I Hate Myself And Want To Die

Can’t abide the pain of being me anymore
I hate myself so fucking badly and all I desire is for this hell to end
Viewed myself in the mirror today what a disgusting repulsive human I am
With gnarled disfigured teeth and horrendous pasty blotchy skin

I hate living in this body living in my head
Hate living with the anxiety the relentless self loathing the depression the panic attacks
It never abates it there like mould infecting me slowly being promulgated round my body like a cancerous tumour
Today though the misery of my forlorn alienated vapid life has grown too onerous to endure any longer I want death by suicide

Nobody loves me I’m a ghost waiting for the inevitable death
Nobody calls or enquires about me or asks me out for sublime evenings out any longer
I am gone from the realm of humans into this sequestered life existing bereft of meaningful human company
Never get kissed touched no one laughs with me I’m so fucking alone in this godless soulless universe I ache I yearn for a modicum of validation to reaffirm my humanity

I am a forsaken abandoned soul
Condemned to the ash heap of the world with all the other exiled lost souls
All I a want now is death
The pain my memory will vanish as I will die in a nihilistic brutal manner hanging my body in my lonely one bedroom flat

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Red

Red the spectacular awe inspiring colours of the sunset
As I gaze at this psychedelic vision on the horizon
Whilst instantaneous getting high on this potent cannabis
Images memories from my past my turbulent tragic adolescence flood into my stoned consciousness

A singular tear forms on my left eye lid
It runs down my face as the dazzling crimson sunset evokes vivid memories of my deceased mum
In this sunset I hallucinate my mums cascade of auburn hair
I imagine her emerald green eyes starting intensely with warmth and boundless love back at me

I see her ethereal face in this majestic red hot picturesque July sunset
Outside my window in my dank flat I’m transported into another time and place
A time of innocence when I wasn’t burdened with sadness with the hell of my adulthood
I can taste my mums lustrous hair her perfect iridescent smile
I imagine having her hug me holding my tear drenched ashen face placed firmly against her bosom

I’m not here in reality lm lost in the realm of fantasy
Lost to the past dreaming of a life where tragedy hadn’t befall my family
I take another hit from my pipe a deep breathe the powerful psychoactive cannabis takes me higher
The sunset beauty brings me joy through the tears as I’m beguiled by the array of polychromatic colours that illuminate the landscape

The End

Not long before I cease existing
I’m close to the end when I will take the decisive step to end my life
I can see the black oblivion of nothingness that will consume my soul
I can see my consciousness evaporating into another realm into the cosmos

The end is nigh when the torture of existing in this wretched body will end
I cant endure the hell of being me anymore
The anxiety the panic attacks the self harm the alienation the self loathing is too onerous to bare
I want death I long for the flickering light of life to be exhumed by the cruel hand of death

I’ve yearned for suicide for years ruminating the most preferable method of death
Surmised that death by hanging is what I deserve to die in excruciating agony
Having my neck asphyxiated by a rope I don’t desire a tranquil painless death I desire the blinding acid pain of death by hanging
I have meticulously planned my suicide making a itinerary of the day the drugs the music the note

Tomorrow I will end my life
I will render my body lifeless through a deleterious action
I want the permanence of death
Wanting the pain to die with me as my body limply languidly hangs from my bedroom door frame killing myself in the exactly same manner as my mum 7 years ago

I’m A Beast

Can’t go out tonight had turn down my friends fervent requests to go out
I made the fateful error of looking at myself in the mirror without my makeup
A hideous malformed creature appeared in my bathroom mirror
With cracked blotchy and a pallid unappealing complexion

Teeth when i smiled looking gnarled unsightly not exactly immaculate Instagram teeth
A body bereft of personality a flat emaciated body
Dead languid eyes devoid of vitality no sparkle no vive just a sadness
I cant venture outside and inflict my deformed physical body on the rest of humanity

I’m a beast who needs to be confined to isolation
I’m a beast cover me up in a veil to mask by glaring imperfections
Even with a abundance of makeup applied to my face I’m still this unfuckable freak that men shudder in horror when they glimpse my visage

