For the majority of my adult life and tenure at TWC i have refrained from engaging in romantic or sexual relationships due to my disorder. There was though one individual in my early twenties in my preliminary period at TWC who fired the fervent passions hidden deep inside my introverted introspective personality.
This person was Peter Allen who joined TWC approximately a year after I commenced my employment. When i first introduced myself to peter and started to cultivate a intimate connection with him, i at the time had only a singular unsatisfactory sexual encounter in my entire adult life. This singular sexual escapade was with a buxom red called rose on a holiday excursion with my now estranged childhood friends.
Then a beguiling charming man named peter appeared like a beam of coruscating light into my insipid life. He was this alluring attractive 19 year old who was working in this drab warehouse to supplement his higher education aspirations. He worked part time in order to pay for his exorbitant expensive university education.
From the first moment I saw his face I was struck by his beauty by his sense of style. He was 6 foot tall with a svelte but athletic body. Peter had piercing captivating blue eyes that pieced deep into the depths of your soul when he fixed his enchanting gaze at you. He had a beaming ebullient smile that revealed a immaculate set of perfect gleaming white teeth. Such a stark contrast to my gnarled disfigured gnashers. His appearance his personality was the polar opposite of my introverted personality and my physically repugnant exterior. He was a exquisite figure of young masculinity who embodied all the alluring qualities i admired. He was gregarious funny able to converse with aplomb with the opposite sex. He wasn’t comfortable with his current situation in Mayberry with working in a dead end menial factory job. He was restless ambitious to ameliorate his situation to extricate himself from Mayberry. Unlike myself who had succumbed to the rut and moil of life in Mayberry.
Despite our contrasting personality types over a number of months of working in close proximity at TWC a beautiful friendship blossomed. At the time when I became a close friend of peter my schizoid personality idiosyncrasies weren’t as prevalent. I still socialised outside of work i still converse freely with my fellow coworkers still preserved illusions of falling in love. In my early twenties at TWC when i wasn’t yet so detrimentally affected by my disorder my friendship with peter flourished. The initial friendship had developed into feelings of unexpressed romantic lust for this charismatic individual who’s very presence enriched my life.
From my early sexual awakening in my formative years i was enormously confused about my specific sexual identity. I was as equally sexually attracted to both genders feeling enticed by both the female and male bodies. I kept secret these bisexual predilections due to my inability to express my inner emotions never divulging to another soul my sexual confusion.
Then peter came along a person who electrified me sexually. A human who i could envision engaging in a long lasting intimate sexual relationship despite the severe antisocial tendencies of my atypical personality. As our interconnection bloomed I refrained from declaring these intense feelings of infatuation i held for him.
Our friendship thrived outside of the suffocating claustrophobia of the workplace environment. We shared numerous interest that allowed for the deepening of our connection. We had almost identical tastes in music we had corresponding interests in the type of literature and tv we consumed. Socialising at peters humble abode drinking copious volumes of alcohol whilst listening to our congruent musical passions. These nights spent with peter in his home were magical. To connect with another person with the intoxicating consumption of alcohol and the occasional consciousness shifting cannabis i felt for once like a person. In these enchanting nights in intimate company with the statuesque peter I felt my life mattered that there were people who cared for me who were armoured with me.
Nights in his modest home and nights out in the pubs and clubs of Mayberry in which i was introduced to his motley crew of student acquaintances. Having this friendship and subsequent association with peters clan of idiosyncratic engaging friends helped to alleviate my isolation my pathological self loathing. In these meaningful social interactions i was imbued with a strange feeling of self worth that transformed me from the doldrums of perennial depression.
Before i became indelible intertwined with this effervescent person i was completely alone living a sad friendless life. It was the time when I extracted myself permanently from my childhood chums. Taking this drastic decision to neglect these important friendships left me completely alone. I spiralled downwards in my mental states with my schizoid traits became increasingly prevalent in my maladroit personality. Then something miraculous occurred i forged a friendship out of the mire the desert of loneliness i was cursed to exist in. A friendship that enabled me to reconnect with mainstream society. Whilst this bond was nurtured over many months and years the depression the symptoms of a debilitating personality disorder dissipated.
In the period when i was intimately acquainted with peter i still persisted with my elaborate private fantasy world. Despite the psychologically benefits of cultivating a kindred bond I still subsisted my abnormal propensity to fantasise. However at the time this inner universe was less complex less immersive i was able to converse to display a limited emotional range with my fellow humans. Whereas today i am completely consumed with this intricate virtual reality landscape I’ve created in my overreactive imagination.
