Chapter 9 Trapped Inside A Big Blue Dream

Ever since i was a infant i had this innate predilection to fantasise. Before I developed this emotional crippled personality disorder i had this atypical inclination to disappear into a elaborate fantasy world. A inner universe in which i created a alter ego alternative version of myself. A character that i could live vicariously through and his exciting imagined life. I always had a overactive imagination a propensity in my atypical personality to become submerged in a alluring dreamworld. It’s why i had a affinity for literature for long form storytelling for video games which enabled my childhood imagination to run free untethered from the constraints of the real world.

The early genesis of the creation of my expansive big blue dream world in which i could live out these exciting elaborate adventures was when i began to attend my primary school. This need to escape to fantasise started mainly because of how socially adrift i was even as a young child. I struggled to cultivate healthy long lasting friendships. I was this painfully shy deeply introverted child who was verbally inarticulate. The desire for friendship for a modicum of emotional connection that was absent from my life was compensated by the creation of this inner utopian world. This is why i began to conceptualise a vast fantasy universe in my head as a defuse mechanism and to negate the loneliness i faced from my early formative years. My childhood was marred with loneliness where i regarded myself as a other. Not a accepted normal human but a outsider who was precluded from the glorious normal human life affirming experiences. The world that existed in my head my infinite imagination was a perfect emotional anecdote for the void of friendship of meaningful human connection.

In my inner fantasy landscape i wasn’t this social outcast who struggled to form friendships. I wasn’t this verbally laconic emotionally inarticulate socially marooned individual but a articulate charismatic charming personality. I envisioned myself as a exciting traveller exploring new horizons. Creating this inner terrene was a means to enable my imagination to run free untethered from the constraints of being me and existing in the real world. The world i inhabited was a dull dreary black and white reality. The landscape in my head was a vibrant picturesque inner virtual reality. No boredom no mundanity but a utopian universe of boundless possibilities.

In my childhood the fantasising wasn’t as extensive as it became in my schizoid adulthood it was a background white noise in my infant consciousness. The fantasy land was a realm I retreated towards in these protracted periods of isolation. I had this crippling loneliness this aberrent self perception that i was a alien freak with a personality type which was alarmingly different to my school peers. The escapist mechanism of fantasising was integral in my survival in me functioning as a child with a abnormal personality it kept a semblance of sanity acting as a release valve. In reality i was a loser a bumbling inept child who struggled greatly to integrate with mainstream society. From my infancy i hated myself i was suffused with overwhelming feelings of self loathing. This quirk to escape to a elaborate dreamworld in my atypical character provided a assuagement and escape from being me. This propensity to fantasise prevailed in my personality throughout my childhood. Even as i started to develop socially and became less acutely introverted the need to exist in a fantasy realm persisted. Never liking myself or seeing myself as being a part of the human race. This trait of a atypical personality helped to mitigate the inner suffering the depression I experienced with being me.

This proclivity to fantasise stayed with me from my childhood into my adolescence. Even as i began to have a more normalised average childhood who had healthy friendships with my classmates. Daydreaming disappearing into fantasy role playing in which I could vicariously live through a imagined alter ego perfect version of myself never left me. It wasn’t at the time a symptom of a abnormal personality substituting a lack of emotional intimacy with a idealised inner reality. It was a idiosyncratic quirk of a hyperactive childhood imagination. It wasn’t until i manifested the alarming symptoms of a impairing personality disorder when I started to create a more complex inner fantasy existence.

When I was about 18 the indicators of a severe socially paralysing personality disorder became apparent in my behaviour. Around this pivotal period i had began to dissociate from the world to detach from my essential human relationships. I devolved into a aloof uncommunicative solitary figure as this inner virtual reality was being cultivated in my dysfunctional mind. It was a compensatory mechanism to alleviate the dearth of interpersonal connections i had as a young adult. As the schizoid metastasised in my character I yearned to be alone to disengage to disconnect from society to become a peripheral exiled figure. The genesis of this alter ego character a perfect alternative version of myself was forged in my private parallel universe.

As I abandoned the far fetched illusion of being a successful person who escaped the chains and fences of living in a deprived English town. I relinquished all these grandiose teenage dreams of being a creative charismatic musician who is adored by millions of fans. All the avenues and opportunities of exciting vocational endeavours were being shut down. As my aspirations for love seemed unimaginable due to the hinderances the detrimental symptoms of my disorder. As i regressed i needed this fantasy life as a emotional anaesthesia to ease the pain of being so socially marginalised. Never did i envision that i would turn out this way so alone cut adrift from humanity. I desired a life surrounded by people a life imbued with warmth. The intense anxiety the inability to connect with humans beyond the superficial being incapable to foster profound intimate interconnections lead to being a virtual social recluse. In the inception of my adulthood this alternative inner reality was being augmented in my consciousness. It was fostered as a function of escaping the boredom of my monotonous daily life. A mechanism that enabled me to escape being this alien freak prohibited to partake in normal rudimentary human activities. The inner world was perfect in escaping the self loathing the depression the feelings of depersonalisation.

This intricate universe started to take shape it evolved into something as full formed as vast as complex as actual reality. It was a virtual reality environment that i existed in vicariously, a interior landscape that sufficed me to live out my wildest fantasies. In this virtual imagined province i was truly free not inhabited by the impairments of my maladjusted personality. In my big blue dream the character I created was a socially gregarious verbally eloquent charismatic person. The character I created in my head was the complete antithesis of who i was in reality a ebullient extrovert. This world was so thoroughly intoxicating so much that my self collapsed into it. I disappeared neglecting the beauty the wonder of the real world into this imagined fantastical reality. In this universe i was liberated from the stress of interpersonal relationships. I could have long term romantic attachments without all the agitation all the internal anguish i would endure having this tangible experiences in reality. I could discern this utopian life from the drudgery of actual reality it wasn’t as if i was suffering under the embryonic stages of schizophrenia. Reality became so unappealing with no avenues of human connection that i collapsed into this alluring matrix of my own imagination.

The character I invented for myself to live vicariously through was a charismatic bipolar bisexual aspiring musician. Unlike myself he had the fortitude to pursue his dreams. He had the talent the relentless ambition to achieve his stratospheric goals. Even though he was this idealised version of me this figure was a flawed damaged soul. His extroverted personality diverged from me with his fearless drive his capacity for displays of emotional vulnerability. This person would never hide his innermost feelings wouldn’t retreat to a private fantasy world. Rather than being petrified of being vulnerable appearing emotionally naked informs of people he was this candid open hearted soul. Whereas i am frozen with terror at the mere thought of divulging my deepest darkest secrets to another being. This alternative figure needed to be emotionally naked to intimate friends in order to survive in order to maintain his sanity.

He had the temerity to leave the enclave of his home town my home town to seek a more unconventional bohemian existence. Wanting a life liberated from the drudgery of the rat race from dead end 9 till 5 soul destroying vocations, free from the manacles of family. By venturing into the world embarking on a spiritual and physical adventure he was free form all the noxious fumes of Mayberry. By extracting himself he was free to live a autonomous unbridled bohemian lifestyle. It’s a alternative set of life choices with a diametrically opposed personality type that I’ve created in the tombs of my mind. A alternative existence where i fantasise if i was this adventurous courageous man who broke free and had a completely uninhabited life. I ponder what if I wasn’t so trapped by a extremely introverted personality.

In this utopian fantasy land its a perfect idealised life that i have envisioned as a ambitious precocious teenager. Before the ravages of this pernicious disorder left my dreams crushed never to be fulfilled. In my elaborate fantasy life i map out an entire vibrant colourful lifespan. From early beginnings as a ambitious musician until a tragic death. Firstly i start the journey at the age of 16 where instead of continuing his education he leaves the doldrums of his hometown of Mayberry and embarks on a audacious bohemian adventure. This is the first aberrant act to defy the norms of society to break free from mainstream society and life the life of a aspiring creative artist. To go boldly on a exuberant traversal across various European cities seeing new cultures meeting exciting people. A excursion my timid introverted soul never had the resolve to undertake. I wanted desperately to live the life of a bohemian to traverse the globe as a successful musician. Instead i exist in sadness in regret that i am ensconced in this narrow enclave of Mayberry precluded from seeing the bright neon lights of other cities.

This fantasy existence allowed me to satiate my wanderlust a desire that would never be satisfied due to my severely impaired atypical personality. My alter ego left home abandoning family and was estranged for years from his immediate family. In this reality i castaway the shackles extracted myself from the toxicity of family. I severed the links in a bold act of youthful defiance and ran away. This imagined character was beset with psychological problems with undiagnosed bipolar manic depression. He is paralysed with lifelong mental health ailments. Even though he exists as a idealised version of me this character is besieged with mental health issues. However its a romanticised depiction of the tortured artist who battles with his demons. Who uses his depression as a muse for exemplary work of artistic genius. Ive given my alter ego a more poetic mental illness that doesn’t inhibit his artistic aspirations. A condition which doesn’t impede his desire for fame for love for financial prosperity. It’s a divergence from how my personality disorder has so adversely affected the quality of my life. A disorder that’s rendered me alone without love without friendship in a vapid life devoid of emotional connection.

He traverses across various cities exploring the alluring nightlife. Living as a backpacking traveller using his meagre savings to explore the lush vivacious European cities. It’s the fantasy of leaving behind the boredom of home and flying the cuckoos nest. My alter ego spends months navigating firstly to Paris spending weeks having a carefree hedonistic time. He explores the picturesque Parisian city with its breathtaking art and sublime architectural beauty. Sleeps most of the day and habitually goes out at night to the various Parisian nightclubs. Consuming illicit substances for the first time in his life where he experiments with consciousness altering narcotics which open him up to a new altered perception of reality. He smokes cannabis instantly becomes transfixed with this drug that takes him to higher plains of being. A wondrous drug that transforms his melancholic disposition into transitory moments of nirvana. I have fantasied endlessly about having a a life with taking copious quantities of exhilarating illicit substances. I’m prohibited due to my inability to form relationships and my proclivity for the solitude to purchase to consume these alluring drugs. I imagine getting stoned in my real life I have on sporadic occasions gotten high and on these rare instances it was a glorious experience. I want the daily dosage of being stoned to have that lifestyle you are required to form drug connections with acquaintances to barrel out of the inertia of my hermit shell. I have these illusions of being high having psychedelic drugs transforming my intellectually malnourished brain and Implanting this stimulation into my consciousness.

In this fantasy arena i am getting high with a vivacious extroverted group of friends experiencing these sublime psychedelic adventures. In my imagined life he travels across Europe being introduced to new sensations. Meeting exciting humans where he can explore his sexuality breaking open the barriers of sexually repression. It’s the life of sexual hedonism the lust the canal desires satisfied that I yearned for despite my inclination for the solitude. I desired a extensive range of sexual encounters with a multitude of sexual partners. The harsh reality is I’ve never had a boyfriends or girlfriend had only a singular unfulfilling sexual encounter. I desire greatly with every waking day dreaming of sex and being in love. All of these enriching fundamental human endeavours i have been deprived of due to this crippling disorder.

In this fantastical imagined life in which i am a radically different personality type than the real me. Contrasting not only in terms of being a ebullient charismatic individual but in my physical appearance. In reality i am this ugly repulsive unsightly man who cant even bare to gaze at his grotesque reflection in the mirror. In this fantasy realm my alter ego is this blindly attractive statuesque aesthetically pleasing beauty. His skin is pure and unblemished no spots no scars a immaculate complexion. His teeth when he smiles reveal a beaming iridescent smile. My alter ego never feels the depths of self conscious i endure. Never feels the need to hide his teeth in shame at the hideous smile. He shares comparable traits to me i that he is crippled with a pathological self loathing and doesn’t regard himself as being physically attractive. Despite being the recipient of sexual advances from people who find him sexually magnetic.

In my fantasy creation my alternative self relocates to Amsterdam where he fully explores his sexuality leading a promiscuous lifestyle. Amsterdam is where my alter ego lets go of the constraints of this awkward sexually repressed English teenager. Metamorphosing into a sexually adventurous young man with rapacious sexually appetite. I imagine a number of exhilarating scenarios that my alter ego encounters in a few months as he is located in this vibrant European city. Amsterdam is the locale where he officially loses his virginity. Rather than it being a romantic sentimental experience I imagined the loss of his sexual innocence into adulthood being a seminal moment of almost spiritual awakening. I have imagined my alter ego loses his virginity to a buxom Dutch prostitute. A lady prostitute of exceptional beauty with a voluptuous physique and fiery red hair and a body clothed in crimson attire. A figure of pure sexual fantasy that takes him to stratospheric states of sexual ecstasy. This women i imagine who introduces him to the wonders of erotic pleasure is the image of physical perfection that exist in my mind. The voluptuous hour glass body type the red hair the rouge lips with a red dress all are paradisiacal images that satisfy my sexual appetite. The sexual desires that will never be satisfied or validated in the real world. I can only dream about receiving this level of sexual bliss with a almost celestial beauty. My alter ego loses his virginity and its starting point for the rest if his adult life for losing himself in a hedonistic sensual life.

In the months he resides in Amsterdam he spends his saving living as a bohemian. He dreams of being famous being a venerated artist finding affirmation through notoriety. Amsterdam is the commencement of that colourful journey towards the actualisation of these grandiose visions of a auspicious career. In this alternative imagined life he embarks on a excess of sexual partners in the Venice of the north. He frequents the gay clubs to satiate his voracious sexual desires. At the same time he habitually visits the cafes by indulges his passion for mind altering hallucinogens. It’s the unconventional uninhabited alluring life free form the slavery of the 9 till 5 job. A life free from the oppressive forces of work and family. A truly autonomous life where he exist for new experiences new sensations new intoxicating characters. It’s a stark contrast to the boring isolated rut of a life i am cursed to endure. In the fantasy realm there’s no unfulfilled unrealised passions dreams and sexual desires are attained. Finding a alleviation of suicidal depression and self loathing with him forging genuine human connection in the picturesque streets of Amsterdam.

In my parallel imagined life with my polar opposite personality type he is a young man survives on a few thousand pounds of savings. He lives on the outskirts of society consuming illicit chemicals. He embarks on a series of casual sexual encounters with other men. At this pivotal moment he is still confused on his sexuality where on the sexual spectrum he lies cant decide whether he’s gay or bisexual. Sex is a validation of his existence to be regarded as physically alluring by other gay men. These sexual encounters are connections based purely on lust they are not encounters with individuals he shares a profound connection with. This life of hedonism is the life I always desired to have if i was a gregarious extrovert who had the social acuity to participate in this promiscuous lifestyle. In this fantasy arena i am consuming a cornucopia of narcotic stimulants to enhance the homoerotic sexual escapades. Snorting cocaine taking speed in gay nightclubs then engaging in pure hedonistic excess with other young men. These one night stands occur over a number of weeks where my alter ego becomes unconstrained from the chains of family of tradition of his previous repressed self. He forgets abandons entirely the agony of family. Abandon the lifeless vacuum of Mayberry to explore the rich universe of humanity.

