I Miss You Mum

6 years this week you killed yourself
It hurts like acid burning a hole in my stomach
I miss you think about you everyday
Miss your hugs your effusive hugs you bestowed upon me

I miss you mum i cry when I hear your funeral song
I shed a profusion of tears when I gaze at photographs of you on my phone
I yearn for one last chance one last moment to bask in the iridescence of your external love

Still can recall seeing your haunted eyes as you hung from the ceiling
That image is tattooed on my ravaged mind
The wounds of losing you so prematurely and tragedy will never heal
I will never recover from losing you from suicide the hole in my soul can never be filled

Mum i need you in the mire the moil of my depression
I call out for you in the starry night as i survey the majestic awe inspiring cosmos i think about the memories we shared
I mediate on the future memories that was denied by from your egregious decision to end your life to abandon your daughter in the turmoil of her anxiety laden adolescence

Freedom

I put on my noise cancelling headphones
Then the rhapsodic classical echoes into my ears
I’m in heaven laying on my bed letting the serene luscious music take me to a higher plain of consciousness
I close my eyes as psychedelic visions appear in my stoned mind

I am free now in a high state with the cannabis and the sublime music working in tandem to ameliorate my anxiety laden mind
The thoughts of sadness of a suicide of self loathing dissipate as the glorious sounds of a symphony life to a elevated otherworldly state of being
Theres no feeling of dread no heartbreak no depression nothing but the pure beauty of Mozart

I am free in my solitude with my closet confidant my most treasured music
The chains of my impaired personality are broken as my soul soars into the heaven i am exultant
The hallucinogenic visions continue to wash over me I’m getting higher and higher with my eyes closed in rapturous sensations

The symphony plays no distraction no hum and drum of urban life
The mind is in a a serene place bereft of melancholy
I meditate to the ethereal music that takes me to outer space
The cannabis and music has transformed my weary languid condition

Disorder

Lost and confused in a alienated state
Alone in the hell of my tortured existence
Nobody cares there’s nobody who understands who knows about my pain
I want to reach and feel a connection to have another soul hold my mind hug me tightly and share my disorder

I’m ill a body paralysed with anxiety with suicidal thoughts
I endure weekly panic attacks where I’m unable to vacate my flat
I drink i smoke a profusion of illicit and legal drugs to numb my pain
Then in states of intoxicated fervent i cut myself to have a cathartic release then i carry waterfalls of tears

My anxiety disorder is crippling i cant breathe i cant sleep
I cant have friends or experience anything resembling a normal social life
I’m imprisoned in my tortured fractured mind living ensconced in the tiny enclave of my dank flat
Friends vehemently persistently request my company i have to decline the anxiety is too onerous I retreat into protracted states of isolation

Nobody knows of my hell its all a dark secret
The panic attacks the suicidal predilections the bouts of self mutilation the insomnia the self loathing all is concealed in my introverted introspective personality
I’m sick a dying broken soul laying awake in my cold bed
Living a sad life bereft of human contact or love wanting to divulge my disorder to a fellow sufferer of anxiety

A Rapturous Night Of Conviviality And Alcoholic Excess

Let me regale you of a euphoric night of pure hedonism
Spending a night with my university cohorts
A night devoid of sadness where my heart was in pure rapture
Drinking alcohol enjoying the geniality of my closest friends

The evening commenced as the sun was setting with a sublime kaleidoscopic sunset
We drank in our student accommodation
Voraciously downing a bottle of sumptuous white wine to experience the first bliss of drunkenness
Then our intimate tribe headed out to a myriad of pubs and clubs where are insatiable appetite for alcohol and engaging conversation would be satiated

Starting out in a few local pubs drinking pints of evocative cider
This cider sent my head spinning i felt the initial bliss in my bloodstream
Then he embarked on a series of nightclubs in which we danced with careless abandon
With the aid of a superfluity of alcohol we were lost in the night

Drinking dancing into the wee hours of the morning
No care no disquiet no sadness in the euphoria of the night
Smiling laughing as we luxuriated in each other conversation
As we danced we attracted the attention of lust filled glances of males admirers

For once I was imbued with a sensation of beauty of belonging
The profusion of alcohol the human contact the humanity flowing in the night
I was alive in states of rapture feeling the high of the whisky the vodka the cocktails
Not wanting the sublime night to end we traversed back to our student abodes we were floating like spirits in states of pure ecstatic being