Dreams

Drifting away into realms of my subconscious
I dream in colour with a polychromatic visions that float through my unconscious mind
I am sailing through the vast wondrous galaxy with a awe inspiring incandescent stars beaming not my engrossed mind
Reds and blues and greens illuminate the horizon I’m in ecstasy

In this euphoric dream I’m free unchained from the manacles of anxiety and depression
I’m flying majestically through time and space
Experiencing true enlightenment as these psychedelic images transfix and beguile me
I’m on a cloud been taking higher and higher I’m on a different plain if being

This is heaven then suddenly my lover appears a immaculate image of masculinity
He stands before naked with a exquisite torso a face that beams out pure joy
He smiles iridescently at my direction my body quivers as electricity surges in me
suddenly he kiss as our trembling body are metamorphosed into works of art

The art changes then my unshaven toned lover is laying next to me on a floating cloud
We stare for hours into each other’s enchanting eyes
I witness a vast inner universe of beauty in him
The sky colour alters every second as we are higher in pure states of ecstatic being

This dream is a unique one
Devoid of nightmare our anxiety our suicidal fantasies
Its a psychedelic hallucinogenic vision of love of heaven
With the aid of cannabis and copious anti anxiety meds my atypical mind dreamed up a divine collection of dreams on a enchanting prolonged sleep

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Fear And Loathing At The Supermarket

It happens every time I venture into the terrifying supermarket
My mind is besieged with anxiety with gnarled feelings of worthlessness
I enter the door with my heart racing at a frantic pace
Beads Of sweat form on my forehead as the anxiety surges through my body

Ethereal classical music is reverberating in my ear with my blue tooth headphones
The music helps to mitigate the hell of a brief visit at my local supermarket
I pick up a basket to purchase a few essential items as i peruse the shop
I rush around with sweat with terror with perpetual feelings of dread

Avoid eye contact with my fellow shoppers i keep my eyes to myself
Its utterly horrible i struggle to breathe struggle to maintain my veneer of outward serenity
Inside beyond this composed demeanour lurks a vast inner universe of suffering and sadness at being afflicted with a determination social anxiety disorder

To assuage my anxiety I perform a few idiosyncratic non verbal ticks
I profusely tap my fingers against my waist then i rub and scratch my fingers against my palm
I keep tapping my fingers occasionally rubbing my face to nullify the intense disquiet that pulsating in my fractured mind
After a 10 minute agitated shop i am finally at the checkout
This is the worst part having a cashier judging me excoriating my appearance my purchases i begin to breathe at a accelerated rate finally i hand over my card and I’m free to leave this wretched place free to leave the nightmare performing a rudimentary everyday task normal people take for granted

I Wish I had £100,000 To Spend On My Body

My body haggard and worn down
My bones ache as I walk
I glare into the mirror see all the cracks the flaws
A body falling apart at the seams wrinkles on my body a face devoid of beauty

Eyes listless haunted with years of loneliness and depression
Lips pale and pallid that once were lustrous now are cracked with the ravages of time
Hair unkept with a profusion of split ends a visual metaphor of my weary fractured mind

I gaze for minutes at my saggy diminutive flat breasts I’m so unattractive so unappealing
The tired bags underneath my haunted bloodshot eyes that radiate sadness
My fingers shake with disquiet at this repulsive sight of my grotesque physical appearance
I drop to the floor unable to bare the sight of my ghostlike image as tears cascade down my face

I want to be alluring to be regarded as a enticing creature
I want perfect voluptuous breasts that catch the attention of beguiling males physical specimens
I want immaculate ivory teeth devoid of flaws
I want to be rid of this pernicious self loathing to never have this all consuming social anxiety I want to look in the mirror and not be overcome with suicidal desires

Shadows And Tall Trees

Outside my bedroom window all i see is the shadows
A melancholic scenery of autumn trees
No sign of life no colour a absence of humanity in my secluded residence
I am alone sequestered away yearning for human contact to assuage my depressed anxiety laden malaise

All alone at home with the silence that terrifies me
No noise apart from the occasional distant echo traffic
I listen to tranquillising mediative classical music to dull my senses
I pour shot after shot of potent whisky to escape my wretched forlorn reality

Then staring intensely outside my window at the nighttime panorama i shed tears
I am alone without love without friendship wanting a hug a random act of kindness to rekindle my fading humanity
I am already dead waiting to die waiting the inevitable death to end my bleak vapid existence

The loneliness of my life with my untreated depression my social anxiety is slowly poisoning
I can feel the noxious fumes corrupt corrode my lust for life
I used to have dreams to have gleaming with fantastical visions of a illustrious future now i am a sad pathetic twenty something wanting death to end this lonely desolate life i am living

Still i glare at the flickering incandescent light that flicker with life
Inside my abode there is a darkness and walls that howl with despair

Dread

I cant stop shacking my knees are trembling
I’m overcome with angst I’m scratching my hands with my fingers
Then i keep tapping my feet
I’m on the outside away from the comfort the security of my shelter my home

The dread the fear is overwhelming
My breathing is frantic I’m trying diligently to control my hyperventilating
Attempting a myriad of methods to palliate the anxiety that’s surging in my body
All to no avail as the dread is unrelenting as i am confronted with the horror of my disorder with the fear of society

I refrain from interacting with strangers crossing the road to avoid passing pedestrians
Still the torturous anxiety circulates in me it wont die down
I feel the onset of another harrowing panic attack please god no here not on the cobbled streets
I play music at a thunderous volume to escape from this reality to assuage my social phobia

I walk at a frantic pace all i experience in my neurotic consciousness is the dread of every possible situation
Its the fear the dread the dogs barking the passerby with their glaring acerbic eyes
The horror the torture the pain of my disorder the alienation nobody knows the pain the dread i endure with every waking moment

The Perpetual Hell Of Living With A Social Anxiety Disorder

My social anxiety began in the aftermath of my mothers suicide. Before that harrowing emotional scaring event at the age of 13 i was a shy introvert who could be described as socially awkward. After witnessing my mother dead body the ptsd it was the genesis of my pernicious social anxiety disorder. In the months that followed her funeral i had a bout of intense terrifying panic attacks. Panic attacks where i wasn’t fully cognisant what was happening to me at first I thought it was a heart attack with the heavy breathing the tightness in my chest. Then going out going to school socialising with my friends became a torturous undertaking as i was besieged with anxiety with the fear. Throughout my adolescence my anxiety grew more acute as i kept my disorder a secret making up excuses declining night out with friends turning down dates from males admirers.