In Amsterdam he continue to indulge his senses to expand his consciousness by taking marijuana whilst religiously devoting himself to the playing of the guitar. Playing for hours at a time in the fervid hope of mastering this musical instrument. This period in Amsterdam is not only when he is sexually emancipated but where his impressionable mind is turned on by great works of literature and poetry. Devoting all his free time towards reading revered poetry and eminent novelists. His mind is opened up to a fertile world of esteemed art. His childhood in Mayberry was a childhood deprived of culture where I wasn’t encouraged to illuminate my imagination with reading enrapturing verse and prose.

This pivotal period in my imagined existence in Amsterdam culminates in his first experience of being in love of discovering true emotional intimacy with another human. He falls in love with a man it is a heavenly life altering episode of this imagined life. A older Dutch man called David who he falls madly in love with in short ecstatic moment in my characters life. It’s a intense 2 month long romantic affair which serves as a brutal education into the agony and elation of being in love. This kind of intimacy this feeling of falling in love only exists in the depths of my imagination. My imagined fantasy character is able to articulate his poignant feelings for David with clarity with aplomb. Being vulnerable removing the mask of emotional repression is a quality my alter ego has which I greatly envy.

In this brief blissful spell he develops he matures as a person experiencing grievous pain as a result of being in love. He never hides behind a cloak of emotional numbness he engages deeply with the world with the human race. In my actual life I’m too petrified to be that candid a person to terrified to be completely vulnerable with another soul. I have these rare opportunities at happiness at love and never grasp these fleeting openings at love remaining this guarded aloof figure petrified of love of the tumult of being in love. Hence i hide from real tangible love and disappear into the allure of the fantasy environment where the anxiety of human interrelations isn’t their but i can experience emotional attachments in this utopian idealised world.

My idealised character feels for the first time the joy the emotional turbulence of love. It’s a profound learning experience as he is introduced into the world of adults to the infinite beauty of love and art. He is inaugurated into the bohemian milieu of Amsterdam into a exciting subculture of musicians, poets, printers, and writers. A fertile environment of creativity of excessive consumption of transformational psychedelic drugs that expand his teenage imagination. David my lover is abstract painter in his early thirties who imbues in him a fervent passion for life and art. The abrupt affair with David is a glorious education in love in the spiritual beauty of being in love in having intimacy with another soul sharing your bodies and innermost feelings. That level of intimacy I have discovered in reality so elusive almost unattainable with my asocial personality type. The imagined love is paradisiacal with their bodies rendered incandescent with the intensity of their connection.

This love romance lasted for months then ends abruptly. It was like awaking from a heavenly dream into a brutal nightmare of the harsh reality of being alone. The love as transitory as it was in this fantasy world is a place I revisit endlessly despite the fact it ends tragically the affair provides sustenance for my love starved soul. My alter ego after feeling the acid pain of being alone again of having his fragile heart shattered into shards of glass descends into a black dog of depression and suicidal contemplations. He suffers his first existential crisis seriously excogitating ending his life. Despite being a perfect version of me with a diametrically opposed personality he is a flawed damaged person. However his flaws his demons are muses for his artistic creations bringing him success. His defects are exposed to the world without evasion or reticent. My personality glitches my darkness are hidden away in the tunnels of my consciousness never to be articulated to another soul.

He realises he has to depart from Amsterdam and relocate to another enticing European city. He struggles with depression with the deep seated emotional scars of this intense romantic engagement he has with David. He takes his sadness his ambitions for artistic greatness takes his meagre savings he has left after months of profuse drug taking and departs to another beguiling city.

In my imagined existence of imagined version of me realising my lofty aspirations this imagined character embarks on his next enticing adventure in the majestic city of Dublin. It’s a city I’ve always exalted I’ve romanticised in my vast imagination. Dublin is my version of Paris a city in which illusions of love of meeting a soul mate can be actualised. It’s the city i had dreams of visiting or perhaps emigrating to if I wasn’t so acutely socially impaired with the detrimental symptoms of a schizoid personality. In my virtual inner world my alter ego figure migrates to Dublin after the turmoil of having his heart broken. He moves to this vibrant poetic city allowing himself to escape the depression the negative memories of a broken affair that had so much promise. He moves into the most deprived area of this cultural city.

He lives initially a humdrum life living on the outskirts of society. Not knowing anybody feeling like a alien in a strange land. He is desperate to cultivate meaningful connections with people wanting to break out of the hollow of despair after the cession of his tumultuous romance with David. For a cursory moment he abandons his bohemian unconventional life for a more prescriptive ordered 9 till 5 insipid life. Working in a factory earning a paltry wage making barely enough to survive. He resides in a crime ridden block of flats where there is a epidemic of drug addiction and homelessness. His bleak desolate backdrop serves as a muse for his creative pretentious. However his situation his living quarters the prosaic employment seem a million miles from these grand illusionary envisions of fame. This is a point in which my fantasy life runs parallel pattern to my reality. Where this idyllic imagined life seems comparable to my forlorn life. He finds himself completely alone in a strange city not knowing anybody barely surviving in soul destroying poverty inducing employment. His life ruins a duplicate pattern to my bleak existence however he resides in a different city and his extracted himself form the pernicious tentacles of family.

He still unlike me holds a flickering candle of a dream of musical eminence that he assumes will nullify the myriad of psychological problems he is afflicted with. He hasn’t yet neglected his musician vocation he writes poetry voraciously. Composing bountiful musical verse that will one day become seminal songs that be viewed as anthems of a generation. He persists with his intellectual literary education in reading lionised works of European literature in the hope it will inspire him to birth sublime songwriting creations. This is how he occupies his free time away from the drudgery the mental slavery of his factory work existing as a virtual recluse religiously devoted to his calling of being a musician. Working fervently to enhance his musical prowess with the electric guitar. Playing day and night working diligently to elevate his musical proficiency. At this juncture in his life he has sunk into the valley of despair. He lives without the ameliorating benefit of friendship living a life devoid of any meaningful human interaction. He exists as a marginalised figure occupying a dark flat with minimal possessions. He struggles to function with the detrimental conditions of his undiagnosed untreated mental illness. This might seem perverse that I fantasise a perfect life with a character completely alone submerged in depression. Yet in my damaged mind its a romanticised view of the starving tortured artist having a prolonged period of being socially exiled living in the wilderness.

My alter ego is on a precipitous downward spiral towards suicide. It’s a fatalistic path he is descending to after the glory of the preceding months travelling across Europe having transformative life altering experiences. Then one day his his melancholic life chances irrevocably with a chance meeting with a magnetic stranger. On a rainy Dublin night he is drowning his sorrows in a Dublin bar. Not engaging in fluent verbose exchanges with the fellow drinkers at this traditional Dublin drinking establishment. He sits down getting increasingly intoxicated in his solitude then in this dank public establishment appears a Venus a overpowering image of feminism beauty. In my fantasy life this is the most momentous moment when his life transformed with this serendipitous meeting with a coruscating Irish beauty. When he falls in love with a beguiling voluptuous Irish redhead and has that lifelong emotional attachment that’s been so glaringly absent in my vapid life. In my reality the fantasy the nirvana if being in love of having sublime transcendental sex never happened for me.

In this utopian virtual reality existence a stunningly attractive curvaceous Irish redhead walks into this particular bar walking into my characters life. Like an angle descending from heaven she appears to save him from the wretchedness of depression saving him from his downward spiral into oblivion. She engages him in conversation treating him like a equal making him feel human. Up until this pivotal moment he had been going down a dark path towards suicide. He had been meandering in a directionless empty life existing as a complete stranger in a strange new city. Then this Irish angel materialised in his life and the iridescent glow of her effervescent warm personality washed away all the sadness. In this night he and this ethereal Irish nymph named Corrina had a instantaneous attraction to each other. As she laughed engaged in discursive loquacious conversations he was mystified why this heavenly creature was so interested in him asking himself why is she flirting with laughing at my jokes. It was a wondrous night of laughing, drinking and flirtatious intercommunication. A night where he breaks the vicious cycle of the bleak lonely life.

Corrina is this perfect vision of feminine beauty that exists in my imagination. A luscious Irish redhead with generous physical proportions who exudes this aura of warmth and kindness. This women exists in the real world but my maladjusted personality is precluded from broaching a conversation with a intimating beauty. I never make myself physically or emotionally available so the chances of falling in love seem remote. If this scenario occurred in actual reality I wouldn’t partake in small talk i would become overwhelmed with the stress the awkwardness conversing with a buxom photogenic redhead. I would hide inside my hermit shell put on the schizoid mask of aloof and indifference despite having these unexpressed libidinous desires. He unlike myself grasps this opportunity with vigour with a lust for being alive. Participating in deep conversation with this women of porcelain complexion and finds a soul who pulls him up of the funk the suicidal thoughts that had preoccupied his mind since the collapse of this affair with the Dutch painter.

The night concludes with him walking Corrina home to her student apartment. As they reach her apartment they embrace in a passionate hug whilst making a sincere promise to reconnect on a actual romantic date. After this transformative encounter he is imbued with feelings of joy of hope the crushing weight of heartbreak has lifted away. Certain that he has just had a connection with the love of his life with a person who he might just spend the rest of his adult life in close intimate proximity with. He has the overwhelming sensation of being in love of meeting his saviour. A angelic sentient being that will be a figure of comfort of emotional blanket that will protect him in periods of prolonged suicidal depression. Corrina in the future will be his muse who will inspire prominent work of songwriting genius.

This is the most consequential night of my alter egos life where he meets his soul mate his creative muse. A women who opens up his mind to a vast ocean of possibilities. A Irish seductress who exposes his impressionable mind to the artistic community in Dublin she ingrains him a confidence to fulfil his prodigious talent in the field of music. Corrina this beacon of light who gives him blinding rays of hope that will protect him in the darkest time when he seriously contemplates suicide. This life defining experience is another example of how my imagined perfect life takes a radically divergent path than me. In my pathetic ostracised life there have been fleeting rare opportunities of love of happiness which have been presented to me. Like a coward I’ve have run from these brief windows of finding love.

In my big blue dream my alter ego has his spirits elevated from a abject despondent state to this elated state of consciousness. He saunters home with blood pulsating in his veins with illusions of love with a new revitalised list for life. This once barren bleak vista is transformed into a lush land of promise. Walking home to his dingy grim 1 bedroom flat in the most deprived impoverished area of Dublin with a renewed zest for being alive. The dysphoria he felt upon relocating to Dublin has monetarily departed from his melancholic spirit. He arrives to his abode in the decrepit setting but his adolescence head is transfixed by his chance encounter with a ravishing women of his dream. Just interacting with Corrina for a evening floods his consciousness with inspiration as he spends the night composing poetry inspired by meeting this angel who descended form heaven. For days after connecting with Corrina her arresting beguiling countenance is imprinted in the consciousness of his young mind.

He maintains his mundane menial employment which pays him barely enough to survive. All the while being obsessed with this voluptuous charismatic redhead. At home in his protracted isolation he writes epic lines of poetic verse galvanised by meeting such a enchanting women. He waits patiently for another rendezvous wanting to be introduced to her circle of friends to finally break the cycle of terminal loneliness.

In Dublin at this time he is comparable to my life in that he exists without meaningful human contact having no friends no acquaintances. Only encountering humans at work of the infrequent encounters with his neighbours. In which he finds great solace in these rare human conversations. Even if it’s with a neighbours who’s ravaged by drug addiction who exists on the outskirts of society. Now this fateful encounter takes him out of the mire of social deprivation out of the bleak future he was aimlessly falling into.

A week came to pass when he finally plucked up the moxie to arrange a legitimate date with Corrina. It would be a momentous evening that alters his life irrevocably for the better. He arranges a night out at a restaurant in Dublin in the heart of this vibrant city. This is the memorable evenings of romance of dining of conversation and drinking i endlessly fantasise about. With meeting the love of your life having a profound spiritual connection with another human being. Being entirely vulnerable to be uninhabited being unafraid to bare your soul to another person. Falling in love going on a paradisiacal date in which 2 lost souls find the spark of love in his cruel savage world. This empyrean night never happened to me, i have been deprived of love never embarked on a date never had the gumption or fortitude to ask out another person on a date. Never been the object of lustful advances i have remained a ghost to the human race a asexual aloof social dream.

In the fantasy landscape this date is the continuation of his auspicious journey towards the treasure chest of love. I visualise in my mind every specific minuscule detail of this sublime night out. Fantasising about him getting ready making this self conscious neurotic individual feel alluring when taking a heavenly beauty of pure physical perfection on a date. Even in his existence he finds it unbelievable almost unfathomable why a shimmering Irish nymph is attracted to him physically or enticed by his personality. Yet despite these paralysing self doubts swirling in his neurotic adolescent brain he recognises the fantastical possibility of going on a date which might lead to passionate sex to a lifetime of spiritual ecstasy. Before he departs outside to a fateful date he clothes his scrawny ashen body in his most comely attire. Then he checks his pasty visage in the bathroom mirror before embarking on a date of destiny.

As he traverses towards the chosen restaurant his body and soul is consumed with panic attack inducing anxiety with the weight of expectation. Never before has he felt so infatuated with another person not even with his brief tumultuous affair with david were these amorous feelings so intense. Now as walks with nervous energy he is near to the restaurant close to Corrina his luscious date. His heart is pounding at a accelerated pace. He can barely walk from the fervent of anticipation swarming round his body.

Then the moment arrives he reaches his destination his destiny awaits inside the restaurant he sees this iridescent celestial beauty beckoning him to enter the restaurant. She welcomes him in to a night of enrapturing jovial conversation with the enticing possibility of physical and emotional euphoric bliss. As he beholds Corrina adorned in a seductive costume his consciousness floods with psychedelic visions of love. Then his eyes fix upon this Greek goddess who’s body is draped in a sea of crimson clothing. She has fiery red hair red lips a low cut red dress which reveals her voluptuous figure. Corrina is the idealised image of a women he wanted to fall in love with a women adorned in a vision of red a seductive sensual colour that electrifies his libidinous desires. The dream the ecstasy of having a date interacting with a sensuous crimson haired Irish women. She is the archetypal vision of female perfection my fantasy of a perfect physical form. A women who also possesses many of the positive personality attributes. A women who exudes warmth and humanity a extroverted gregarious person who would give him the courage the support to overcome his demons. This opportunity this fortuitous chance meeting at happiness never occurred in my love starved emotionless wasteland of a life.

In my inner world the date commences they sit down at the trendy eatery. The conversation is initially uncomfortable. Then as the nerves subside the repartee flows as they recommence their cordial human connection. Corrina conducts the majority of the talking in her effusive loquacious verbal manner. My alter ego sits there in awe in transfixed nirvana at this beauty envisioning how this relationship will flourish in the future. He gazes intensely into Corrinas luminescent sparkling green eyes that eminent kindness. He looks upon her sensual passionate red lips his body tingles with excitement that this Irish nymph is sexually attracted to him. On this transformative date filled with effusive conversion a date amplified with laughter, on this date there is a bond a cosmic connection that transpires over the course of the evening. He feels a serenity a heavenly blissed out state just existing in the vicinity of this Irish angel. The date in his exemplary Dublin eating establishment lasts for a couple of hours in the romantic ambience. This date is my idealised vision of a perfect with laughter with eloquent fluent verbal exchanges. With the tantalising promise of physical consummation of love.

