Disorder

Lost and confused in a alienated state
Alone in the hell of my tortured existence
Nobody cares there’s nobody who understands who knows about my pain
I want to reach and feel a connection to have another soul hold my mind hug me tightly and share my disorder

I’m ill a body paralysed with anxiety with suicidal thoughts
I endure weekly panic attacks where I’m unable to vacate my flat
I drink i smoke a profusion of illicit and legal drugs to numb my pain
Then in states of intoxicated fervent i cut myself to have a cathartic release then i carry waterfalls of tears

My anxiety disorder is crippling i cant breathe i cant sleep
I cant have friends or experience anything resembling a normal social life
I’m imprisoned in my tortured fractured mind living ensconced in the tiny enclave of my dank flat
Friends vehemently persistently request my company i have to decline the anxiety is too onerous I retreat into protracted states of isolation

Nobody knows of my hell its all a dark secret
The panic attacks the suicidal predilections the bouts of self mutilation the insomnia the self loathing all is concealed in my introverted introspective personality
I’m sick a dying broken soul laying awake in my cold bed
Living a sad life bereft of human contact or love wanting to divulge my disorder to a fellow sufferer of anxiety

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Climbing Up The Walls

Arms shacking shivering my body sways manically back and forth
My breathing is erratic uncontrolled the curtains are firmly closed
No lights in my home I can’t face the world the dark eerie outside
I turn off my phone there’s complete silence no music as i sit on the edge of my bed wanting this hell to end

The walls are moving they’re are coming closer to me
I hear voices on the outside as my paranoia my anxiety intensifies
Breathing in and out in a effort to assuage the fear the dread
I want to escape this body this horrifying state of being
I’m trapped in this neurotic bag of bones

I touch my magnolia coated wall to feel something tactile to mitigate my nervousness
I scream in my head i want to get out please god let it end
Now i collapse on the floor in a ball in a fetal like position
Hearing now a multitude of auditory hallucinations sounds of people laughing the ringing of the bell
I cry in utter agony as tears stream into my wooden floor

I want to escape the nightmare of my body
Wanting forlornly to escape to experience a semblance of normality
The walls are shacking pulsating with imagined sound waves I continue to hysterically cry
I notice my breathing relaxes slightly as the angst is dissipating now the hallucinations cease and the attack dies down

A Rapturous Night Of Conviviality And Alcoholic Excess

Let me regale you of a euphoric night of pure hedonism
Spending a night with my university cohorts
A night devoid of sadness where my heart was in pure rapture
Drinking alcohol enjoying the geniality of my closest friends

The evening commenced as the sun was setting with a sublime kaleidoscopic sunset
We drank in our student accommodation
Voraciously downing a bottle of sumptuous white wine to experience the first bliss of drunkenness
Then our intimate tribe headed out to a myriad of pubs and clubs where are insatiable appetite for alcohol and engaging conversation would be satiated

Starting out in a few local pubs drinking pints of evocative cider
This cider sent my head spinning i felt the initial bliss in my bloodstream
Then he embarked on a series of nightclubs in which we danced with careless abandon
With the aid of a superfluity of alcohol we were lost in the night

Drinking dancing into the wee hours of the morning
No care no disquiet no sadness in the euphoria of the night
Smiling laughing as we luxuriated in each other conversation
As we danced we attracted the attention of lust filled glances of males admirers

For once I was imbued with a sensation of beauty of belonging
The profusion of alcohol the human contact the humanity flowing in the night
I was alive in states of rapture feeling the high of the whisky the vodka the cocktails
Not wanting the sublime night to end we traversed back to our student abodes we were floating like spirits in states of pure ecstatic being

A Passenger

Existing as a observer of life
Not actively engaging in the essential activities of the human race
I’m on the outside wanting to be a participant in the wonders of life
Wanting love wanting to traverse the globe and witness fantastical awe inspiring vistas but my disorder precludes me from venturing into the wide world