The indispensable friendship with peter continued to deepen over many months when we became almost inseparable. Peter was my confidant at work we would share jokes share our dreams for the future. In his radiating presence i was able to be comfortable to be myself to be uninhabited to let my guard down. He showered me with his platonic affection as my lustful lascivious desires towards him intensified. Over our extensive time in each other’s company i madly fell in love with him. The love remained this fervent fire of burning passion lurking in my soul it never abated only growing more intense as i kept my love a secret. Due to my inclination for being secretive i continued to dissimulate my amorous feelings for peter. We continued to socialise outside of the mundanity of the TWC factory. Meeting at each other’s unremarkable residences where he get throughly intoxicated. I was intoxicated with the mind altering effects of his exuberant youthful personality that made me feel like a human being.
Then as our connection became solidified peter enthusiastically requested if I would be interested in attending a prestigious music festival with his colourful fluorescent adolescent comrades. I vehemently agreed to this enticing invitation to the Glastonbury music festival. The wonder the joy of going to a music festival surrounded by young souls who cherished your company. Back then in my early twenties the social anxiety was tolerable. The few friendships i cultivated helped to assuage my paralysing social anxiety I’ve always suffered from. Today as a directionless schizoid thirty something the notion of attending a 3 day music festival surrounded by exuberant strangers fills me with dread and terror. I cant go out enjoying the social scene of the various pubs and clubs anymore. My schizoid and social anxiety disorders have grown so severe so endemic in my personality it precludes me from going out. Any form of protracted social intercourse is a anathema to my damaged schizoid self who craves solitude like oxygen for my soul.
In my early twenties i was overcome with excitement at the tantalising prospect of going to 3 day endless carnival of eclectic music. A festival in which fellow musical fanatics would traverse and congregate in the hallowed Glastonbury venue to pay reverence to their musical idols. Myself peter and his assortment of eccentric students travelled to this iconic musical venue. Back then all the anxiety was negated by my infatuation for peter this vision of idealised masculinity. We traversed to Glastonbury in a cavalcade of vehicles. There was approximately a dozen of us in our group of festival goers. The trip was a arduous journey to the musical nirvana of the sacred Glastonbury fields where we would indulge our music and hedonistic passions. We arrived at the gates of this eden we were overcome with elation at the assemblage of world famous musical outlets that would beguile us throughout the weekend. We entered the magical kingdom set up our rudimentary tents which provided us with shelter for the 3 days and nights. Tents that hopefully protected us from the elements of a typically wet Glastonbury June weekend. As i can recall the most illustrious acts that performed in this year were u2, Bruce Springsteen, the white stripes and Lana del Rey. All of these acts we were salivating with anticipation to witness in person their performances.
Throughout the carnival of music we drank to excess with reckless youthful abandon never really being sober. At the campsite alcohol was consumed voraciously. The highly potent alcoholic spirits was complemented perfectly with frequent use of cannabis. The weed was devoured insatiably in both eaten as a edible and smoked as a joint. This escapade to Glastonbury was a rare occurrence for me to leave my sheltered inertia life to experience the beauty of humanity. To escape the claustrophobic atmosphere of Mayberry to indulge my musical passions whilst being around life affirming humans. Now i never leave the confines of my home town to venture outside to the big bad world. In this time many years ago I felt truly alive my soul was infused alien sensations of joy and weird feelings of being happy. All these sublime ecstatic sensations that circulated my body was down to the heavenly friendship with peter who electrified me with illusions of love.
I contemplated disclosing my private amorous desires for him. That desire to bare my soul filled my damaged head with paralysing anxiety and at the same time excitement. The idyllic Glastonbury setting seemed to me the ideal place to divulge my previously repressed feelings for peter. The ethereal Glastonbury landscape with its visual feast of lurid colours that seduce the naked eye and the gathering of thousands of humans. Was the perfect locale to proclaim my love for this magnetic young adult.
By the time of the festival we held known each other for a considerable period of time. Becoming inseparable telepathic kindred spirits at work and in Mayberry for nearly 2 years. I had hidden suppressed my carnal desires for him for all that time. Within a week of really fully regarding peter as a close friend I fell madly in love with this angelic ashen faced being. Now i was resolute in my conviction now was the appropriate time and setting to make a sincere divulgence of the depths of my infatuation with him.