In this imagined idyllic first real date Corrina and my alter ego have devoured a bountiful quantity of various alcoholic beverages. They are intoxicated with the side effects of profuse intake of alcoholic libations and are intoxicated with the drug of desire. After many hours of exhilarating interlocution the couple settle the bill depart from the romantic ambience of the trendy restaurant into the picturesque Dublin nighttime.

The time is fast approaching midnight they stroll casually interlocking their arms around their youthful bodies. It’s a radiant clear night in Dublin where they are transfixed at the majestic beauty of the cosmos illuminated in the skyline. The couple hands feeling electrified with sexual fervour. This imagined idealised date is everything I perpetually fantasise about with sadness at the lack of love and physical intimacy in my pathetic existence. To be loved to be touched to have a poignant connection with a beautiful person who’s very ameliorating presence dissolves all the self loathing. On this date that only exists in my overactive imagination the beguiled couple arrive at her student accommodation. His body is tingling with the tantalising promise of a passionate kiss of those honeyed sensuous lips with the dream of sexual intercourse.

Corrina invites him inside her apartment he is transfixed by her majestic porcelain skin and her curvaceous sensual body. They get inside her comely aesthetically pleasing student accommodation. His heart is pounding at the heavenly feasibility of sexual intercourse. He scrutinises the living room quarters of this lush multi roomed apartment he looks at the surroundings filled with art hanging on the walls sees a assortment of musical instruments including a classical piano. The aesthetic the decor of this artistic student abode are the antithesis of the decor of his sparsely decorated bleak flat. The area of Dublin where this apartment is situated is a more affluent area of the city. The architecturally pleasing apartment is located in the bohemian artistic quarter of Dublin. Where he lived was in the crime and drug infested region of the city. His part of city was permeated with drug addicts homelessness and individuals living on the outskirts of society. In Corrinas apartment which was cohabited with her fellow student comrades was a vastly contrasting environment to his impoverished area of Dublin. It’s a world of colour of young aspirational idealistic bohemians living in a artistic fertile area.

On this glorious night the apartment was vacant there’s only him and the luscious corrina with the tantalising promise of carnal satisfaction. Corrina rolled a joint whilst playing romantic classical music that reverberated across all the rooms of the apartment. The music helped create a more serene amorous ambience in the living room. The cannabis infused joint was smoked together they shared this psychoactive substance. Now as well as being throughly intoxicated with the copious units of alcohol they consumed at the restaurant they were stoned immaculate feeling the euphoric effects of this wonderful illicit narcotic. Consuming this chemical with the music blaring in the background helped to intensify the sexual energy in this colourful vibrant apartment. The cannabis served as a percent aphrodisiac taking him to a elevated heavenly state helping to alleviate the anxiety he was feeling earlier in the evening before the excessive devouring of intoxicants. As the joint was finished the potent effects were being felt by the erotically charged couple. After they finished the joint they kissed it was a kiss of love of electrified erotic embrace. A physical demonstration of the love they felt for each other a kiss a manifestation of love i am precluded for ever experiencing in reality. This elongated amorous embrace served as foreplay for the now inevitable possibility of sexual gratification. The beneficial effects of the smoked hallucinogen were flowing deep in our altered state of consciousness. Then corrina requested that they entered into her private kingdom into her bedroom.

It’s obvious they were going to consummate their burning desire for each other. She beyond all rational sense found him attractive and he apparently possessed many of the alluring personality characteristics that made this voluptuous sensual Irish beauty want to sleep with him. As he accessed corrina boudoir the decor of the room is awash in these feminine colours. His stoned mind was racing with anticipation at the majestic realisation they were about to have sex. The kind of passionate intimate sex that i have sadly been deprived of in my lonely empty life. In fantasy my desires are satisfied in this paradisiacal imagined vision of passionate lovemaking. Corrina sits with him on her bed he lays down in his stoned chemical altered state. She gently gets undressed removing individual items of clothing in a slow and measured manner. The gradualness of the undressing only serves to heighten the sexual energy that pulsated through his teenage body. This will be the first instance he will be engaging in sexual intercourse with a women he has deep emotional feelings for. It is a seminal moment in my characters life where a pathway opens up into a exciting world of sexual gratification in the physical perfection of sex. This essential human experience which due to my debilitating disorder have been denied from participating in. In the harshness of reality i will never get to taste the sweet honeyed fruits of sex. In this elaborate fantasy universe a imagined version of me can acquire the sublime experiences of sex and love.

On this night of initiation into immaculate pleasure into a realm of spiritual nirvana My alter ego feels his body feeling his blood race at the tantalising prospect of sex. Corrina this angelic beauty slowly reveals her perfect voluptuous naked body. She presents this perfect image of feminine beauty. She was vulnerable and unafraid at the same time wanting him to be inaugurated into a heavenly world of shared erotic bliss. Her naked frame displays her prefect ample breasts with curvaceous hips and a body bereft of any imperfection. Corrina in her naked vulnerability asks him his thoughts on her flawless Irish body. He’s was struck inarticulate not being able to verbally elucidate his feeling upon seeing this wondrous naked vision.

Corrina then politely asked if he wanted to reciprocate and reveal his skinny ashen teenage body. He agreed to her request with trepidation slowly removing items of clothing until he was completely naked. Rather then being repulsed by his lean pencil frame corrina beyond all logical explanation found him physically attractive. He in that moment felt fiercely vulnerable and discovered the transformative beauty of 2 naked souls experiencing cosmic intimacy. As he and his Irish lover are naked they make rapturous love connecting as one. He felt the lead weight of the sadness the loneliness the self loathing evaporate in these moments of erotic elevation. The passionate voracious lovemaking lasts for hours it’s the immaculate flawless sex that only exists in depths of my imagination or in pornography. It’s him by chance meeting a perfect women of his dreams with long flowing auburn hair and generous physical proportions taking him into stratospheric levels of bliss.

After many hours of intense fornication they adjourn to be 2 quavering young bodies lying together in a blissed out state of oneness having a emotional kinship which would last for eternity. It’s the physical fruition of being in love of having fearless intimacy that i will always be excluded from due to my socially impairing disorder. I have fantasied about this euphoric night of love and sex complemented with the consumption of consciousness altering drugs continuously. I repeat it in my love starved consciousness, frequently its a sad reminder of the emptiness of my real life. In my dreamland of a perfect existence my alternative self has a blissful sleep wakes up a radically altered human being. A individual in love inducted into the magical theatre of fulfilled realised sexual fantasies.

He wakes up in this terra incognito landscape. A world of love of emotional and sexual validation. In this world he is transformed from the mire of suicidal depression into a heavenly state in this heavenly place of corrinas bedroom. In a bedroom adorned in flowery wallpaper with a abundance of flowers and plants filling this artistic bedroom. A decor that has a aura of femininity and warmth with the flower colours and exorbitant amounts of flowers and house plants inside corrinas private sleeping quarters. As he and his new lover awakened from their enchanted slumber. She looks passionately into his iridescent vulnerable eyes they share a exquisite kiss a emblem of their immortal spiritual bond. The type of love that seems so unattainable so unimaginable to me that can only exist fo me in my wild imagination.

Then they arise from a horizontal position in corrinas boudoir and he is introduced into her circle of artists student who reside in this multi roomed apartment. The student occupied apartment is a 4 bedroomed filled with a variety of students studying in art based studies. It’s a den of creativity a salon where ideas are discussed. A fertile environment where artistic talent was allowed to flourish to flower without fear of ridicule or failure. These wonderful young Irish students greeted him with stereotypical Irish friendliness and amiability. He was imbued with something i have never had in my own existence a real connection with a large tribe of acquaintances. Where his personality was accepted where he could live emancipated form his inhibitions as a consequence if being initiated into a circle of bohemians.

Over breakfast they shared lucid conversations they talked about their creative aspirations he divulged about his past his current bleak living situation. Then corrina sauntered in fresh from the shower she sat right by his side holding his hand and the butterflies of love ran through his youthful body. This is the fantasy of love and friendship that is so elusive a illusory dream that will never attained in reality.

In my inner fantasy my alter ego leaves this idyllic apartment situated in the more cultured artistic area of Dublin to my bleak desolate residence. Corrina frequently visits his minimalist flat she has no qualms no prejudges about dating somebody who resides in a impoverished neighbourhood who is a starving artist. He cautiously shows her his poetry which he hopes will one day be translated into iconic music. Corrina rather than rejecting these youthful embryonic artistic creations was blown away by the lyrical eloquence of his poetic verse. Many of these poems were about corrina who by now had become his muse. I have this wild vision of him showing corrina his poetic compositions and she is overcome by the beauty of his poetry bursts into tears and embraces him in a impassioned hug. Only in my vast imagination are these beautiful experiences seem plausible and tangible.

Corrina not only provides him with a artistic awakening but also was this figure of encouragement that give him renewed self confidence in his ability to become a successful artist. That he firmly believed he had the musical acuity to succeed as a musician and songwriter. This was a momentous period of his life where he engaged in the early stages of a everlasting love affair and was also inducted into a circle of friends. Irish friends which would provide him with comfort and sanctuary from his emotional tribulations.

The most important friendships within this intimate group of young artist that he cultivated was with a young man named Cillian O’Connor a charismatic guitarist and painter. It’s with Cillian he develops a profound musical kinship with. He will become his primary artistic collaborator who will share his success and with their songwriting partnership they will conquer the world experiencing the wonders of fame and musical eminence. In the early stages of their friendship they bonded deeply over music, mainly rock music. Music was the catalyst for their artistic connection it’s where they formulate their profound essential friendship. The type of intimate homoerotic connection that’s so lacking in my solitary life. I yearn for that platonic spiritual connection with another man a deep kinship that endures over throughout our adulthood. Instead i have to resort to fantasising about having a companion like Cillian.

When we first met cillian was 17 going to art college where he was studying creative arts and design. His primary passion was music passions which were elucidated through his immaculate playing of the guitar. His secondary artistic pursuit he excelled at was the visual arts where he painted abstract artistic visions on the canvass. Mainly though he had a overriding insatiable desire to be a rockstar to be a iconic immortalised venerated musician. With my alter ego cillian found a musical soulmate a person who could fulfil his lofty ambitions. In my imagined existence my alter ego is a underdeveloped guitarist who is still learning to master his craft. With the teachings and inspiration of cillian he was able to undergo a metamorphosis into a consummate guitarist. This miraculous transformation occurred over the course of a few months in which he dogmatically devoted himself to improving his proficiency with the guitar. This obsessively devotion to his guitar enabled him to become a highly dexterous guitarist.

In my inner world i envisage a wondrous night out with his tight group of Dubliner cohorts. It’s a life changing night which is fuelled by abundant intake of alcoholic libations and illicit substances. This is the genesis of his poignant friendships are formed on this pivotal night out on the effervescent streets and clubs of Dublin. A night where indelible bonds are cultivated over our shared love of music. These friendships were forged shortly after he commenced his tumultuous relationship with his ravishingly Irish goddess.

A couple of weeks after falling for Corrina and consummating their love, she encourages him fervently to relocate to her more affluent cultured apartment located in a artistic alcove of Dublin. She wants him to make a significant brave commitment in the nascent stage of their blossoming relationship. Again in reality i would never take this courageous step. My asocial personality that craves solitude has acute disquiet over living in close proximity with anybody. My fantasy creation finds this level of intimacy considerably more preferable indeed he needs intimacy as a emotional crutch to mitigate his bouts of depression. He moves in with corrina shortly after she vehemently requested he relocated to her apartment. Moving in with corrina and a intimate group of artists, students, and struggling ambitions free spirited extroverts who are living a unconventional life. It’s a imagined exciting full life surrounded by beautiful exemplars of humanity who turn him on to exemplary works of literature, poetry and art. It’s a idealised existence i desired but because of my atypical character I have to resort to creating elaborative immersive fantasy universe to vicariously experience this romanticised fantasy of being a struggling artist.

Corrina invites him into this arena of intellectual discussion of fertile artistic collaboration. It’s not only a magical world of love where he’s sheltered from the storms of depression but a environment that his precocious artistic talent can flourish in. She invited me like an angel into a life of sex, love, being hugged being treated as a human being with value. I imagine this life where illicit drugs are voraciously consumed. Where he digests a daily diet of weed combined with amphetamine stimulants to enhance his prolific creative output and enhance the pleasure of being alive. He experiments in the safety of his newly founded circle of friends with powerful psychedelic consciousness shifting drugs. These innumerable drugs experiences these psychedelic trips are of great benefit to his creativity. They give him inspiration for new ideas for mew poems new songwriting compositions. I have always dreamed about devouring a cornucopia of psychoactive and stimulant drugs that expand my narrow perception of reality. The impediments of my social dysfunctional personality make it impossible to procure these enticing mind altering chemicals.

I envisage getting stoned with corrina enjoying mind blowing intercourse. In my inner fantasy universe I regularly fantasise about having sex whilst high on magic mushrooms or on lsd. Combining sex with cocaine its the life of a hedonistic libertine I wanted but never had the fortitude or extroverted personality to live this type of lifestyle. A fully hedonistic uninhabited vivacious life free from the chains and walls of my disorder can only be actualised in my imagination.

This is the life he envisioned for himself in his teenage years before his transcendence into musical immortality. Even though this fantasy creation is a exemplary version of me. This alternative character I’ve invented in my head is far from a perfect human being. He’s a flawed antihero who is afflicted with prolonged bouts of depression. I have created this bipolar artist tortured with untreated suicidal depression. The depression will inspire him to create exquisite poetry and musical songs. In his adolescent period his mental illness remains a untreated suffering regaulary from acute bouts of black dog depression which regularly threatens his fragile finite existence.

After coexisting with corrina for a number of months she becomes convinced that he is afflicted with a undiagnosed mental illness. Her love her boundless compassion compelled her to demand her lover to seek help for his untreated psychosis. In my reality i never had a special person who cared deeply enough to push me towards the enormous psychological benefits of speaking with a qualified professional therapist. Instead in protracted isolation my symptoms and illness has festered like a virus infecting my entire body. Corrina recognises his untreated psychological condition forcing him with her indomitable unconditional love to seek the ameliorating help of a therapist. He hates the idea of going to a therapist and divulging his darkest secrets. Corrina has to drag him kicking and screaming Into this terrifying arena of psychotherapy. In this alternative reality he has that emotional support network that impels to see a trained therapist. The treatment sessions allows him to take prescribed medications enabling him to mitigate the symptoms of his mental illness. The therapy helps him to alleviate the depression it also serves to stimulate his poetic writings. Having a qualified therapist where he confides his darkest innermost feelings his fears is a tremendous advantage for his further endeavour as a venerated rock star.

His coerced decision to visit a therapist is another glaring example of where my alter ego and myself have taken radially divergent pathways in life. In not having the gumption to seek the psychological healing embrace of a counsellor or a therapist has detrimentally affected my personality the quality of my mental health. In the matrix of my imagination the therapy prevents him from committing these injurious self destructive acts. He despite the therapy sessions regularly self harms still contemplates suicide. In his teenage adolescent period he is compelled to cover up these self mutilated wounds only revealing his masochistic actions to his therapist. This future rock god has to undergo frequent treatment on various depression and rehab centres. The therapy the prescription medication helps to alleviate the symptoms of his bipolar depression however it doesn’t thwart entirely his spirals into suicidal depression.