As i progressed from a precocious teenager into a young adult this disorder has metastasised into a paralysing illness that impacts every facet of my life. Its a all consuming fear of everything a fear of the fear. A fear of any rudimentary social interaction a fear of intimacy of the crowd of going to social events with friends or family. I have forced myself to attend birthdays wedding drunken nights out with my friends to not let this monster destroy me. However attending these social gatherings was pure intense unrelenting torture. Its a fear that haunts you its the fear of being perceived as boring or a cruel look from a stranger that sends my anxiety escalating. Its the fear of another panic attack around strangers the constant fear of letting the mask slip and revealing my disorder. I am able to mitigate to anaesthetise to the social anxiety my devouring copious quantities of alcohol. I use alcohol as a anti anxiety medication to temporarily alleviate the perpetual hell of my anxiety.

The anxiety is so oppressive that i have refrained from divulging my anxiety with a friends with a qualified psychiatrist or gp. The idea of being that vulnerable delineating the years of panic attacks and anxiety fills my mind with dread. Hence i am unable to take anti anxiety medication. Even going to the doctors for a habitual check up is something i have forgo because its such a laborious task. Simple everyday mundane tasks normal socially functional individuals take for granted become with my deleterious social phobia a monumental endeavour. Venturing outside with the threat of a panic attack having cold glances from strangers having to form conversations with strangers was hell. Short 20 to 30 minute traversal to my local convenience store was torture that i had to endure for my basic survival. On this journey i suffered from heavy breathing constantly scratching my hand to assuage my anxiety. Then there’s speaking with people with the paranoia the angst that pulsates in my neurotic body. Its hell and it never ends i cant go out anymore because of the fucking anxiety that follows me that strangles my soul.

Going on a date is a impossibility that beyond my abilities. I have in the past had a few dates with alluring prospective lovers but the fear was too laborious to continue the romantic relationship. Friendships due to me abstaining from the majority of social events have slowly drifted apart. Important intimate friends have lost all contact with as they lose all patience in my anti social peculiar behaviour. They for a while persisted with me but after i stopped accepting their effusive requests for nights out all contact was lost as our beautiful friendships faded away into a sad memory.

By life as this disorder has devoured me has eclipsed all the beauty inside of me is a forlorn wretched existence. Its endless anxiety that is with me all the time even as i sit alone in the comfort in the sanctuary of my home secluded away from other people. I sit twitching incessantly shacking my legs unable to reflex unable to feel a modicum of serenity. This anxiety has given me a life of severe alienation where i am all alone in my illness unable to articulate the scale of my anxiety. I cant expose myself to the horror of the real world i cant force myself to face these nightmarish protracted social interactions. Hence i stay in my tiny enclave hoping to escape hoping to palliative my anxiety.

Living with social anxiety is detrimental to my vocational prospects. As a teenager and student i had these illusions of travelling the world as a young writer seeing new cultures that are enriching and enlightening endeavours. Now though these fantastical dreams will never be realised i still write poetry and short stories that remain unpublished works of fiction. My dreams of living a exhilarating adventurous life have vanished to be replaced by far fetched dreams of becoming a published novelist. I still harbour hopes of conquering my illness of being able to have something that resembles a life filled with ebullient people. I want to fall in love to have friends that love and cherish my company. I want the pain the isolation the fear the dread the purgatory to be over. I want to finally confess my anxiety to a doctor i yearn for a hug from a fellow anxiety suffering where we cry and console each other. I want that elation that euphoric release of this pent up suppressed pain and worry and torture I incur every day as i traverse back and forth from my place of employment.

There is a bluebird living inside of me chocking on the noxious fumes of my illness. There is a bluebird that exists in my dreams where i can freely smile laugh partake in glorious human activities without the angst. There is a bluebird that is slowly dying being crushed by the weight of my disorder a bluebird that screams at night a bluebird who’s cry’s for help go on unanswered. There is a bluebird that wants to fly through time and space that wants to feel the beauty of life in its tender wings. There is a bluebird that wants to get drunk to get high to fall in love to feel the ecstasy of life flowing circulating in its fragile body in this ethereal finite world

I Wish

I wish i was beautiful
I wish I could laugh without angst
I wish i could look at myself in the mirror without seeing a ugly creature peering back at me
I wish i could socialise without being hindered by a deleterious social anxiety that is torturous

I wish i could extricate this anxiety from my body
I wish i could be cured of my depression that has a myriad of detrimental effects on my body and soul
I wish i could openly admit to friends and family the depths of my illness instead of hiding my pain my illness
I wish i was happy living a gregarious ebullient life unimpeded from my demons

I want to be comfortable in my own skin to be able to venture outside without the fear of a panic attack
I want to speak candidly with a therapist and ventilate my mental illnesses
I want to be able to partake in a date with a alluring young man without the fear the dread the constant self loathing

I want to fall in love to experience the ecstasy of physical and emotional intimacy i wish to be somebody else to feel like a human being instead of a freak who’s derided castigated by society