This wondrous festival progressed with us seeing a diverse variety of exemplary musical acts over the course of the weekend. I had decided to make my declaration of love on the Sunday night in order to avoid any embarrassment if peter rejected my vulnerable declaration of love. I tried to enjoy the Friday and Saturday entertainment to block out the anxiety the dread of being that emotionally honest and vulnerable to another person. My body my aching bones were paralysing self doubt the nervous energy permeated every organ every region of my scrawny body. Thoughts of what if he rejected me is he really gay why would he be attracted to a ugly freak like me. These questions these anxieties ruminated in my neurotic consciousness I believed it was highly possible peter would refuse my love. Trying to bury these thoughts until Sunday and savour getting stoned being lost in the psychedelic colours and beautiful otherworldly people that frequented this enchanting festival.
Friday and Saturday went by so rapidly with us viewing the likes of Bruce Springsteen and U2. Days spent in utter rapturous wonder with us getting intoxicated with potent mind altering substances and inspirational live music performances. Sunday arrived after 2 days of perpetual narcotic intoxication with my adult body surging with nervous energy. The idea of exposing my soul to peter weighed heavily on my fragile introverted mind. I envisioned this scenario in my imagination endlessly. Imagining the perfect erudite words i would eloquently articulate that would convey the depth if my love for him. I drifted into my fantasy world visualising us falling in love having sex. These illusionary thoughts permeated my mind over this weekend in the hallowed Glastonbury land. In the years our precious relationship developed i became increasingly obsessed with thoughts of sex and falling in love with peter the man of my dreams the only person I’ve fallen in love with.
This was the time i theorised to divulge my deepest suppressed secrets to my kindred TWC spirit. The right time to be completely vulnerable to take a chance on love for once in my vapid life. The day dragged on with our gang of consuming lavish quantities of alcohol that was complemented with a array of illicit chemicals. My nervous my dread intensified with each passing hour despite being both stoned and drink throughout the final festival day. I had concluded to make my heartfelt confession short after the final musical performance of the sensuous Lana del Rey who performs with her typical melodramatic feminine angst she would become our Sunday nights last entertainment. With every passing hour the anxiety levels escalated in me. I was filled with a foreboding of being rejected of my sincere declaration of love permanently impairing our beautiful friendship.
After witnessing a cornucopia of exemplary musical acts on Sunday after getting throughly inebriated and high with hallucinogenic chemicals. The group gathered to glimpse the seductive evocative power of a Lana del Rey performance. Lana wasn’t headlining the Sunday festival but performed across from the main stage. We were all unanimous in our decision to see Lana over another rock band. By the time her performance commenced i was in a tumult of nervousness. I was overcome with panic with paralysing nightmare premonitions of what might happen if i successfully made a public declaration of love for the angelic peter.
For months i had countless opportunities, nights out, drunken encounters when it was the prefect time to proclaim my amorous feelings for peter. I refrained due to my crippling shyness and moral cowardice from taking a unprecedented chance. I ruminated over the weekend on wether would i chicken out once more and recede into my comfortable shell. As this sublime final performance progressed my body tingled my hands were visibly shacking i couldn’t fully savour the majestic Lana del Rey set. I was too self obsessed with the audacious acts i was preparing in my neurotic head.
Then the divine Lana ended her live show. She bowed out to rapturous applause from a enthralled audience who had been treated to a flawless display of musical brilliance. The Glastonbury congregation receded from the stage towards their temporary campsites. I sensed the opportunity was here under the clear July skyline with the luminous display of the cosmos that beamed in the majestic Glastonbury nighttime. The stars radiance wasn’t obscured by light pollution the iridescent cosmos’s constellations add to the romantic ambience of the night in the twilight of this festival. I strolled back to the campsite the rest of the group were fortuitously far away from me and peter so now was the ideal moment to broadcast my enduring love for him.
I attempted to broach the subject of my deep romantic feelings for him with tremendous trepidation. My voice was trembling my mouth was suddenly dry i was jittering with uncontrollable nervousness. Like a coward a terrified introvert I retreated inwards. The palpable anxiety was too much of a hindrance the thought of rejection the humiliation the pain of having my tender heart broken. I realised in that moment the highly improbable possibility of peter reciprocating my amorous feelings. If i made a valiant decision to bare my soul this indispensable friendship would be irrecoverable damaged. In that moment i made a calculus to preserve a vital friendship as oppose to being totally vulnerable and expose my suppressed desires to a beautiful figure of uncorrupted youthful masculinity. I admit it was a gutless decision to was in keeping with my timorous personality.