I imagine his life from 17 until he is 21 when he is a struggling artist learning his craft learning to adjust to his mental disorder. In these formative period before he actualises his grandiose ambitions of success he exists mostly as a unemployed bohemian artist spending the majority of his free time writing imaginative exemplary poetry. Spending numerous hours dedicated to improving his virtuosity with the guitar with the piano. In between his obsessive compulsive dedication towards his artistic passions his love for corrina continues to blossom. It is a tumultuous passionate relationship having incessant arguments where they broke up and made up on a regular basis. I envision this perfect fragile intimate connection with him and corrina. Where she is his vital buttress protecting him from his destructive suicidal tendencies. She is his muse for his future works of lyrical genius.

His adolescent pre fame years were occupied with insatiable consumption of a array of narcotics that stimulate that inspire his lyrical eloquent writings. Mainly though he is this unemployed starving artist struggling with a paralysing mental illness. In my twisted maladjusted imagination its a idealised romanticised vision of artist struggling to discover a modicum of recognition for his prodigious talent. It’s a poetic impression of a young artist endeavouring to survive with being emotional tortured with being afflicted with protracted bouts of severe depression.

In this pivotal juncture of his life he’s still cultivating his talent by performing live. He takes the courageous act of forcing himself to be vulnerable by performing original poetry at bohemian clubs. Clubs in which poets stand ups avant agree artist debut their creations. Concurrently as he developing his poetry style with live performance he accepts a invitation from his best friend cillian intro his rock band. This undiscovered band is a indie band called the beatniks. Named after the infamous group of seminal writers that emerged in the 1950’s who adopted a unconventional lifestyle. My alter ego like me was enamoured with the writings the lifestyle philosophies of the beatniks and drew immense inspiration from the novels of jack kerouac, the seminal poetry of Alamein Ginsberg.

The musical ambitions were beginning to take shape as the beatniks continued to perform and write new material. The writing and performing of poetry was a method where he developed his lyrical talents in the hope of emulating his literary and musical idols. He idealised artists such as Bob Dylan, led zeppelin, Jimi Hendrix influential voices of a generation bands like nirvana and joy division. There are his and his band mates sources of inspiration who’s musical brilliance would inspire prodigious works of songwriting excellence.

In the years before they broke through and became successful he was crippled with depression. He relied on prescription anti depressant medication to balance his moods to alleviate his suicidal predilections. On one critical occasion he was blighted for weeks with a relentless oppressive depressed state. Then in an act of desperation he requested his divine lover corrina if she would assist him in ending his painful existence. Rather than it being a legitimate suicide attempt its a desperate cry for help. In this world we has the moxie to divulge his darkest feelings of suicide to his lover. We have the mental acuity to express his despairing feelings to ameliorate a dark psychological situation through an extreme act of emotional revelation. After this extroverted cry fo help he is convinced to enter a depression centre. A safe space where he can rehabilitate and receive essential treatment for his injurious mental illness. In his life his bipolar manic depression will habitually result in him having to stay in rehab depression centres and occasionally mental institutions.

This is the first instance of him voluntarily entering a place where he will be treated for his clinical depression. The first of numerous occasions in which he is required to stay for a prolonged period of time at a rehab centre to treat his psychological condition. In this particular depression centre the patients are young people in drastic need of treatment for a variety of issues. Mainly the centre is permeated with patients suffering from clinical depression. This is also young patients suffering with drug addiction with eating disorders.

My alter ego who exists solely in my head is lost in the darkness and shadows of his tortured fractured mind. Convinced he’ll be unable to carry on breathing the sweet oxygen of life. His mind mired in consumed with thoughts of suicide contemplating innumerable methods of ending his life. He enters the facility for the social outcasts for those afflicted with life threatening metal illnesses. This brief period where he resides in a spiritual rejuvenating ambience of a depression centre. A centre in which can connect with other comrades broken beaten by their addictions by psychosis. In this dublin rehab centre for lost souls there are drug addicts, anorexics, those who have long term depression. In this place of healing he through months of group therapy sessions through daily psychological analysis is able to overcome his life threatening black dog depression. The months away from the hum and mire of the austere world cloistered in this serene beneficial environment. He is able to mediate to introspect to full recover from a bleak sustained period of depression.

He’s able to revitalise his weary soul to find new inspiration by connecting with amazing people who share their painful stories. Having these shared experiencing in a locale in which everyone is free from the judgement of normal people. Gives him new insight into other mental conditions that blight a young persons development into adulthood. There is one extraordinary human being that he meet in this rehab centre. A person who makes a significant impact on his life. This individual is a 20 year old women named cara who’s been acutely afflicted with anorexia eating disorder. She’s painfully emaciated to the point she faces great adversity in even walking. Cara has to resort to use a walking stick as a support for her fragile painfully skinny frame. In this depression centre she has become his confident he intimate acquaintance. In this depression centre catered for young people you are assigned a companion who shares a beneficial alliance assisting each other in your recovery and redemption form your condition. Cara is assigned to my alter ego who assists him, they forge a platonic intimate connection.

Since the age of 12 cara has been blighted with a life threatening eating disorder. Never seeing herself as beautiful having this distorted perception of herself, being afflicted with a hatred of herself. Her pernicious eating disorder has resulted in cara spending prolonged periods in rehab in clinics that specialise in treating eating disorders. Despite her malnourished skeletal frame she is a radiant beauty. Behind all the sadness the self loathing the depression is a otherworldly ethereal beautiful women. She has eyes of piercing beauty that gaze deep into the depths of your soul without aversion or artifice. He develops over the duration of a farewell months a profound deep interconnection with cara. It’s a friendships based upon mutual shared experiences of emotional torment.

His association with this angelic celestial beauty is a enormous beneficial friendship that flourished in a short time period into a beautiful platonic kinship. He seriously considers leaving corrina for cara. Despite caras glaring imperfections and flaws she is a wondrous beauty who appreciates understands his internal suffering. Cara inside this insular depression centre community demonstrates the depths of her precocious artistic talent. She is a proficient painter of impressionist art. By painting this impressionist canvasses she is able to elucidate her inner battle with depression and anorexia. Her other talent was her exquisite playing of the cello. Playing the elegant cello concerto to him in this depression centre which has access to a multitude of musical instruments. She is able to convey to my alter ego her vulnerability her torment her beauty her love for him though the gorgeous meditative cello concerto.

In the fantasy realm i vicariously exist in, cara suddenly one day declares her love her infatuation for him. She is immensely attracted to his physically apperception and his alluring charismatic personality. There’s a moment in rehab where she confronts him unleashes her feelings for him. This is a tender moment of vulnerability and sensitivity where he tells her that he cant leave corrina for her. That he desires he needs her warmth her friendship to prevent him from descending into the valley of desolation. Their love remains a platonic one my alter ego does love her passionately and finds her attractive but his love his commitment to corrina is unbreakable. He could never start a affair even with a beauty a living tinker bell cara. He needs badly corrinas strength her kindness to keep him from falling into the abyss of mental illness. Corrina was the rock that prevented him form slipping into the mire of depression. She dragged him kicking and screaming into therapy into rehab. She hugged him when he bled tears of desolation she made him feel a worthy loved human being he could never forsake her.

After a sustained stay in this depression centre he departs for the outside world as a healed transformed person. He is greeted by corrina who radiates love and beauty. They hug and kiss he feels elevated to a higher plain of consciousness just being in close proximity to her sublime divine presence. These are the connections the poignant enduring friendships i ached for, intimate relationships that are impossible to obtain. Being hugged by a friend sharing a kiss with a lover having even a modicum of human contact will only be realised in my inner fantasy world.

After vacating the depression which was a salutary experience he was revitalised fully rehabilitated from his protracted bout of grievous depression. He was released into society into a terrifying exciting ocean of possibilities. He was embraced by the loving bosom of corrinas love he was reintegrated into the salubrious environment of his closest tribe of friends. He was showered with love cherished as a person made to feel like a human being that had value.

After months apart from each other the amorous couple reconnect emotionally and physically. Corrina with her feminine allure with her seductive charismatic personality reminded him of the beauty of being alive of being in love. Also he was reconciled with his vivacious circle of bohemian companions. The wonder to be reconnected with this vibrant group of young artists, musicians poets that provide him with a lush fertile social milieu for his artistic creativity. A environment where he was free to divulge his inner demons and he wasn’t mocked derided for his struggle with a crippling mental illness. A beguiling environment I always dreamed of existing in. A place surrounded by artists intellectuals dedicating there lives to their creative passions. People who have untethered themselves from the slavery of the rat race. A social climate in which i am free to be myself free from the chains of shame and emotional repression.

At this point in my alter egos life he is in his early twenties, still toiling to break through and achieve the validation of artistic success. He struggles to maintain a semblance of sanity trying by continuing his therapy and taking antidepressant medication to hold back the black wolf of suicidal thoughts. Upon leaving the depression centre he nurtures preserves his platonic kinship with cara. Their friendship helps cara recuperate form the doldrums of depression she endured when they first were acquainted. With being intimately associated with my alter ego cara cultivates a more salutary relationship with her body image with food. The relationship is platonic despite caras infatuation with him and the deep emotional attraction they feel for each other. Cara by socialising with him outside the cloister of the depression centre is inaugurated into his intimate conglomerate of charismatic young artists. Corrina my love my venus in human form embraces cara as a friends as a equal, showering cara with abundant warmth. Recognising this fragile anorexic special connection with him and why he needed and still needs this benevolent friendship

In this time he is reinvigorated to write poetry to write new songs with his undiscovered band. He is reborn after the trauma of the near fatal experience with a critical bout of depression. He has a new lust for creativity he performs his written lyrical writings regularly in the poetry clubs. Performing these original pieces of verse with fresh vigour exuding a ebullient extroverted energy with every uninhabited performance. He senses the genesis of something exceptional after the turmoil of his adolescent depression. He believes him and his bands breakthrough into musical immortality is imminent. Still they are a collection of starving unsuccessful artists trying to survive trying diligently to fulfil their stratospheric musical ambitions.

At the same time his relationship with his luscious lover corrina flourished into a pure intense passion that will never fade never dim with the ravages of time. They traverse around the world in exotic exciting excursions that broaden their depth of knowledge that illuminate their understanding of humanity. He partakes in the type of transformational foreign adventures i have fantasised about but due to the social limitations of my disorder I’m hindered denied from experiencing. Travel adventures in Europe into the Far East travelling as backpacking freewheeling bohemian nomads being imbued with the wonders of the naturals world of different exotic cultures. These enterprises abroad enabled him to broaden his creative palette, to expand his collection of experiences giving him a more enlightened understanding of humanity of the human condition. These life affirming intoxicating excursions involved his charismatic tribe of free spirited eccentric friends. In my fantasy world my alter ego traverses to these romantic picturesque awe inspiring vistas that illuminate his bipolar imagination.

His ebullient mixture of idiosyncratic characters live liberated from the mental slavery of a 9 till 5 menial vocation. They broke free from a prescriptive regimented routine to life a pure nirvana adult existence. He and his effervescent Irish cohorts are free form the moil the dirge of soul destroying employment to expand their collective consciousnesses. They glimpse visual stunning landscapes whilst broaden their perception of reality of the meaning of life with consciousness expanding psychedelic drugs. This is the exhilarating perfect existence that i had envisioned for myself in my idealistic introverted teenage years before the schizoid personality disorder shattered my illusions for the future. I can only have visit these far flung exotic locations in my vast elaborate inner fantasy world.

There’s a significant dark event in his life. A tragedy that befalls him a cataclysmic event which irrevocably changes him. A event that permanently scars his soul with a wound that he’ll never fully recover from. The beautiful fragile person cara that he cultivated a intimate connection with who enabled him to recover from a critical bout of suicidal depression suffers a tragic self inflicted accident.

The beautiful friendship that was fostered in the salutary depression centre continued to flourish outside of the shelter of the rehab clinic. Cara religiously devoted herself to playing the cello. Expanding her repertoire of cello concertos to become a more adept and dexterous cellist. She appeared to be improving in her fragile mental state putting on weight going regularly to therapy sessions taking prescription medications which mitigated her illness. She began to attend musical college where she was studying to become a virtuoso with the cello.

Then one day my alter ego was hit with a tsunami of despair. He received a terrifying phone call from Cara’s mother she said that in a erratic moment of desperation had taken her life. Cara had taken a nihilistic decision to end the pain to end the interminable emotional torture of being anorexic. She hanged herself ending the excruciating pain ending the misery of being so tortured on the inside. As this appalling news gradually hit him as the weight of losing a close friend forever he fell to his knees. He sunk on the floor in a moment of inconsolable pain. Rivers of despair streamed down his pale face. He fell rapidly into a gloomy haze of depression and uncontrollable unrelenting agony.

After learning of this harrowing news he got up from the floor where he laid prostrate and got inside his bed. He was in fetal position hoping for some relief some abatement in the blackness he felt in the depths of his soul. He searched frantically for another person to comfort him to share his unbearable grief. He found corrina this goddess of infinite warmth and humanity. She hugged him as he delineated the grievous news of the tragic suicide of cara. Corrina who had grown to feel a feminine kinship with cara reciprocated his tears with waterfall of emotional despair emanating down her perfect porcelain face. They hugged kissed shared passionate intimate embraces of affection on this grave day of wretched sadness.

It’s weird to have moments such as these that I constantly revisit in my intricate inner fantasy universe. To fantasise romanticise about life altering tragedies is indicative of my melancholic imagination. In my real life i have never experienced suicide never felt that acid sadness. Never felt such a harrowing ordeal of losing a person i shared a cosmic connection with. In reality i never feel that level of pain that grief. I walk around in prolonged stress of emotional numbness appearing like a lifeless listless zombie to other people. Feeling nothing for anybody not being incapable of forming meaningful relationships. I fantasise about experiencing moments of abject emotional desolation. I fantasise also about encountering moments of pure ecstatic happiness having these experiencing that are so vital so beautiful but unimaginable with my detached isolated maladjusted personality.

My alter ego descends deeper into a emotional abyss as the grief hits him harder with every incremental minute that passes. In the midst of this desolation corrina embraces him hugs him they share together as a couple this overwhelming loss. They listen to seminal classical music mainly listening to meditative cello compositions. In remembrance of cara’s virtuosity with the cello especially the cello concerto of Elgar. Which they listen to on repeat for hours with tears pouring down their broken dejected faces.

Days of mourning followed with him submerging into a critical depression. He refused to even visit the decaying body of cara, the pain of glimpsing her fragile ravaged body would be too much for him to deal with in his brittle mental state. Instead he started to descend into a state of paralysing shock exhibiting the preliminary symptoms of ptsd. Rather than healthily mourning for cara he represses he numbs himself to the broken shards of glass lurking in his subconscious. He withdraws from society pushes those who love who cherish him away. The depression the darkness takes hold of him the cancer returns as he detaches himself from the warm bosom of corrinas love. He withdraws removes himself rom his close collection of eccentric friends taking more drastic self destructive actions to numb the pain. He ceases taking his vital anti depressant mediation which is imperative in preventing severe cases of depression.

