Anxiety

My body is permeated with disquiet
My thoughts are cloudy my mind racked with fear
I cant control my breathe as I breathe erratically when I’m in public
People stare at me the anxiety intensifies i fall down a black hole of sadness

On the outside i never feel safe I’m alone terrified of a panic attack
I take long breathes to maintain my breathing cycle
I diligently try to maintain a veneer if sanity whilst on the inside I’m crying I’m screaming
In the midst of my injurious anxiety i yearn i ache for the euphoria of solitude

This pernicious anxiety disorder is detrimentally affecting the quality of my life
I cant cultivate romantic relationships due to my acute social phobia
I habitually turn down ardent calls for nights out with close confidants over the anxiety i will endure on a night of socialising of fraternising
I am alone in the darkness unable to articulate to vent my pain of this anxiety

I get pernicious attacks on a monthly basis
Its a horrifying ordeal when i am afflicted with a random panic attack
I cant breathe i collapse to the floor i think I’m dying
Then there’s a profusion of tears i secrete from my eyes after the hell of a panic attack its constant never ending torture I face day after day unable too function unable to live a full gregarious ebullient life

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Dead

No emotion no colour no feeling in my weary bones
I am dead waiting to die feeling nothing existing as a ghost
I meander through life aimlessly in languid zombie like states of numbed despair
I am dead i have become death

The emotion the insatiable slug for life has faded away
The desire for love the dreams are now but dust fantastical illusions
I want nothing more to die to cease to be
Oh to die to end the terminal onerous pain of my pointless existence

Other people exude life and joy
They emit vibrant colours whilst i am this back and white monochrome dulled
A vacant vapid empty shell of a human being
Theres nothing inside of me just a vast emptiness

I used to dream to cry profusely to laugh with friends
Now I’m this laconic withdrawn freak who holds all my pain on the inside
This injurious mental illness my suicidal inclinations have conquered me have slowly corrupted my body and soul
Now i ache for death I dream of a myriad favourable ways of ending my forlorn life i dream of being but a fading sad memory instead of a sad young adult who’s silent screams of emotional torment are unheard in this cold godless universe

Heart Of Gold

I keep on searching through the mire the moil for a heart of gold
A beautiful soul who will elevate me who will transform me
To fall in love to connect spiritually with a charismatic man of my dreams
In the purgatory of my depression in my loneliness i never give up hope

This man exists in my vast imagination
He has flowing dark brown hair
Blue eyes like the ocean that are piecing that gaze into the windows of my soul without fear or artifice
He has a immaculate iridescent effusive smile

He laughs at my jokes and brings me joy with his amenable personality
He smiles frequently has no qualms about being vulnerable or earnest
His warm ebullient personality allows me to be open to confess my struggles with anxiety with depression
When i break down and cry talking about my depression he hugs me intensely he makes me feel like a women a human being that’s loved

This man with a heart of gold exist somewhere in this vast metropolis
He surely resides on this planet hopefully fortuitously our stars will cross
I want to taste his honeyed luscious lips
I want to feel the warmth of his body i want to experience the sublimity of physical intimacy i want his love

A Harrowing Dream

I fell asleep and witnessed in the recesses of my subconscious a nightmare
In this dream i was back home in my childhood house
I entered my parents room with trepidation
I opened the door tentatively there was my mother not dead but alive in this vivid evocative dream

She was there with firefly red Irish hair radiant emerald green eyes
A ebullient effervescent smile that exuded love
She beckoned me on to the bed in this dreamworld i began to shed a tear or two
I sat on the foot of the bed mum hugged effusively
She wiped away my tears with her hankie and kissed me on the cheek tenderly

In this nightmare in which i felt my mums presence
Where was able to feel her love after minutes of intense embrace
My mums body evaporated as thousands of rose petals appeared on the bed
I fell to the floor crying profusely holding the rose petals a emblem of my mums love to my face
She was gone forever never disappearing into dust into the earth in this dreamworld

I awoke from this vivid traumatic nightmare
The nightmare had a profound impact on me
I was unable to fall to sleep for the rest of the night
I spent the night and early morning just staring with agony at a assortment of pictures of my mum and me I have preserved for posterity to keep alive the enduring memory of my mums love her abiding charismatic personality

Tears Of Rage

Mother why have you forsaken me
I was only 13 you left my life forever
Suicide that my fragile heart shattered irrecoverably damaged
I cried tears of rage night after night in the aftermath of your untimely demise

God why have you let this tragedy transpire
Why didn’t you shelter my mother from the tumultuous storms of her emotional torment
Why didn’t you assuage her pain with comfort
Why did you let this happen what benevolent omnipotent being would let a mother kill herself at such a tender age

The rage hasn’t abated its a rage at god at my mother
I feel robbed of the love she would have bestowed on me
Growing up with my struggles without the radiance of her maternal love
My mothers harrowing suicide has scared forever

I keep a shrine to my mum in my bedroom
Once a month i dedicate a night where i compose poetry
Listen to music that evokes memories of my mum and look at a collection of photographs of my mum ravishingly beautiful photogenic face
On these special nights of mournful remembrance in which with a tsunami of tears I reminisce of the fading memories and dream of seeing her face feeling here hug and kiss me for one last time

Recurring Nightmares

I have a recurring nightmare that usually occurs once a month
It gives me chills as i awake from this harrowing nightmare
My damaged subconscious in my dreams shows me my repressed fears
This recurring nightmare give me anxiety fills my soul with dread

It starts with me alone in a hall of mirrors
I am starting at my grotesque face and unsightly emaciated flat body
I stare at the mirror it changes as all the mirrors reflect my haunted bloodshot eyes devoid of vitality
Then it focuses on my gnarled crocked teeth showing me awkwardly smile
Then these malevolent supernatural mirrors focus on my body on
In this dream i begin to cry profusely as tears of utter despair flow from my eyes

Then I notice myself slowly becoming naked something is removing my clothing
In the mirror i see a thousand laughing faces iPhone flashing
They laughing at disgust and derision i fall to the floor hold my head in my hands
In this dark dream i suffer a panic attack i close my eyes but cant escape the horror of the mirror i cry and cry begging for it to end
Then i awake breathing heavily with my face submerged in sweat

After this dark nightmare a vision of my twisted psyche
With my self loathing my body dysmorphia my fear of mirrors
I am unable to fall back to sleep
For days after this traumatic dream i suffer another pernicious bout of insomnia with my anxiety laden consciousness

My Escape

After another onerous day of interacting with strangers
After another vexatious day of awkward social intercourse
After all the anxiety all the toxicity that been accumulating inside of me like a volcano
I escape to my safe space a land of immersive video games

Its a virtual universe where I’m free from all the sadness all the stress of life
My anxiety my depression evaporates temporarily as i play for hours in linear single player video games
I can not only escape the world but myself my limited introverted introspective personality and become a alter ego a id
I sit down on the edge of my bed plug in my gaming headphones and begin hours of escapist immersive gaming

My favourite game is the last of us a breathtakingly beautiful and poignant game
A game which elicits me to cry on numerous occasions
I cry on a video game when important characters die so tragically
This game is my escape my 21st century literature

I hide in the enclave of my room forgetting all the troubles of being afflicted with a variety of mental disorders
The pain of existing dissipates as i plug in the video game and lose myself in a seductive virtual landscape
These worlds are my escape that inspire and inflame my imagination
After playing a engrossing linear first player game I’m inspired to create sublime works of literature