The idyllic weekend was over and enduring memories of musical performances of public into action were imprinted on my psyche. This heavenly 3 day excursion is a time i revisit I reminisce as a time is was genuinely happy feeling like a integral part of the human race. It was along time ago when i wasn’t so acutely impaired by this debilitating personality disorder. I was almost a different person entirely a person form meaningful friendships who could lucidly articulate his emotions. In my early twenties when i was friends with peter i wasn’t living inside the walls of my personality being condemned to a life of perennial isolation living a life devoid of real human contact.
This weekend of hedonistic exuberance of dancing getting high on psychoactive substances where i witnessed a vast selection of charismatic musicians. This weekend was a transient moment where i luxuriated in the rich tapestry of the human race before I retreated forever into my cage of solitude. Myself and peter over many years would continue to frequent a variety of rock based summer music festivals over the years that solidified our intimate interconnection. Also we maintained our platonic relationship with sporadic nights out. Around the same period when I had cultivated a long term friendship with peter i was also friends with Philip and nick. My only two other real friends who like peter worked closely with me at TWC.
Philip nick and peter would join me for a once a month drinking binge on a nighttime adventure visiting the various Mayberry pubs and night clubs. We organised nights out with a multitude of characters connected with peter, nick and Philip. I had no real acquaintances outside of my sparse collection of workplace companions. These infrequent nights would be blissful occurrences of drunken excess. Where for a fleeting period in time i was transformed from the shadows of my self imposed solitude to this sanguine state of being. Feeling the warm embrace of my TWC peers being accepted as a equal as a valued human being.
On these nights we would inaugurate the proceedings by patronising a local bistro restaurant. Filling our empty stomachs with a plentiful high caloric cuisine before the sustained period of binge drinking. These nights out usually occurred on a Friday after a long monotonous week of laborious mind numbing work at TWC. We desperately needed a escape from the drudgery of menial work in a stultifying factory environment with a wondrous night of insatiable alcoholic consumption. At the bistro restaurant we complimented the unhealthy cuisine by drinking several pints of beer in a ravenous manner. Requiring that initial injection of alcohol to dull the senses to give us a blessed out sensation that occurs in the earls stages of getting wasted.
After the initial relaxing serene period inside the restaurant where the cuisine was mixed with alcoholic libations. We proceeded to our usual drunken crawl where we would briefly stay in the various pubs nightclubs where we drank with reckless abandon as we gorged on the alcoholic feast. In the clubs powerful alcoholic shots were gulped down with our insatiable appetite. Shore of whisky vodka and a varied smorgasbord of spirits cocktails voraciously indigested into our inebriated bloodstream. The same pattern of cocktails containing a amalgam of spirit and coke contained throughout this rapturous night.
On many occasions i personally over indulged and became paralytic with the detrimental effects of excessive binge drinking. On these instances of severe drunkenness my compassionate sparse group of friends cared for me looked after me when i was in a vulnerable dangerously intoxicated state. Peter was there to make sure I didn’t get into precarious situation making sure i get home safe. He at times despite being younger than me gave me sage advice advocating that I drank in a more measured mature and controlled manner. Peter unlike me was a functioning respectable adult whereas i even in my early twenties exhibit atypical behaviour when i was drunk in public. On these rare night when I overindulged by alcoholic intake I had the propensity to become violent or behave erratically when profuse amounts of alcohol were drunk in a relatively short period. The alcohol for me became a social lubricant that acted as a sedative calming my social anxiety and unbinding my social inhibitions. Getting drunk in my early to mid twenties was a prerequisite to function in these stressful social situations without having a anxiety attack.
For the main part i behaved in effervescent peaceful manner. The alcohol enabling me to enjoy the the music the convivial atmosphere of loquacious interactions with strangers and friends. On a habitual night out we continued the orgy of. Music highly potent alcoholic drinks and dancing with alluring women. We would wander from club to club with a wanderlust for new experiences staying no longer than a hour in a particular club.
The other members of our tribe were considerably more adept around attractive women. They exhibited social adroitness around the opposite sex demonstrating with aplomb all the social graces and attributes i lacked in my introverted social encumbered personality. I wanted to be this charismatic charming person who could easily talk to women who saw as a desirous young men. Instead i was a awkward physically unappealing oddball who women generally ignored or rebuked my timid sexual advances. On these infrequent night on the town i kept my bisexuality a secret just like I kept my feelings for peter hidden. Even in the elevated heights of my blissful drunken state my secret desires for peter were hidden in the vault of my mind.