In the midst of this tsunami of sadness came the dreadful inevitable funeral of his beloved friend cara. A friend he shared a deep spiritual kinship with a women he contemplated engaging in a sexual relationship with. He loved her as a platonic soulmate he loved her forever cara would be forever in his thoughts. She had made a indelible impression in the brief time they were acquainted with each other.

At the funeral he was emotional numb with his face ashen like a ghost. All of the friends, relatives, fellow eating disorder sufferers were adorned in traditional black attire. My fantasy character was asked by caras mother to write a poem. This was the request of cara on her forlorn succinct suicide note he obliged wanting to obey caras ardent funeral demand. The funeral service commenced my alter ego sat in a robotic almost catatonic state unable to process or express this level of grief.

The decisive time had arrived when he was required to deliver a poetic oration. A poem he planned to elucidate his thoughts on cara on depression on the enormous beneficial impact this beauty angel had on him. He illustrated with lyrical eloquence the hollow of sadness he was feeling from caras untimely demise. For a fleeting instant he became emotional allowing himself to articulate his private agony of losing cara. Then he sat down eyes drenched in tears he sank into a distant isolated place removing himself from society. The service carried on the moving piece of classical music was thunderously played inside this Catholic Church. Caras favourite piece Elgar cello concerto boomed out of the rudimentary church speakers the sound was deafening. The soaring melancholic playing of the cello the sadness enhanced with every note every sublime playing of the cello. It was agony and ecstasy rolled into a emotionally exhilarating 7 minute piece. Still he retained his stoic exterior his robotic shellshocked face despite all the inner suffering he was enduring.

That poignant piece of musical genius by Elgar was tattooed onto his damaged consciousness. It would forever be a remembrance of caras incandescent beauty a brutal reminder of the tragedy of her fleeting life. Hearing that haunting playing of the cello was a devastating memory jolt of the waste of her prodigious musical talent by suffering under a pernicious pathological mental illness.

The funeral concluded the mourning, grieving continued long after the torturous funereal service. None of his thoughts of suicide seemed to subside for weeks after her sudden shocking death. Time didn’t mitigate the sadness rather these negative feelings were intensified as he had to cope with losing on of his closest dearest friends. In the days that followed he prolonged his ptsd depressed state in the wake of caras death. Rather than seeking professional help or taking antidepressant medication or embracing the beneficial salutary glow of friendship he withdraw from life from humanity.

The death and subsequent funeral of a confidant resulted in several months of a critical mental breakdown. He ceased consuming vital life preserving pharmaceutical medication that would help to alleviate to nullify dark suicidal predilections. He discontinued his psychotherapy sessions because of the unbearable pain was too much to divulge to a qualified professional. Finally he took the drastic detrimental decision to sever his enormously enriching loving relationship with corrina. He retreated away from the incandescence of love regressing far away from the warmth of corrina into the dark forest of isolation. He knew in the vaults of his mind he was descending into a shadowy desolate barren emotional inner landscape. By rejecting the love of his enchanting Irish goddess he posited in his damaged mentally ill mind that he was protecting corrina and himself from the hurt she would endure by being so intimately associated with him.

After callously breaking up from corrina he relocated to cillians flat. Corrina was inconsolable with anxiety over his sudden decline in his mental faculties and over losing her soulmate. She begged him to seek help to not back apart from her. In her luminous character she attempted passionately to persuade him to preserve this passionate love connection. He was to stubborn to resolute in his thinking to reverse his destructive actions. He believed he needed to exile himself form friendships form those who loved him.

Weeks went by he resided at cillian cosy 1 bedroomed flat where he slept on a large sofa. He became increasingly withdrawn uncommunicative in his demeanour . He put on a stoic aloof exterior persona that he postulated would protect he him from a cold icy indifferent world. By repressing the negativity allowing himself to deny to numb these painful haunting memories of caras death the grief calcified into a protracted state of pernicious life threatening depression.

Instead of consuming soft harmless narcotics like cannabis or alcohol or taking mood stabilising antidepressants that regulated his maniac depression. He started to procure and take powerful dangerous drugs which were having a deleterious effect on his physical and mental health. Disappearing for days taking abundant amounts of crack cocaine getting high on speed allowing his body to feel some elation in a ocean of despair. He had effectively given up on life gradually lost the will the lust to live and subsequently was taking these self destructive masochistic choices. By this time he was close to suicide was desperately searching for a reason to exist to sustain his tenuous fragile life.

He spent days at a time ensconced in the local crack house in the deprived area of Dublin. A crack house which was populated with heroin addicts junkies voraciously nihilistically digesting opiates and methamphetamines. This house of junkies was inhabited by the economic underclass those who were marginalised forgotten by society. The occupiers of this illegal crack house were lost they were physically broken people many were afflicted with untreated mental illnesses. Here was my alter ego languishing in this island of human ghosts. He was inoculating his noxious depression with potent hard core drugs that allowed him to dull the painful haunting memories of cara of the love he shared with corrina.

He would drift between the crack house the abyss for broken damned souls and cillians flat. He was increasingly unresponsive a withdrawn a virtual ghost never venturing outside to the pubs and clubs where his bohemian friends frequented. He incessantly thought about death the aura of death permeated his consciousness as his social interaction outside of cillian and a few junkies became increasingly limited. This once effervescent gregarious charismatic young man had been reduced to this shell of a man slowly dying letting all his glowing lights inside of him become extinguished by the darkness.

Cillian grew progressively concerned with his rapidly detracting mental condition. He pleaded vehemently for his best friend to seek help to stop voraciously taking these powerful illicit substances and recommence taking his antidepressant medication. Cillian implored him that he urgently required professional help of a therapist telling my alter ego that he loved him immensely. Everyday cillian reminded him of his fact hugging him imbuing him with his platonic homoerotic affection. Cillian at this juncture was gravely concerned that his best friends would commit suicide. He was seriously contemplating having him sectioned or voluntarily placed in a mental institute that would treat his severe depressed state.

Cillian would meet up with his circle of eccentric Irish companions and discuss my characters drastic mental decline. He pleaded and implored them to consider having my alter ego sectioned having him legally committed into a psychiatric institute because he believed he was a danger to himself. He petitioned his closest acquaintances to supervise to care for his dejected English friend making certain he wouldn’t kill himself in this dark sustained period of critical depression.

When my alter ego had a mental breakdown in the darkness he was protected he was sheltered from the fire and rain of his own damaged mental state with the salutary glow of friendship. Cillian in the heights of his disquietude over his band mates mental state begged corrina to speak to her exlover. He was cognisant that he still loved corrina that her warm ebullient personality would offer him a chance at salvation a slither of hope from the emotional abyss he was floundering in. Corrina acquiesced to cillian insistent plea to reconnect with her estranged ex.

In the weeks months since they last me when my imagined version of me had taken a sudden decision to tear asunder this beneficial romance. In that time the ethereal sensuous redhead had plundered into a states of anxiety and depression. The abrupt dissolution of their glorious love affair had plunged her into a torturous period of sadness and grief at the loss of her love. She felt perpetual anguish at the love of her life precipitous decline in his mental state. I imagine that corrina entire world is negatively affected that she is rendered a emotional wreck by the sudden separation from her English lover and his mental breakdown following caras successful suicide attempt. The breakup had a deleterious effect on her mental health as she suffered from insomnia and anxiety over her lovers descent into becoming severely mental ill. Racked with guilt with sadness over the desperate situation she yearns to see him once again to embrace him to be his salvation his redemption from his private hollow of despair.

It’s with tremendous apprehension she consents to cillians vehement requests that she finally reconnect with her mentally ill lover. She would attempt to use her feminine womanly charms to lure his from the jaws of oblivion. She hoped to compel his to seek the help of a therapist to persuade him life was worth living. The meeting occurs corrina knows in her soul its a last desperate audacious attempt to salvage the love of her life from his nightmare ordeal.

Corrina for this rendezvous wears a alluring red coat her entire attire is intended to evoke vivid memories of love. She is audaciously attempting to charm to persuade him to reverse his destructive nihilistic behaviour. With her alluring voluptuous beautiful presence she wants to seduce him to make him fall in love again with this sensuous Irish goddess once more. When she is adorned in her crimson attire she is a exemplary image of warmth and beauty striving to bring him back into the world assiduously trying to avert another tragic early suicide.

My alter ego in his emotional purgatory still holds deep feeling towards corrina. The love hasn’t diminished she is sill in his mind this ethereal iridescent nymph sent form heaven to transform to save this flawed tortured young man. He though is drowning he has severed his bond with corrina in a attempt to safeguard her from the pain of being intimately associated with him. He is convinced in his damaged psyche that he’s on a dark journey towards eradicating himself from the world or he’s going to exist surviving in protracted states of psychological torture. He’s believes he is saving her from the hurt the suffering she will have to weather being bonded intimately with this tortured young artist.

In this rendezvous occurring in cillians modest apartment corrina knocks on the door. My alternative version of me reluctantly and lethargically answers the door. Agreeing to let his former lover inside his current living quarters. Just seeing corrinas beautiful porcelain flawless visage is a painful experience. Corrina represents love and sanguine feeling for the future she is the light that illuminates and enlightens his entire sentient being. Therefore meeting her is a final grasp of a slowly fading dream of a happiness. He’s lost in the abyss in the valley of despair unable to perceive of a pathway out of his forlorn mental state.

When corrina enters the apartment he is high on a variety of dangerous substances. His mental state is fragile and is precariously close to the edge of oblivion. He opens up the door with his sad empty eyes transmitting a numb vacant expression in the windows of his soul. She embraces him with a passionate vivacious hug that was indicative of her boundless unconditional love for him. Her demeanour and aura is the polar opposite to his languid emotional vacant disposition. The initial conversation is awkward corrina the loquacious extroverted iridescent beauty conducting the majority of the talking in her characteristic effusive style. He shows no discernible emotion retains his stoic countenance. He is gone has removed himself from the world of people and is seriously contemplating ending his life.

Corrinas lustrous otherworldly beauty cant salvage him from the psychological nightmare he’s trapped inside. Her kind words of love wont salvage him form his doomed drowning ship. This reunion serves as a futile effort corrina diligently attempted to redeem him form the ruinous direction he was heading towards. She tenaciously tried to persuade him to visit a therapist to recommence consuming his diet of antidepressant medications. All these efforts were to no avail as he obstinately refused rejected her vehement requests pushing away corrina, knowing he needed to extricate her form his life to alleviate her of any future emotional torment. The abrupt rendezvous ended the 2 young souls kissing each other on their respective cheeks. He visually articulated to her that he still passionately and profoundly loved her. Through a simply gesture of affection he conveyed his love his devotion to her. He articulated to her candidly that he ended the romance to protect her form the inevitable hurt from being physically intimate with a manic depressive with suicidal predilections.

As the final interaction ended after my characters kind impassioned display of unequivocal love for her she sheds a profusion of tears that poured down her ghost like face like a waterfall. She was cognisant with gut wrenching anguish that despite her charms her best efforts she couldn’t convince him to get help to retiring to the wam bosom of her effusive love. He was resolute in his stubborn tortured mind to end his life expeditiously.He looked on with despair as he watches this ravishingly angelic beauty depart from his life. He knows now in the depths of his soul he’ll never see, speak, feel, kiss her sublime face again. After that he sat down falling on the sofa and starts to dry floods of tears at this devastating realisation.

He has come to the edge of a precipice in his damaged psyche. Ascertaining that the intensity of the pain is unbearable to continue subsisting. Now he is resolute in his mind to take the nihilistic decision to commit suicide. By now he’s not a functional young adult but merely a mentally ill emotional crippled tortured soul ravaged by drug addiction and haunted by memories of caras suicide. He is fairly cognisant of the reality that’s he cant survive function existing anymore in this universe.

Now he begins to meticulously plan his untimely demise. Feeling there’s no light no reason no purpose in continuing to exist in a inhospitable world. Planning rigorously the manner of the suicide deciding whether or not he will leave a courteous note. A note which would elucidate the reasons for his death. A note illustrating the darkness in his mind. The suicide note would be a final piece of artistic expression musing on his inner demons. A powerful piece of verse paying homage to the beautiful beings in dublin that imbued his tragic finite life with transitory moments of elation. Writing this elongated piece of poetic verse a exquisite eloquent elegy from his unfulfilled tortured mind. In this final artistic composition he would express his deep infinite love for corrina describing how she transformed him and brought colour into his bleak melancholic life. He would conclude this despairing poetic lamentation describing succinctly his final thoughts on himself on the lovers and friends who we fraternised with. He writes this with bloodshot eyes haunted by depression and harrowing memories of cara. A gaunt body with a face devoid of colour wanting to end it. A body and soul ravaged by mental illness and pernicious hard core drugs. The poetic note is concluded as he prepares the lethal concoction of chemicals that will hopefully render his body lifeless.

In this fantasy universe he decides to consume a abundance of sleeping pills and a lethal dosage of absinthe, a toxic cocktail that would surely poison his fragile body. He acquired the deadly amount of sleeping pills with ease from the pharmacy and the dangerous absinthe from the local liquor store. He surreptitiously planned his suicide telling nobody his plans for self annihilation. He remained locked inside isolation hidden away from the world. Cillian invites him out for an evening of drinking and sanguine conversation. He naturally declined in a terse listless manner. Then as cillian vacates his humble apartment he glimpses his beautiful face for perhaps the last time. Hs is cognisant of the mortifying realisation once agin his bloody opiate laced eyes well up with tears of abject sadness. His ashen emaciated body makes the final plans before he expunged his sentient body form the world indefinitely.

Spending his final hours listening to joy division listening to the now haunted Elgar cello concerto with his body being ravaged with excruciating pain. Whilst the moving poignant music is reverberating the small humble apartment he is slowly poisoning his frail body with copious deadly volume of sleeping pils and shots of absinthe a poisonous cocktail. As the music and noxious chemicals swirl around his defective body he looks outside at the picturesque Dublin night time panorama. The final time he will view the iridescent luminous city lights. The final occasion he will glimpse this vivacious city filled with gregarious people brimming with a lust for life.

The dangerous concoction of sleeping pills and potent alcohol were taking a pernicious effect on him as he feels himself drifting into unconsciousness. This will be the final time he will be a fully cognisant human being instead of a ghost a fading memory. His is close to being terminated form the earth. Their is sadness their is desolation of the tortured soul lost in the hollows of his mind. Their’s no regret just a strange kind of relief that he will soon be a deceased being a mere statistic.

In this elaborate universe I’ve created in my head my alter ego has the moxie to commit daring acts even if these acts are self destructive such as attempting suicide. He lives on the edge executing these audacious acts that i have always dreamed of having the gumption to execute. Even somethings as nihilistic as suicide I fantasise about perpetually. Fantasising abut carrying out a smorgasbord of methods of suicide. Regarding suicide as a glorious profound act in a otherwise inconsequential vacuous nothing existence.