I’ve made a pact with myself to never peer into the mirror again
Removed all the mirrors in my bedroom placing them in my cavernous closet
The horror the hell of seeing me in the flesh having my illusions smashed in a 30 second scrutinisation of my facial features
I’m a beast who will never find love
I’m a beast who will never be touched held caressed by another man

The Rave

Dancing for hours floating on air
In states of rapture to the incessant beat
My mind my body transported by the molly into a euphoric loved up sensation
Psychedelic colours flow in my eye as the music and sound appear as one

My friends that dance in blissed out states appear to me like ethereal orbs of light
There bodies like celestial heavenly beings with iridescent colours that are emanated from their beautiful bodies
We hug we dance in each other’s arms the connections of friendships are deep tonight thanks to the tonic of the elicit stimulant and the invigorating music

All my anxiety all my melancholy all my social phobias has dissipated tonight
I’m engulfed by hundreds of people in a abandoned warehouse dancing to the music the DJ is blaring out at a deafening volume
We are all one experiencing the sublime beauty of music and our humanity
For hours no words are expressed only dancing sweating with eyes that appear like glorious illumines constellations of the cosmos

The sweat flows from my petite body
I’m alive tonight losing all concept of time and place
Lost in this transcendent place that is heaven
Love bounces off the walls i share a group hug with my affable friends I’m floating through time and space the pleasure is unbelievable its a pure joyous high sensation

Echoes

Outside my window I hear a cacophony of birds singing
The wind howls in this bleak autumn day
There a blanket of grey in the skyline that haunts my town
I hear the distant echoes of dogs barking children playing mothers bellowing

Inside my fortress of solitude there’s a absence of colour
I look around inside my domicile and am haunted my the isolation of my life
Nobody to share my life with an empty bed the bitter chill of my condemned adult alienation
Nobody to smile to laugh along with a icy silence that’s permeates my adulthood

No soul knocks on my door anymore no phone calls
Nobody to hug to kiss to embrace there nobody out there to alleviate my emotional suffering
I hark back to happier times in my childhood at uni when i lead a active gregarious life filled with colourful vivacious people
The laughter the joy the hope for the future now is just fading echoes like footsteps in the sand that vanish through the sands of time

I ache for somebody who wants to hear my laments of sadness
A soul who wipe away my tears who will acknowledge my depression
Who want disparage my pain my asocial proclivities
Theres nobody out there I’m been banished to the vast wilderness of my endless isolation

Harrowing vivid Nightmare

I awake at 3 o’clock in the morning my forehead is soaked in sweat. I’m sitting upright on my single bed breathing heavily. Panting like a frightened dog after experiment a harrowing vivid nightmare that wrecked me with anxiety and distress. For the rest of the night and early mourning i was unable to fall back to sleep. I was sitting upright with my body enveloped in my warm luxurious duvet. Sitting upright shivering shacking back and forth unable to quell the anxiety from this awful evocative dream that my subconscious gave to me.

For days that proceeded this dream that brought to the forefront tragic memories from my adolescence i was rendered almost paralysed with angst and regressed into a acutely melancholic state. I managed to attend my university lectures under great psychological strain managing to hide my agony my deepening depression from my university cohorts. That’s all i did no socialising no getting drunk just retreating into the save enclave of my room where my anxiety dissipated. Days where i could barely muster the energy to venture outside to go shopping to attend lectures. I had to call in sick to my part time employment at the local bookshop dealing with customers for 8 hours was too much for my feeble fragile state. I simply informed my boss i was suffering from a stomach bug bed ridden from this temporary ailment.

I had resolutely concluded to make my newest YouTube video in which expound on my weekly battle with my mental illness on my nightmare. I try diligently to produce these videos on a regular basis but due to the impediments of my depression and social anxiety i put out these videos more sporadically. It had been more than a week since my previous video where i talked at length on suffering a panic attack in public. This attack occurred during a routine appointment at the dentist. The newest video will divulging in great detail my dream the vivid images that haunt my every waking moment.