This paradisiacal night continued until the early hours of the morning until we weren’t legally permitted to drink and dance any more. After leaving the last nightclub of a exultant night we took our weary bleary bodies to a takeaway. We finalised a idyllic night of extended intoxication with another high calorie greasy culinary treat. We devoured a cheese burger or sometimes a pizza which served as a perfect climax to a enchanting evening. Then we traversed to our various residences I usually strolled home lethargically with peter as he lived closely to my dank flat. The journey home there was deep unencumbered conversation. laughing conversed on our hopes aspirations for the future. We engaged in intimate at times vulnerable verbal exchanges. On many instances we sauntered home from a nights exertions and i came in my drunken stupor precariously close to revealing my deep love for peter. However my inability to make a audacious act of emotional revelation precluded myself from breaking the ice of repressed love.
This is how these rare night would progress from beginning to culmination with a abundance of alcohol being drunk as i for one night escaped the toil and moil of my working reality. Back then along time ago as a twenty something i could still function as a adult still felt like i part of the human race. Still was imbued with a feeling of belonging to this species unlike now where i feel like a grotesque alien creature leaving on the outside in my rusty cage. I reminisce at these rare moments when I had friends ventured outside my enclave to socialise with warm amicable humans. These memories fill my heart with melancholic nostalgia of the joyous time there is regret the sadness at the person i used to be. Now I’m almost a completely different being a emotionless robot living detached from human contact escaping to a elaborate inner fantasy world for emotional nourishment.
Despite my aversion to divulge my inner emotions to peter our intense bond continued to flourish. He was this beacon of light a figure of solace who mitigated my melancholic tendencies. Peter a symbol of coruscating inner beauty who assuaged the boredom of working at TWC. He made me laugh he made me smile with his dazzling wit his effervescent charming personality. Our conversations were easy no stilted awkwardness no dissonance between us. For years he was a protector who guarded with his enduring friendships against the demons lurking inside my subconsciousness. He was my main witness in the world who kept the walls and chains of schizoid at bay until i inevitably succumbed to the detrimental effects of my pernicious disorder.
A pivotal time in our relationship was when peter graduated from university. He had been concurrently studying for a degree at a prestigious university whilst working at TWC to supplement the cost of his education. He had successfully accomplished his goal of earning a university degree in english literature. From gaining a degree he would be able to progress out of Mayberry and move onwards to his ambition to become a eminent journalist or published writer. In light of the euphoria of graduating earning his degree with diligent hard work peter decided to throw a lavish post graduate party in his modest 2 bedroom house share. A house which he shared with fellow university students who likewise had just graduated from university with honours.
The party featured a multitude of his university peers his school friends and various employers at TWC who he beguiled with his warm extroverted personality. In this raucous party there was a cornucopia of alcoholic drinks available. There was also the consciousness distorting cannabis that was provided by the attendees to freely smoke and inhale. This party would be a critical moment in time, my best friend had achieved his higher education dreams and had the opportunity to leave this boring humdrum town. Whilst i would have to meander forever in menial employment being condemned to wander through adulthood in directionless apathetic nothingness. Having no goals no hopes no future. Now i had to contend with the imminent departure of peter from my life. He had made plans to escape from the trappings of Mayberry forthwith for the lure the excitement of London. He planned to vacate Mayberry indefinitely to leave me all alone without a best friends or potential soul mate.
All these forlorn thoughts were circulating in my head as i arrived for a rambunctious party. Of course i was overcome with joy at peter fulfilling his intellectual ambitions but was immensely sad and envious. He has studied assiduously to earn a prestigious degree at a prominent higher education institute. Whilst i had abandoned my intellectual aspirations through loss of drive and my social maladroitness. I had the intellectual acuity to emulate peters accomplishments but lacked he relentless drive lacked the fortitude to earn a higher education credential.
At the party i was on the outside projecting a exuberant vivacious visage that masked the pain of peters imminent departure from Mayberry. The festivities commenced early in the evening with loud music blaring and the imbibing of alcohol with insatiable fervency. The atmosphere of the party in peters humble rented abode was boisterous with newly graduated students revealing in this moment of educational achievement. Many of the guest who weren’t students were here to have a jubilant night of stimulating conversational and ecstatic public intoxication.
I however came to the party with surreptitious plans to finally disclose my love for peter. This would possible be the final occasion he would drink get stoned together. He confided with me that he had barely a month left to work at TWC before he would make the bold step to emigrate from this town forever. Where he venture into the field of journalism or maybe become a published writer. A month that’s all i had left to bask in the glow of this wonderful celestial creature descended from heaven. In a month he’d be gone to a better more economically and intellectually prosperous place where his stellar intellect could blossom. I was in this joyous evening resolute in my mind that i was going to finally declare my love for peter. Years i had squandered repressing these amorous feelings holding the homosexual desires inside of me. I feared the rejection the scaring humiliation of being that vulnerable and not have peter reciprocate my feelings. Now in the fervency of a lively party the last chance to realise my fantasies of falling in love of having sex with peter. All these years of fantasising of the nirvana of being in love of having that erotic intimacy where 2 spirits connect with the infinite cosmic beauty of love. The tantalising possibility that love was within my grasp both terrified and electrified my body with the sweet dream of tangible love. The kind of love and sex that only existed for me in my elaborate inner fantasy universe where love was a fantastical far fetched dream.