In my perfect elaborate private fantasy universe i have created a character who executes these bodacious destructive actions i am too timorous to attempt. In his imagined world he successfully consumes a deadly concoction of prescription drugs and powerful intoxicants which he firmly believes will end his short tragic life.

However on this his short serious attempt at a nihilistic suicide attempt he is unsuccessful. His failure at rendering his body devoid of life is a result of a fortuitous set of events. Cillian out of sheer compassion for his best friends delicate mental condition arrives at his home early from a night of convivial social intercourse and exorbitant consumption of alcoholic libations. He rang my alter egos mobile phone on numerous occasions throughout this night. He became increasingly anxious as their was no reply no indication his best friend was still a conscious breathing human being. Cillian was the figure who was caring for him over the previous several months in which he had a nervous breakdown after caras suicide and funeral. He consistently vociferously expressed his disquietude to his clique of student friends. That’s why in a emphatic moment of panic he rushed home to his cosy apartment he was the one person he was fully cognisant of how close my alter ego was to killing himself.

As he entered his apartment suddenly his countenance became ghostly as he was appalled at the horrifying sight of his best friend. He saw him slumped unconscious on the floor with a empty bottle of sleeping pills and a half finished bottle of absinthe. On the coffee table there was a note from my alter ego in which he elucidated his reasons why he would commit such a drastic injurious action. Cillian scanned frantically this eloquent piece of suicidal verse with horror as he became fully aware of the calamitous situation. That his best friend his artistic soul mate had committed suicide. Tears and panic came across his youthful pallid Irish face. His body was frozen with dread with shock not knowing how to handle this potentially nightmarish emergency. He with dread inspected his friends body there was no pulse the body was still warm. His unconscious body maybe would never again reagin consciousness.

Cillian hysterically failed 999 contacted the local emergency service as he explained the dire situation. He described in ample detail that his best friend his flat mate had attempted to kill himself and his body was in a critical life threatening state. Whilst he waited interminably for the arrival of essential emergency support, he performed rudimentary cpr on his comatose body. As the purgatory of waiting for the ambulance to arrive my characters body was in a precarious state hanging on a thin wire between life and oblivion.

In this purgatory when cillian was impatiently waiting for the ambulance to reach it’s destination he felt the initial shock leave his body. His body now was racked with despair with anger with sadness. Streams of emotions flowed profusely down is face he could no longer suppress his emotions. He pleaded to god as he got down on his knees and prayed to a omniscient deity to not let this beautiful soul die in such a tragic untimely manner. He was angry with himself with his best friend with the universe for allowing these tragic confluence of circumstances to take place.

Then finally the winged angels arrived the emergency service came to take my alter ego to the nearest hospital to perform critical medical procedures on his dying body. Cillian came in the ambulance refusing to be separated from his best friends. Explaining to the ambulance staff effusively his desire for this angelic creature to remain alive and a fully functioning unimpaired adult.

The ambulance expeditiously arrived at the hospital the hospital staff frantically rushed his frail body to perform critical life saving treatment on his body. At his juncture cillian was situated in the waiting area of the hospital. In a agitated panic stricken state he informed all of his social circle closest friends the dire series of events that transpired on this potentially fateful night. Firstly though he contacted corrina and calmly succinctly informed her of the disastrous circumstances of the night. He holding back the tears attempting to remain stoic and dignified in the face of the potentially catastrophic suicide of her former lover. Corrina was overcome with despair at the appalling reality that the love of her life had such a dire nihilistic action wanting to end his finite time on earth. She had been in a permanent state of disquietude since her ex lover had in a detrimental self destructive act severed their passionate relationship. Now on this forlorn night she received the traumatising news which was the manifestation of her darkest fears. The horror this eccentric beautiful tortured soul who had transformed her irrevocably for the better wanted to die that the pain of being of alive was too onerous to continue existing.

She in a state of absolute dismay and abject inner turmoil rushed to the hospital. Arriving with a her intimate gang of cohorts informing those who resided in her multi roomed apartment of the devastating news of her estranged lover suicide attempt. They like her were blinded with sorrow and shock over his self destructive selfish decision to attempt suicide. Just like corrina and cillian had witnessed his increasingly introverted antisocial neglectful behaviour and his behaviour was the product of severe psychological problems. In the middle of this gloomy Dublin night corrina gathered a assortment of concerned comrades to wait patiently at the local hospital whilst my characters life hang precariously in the balance.

The scene at the hospital waiting area was a forlorn one with young Irish people hoping desperately that the ordeal would be over. Many tears flowed from many pale checks as the shock faded into a despairing acceptance that this might be another case of a prodigiously talented artist having a tragically abridged life. It was a melancholic atmosphere inside the hospital waiting room in which there was a palatable tension. All the colour all the vitality had evaporated from these young Irish individuals as they were filled with a sense of dread at the nightmarish prospect of witnessing another young soul dying so prematurely. There was sparse conversation with the hospital guests rendered inarticulate by the abysmal catastrophic scene in this dreary hospital. Corrinas eyes were bloodshot from the excessive volume of tears that emanated from her sad haunted eyes. Cillian and the males colleagues were frozen in a canonic paralysed state unable to lucidly articulate their feelings.

Whilst in the hospital room doctors and nurses were endeavouring valiantly to restore him from back from the edge of oblivion. The vast quantity of sleeping pills and strong alcoholic spirits he had consumed meant that he urgently needed his stomach to be pumped. This medical procedure was imperative to ensure he remained alive the deadly quantity of chemicals needed to be extricated from his body. This operation had to happen before the combination of alcohol and sleeping pills permanently damaged his vital organs and nervous system. Fortunately though he was admitted to the hospital and given important life saving medical treatment within a sufficient time period to avert successful suicide attempt. The heroic efforts of the hospital staff enabled him to remain a living breathing human being. The hospital staff thwarted the potent combination of drugs from poisoning his body by inducing him to vomit out the poisonous drugs.

After the ordeal which he miraculously survived he remains in a fragile condition his body was thorough undamaged by his failed suicide attempt. However his mental state was still in a fragile place. As the various people who patiently for some news of his precarious physical condition were informed of the positive news. There was a euphoric jubilant response from his friends at the news was delivered he had a narrow escape from death. Corrina hugged cillian intensely as they shed tears of absolute relief that this beautiful precious soul was alive. There was a ebullient elation from all of the visitors at this magnificent news.

The hospital receptionist informed this assortment of eccentric characters that there friend remained in a stable condition. Informing them to vacate the hospital and return in the morning to visit this mentally vulnerable young man. Corrina pleaded and begged the staff to permit her to spend the night in the hospital. She wanted to embrace her lover to convey her compassion for him to let him be cognisant of how profoundly she loves him. She had to though obey the strict hospital rules and leave the hospital premises until the following morning.

The following morning came and the caravan of eclectic characters arrived to remind this tortured soul of his indispensable intrinsic value to their lives. He felt the ameliorating glow if humanity heal his damaged soul. Mainly though he felt the luminescent feminine glow of corrrina who embraced him hugging him kissing his pallid face. There was no malice no hate in her tender forgiving heart only sadness that her love had contemplated and executed such a masochistic self destructive act. She forgave him for erratically ending their relationship and understood his detrimental actions and that she had to exert greater fortitude in the future when he experienced these protracted bouts of servers suicidal depression.

Then the cavalcade of various bohemian friends came by to bestow him with their kindness and warmth. All of these gifts of friendship he was bequeathed in the aftermath of his unsuccessful attempt to die lifted his spirit from a place of abject desolation to a rejuvenated feeling. The hugs the kisses the excess of such logical beneficial human contact all which i am deprived of in my real life. Hence why I fantasise about being lavished with love from friends in this idealised imagined inner landscape.

After the failed suicide attempt the Dublin hospital requested he remain as a patient whilst they monitored his recovery. It’s standard practise in a Irish hospital to assess a psychologically fragile patient who has committed a unsuccessful suicide attempt to complete a diagnostic analysis from a professional psychiatrist before discharging the patient from the hospital. In this scenario his therapist who he infrequently visited for therapy gave him a comprehensive psychological assessment. The therapist assessed his vulnerable mental condition deciding on whether he was well enough to re-enter mainstream society. His psychologist asked him a rigorous series of questions pertaining to why he attempted to kill himself why he discontinued his therapy’s sessions. Why he ceased taking the vital antidepressant medication which would surely have averted a suicidal episode. It was a highly stressful but necessary experience that aided in his continued rehabilitation from this traumatic scaring experience.

His therapist came to a conclusion on his patients mental state and what was the appropriate action to prevent any future suicide attempts. He ascertained that my alter ego was sufficiently mentally stable to be discharged from the hospital. That he was no longer a danger to himself or anybody else. However there were several stipulations that he had to agree to. Firstly my alter ego had to attend a variety of group therapy sessions on bipolar expression on coping with loss. Also he had to attend regular therapy sessions and be required to consume the critical life saving anti depressant medication. He had to strictly abide to these set of conditions for a couple of months whilst he was still recuperating form a severe emotional scaring mental breakdown.

He reluctantly acquiesced to these onerous provisos if he failed to abide to any of these conditions his therapist had the authority to force him to enter a rehabilitation centre where they treated patients with mental illnesses. My characters mental health improved slightly since the near catastrophic mental breakdown. He still suffered from a acute depressed feeling still was like a frightened boy lost in the black forest. Eventually after weeks and months his condition had recuperated to the point he could safely coexist in society. He was persuaded to move back in with corrina to revitalise this intense love connection that helped to mitigate the defects in his personality. He agreed with unbridled enthusiasm to return into the warm bosom of corrinas love. The loving couple once again collaborated in the glorious union of love sharing each other bodies and souls in the cosmic beauty of love.

The weeks that followed since his discharge from the hospital were extremely arduous. He was still recovering from the traumatic ordeal of a near fatal bout of depression. Despite the enormously beneficially ambience of being surrounded by friends and a luscious Irish redhead he still was burdened with the black cancer of long term pathological depression. The uphill struggle of recovery was a onerous task where there was only incremental improvement in his psychological condition. He was forced to be vulnerable to be emotionally naked in front of equally emotionally brittle strangers. No longer could he hide repress deny his suicidal tendencies. The group therapy classes was a emancipating sensation. In his resumption of his psychologically advantages one on one therapy sessions he felt born again as if he had been gifted a second chance at life by a forgiving benevolent deity. Now he had been handed the enlightening experience of surviving a nightmarish ordeal of a complete mental breakdown and suicide attempt. Slowly as the depression and suicidal inclination subsided he felt invigorated as a human being regaining his voracious appetite for writing poetry and music. His extroverted gregarious personality gradually was restored as the a scar tissue of his experience faded away. This charismatic effervescent young mans personality was fully restored out of the shadows the doldrums of a suicidal episode.

Going to therapy interacting with fellow suffers of manic depression and individuals who had endured a recent loss had enabled him to heal the grief and pain. Now he was immensely determined to become a success to achieve true self actualisation by becoming a eminent musician admired by millions of adoring fans.

Many elements enabled his full recovery from his mental illness. Firstly the support network of friends he bestowed him unconditional love despite his destructive detrimental at time infuriating behaviour. The friends who welcomed him back to the community who greeted him at the hospital lavishing a abundance of kindness reminding him of his enormous value. The most significant element that precipitated his recuperation from depression was corrina the ethereal Irish nymph who transformed his life. It was in this critical period of recovery that his angelic being nurtured him out of the valleys of darkness into the glimmering light of eternal love. He was healed through the transformative power of love of corrinas limitless warmth that she transmitted to her English lover.

There was one glorious enriching evening where the couple reignited their amorous passionate connection for each other. Corrina meticulously planned a night where these 2 souls could rekindle the fires of there romance. They had temporarily postponed the resumption of their sex life saving it for a magical evening of excessive consumption of drugs and libidinous satisfaction. They were going camping overnight in a iconic location in Dublin near a lake. A location where on numerous occasions previously they made passionate love and experienced the ecstasy the sublimity of 2 souls lost in the beauty of love of each other in a picturesque vista. A location that was the source of countless positive memories. On this specific evening the couple brought copious volumes of alcohol they brought music, psychedelic drugs to enhance the heavenly night. Corrina and been preparing for this majestic evening for weeks since her lover resurrection form the hollows of his inner despair. Her body was fervently energised with anticipation at the resumption of their carnal relationship. He reciprocated her feelings of heightened electrified anticipation of resuming their physical intimate bond. It had been many months since they had engaged in the beautiful act of sexual intercourse. His body was screaming out for physical gratification he desperately wanted to demonstrate his deep feelings of infatuation and devotion for this voluptuous Irish nymph. She could have discarded him given up on this tortured broken man. However her kind forgiving heart allowed my alter ego back into the orbit of her incandescent love

They came to a iconic venue situated in the laugh Tay. A place they renamed as the Louth Eden due to the sublime joyous memories they created in this picturesque panorama. Lough Eden a gorgeous vista with its lush scenery it became a place where they could retreat from the tumult of the world to this natural paradise. This divine night started early as the two lovers set up their camp near the Dublin lake. Setting up in a locale marooned from human company where they could be intimate without the prying eyes of strangers. They constructed their solitary campsite near to the lake in the early evening hours. As they played blissful classical music which would be the soundtrack for this sublime night of hedonism. They opened up a bottle of wine which was a splendid bottle of white Chardonnay. A perfect complement to the visually breathtaking psychedelic sunset. They combined the aphrodisiac intoxicating bottle of wine with a smorgasbord of culinary treats. It was a sumptuous banquet where these two lovers supplemented their lustful sexual appetites with rapaciously devouring of exquisite culinary provisions.

Then hours later with they gazed at a majestic awe inspiring sunset. They finished the bottle of sumptuous intoxicating wine that enhanced their camping experience. The two youthful lovers sat down on their rudimentary campsite on a traditional picnic blanket in close proximity to the breathtaking lake and heavenly landscape. As the light slowly dimmed in this tranquil setting the couple started to eat voraciously the psilocybin magic mushrooms which had a hallucinogenic side effect. They wanted to experience each other through a consciousness bending powerful psychedelic drug. The psilocybin mushrooms would also act as a potent aphrodisiac eliciting intense sensations of sexual attraction towards each other. As usual with shrooms they had to wait patiently for approximately an hour before the powerful mind altering hallucinogenic visual effects took hold of their sensory apparatus. Corrina wanted the recommencement of their sexual escapades to be a perfect euphoric night to remember. Consuming a combination of sensuous culinary treats with alcoholic libations served as a stimulating appetiser for his luxurious nights of physical and spiritual intimacy.

Finally the visual effects of the shrooms took full effect on their bodies. The drug initially induced a perfection of being high the same feelings of being stoned where slowly you’re perception of reality of time gets blurred by this intoxicating hallucinogen. Eventually the evocative psychedelic visual feast were felt by the young couple. They drifted into more serene meditative states where they laid horizontal viewed the magnificent nighttime skyline and stunning landscape whilst feeling the powerful enlightening sensation of this consciousness altering narcotic.