I gaze outside my window in the evening
Being transfixed by the glittering neon lights of the city
Seeing all the sounds smells evocative senses of the city that permeate my consciousness
I observe majestic psychedelic sunsets that render me breathless I don’t feel alive though i am afflicted with a dead sensation that pulsates my body and soul

Existing as a passenger a observer is the detrimental consequences of long term depression
All i do is watch not able to connect with people or take part in the wonders of being a human being
I cant break free from the manacles of depression i cant experience joy i am trapped in this body with a sick feeling
I want to travel to fall in love to let go of all the piss and shit that been building inside of me for years I want to experience for once bliss euphoria and not be this pain ridden passenger of life

Concealing My Disorder

I exist in this mask this persona that portrays a veneer of sanity
Behind the mask lurks a inner world of darkness with a pernicious social anxiety and crippling depression that i conceal from all of humanity
I go out to the world interact with friends smiling laughing concealing my pain never frowning never disclosing my acute social anxiety

I have this dread this constant fear of being found out
Of anybody discovering my fractured psyche discovering my anxiety
Hence I have constructed elaborate excuses when i suffer from extreme bouts of suicidal depression when I’m able to be a participator in life
To disguise my anxiety i have told friends that i am afflicted with asthma that’s why on occasion i have bouts of hyperventilating breathing when in reality I’m enduring a panic attack

Many times though i eschew public gatherings making up flimsy excuses for why i cant attend nights out
The depression is a lot easier to hide you can smile put on this facade of serenity to mask the inner torment lurking in the recesses of my mind
Anxiety is getting harder to hide with existing in public becoming more acutely onerous
Still i smile laugh conceal my extreme nervousness never letting the mask slip away I’m terrified of anybody discovering the shame of my disorder

The Monster

It lives within me this beast this monster
It threatens to ruin me to devour me from the inside
When I’m in public when in unfamiliar situations the monster appears torturing me
It tells me I’m ugly I’m worthless I’m unlovable

The monster has rendered me ravaged shattered exhausted barely able to function
It blinded me with permanent states of dread with panic pulsating in my ageing bones
I cant stop worrying i cant go out anymore i cant sleep because of this pernicious monster that’s devouring my soul

I cant control this monster this cancerous organism that’s proliferated across my languid body and soul
Unable to look at myself in the mirror for fear of provoking this malicious monster
Fear of venturing outside fear of answering a phone call of taking a chance in life this monster will punish me for showing a modicum of bravery

I am rotting from the inside begging god to end my life
For years i have subsisted with this beast that lurks in the shadows of my subconscious
Now this monster has metastasised into a uncontrollable force that threatens my sanity
This monstrous villain has precluded me from having friends from experiencing the wonders of sex or falling in love this monster is my anxiety that is slowly poisoning me with the noxious fumes of this untreated disorder

My Dream Life

I have this envision of a perfect idealised idyllic existence
A life far removed from the my lonely life of creative disappointment
A life far away from the rattle and hum of my anxiety impaired urban existence
Its a life living in the lush British countryside

I have a charming beguiling man of my dreams by my side
We have cultivated through our unbreakable cosmic bond a family with 2 divine little angels
We live in a quaint english cottage in the south of England surrounded by all the trappings all the allure of nature
My husband like myself is a successful writer he writes as a opinion columnist whilst i am a bestselling eminent novelist who’s lauded for her works of creative genius

Its a idyllic pastoral setting where i am inspired to conceive a prolific prodigious output of novels
This dream life is devoid of the anxiety of living in the hustle and bustle of the city
I eschew being a celebrity and exist with my family a recluse who’s committed to raise two beautiful children
Days in our cottage are spent going on extensive hikes through this majestic countryside that assumes my anxiety disorder

Free from the anguish of the crowd residing in a sparsely populated place
I am liberated from my social anxiety disorder never having to endure the hell of a crowded club
In this dream life I fantasise about my mind is unimpeded from the manacles of depression
I am blessed in prolonged states of euphoric happiness living a enriching fulfilling coexistence with my heavenly man of my dreams and our angelic offspring