In this jubilant party I would have a final chance to pronounce my love for a statuesque unblemished uncorrupted heavenly creature. The alcohol fuelled celebration was gaining steam shots of whisky and vodka were ebulliently being drunk. I was drinking whisky and coke that helped to steady my nerves as I prepared myself to proclaim my lustful desires to peter. The guest were gradually getting drunk with each passing hour with each alcoholic unit that was ingested into their intoxicated bloodstream. Raucous rick music was played at a thunderous volume as the sounds echoed in the thin walls of this humble home. Peter was standing captivating me looking resplendent dancing to artic monkeys with youthful exuberance. He was drinking like me a cocktail of whiskey and coke,,, he drank voraciously like a man who wanted to bask in the glow of his stupendous educational achievement.
Hours flowed by so rapidly as our perception of time was distorted by abundant alcoholic intake. Midway through this celebration one of peters friends broke out the cannabis he’d brought along to peters party. Firstly he rolled a cartoonishly enormous joint that was passed around the party attendees who were eager to inhale the sweet psychoactive cannabis smoke. I partake enthusiastically in the smoking of this powerful illicit substance. Then after the fat cannabis joint was consumed he placed another batch of cannabis in one of peters rudimentary bangs. I like many of the guests participated in both of these methods of taking cannabis which elicited in me a immediate state of highness.
After the excessive devouring of alcohol and consciousness transformative chemicals i was in a blissed out sanguine mood. My body was still in a state of disquietude despite the sedative effects of cannabis. The enormity of what I was planning to do to articulate for once my rawest most sincere feelings to peter. Like always i procrastinated my declaration of love until later in that party when i was sufficiently intoxicated to carry out such a uncharacteristically bold action. Later on the nighty I planned my confession when my inhibitions had abated from the socially beneficial effects of getting inebriated on a variety of drugs.
Approximately at midnight where my body had reached the apex of drug induced nirvana. I made the courageous terrifying decision to finally reveal my love to peter. Finally for once in my vapid inconsequential life i would emancipate myself from the cage of repression and take a intrepid chance on love.
As I entered peters bedroom he was laying on his bed smoking whats remained off the cannabis in drifting into dazed euphoric states. He was all alone listening to joy division with the alluring aroma of marijuana permeating his cosy bedroom. I tentatively walked up the stairs still resolute in my conviction to bare my soul to this immaculate figure of masculine beauty. With every incremental footstep my heart was beating faster and faster, sweat was forming on my brow. Now i found the mere act of breathing a onerous task as the anxiety intensified as I approached peters private chamber.
Eventually after ascending to the peak of the steep stairs I reached peters room. I timorously knocked on his door peter with characteristic warmth beaconed me inside his private kingdom. I entered his bedroom gazes upon a heavenly being who was elevated by the voracious inhalation of cannabis. He offered me a hit of the bong which still contained a large quantity of cannabis. I ardently agreed to another mind altering hit of the illicit narcotic.
Then after inhaling the strong hallucinogenic chemical i opened the conversation. I made the first initial steps in the bold act of emotional revelation. My memory of our interaction is imprinted on my mind. I can recount verbatim every word every sentence every minute moment of non verbal communications that transpired in peters bedroom. The memory of our prolonged conversation exist in my mind as a vivid haunting memory.
After the potent dose of cannabis we were both sitting upright on the edge of peters luxury double bed. I broached the subject of my long-standing feelings for peter in my awkward manner. “ I am so high right now but there’s something important information i have to impart to you”. Peter responded lethargically in his stoned dazed state. “I am so high right now this is incredible weed what were you saying”
By now i was viably shaking with anxiety and had to hold back the tears before i divulged my secret to the alluringly stoned peter.
“ I need to make a confession this is possibly the last time we will be drunk or high together. I desperately need to convey some private intimate information to you”
by now i was sniffling holding back the dam of emotional torment that was threatening to cascade down by face. Peter responded with consternation he was perturbed by my odd behaviour.