They were enchanted by the combination of being surrounded with the beauty of nature and a transcendental enrapturing drag taking trip. The paradisiacal ambience of the night the perfect clear skyline the two lovers filled with amorous desires. As they felt a cosmic connection towards each other they slowly became filled with a lustful insatiable sexual appetite. A appetite that was blossomed by the mixture of intoxicants they digested throughout this splendid night. Gradually after many hours of psychedelic tripping they connected physically in a immaculate union of two stoned souls. They made love for the first time in many months under the watchful gaze of the heavenly stars which is in full illumination in the clear unpolluted night sky. The ecstatic blend of drugs and passionate sex combined to take the lovers into elevated blissed out states of pure being. His transformation was complete he was fully out of the mire of suicidal desolation into a euphoric drug infused utopian plain of existence.

As he made exhilarating erotic sex he closed his eyes and was blinded by the kaleidoscopic images that floated throughout his mind. A endless spectacle of iridescent colour flowed seemingly onto the edges of a infinite universe taking himself and his alluring Irish lover to a dreamlike place of emotional ecstasy. All the while the voracious epic love making continued for hours with the background of meditative classical music and a awe inspiring environment. There was a cessation of the insatiable love making as they sat upright still high still inebriated form the mushrooms and copious alcohol they devoured. Corrina convinced him to eat the remainder of the psilocybin shrooms. In order that they could observe a majestic sunrise which would be amplified by the glaring polychromatic visions if the magic mushrooms. Whilst they waited for a resumption of a hallucinogenic trip to take hold they smoked two joints of cannabis to keep the entranced stoned feeling going. Then gradually the concoction of various illicit substances took hold of their senses. Again like before the psychoactive substances altering their perception of reality intensifying their cosmic connection. They conversed with ease with effusive loquacious streams of consciousness flowing from their tongues. They laughed listened rapturously to every word every syllable that they spoke to each other. With the rich tapestry of highfalutin conversation heightened the heavenly passionate feeling and excessive intake of mind ending drugs facilitated these intimate profound conversations.

Slowly and patiently whilst still high on psychoactive drugs they watched the radiant incandescent sun appear in this vibrant setting. Their minds stoned with the intoxicating brew of love. In the early morning hours still high still deep in a trance like state being affected by the bounty of psychedelic drugs they consumed throughout the night. This night had been a immaculate way of resuming the beauty of their physical union. They reconnected as lovers as soul mates in a night under a the constellations of the cosmos of hedonistic amorous ecstasy.

The time had arrived when they surely had to depart from loch Eden. This Irish loch the luscious blindly beautiful rich landscape in the first hours of daylight beauty was only surpassed by the ethereal beauty of corrina. With her long flowing auburn hair and her voluptuous alluring figure that shimmered in the strange ambience of the early morning loch Eden. They departedposthaste and made this short journey home away from the garden of Eden away from all the wonder they shared on this special night.

Corrina has planned a tiny diversion in their expeditious traversal to their Dublin apartment. She had arranged in her sly little mind without informing her lover to visit the grave of cara. Believing it would be a chance finally for both of them particularly her english lover to mourn for a cara. My alter ego had refrained from visiting the solemn gravesite of cara. He found it too emotional onerous to confront the overwhelming grief of her suicide. By paying a visit to this gloomy gravesite of his beloved platonic soulmate cara it would provoke oceans of suppressed emotions to emanate out of his emaciated body.

Corrina stopped abruptly informing her soulmate that she greatly desired to pay her respects to cara. He was shocked by this seemingly capricious decision to see a gravesite to visit a theatre of sadness. Corrina made her carefully orchestrated plan to end the camping trip by paying her respects seem spontaneous. As he acquiesce to her ardent requests to see her grave he became apprehensive at the grim possibility of confronting his unexpressed grief in a public setting. He became upset even at the entrance of the cemetery, displaying a mixture of nervousness and a sadness that permeated his entire body. Slowly they approached the grave of their deceased friend he was struck with outpourings of emotional despair as they get closer to her bleak gravesite. Finally they arrived to the fresh unspoilt grave of cara who had only been buried for a few months. Suddenly all the colour all the vivaciousness of the night faded away in this forlorn melancholic venue.

The couple sat down next to the pallid gravesite. There was fresh flowers, poetry, photographs and many items of tribute that adorned the grave of a precocious young musician who died so tragically young. Her gravesite had become a shrine for those afflicted with eating disorders or young people encumbered with a debilitating mental illness. My alter ego was sitting adjacent to his compassionate Irish lover. There was a deafening silence in the air then he began to sob, tears cascaded down his face. He then plunged his tear drenched face into corrinas loving arms. Embracing her in a therapeutic redemptive moment where he was finally able to heal the emotional wounds of caras sudden suicide. After he profusely cried corrina then slyly brought out from her handbag the poem which he had so eruditely orated at caras funeral service. By now they were both unrestrained in the grief which was displayed on their respective faces. Corrina began to recite his powerful poem as they held each other’s hands both expressing deep sorrow. This brief visit to caras grave was a pivotal moment in his rehabilitation from depression from the deep wounds of losing a intimate important confidant. All these months of pent up sorrow all these months of suicidal depression where he suffered a mental breakdown all the isolation the alienation he endured was exorcised in a poignant visit to a lost precious angels grave. In this moment the grief was extricated from his tortured mind. The tears felt like ecstasy as he unburdened himself from the acid sorrow of caras death. Corrina then completed this sublime piece of verse which would become a homage to caras tragic heart wrenching end.

The fleeting visit to caras grave was over it would be a consequential memory in his development as a adult. Where he shedded the toxicity of her death of his near fatal suicide attempt. He left the cemetery not feeling depressed or beng overwhelmed with grief but feeling almost euphoric after his demonstrative display of mourning for his treasured adored cara. He left with the resurrection of his romance with corrina a almost indestructible level of intimacy. Now he was resolute in his conviction that this mortal goddess was the person he wanted to spend the truest of his life with. Walking out of this melancholic setting into the lights of Dublin. Strolling hand in hand two young charismatic souls who it seemed were fated to be perennial lovers who’s cosmic bond would last for eternity.

This transformative night the expedition to caras grave had been a salient night in his rehabilitation. He felt truly restored regaining the lustre of his old gregarious extroverted self. In the weeks months that followed his failed suicide attempt and reestablishing his love life he reconnected with his circle of friends. In this virtual universe my fantasy character had a enormously beneficial support network of this large group of benevolent companions. In this world there are people who care for him who shower him with empathetic displays of humanity. In this land he was loved admired. He was a pivotal charismatic figure in their exhilarating bohemian existence.

After he had returned to resume his relationship with a crimson haired Irish nymph and was fully restored to his charismatic extroverted self. Now in his early twenties was fully committed to his chosen vocation of a becoming a idolised musician and venerated poet. No longer was he a precocious adolescent now he had fulfil his colossal artistic ambitions and become a eminent musician. He had spent years living in Dublin living as a outsider living a unconventional lifestyle. In these formative years he was religiously devoted in his duel crafts of poetry and musical performance, which gave him a outlet for his interminable emotional torment. Years spent perfecting his craft incrementally improving as a poet as a songwriter. His laborious bouts of depression his protracted battles with severe mental illness would become in time his muse for works of poetic genius. The bipolar depression was at times a detriment in his artistic progress. Now in the iridescent light of being resurrected from the abyss he was disciplined committed to developing into a successful artist. He was enlightened by the traumatic set of ordeals and his rebirth from these emotionally casting events.

This was a significant juncture in his journey towards musical immortality where he either continued to meander on the outskirts never achieving his stratospheric dreams of stardom. Also in this important period corrina had competed her university education and was ready to embark on her exciting illustrious career in investigative journalism. In my inner fantasy world my dream women isn’t a glamorous photogenic supermodel or a charismatic actress rather shes a dedicated lauded journalist. A journalist who crafts award wining documentaries that uncover abuses of power. She becomes a lionised consequential print journalist and documentary film maker. Mother nature has endowed her with all the alluring physical attributes to be a glorious iconic model. Corrina has the photogenic looks the sexual charisma to be a object of adolescent fantasies however she took her intellectual acuity into a profession that was significantly more intellectually stimulating. A vocation that allowed her to venture into new horizons to experience exotic cultures. To bring light to the western world of the suffering of indigenous cultures around the globe. Her documentary filmmaking and investigative journalist writings will make her a infamous figure in her field. It’s a career that places her in perilous life threatening regions of the world. All with the altruistic pursuit of providing revelatory journalism that sheds light on forgotten underrepresented areas of the world.

Her vocation and her partners artistic odyssey take them to divergent pathways in life. Despite that they sustain the intimate union that was forged in their adolescent formative years. They do though due to their individualistic unique jobs experience sustained periods if separation from each other. Whereas corrina makes her preliminary wages in the medium of investigative journalism by working diligently for a local newspaper. My alter ego with his band is still undiscovered working ardently and laboriously to becoming prominent musical figures. The band he performed with are by now a fully formed formidable outfit.

The band since they formed several years ago had rarely performed preferring to practise without a audience. Over several years of assiduous practise they honed their musical virtuosity. In time my alternative version of me would become renowned for his poetic performances with his sublime stream of consciousness poetic style. The beatniks would convene regularly several times a week to improve as a musical collective.

In their embryonic years when my alter ego was asked to be the bands charismatic frontman and co songwriter they had only 3 members. With cillian the supremely gifted lead guitarist also they had a stereotypical idiosyncratic drummer. The drummer was called Daniel O’Connor who had been a intimate friends of my alter ego since he arrived in Dublin many years previously. Daniel was a scruffy unkempt but a adroit percussionist. He often had a ragged hipsters bearded his appearance may have been bedraggled but he was a proficient artist in a myriad of creative fields. A adept painter of kaleidoscopic abstract art he also harboured acting aspirations, appearing sporadically in plays. His dreams of becoming a famous actor remained a illusion never to be fulfilled. His main area of artistic eminence was in music especially as a effusive drummer. Daniel had a parallel education path as closest confidant cillian. Studying at the identical secondary school enrolling and attending a prestigious art college with cillian. A higher education centre was the ideal setting to nurture fervent artistic talent. A milieu in which they were studying alongside fellow artists, poets,and actors. A rich ecosystem that enabled the fertilisation of precious young wannabe artists. Daniel and cillian cemented their commitment to be professional musicians in this fertile environment. They lured my alter ego requesting him to be the pivotal charismatic figure in the band. They admired his obvious lyrical adeptness his natural onstage charisma and willingness to be vulnerable in the realm of performance and in his poetry.

For years they practised played as a threesome just like our musical idols nirvana. However they began to ascertain there was something missing a final component that they required to turn our band into a exemplary musical outfit. They in unison decided they needed a bassist to complement the 2 guitarist and percussionist. In the period after his recovery from the near calamitous mental breakdown they diligently auditioned a prospective bassist. The auditioned a myriad of young enthusiastic bass players of varying abilities. Then came a individual to our unprofessional audition setting who replied to the online social media advertisement. Strolling in was a young 17 year old women called Isabella who exuded self confidence. She was a diminutive 5 foot 2 inches women who was clad in gothic attire. Isabella wore jet black hair and black gothic makeup she played the requested bass instrument with effortless aplomb. It was obvious to the band mates she was the final piece in the jigsaw puzzle that they desperately needed to transform into the next nirvana. Not only was she a accomplished bassist but she had a magnetic effervescent personality. Isabella confided that she was also a adroit player of several musical instruments. She demonstrated her mastery of the piano which was situated in the student apartment where they held these auditions. With youthful ardency she claimed she was a proficient player of the cello. Vociferously demanding that she demonstrated her mastery of the cello on a future occasion. In her self assured extroverted manner she wanted to incorporate classical instruments into this prototypical rock band music. Wanting to bring the cello and viola into a integral part of the beatniks musical performances. To see what glorious music would be created from this fusion of classical and modern musical instruments.

At this point my alter ego and his fellow band mates were certain this strange women was of requisite musical ability to be in our exciting undiscovered musical collective. They told Isabella that they were unanimous in their conviction she should be our permeant bassist. A week later she arrived at the multi roomed student accommodation this time arriving with her precious cello. My alter ego requested to Isabella would she give a recital of Elgar’s cello concerto in the passionate style of Jacqueline du pre. She agreed to his effusive request and gave a immaculate recital playing with intense fervour for 20 minutes. As she performed this seminal piece of cello music my alter ego become increasingly emotional. The performance elicited evocative haunting memories of caras tragic untimely passing. It invoked in him vivid memories of cara playing the cello with youthful fervency. Isabella in may ways reminded him of cara. She resembled cara in her physical appearance in her slender diminutive body however Isabella wasn’t as emotional fragile as cara. She was a strong confident extroverted musician who wasn’t impaired with any noticeable mental illnesses.

The band was fully formed as a dynamic musical foursome. The beatniks become this intimate mystical collective. The 4 bend members abandoned their education pursuits their miscellaneous artistic endeavours in favour of being entirely devoted towards this exciting musical adventure. The tantalising possibility of becoming a successful iconic rock group permeated their bodies with youthful exhilaration. My alter ego during this formative period before they achieved success in his early twenties was a prolific writer of poetry sporadically performing his poetry in Dublin poetry clubs. Writing regularly producing a abundant quantity of exemplary verse. He still considered himself a struggling poet however he became fully committed to being a singer songwriter in a rock band. Now he wrote lyrical compositions that he hoped would be transformed by the miraculous power of musical alchemy into majestic emotive music. All 4 individuals sacrificed everything in the resolute belief that this particular band they were a part of would achieve monumental success.

The beatniks set forth in the world venturing into dark waters going to become a illustrious adored musicians who would transmit beautiful music into the universe. In my fantasy world I envisage my alter ego creation and his musical cohorts struggling for several years to break out of obscurity. Constantly touring writing prolifically composing a abundance of new material in their years of being a unsigned undiscovered impoverished act. When they set forth in their early twenties the beatniks were still learning to master the craft of creating illuminating enchanting music.

In the pre fame formative years they still enjoyed the liberation of this tough profession. Living the dream travelling across Europe across Britain. Enjoying the battle to be signed to be successful to actualise their lofty dreams envisioning being supported by selling millions of albums having millions of adoring fans. In his chapter the band toiled to earn a substantive living. Finding it immensely physically and emotionally vexing to not yet realise their dreams. Their was a tremendous temptation to give up to accept a compromised existence. Earning a comfortable living in a tedious vocation that allowed them a modicum of financial security. The type of compromise I’ve made in the real world whee I’ve lived a prescriptive predictable boring lifestyle as oppose to taking chances in a more spiritually enriching vocation.

In the inner dreamworld my alter ego never relents in his single minded pursuit of musical eminence. Never yields to the temptation of giving up leaving behind the spiritual emancipation the pure joy of being a performing artist untethered from the rat race. In these several years living without success surviving with far fetched illusionary visions of their musical future was hard for the beatniks. All 4 band members had grandiose dreams of creating seminal music that would be listened to for eternity. Despite the endless moil the lack of a record contract they had numerous instances of great pleasure in performing incessantly Britain and Europe. Rivalling in the joys the emotional catharsis of performing original raw material to a love audience. Songs inspired form the pain of living with a mental illness songs that drew from all his sad memories his losses his setbacks. In these laborious years of fighting desperately to be recognised as a superlative rock band the band mates got immense satisfaction from this unconventional bohemian life they had become immersed in. Living a hedonistic life in which they consumed a abundance of mind expanding drugs. In the pre fame period they would spend a vast proportion of their paltry income on illicit substances. Getting high made them feel truly alive giving them the perception of being wild outsiders existing in a pure ecstatic joyous reality.

