness
I can barely walk i can barely function its so excruciating to live with
This depression this pain is terminal its like having a cancer infecting you’re entire body

One day i will awake and be unable to carry on living this way
One day i will end my life the pain of being me will grow so severe suicide will be the only plausible path to banish this pain
This day is coming soon the anxiety the loneliness the weight of this severe depression is slowly crushing my fragile soul
I cut myself in masochistic act to feel my pain i write poetry as forlorn acts of self expression all to no avail the pain the cancer only metastasises in my mental ill psyche

Oh lord rid me of the suffocating existential malaise of being me
I want to expunge the depression to be normal to be happy to fall in love
I want to liberated from the chains of my depression i want to be glad to be alive
I will never have these fantastical illusions i am doomed to be tortured by this untreated terminal depression until one day i will have to end my life to end the psychological torture of being me

Faith In God

God and the bible is a source of immense comfort to me
In dark times when i am lost in the bleak vast wilderness
When I traverse the valley of darkness this ancient gospel gives me comfort
The profound teachings of Jesus that is eloquently elucidated in the bible warms my tender fragile heart

The bible since my mothers untimely tragic demise has kept me alive
I read passages of the bible to myself when i am doubting my faith in god in myself in humanity
When i am overcome with suicidal thoughts the preachings the values of love and forgiveness that is espoused in the King James Bible is a panacea to my agonising emotional pain
Its the new gospel that i tirelessly read to ward of the black wolves from the door

When i awake wanting to end my life to read a passage gives me light
The teachings of god and Jesus is like a harm hug from a invisible friend
Its a iridescent hallucinogenic light that elevates me from my terminal loneliness
My relationship with Jesus with my catholic faith is a private one i never go to church or opine to friends abkiut my faith I pray daily in the morning and before i sleep its a therapeutic private act that mitigates the pain of my untreated mental illness