“ Why are you acting so peculiar. You are behaving odd even for you whats on your mind.”
At this juncture the atmosphere in the cannabis infused room altered dramatically. There was a palpable tension as i began to sob almost uncontrollable as i responded to peters agitated remarks.
“ Please don’t go don’t go to London don’t leave me all alone in this desolate god forsaken place”
My eyes were now bloodshot as my face was drenched in a profusion of tears. Peter now gaged the sadness in my eyes ascertaining how despondent i was at his decision to vacate Mayberry.
Peter said “ I have to leave for myself. I have to exit this town to fulfil my potential. Why are you crying we will still talk we will still see each other from time to time. You wont be all alone in Mayberry you other friends”
I replied with a forlorn desperate declaration of my infatuation with peter. I was barely able to lucidly articulate my thoughts as my ashen face was soaked in waterfalls of emotional anguish. My voice trembled as i utter every word.
“ I need your friendship without you I’m nothing. Peter I’m in love with you i have been since the moment i first glimpsed your majestic angelic face. Every time i see you i feel alive i feel electrified my body is rendered ecstatic my otherworldly beauty.”
I became unconsolable with a rare display of emotional candour I allowed myself for once to be completely vulnerable. After I made this sincere proclamation of my love I could barely look peter in the eye. I knew in the depths of my psyche this statuesque intelligent socially adroit adult would refute my amorous desires for him. Peter was apoplectic at why i waited so long to proclaim my sexual desires my love for him until he was departing to London in a month.
“ Why are you telling me this now why have you wasted years suppressing theses emotions”
Peters blunt incandescent response still left me with a morsel of ambiguity whether he reciprocated my love. However in my self loathing mind I fathomed he wasnt in anyway sexually attracted to me. I with my melancholic demeanour elucidated why I suppressed these carnal desires for years.
“ I knew you’d reject me I protected myself from the hurt of your inevitable rejection. You are this beautiful charismatic intelligent person whereas I’m a socially awkward loser who can barely look in the mirror to look upon this grotesque image of a man”
I then sat down on the floor with my head in my hands as a broken man waiting anxiously for peter to deny me. Peter placed his delicate soft hands on my head and tenderly responded on my exacerbated proclamation of love.
“ You’re not ugly stop being so self deprecating so hard on yourself. I’m sorry though I’m not gay or bisexual. I’m just not attracted to you or men in general”
I got up felt emotional naked wanting to vacate this place knowing in my heart I’d never have a sexual relationship with the luscious peter. I walked towards the window observed the night sky with the elegant constellations illuminating the bleak Mayberry landscape. Then I starred deep into peters sky blue alluring eyes.
“ This is why i concealed my attraction to you because i knew you’d repel my sexual advances and i knew never in a million years you would reciprocate my love”
By now i had ceased crying but my visage was still wet with the profusion tears. Eyes still red from the excess of emotions that emanated out of my tear ducts. I was ready to abscond from peters rented residence to the safety and solitude of my dilapidated flat. Peter uttered one last before i left
“ I do care for you but as a friend please don’t let this destroy our friendship”
Then we embraced in a prolonged platonic hug with both of us crying being fully cognisant that our friendship was doomed to die as our lives drifted apart. After the hug was over i felt truly vulnerable for once in my emotional guarded adulthood. I preceded to run out of peters home leaving the party without uttering a perfunctory goodbye to any of the guests or to peter. I sprinted home needing the safety of my private enclave.
When i was inside the walls of my flat I made a private affirmation to abandon love to give up on the illusionary possibility of having a sexual partner. I decided to lead a life of chastity of solitude. The pain of my confession would leave indelible scars on my fragile heart. From this pivotal moment onwards I started to alter as a person. Before this event in peters bedroom i was exhibiting abnormal antisocial behaviour. I had few friends lead a life bereft of sexual validation. I struggled to be a fully autonomous person and existed in protracted periods of isolation. Now after the harrowing memory of peters rejection I altered considerably my behaviour. I began to retreat further inwards relaying on my extensive fantasy world for emotional nourishment as i eschewed human contact in favour of the allure of my idyllic inner dream wold.
The next few days weeks after being shunned by peter after i had that devastating heartbreaking moment, i fell into a dark depression. At work whilst peter was serving his final month of employment i avoided him entirely. I declined to answer the frequent phone calls refusing to respond to the deluge of vociferous text messages. On numerous occasions he attempted to contact me by knocking on my flat. On these occasions I simply laid down on my floor turned off all the lights turning off all the electrical appliances giving the false impression I wasn’t home. After the fateful party we never communicated meaningfully again i affectively ghosted peter from my sad nothing life.