It was 6:00 pm on a dreary Monday evening i was ready to record my video my weekly therapy session where the camera the audience acted as a surrogate therapist as i delineated my dream. I looked outside of my window the rain was coming down with venom I’m was glad to be inside sheltered from the weather. I closed my curtains making sure my student house was empty. All of my house guest were out living life to the fullest ensuring i was free to opine on my fragile mental state. I prepared my body and mind for the to camera oration i had carefully laid out my attire for this special event. There was a demure black dress and knee high gothic boots I had settled in my mind was appropriate garb to wear for this occasion. On these YouTube videos on my blogging channel I want to present a particular image. A image of a gothic enigmatic young women i want to appear attractive and alluring. Like my hitherto videos i wear a ornate decorated Venetian mask to obscure my hideous face. Yes the audience my measly collection of subscribers can see my gothic attire my dark black hair but I’m too self conscious to reveal my deformed face. On this day i place the ornately mask on my face I’m free whist having this mask to speak lucidly and clearly it doesn’t preclude me from being understood.

Placing the mask on my face look in the bathroom mirror seeing how my black dress hides my petite curves. I love the boots that reach the top of my knees they make me feel like a women being who emits a aura of coolness. Now I’m ready to record my video don’t know how long it will take to broadcast my ordeal to the world. I saunter tentatively to my eccentrically decorated room lock the door now I’m free to talk at length about my dream. My iPad is situated on my desk I’m standing in line with the camera as i will be delivering as per usual standing. When I’m standing i can express my emotions more clearly and show the emotions that have been suppressed since the harrowing nightmare. I press the record sign on the camera giving a 30 second delay as i can be facing the camera without the hassle or rushing back to my spot. I press the record with my trembling hands I’m filled with dread and exhilarated to disclose my anxiety in almost anonymity with a kind audience.

“ Hello viewers listeners new subscribers I’m new dawn fades this is my YouTube channel where I talk about my glaring mental health issues. Yes this is a mask planted firmly on my face. I’m acutely self conscious of my physical appearance especially my face. I suffer from a array of mental condition body dysmorphia depression and social anxiety hence why i like to obscure my unsightly face. Today though I want to talk about a dream/ nightmare i had about a week ago. For the past weeks I’ve been beset with a anxiety fears of occurring another panic attack. I’ve been too afraid to venture outside all steaming from this horrifying nightmare. In this vivid nightmare where I experienced a series of evocative dreams. I don’t want to bore you with every particular dream which I can recall. The last dream though which rendered me blighted with anxiety unable to sleep i want to talk about. The dream started I entered a room i walk through a immaculate white door entering with trepidation a room that seems so familiar. Theres a binding white light in this room then the light disappears revealing a white room with a white bed that evokes childhood memories. Theres somebody sitting with long flowing auburn hair delicately crumbing her hair next to a dressing table. She turns around its my mum who killed her self 5 years ago. She’s noticed be calls my name standing with majestic green eyes and fiery Irish red hair beckoning me over. I start to cry a profusion of tears as I hesitantly walk towards my mum seeing her face in this powerful dream. I for some unknown reason look at the ground i see a bed of roses that covers the entire floor it doesn’t hurt as my naked feet walk over these roses to embrace my mum. I reach my mums who face and body illuminates the room she’s looking resplendent. We embarked no words are exchanged its a deafening silence my mum with tenderness lays a passionate kiss on my left cheek. Then she hugs me i collapse into her arms. I’m crying uncontrollable with rivers of pent up sadness being purged from my eyes. My mum sheds a singular tear that tickles down her face. This lasts in this memory evoking dream for minutes or hours I have no concept of time in my deep subconscious state. Then i look at my mums iridescent face and she’s gone as her body is replaced by chards of broken glass that lacerate my body my face. I’m rendered distraught collapse to the floor with blood flowing from my wounds cry until i awoke from this harrowing short nightmare. I think about my mums constantly think about her suicide miss her everyday she never is absent from my thoughts but that dream has engendered the trauma of her death to the forefront of my mind. You don’t have to be a trained psychologist to realise this literal dream means i profoundly miss my mum. Seeing it though having a desire to talk to hug my mum one last time actualised then have her be vanquished away leaving physically and emotionally scared was horrifying. Sorry to speak for so long and to cry in these videos i try to make them more succinct and less emotional. So goodbye hope you enjoyed me recounting my nightmare if you like this video send me a like and subscribe to my channel.”