At work when he came across each we would share a monosyllabic superficial pleasantries. I found maintaining the friendship would too painful given the deep wounds i suffered from his repudiation of my sexual desires for him. At TWC i shunned him almost completely rarely mailing eye contact. On the innumerable occasions he would stroll past me he attempted a superficial greeting I ignored him pretending he was a ghost a apparition. That what affectively we became a ghost a sad haunting memory that would never leave my gnarled mind. He now existed as a aching melancholic memory with the fantasy of what could have been. Falling in love having stupendous homosexual sex with a beautiful person who electrified me intellectual and sexually.
Peter after a long month of being ignored by a asocial weirdo finished his tenure at TWC and departed posthaste to London to hopefully bring his literary aspirations into fruition. I would never speak, meet or interact in any form of mass communication with this divine heavenly creature ever again. After his departure my already abnormal personality deteriorated over the next few years. I became cognisant i was afflicted with schizoid personality disorder when i was 19. At the time was aware i manifested schizoid like symptoms however up until my mid twenties was a able to live a seemingly normal functional adult life. When peter left me to spread his luscious wings and see the world his devastating rejection of my love only exacerbated these negative personality traits. These changes my increased propensity for solitude took place over a number of years. I still clung onto my sparse selection of friendships after peters devastating abrupt exit from Mayberry. However my need my desire to be alone to be separated from the human race, my aversion to intimacy left my minuscule selection of friendships doomed to fail. In a few years I abandoned these deeply meaningful friendships as my atypical personality disassociated further from mainstream society.
Slowly I faded away disappearing into the vast wilderness as i ceased venturing outside apart from going to my contractually mandated visits to the TWC warehouse. I made no effort whatsoever to cultivate new friendships as i collapsed within myself becoming submerged completely in my alluring utopian fantasy world. My entire personality changed drastically after the traumatising incident at peters graduation party. I went from being a kind warm timid introvert who had a limited emotional range to this emotionless aloof alien creature. I regressed retreated inwards and absconded from normal human relationship as i sequestered myself from fulfilling human connection.
That singular crushing moment where i was vulnerable and I had my fragile soul shattered changed my relationship with the human race. In the outside world in these rare occurrences i went outside my enclave i adopted a insouciant emotionless detached persona. Never did i smile laugh and i rarely conversed with the other humans except in monosyllabic responses. I sheltered myself in hermitage only appearing from my cave to traverse back and forth from my menial warehouse employment. I was always destined to deteriorate into a socially maladroit figure it was the harsh rebuff from the divine peter that was the catalyst that accelerated my decline.
Peters memory never faded from my mind. His coruscating image is ingrained in my psyche, now he’s a ghost haunting me fills me with regret. Everyday I daydream about him about the memories we shared in our brief but intense friendship. He never vanished from my vivid imagination his pallid pure visage his piercing radiant blue eyes were imprinted in the recesses of my mind. When i wasn’t fantasising about being a lionised rockstar I’d daydream about peter. Imagining the impossible dream of being in love having sex with the magnetic vision of human perfection.
I would look upon old photos of peter on Facebook which preserved the fading memory of our fleeting homoerotic friendship for posterity. I would gawk habitually at his new life his rich fulfilled life. A life he carved out for himself in the intimidating streets of London. From the photos from his Facebook page i gathered he had a beautiful wife 3 children and a prominent position in the publishing business as a editor and copy writer. He never attained his lofty ambitions to become a published revered writer. He did though diligent hard work construct a prosperous existence in London with his photogenic family. Whereas i languished in my intellectually barren unexceptional path I forged for myself because of apathy and mental illness. Peter strived he flourished as a Londoner living a colourful enriching life.
In the years we were estranged from each other I constantly checked how he was doing on social media which gave me a accurate representation of his situation. His beauty his radiant presence his warmth remained with me years after i severed my ties with him. I was wrecked with painful regrets at letting our friendship vanish into nothingness. Regret at not attempting to forge a romantic relationship earlier why did I procrastinate my bold decision to proclaim my love for him. There was regret at ignoring his vehement calls to reestablish our bond.
I view old photos and new whilst weeping tears of despair at letting this tender friendship slip away. He’s always there a thought a illusionary dream of homosexual love. I will never speak interact with him in any form of mass communication with him again to do would be so onerous on my fragile spirit. To break open the wounds of a past friendship a person i fell in love with would be excruciatingly painful. Peter will remain a enduring emotionally scarring memory that will torture my damaged soul until i cease being alive.