The bears years lasted a considerable time in the beatniks illustrious history. In these hard times where they endured poverty due to their lack of genuine success my alter ego and his angelic Irish soulmate decided to get married. By this time corrina had established herself as a distinguished respected investigative journalist. She traversed to dangerous regions of the world in order to provide substantive journalism. Whereas my alter ego floundered as a musician corrina found acclaim as a print journalist and as a writer director of award winning documentaries. In their distinctive professions they spent protracted periods separated from each other due to their atypical occupations. Despite the elongated periods apart from each other they maintained a ebullient relationship. The initial passionate effervescent connection had not diminished in the passing of time.

My alter ego had decided to take a momentous life altering decision to ask corrina to marry him in the scared binding commitment of marriage. He meticulously planned his proposal which would be made in a weekend in the magical city of Paris the city of blinding lights. He perceived this would be a idyllic location to make this profoundly romantic gesture. This weekend was intended to be a reconnection after having months away from each other. A forced separation due to his bands relentless touring across Europe and corrinas journalistic excursions that took her to faraway regions of the globe.

They arrived at the city of light in a serene environment in a clement Parsian July. It was a picturesque romantic city the first time the couple would experience the overwhelming beauty of this iconic city of love. They arrived in a modest hotel which was situated in the heart of this exuberant city. A city which was populated with a multitude of various cultures religions and races which helped foster this buoyant multi cultural melting pot. They entered their energetic romantic locale filled with interesting charismatic Parisians. A city where the seductive aroma of love permeated throughout the entire city landscape.

The two lovers came to Paris cafe in the heart of the afternoon where they immersed their souls with the wondrous awe inspiring beauty of the city of blinding lights. Corrina was radiating beauty looking like a lustrous bouquet if flowers. She had decorated her curvaceous body in a vivacious low cut dress with her sensuous lips painted red. Passes by turned their heads at this ravishing ethereal beautiful women who could have easily become a desired supermodel. He relaxing with his luscious Irish partner he had a moment of pure amazement that this beguiling intelligent women is his lover and maybe future wife. The first day Friday was a day for traditional sightseeing as the couple observed the architectural sublimity and artistic delights of Paris. Visiting the art galleries the museums the idolised tourist attractions. Immersing themselves fully in the breathtaking beauty of Paris. After this epic odyssey of experiencing the aesthetic wonders that the city of lights has to offer the amorous couple retired to their modest Parisian accommodation. They then prepared for a night of excess of hedonistic. A night where they were attempting to appreciate fully the Parisian nightlife in which they would enhance the nocturnal adventure with mind bending consciousness expanding substances.

The young lovers departed from their hotel towards the picturesque Parisian nightlife. My alter ego imbued with nervous energy of his planned marriage proposal. Still he disregarded that momentous proposition for a memorable night of music and carnal pleasures. A night I fantasise about perpetually to have that deep telepathic connection with anther person to be able to socialise in a unfamiliar dangerous city. To be a extrovert who immerses himself in other cultures who feels intricately connected to the human race. They had a ebullient night of excessive consumption of alcohol, dancing effusively to seductive rhythmic music. Two charismatic star crossed lovers passionately enjoying the candescent Parisian night. Meeting conversing with fellow young individuals enjoying the alluring nightlife. Throughout this glorious night they fervently danced to mesmerising dance music. Devouring a cornucopia of alcoholic cocktails spirits in a exuberant life affirming night out. The two lovers had shared a divine evening of alcoholic intoxication and emotional bliss with the transformative power of music and shared human experiences. After a epic night of raucous socialising of excessive drinking they retired from the iridescent luminous city lights to their humble temporary accommodation.

The hedonistic activities of the night hadn’t ended. In the intimacy of their secluded hotel they voraciously inhaled psychoactive drugs. This time instead of alcohol they smoked the potent marijuana out of a pipe. A narcotic which would elicit hallucinogenic effects. This beautiful drug also enhanced the experience of sex acting as a powerful aphrodisiac stimulant. After they rapaciously smoked the cannabis plant and were fully feeling its alluring visual effects, they began to prepare for a night of unrestrained passionate sex. Corrina was siting adjacent to her english lover on the hotel bed she transformed into this stoned Irish goddess. Beams of light were radiating from her immaculate porcelain body. The two young souls were erotically charged with sexual stimulation. They were preparing their bodies for copulation removing items of closing expeditiously as they rapidly became too makes bodies. Becoming 2 beautiful vulnerable young bodies who were about to share the paradisiacal act of sexual congress. Under the blissful influence of psychoactive cannabis they engaged in a marathonic ceremony of love making. The sex lasted until the early hours when the sun was arising for the commencement of another sun soaked Parisian day. The loquacious extroverted lovers lay inside their bed until midday in this idyllic scene.

It was now Saturday the day of destiny when he would eloquently propose to corrina. He envisioned a perfect proposal on the port des arts bridge just as the sun was setting with a psychedelic sunset. The proposal would be made following a sumptuous dinning experience at a eminent Parisian restaurant. He had meticulously prepared a itinerary for this romantic evening.

Corrina and my alter ego waited until midday before they awoke from their tranquil slumber on this pivotal day. They had a relaxing uneventful day after last nights hedonistic exertions. Staying inside the hotel room getting high on cannabis luxuriating in each other’s company. As the hours passed he became increasingly apprehensive with nervous energy pulsating throughout his body. Today they opted for a reduced set of activities. On Friday they had thrown themselves got lost in the infinite beauty of Paris. Visiting an array of iconic Paris tourist attractions. Today despite the proposal planned in the evening was a more serene occasion. The evening would be a shared exemplary culinary adventure followed by hopefully another night of debauchery.

In the evening they vacated their room and commenced the nighttime sensual pleasures. After a day of basking in each other’s company in prolonged states of tranquil sedentariness. They departed towards a exquisite french restaurant where they indulged their decadent desires by devouring high quality french cuisine. Complementing this superlative food with lavish quantities of alcoholic libations. Getting slowly intoxicated with divine french wine was serving as a magnificent introduction to the nights romantic events. Corrinas as usual was a figure of pure feminine beauty. Her voluptuous sensuous body was emanating a vision of fiery red. With her red dress red lips fiery red hair a immaculate visual feast on this potentially significant night. Whilst he was internally suffering from anxiety as the moment of proposal drew ever nearer.

The time had arrived when they concluded their sublime dining experience. It was the ideal time to leave from the restaurant and take a casual romantic stroll towards the port des arts bridge. The sun was setting with the light fading away. The twilight was fast approaching bringing the neon iridescent city lights. My alter ego holding hands with his prospective soulmate the Irish goddess. The pivotal moment had come when we would deliver his proposal to corrina on the port des arts bridge with a stunning psychedelic dreamlike sunset as a perfect backdrop for this moving marriage proposition. He had composed a powerful poem a ode to the love he love of his life. He then resisted this love poem on the infamous Paris bridge. He serenaded corrina with this eloquent romantic poem on this momentous night

Ode to Corrina

Before you there was only darkness I was a lost discarded soul
Wandering aimlessly in the desolate wilderness
Lost in isolation lost in spiritual twilight

One day you appeared into my sad life
like a goddess like a incandescent vision of pure light
This prefect utopian vision of feminine beauty
A fantasy a angel showering with unearned affection

I was mystified why you were attracted to me
An angel a sexually charismatic Irish nymph
You wanted me opened up my soul to the wonders of the universe
Exposing me to the heavenly nirvana of love

In your lustrous presence i could be vulnerable completely free
The depression the suicidal thoughts dissipated through your unconditional love
I became healed from the wounds of my past
No longer lost i was welcomed into the bosom of your love

We fell in love together we made passionate love
We connected with sex with art with shared passions
You corrina became my muse
The illuminating ethereal beauty of my life

When i was close to the edge
Consumed with suicidal thoughts
Falling deeper into states of despair
You this angels saved me from certain death

Time and time again you were my redeemer
Saving me from endless isolation
Saving me with your boundless unconditional love
Without your kindness your humanity I’d be another tragic victim of suicide

Now i gaze at you i feel complete
I’m rendered breathless my your infinite incandescent charms
Your crimson hair that flows down your voluptuous body
Your piercing emerald green eyes that sparkle that render me inarticulate with wonder

Corrina your a idealised fantastical vision of physical exquisiteness
You’re my soul mate my cosmic mistress
I’m requesting with all my love my adoration for you
Are you willing to make a sacred commitment by accepting my honourable proposal and take my hand in the hallowed bond of marriage

As he recited this homage to his enchantress he held her hand whilst simultaneously bending his knee in traditional marriage proposal protocol. Throughout his impassioned reading of this poem corrina became increasingly emotional. Tears of joy of elation cascaded down her porcelain face. As he concluded his eloquent poetic monologue corrina with her waterfall eyes embraced him in a passionate kiss. She then responded to his sincere emotional vulnerable marriage proposal with a vehement yes. She was overwhelmed seduced by his heartfelt passionate ode to his Irish Venus. She from the genesis of their amorous relationship was convinced this beguiling young man was her soulmate.

This night in Paris was the perfect occasion the idyllic locale to consent to the sacred union of marriage. After his verbose poetic marriage request and corrinas affirmative consent to become his wife. The two lovers were in a state of rapture they danced they celebrated as prospective life partners do in the city of blinding lights. My alter ego had meticulously secretly planned this romantic night he envisioned the post proposal night if corrina had concurred to his proposal. He had visualised in his mind a night of unconstrained fornication with the aid of drugs with hallucinogenic properties.

He had carried with him to Paris in the event corrina said yes a couple tabs of lsd. Enough acid to give 2 young adults a powerful psychedelic trip. Acid was the ideal drug to celebrate their engagement. Hence they celebrated their engagement by having a consciousness distorting night on the streets of Paris. Surrounded by all the beauty the shimmering lights and alluring romantic sights of Paris they took a transcendental drug induced trip. They subverted their perception of reality whilst traversing across the Parisian nightlife in states of hallucinating rapture. With the exhilarating realised reality of marriage they subjected their bodies and minds to a wondrous heavenly night of youthful hedonism. The colours the visions the sight the beauty the blinding lights the intimacy the sex the ecstasy of being in love. All this was experienced in one celestial night of elation. A paradisiacal combination of sex and the mind blowing side effects of lsd.

In my inner universe many months pass by with the detailed fastidious planning of their wedding. The planning of the wedding completely consumes their lives until the exact wedding day. Corrinas family according with traditional comply to pay the bill for this modest Irish Catholic wedding. Her family were a upper male class family who were employed within academia. Corrina the daughter of university professors. Despite their academic prestigious status they were radical free spirit ex hippies. Who had a liberated enlightened attitude towards sex and displaying your emotions. In contrast to my alter egos family they could never be characterised as being repressed.

In the wedding ceremony and party my alter egos family weren’t invited. In this virtual realm he remains estranged from his family who he ran away from many years previously. He has no desire no yearning to be reunited with his odious family. A family he has utter antipathy and disdain for, not so much a family more like a selection of strangers who are genetically bonded to each other. In this utopian world his immediate family are indefinitely extracted from his life. From the pivotal moment he leaves home at the tender age of 16 he never again has a singular point of contact with his dreadful family.

This paradisiacal wedding is populated with corrinas populous eccentric family and their assortment of colourful vivacious friends. The multitude of relationships my alter ego forged with his extroverted gregarious personality over the years in Dublin attended the heavenly ceremony. This celebration of the eternal bond of love.

The wedding day arrived after almost a year of rigorous planning. A detailed relatively humble vision of a idyllic wedding with a perfect setting perfect music perfectly composed wedding vows in this immaculate sacred ceremony. The wedding began on a radiantly sunny June Dublin day. No clouds in the sky not a chance of a rain to blight this magnificent day. All the women were adorned in vibrant wedding attire. The men attending this glorious wedding were exhibiting traditional wedding garb. Wearing sharp suits that complement perfectly the setting and special occasion. The groom my alter ego looked resplendent in his navy blue 3 piece suit. The polarity of the wedding guests were sweating under the sweltering heat. Slowly the guest gathered inside a stunning catholic church. A architectural masterpiece a symbol of the majesty of god of the teachings of Jesus Christ. They excitingly congregated inside the awe inspiring venue a ornately decorated church with elaborate depictions of Catholic art. It was the ideal place to hold a ceremony of eternal love with 2 young souls making a sacred sincere commitment in the house of god. Despite the grooms aversions to organised religion despite his rejection of the dogma of Catholicism. His atheism didn’t preclude him from appreciating the aesthetic beauty of this centuries old Catholic Church. He compromised to his future wife’s desires to celebrate their unbridled love in this picturesque setting.

The momentous scene was set the guest sat patiently for the arrival of the luscious bride adorned in her heavenly wedding costume. The groom and his assortment of his closest friends had arrived. The groom waited nervously for the bride to arrive. He looked immaculate in his bespoke tailored 3 pice suit looking like the charismatic future musical icon. Then suddenly the ravishing bride appeared with her eccentric professorial father. The groom once again was overcome with her otherworldly enchanting appearance. Corrina walked down the aisle at a leisurely pace locked arm in arm with her idiosyncratic father. With every incremental footstep my alter ego anxiety heightened. The level of nervous anticipation was palpable within the interior of the church.

Finally the bride reached her destination at the altar where the start of this traditionally religious ceremony would commence. Corrina looked intensely into the eyes of the groom with desire with rapturous infatuation. The groom reciprocated her passionate non verbal lustful glances. He gazed deeply at this sublime vision this Venus in a wedding dress. He was unable to avert his lascivious gaze from his enchantress. The bride was standing there with flaming locks of auburn hair that cascaded down her luminous wedding dress. The groom grew ecstatic whilst staring intently at her piercing green eyes at her perfect ebullient smile. Whilst corrina was sauntering down the aisle the musics of u2 was being transmitted in this vast Irish church. The star crossed lovers had chosen the song all I want is you to be the soundtrack of the commencement of heir wedding. It was a song which evoked strong memories of falling in love of connecting physically and emotionally as young adults. The soaring music reverberated inside the walls of the church before the priest initiated the start of the ceremony.

Then a electrified silence fell in the church before the priest started the service. The majority of the service was a traditional marriage service until the 2 loves had requested for a reading of their self composed wedding vows. The groom gave a impassioned recital of his marriage proposal poetic ode to corrina with a few alterations to fit this occasion. Whilst his bewitching lover had a a composed a passionate succinct poem. She eloquently expressed her deep intimate bond her love for the groom. She articulated in this short poem the indestructible eternal bond they shared and had cultivated in the years they were together. After these 2 fiery displays of lyrical oratory the priest moved onwards to the final chapter of the ceremony. The final act of the service when the priest instructed the best man to give the ring to the groom. The final vows were recited these solemn sincere promises to the presets to the witnesses to each other and god. With the modest but exquisite rings were placed tenderly on both lovers and the vows were completed the preset made the glorious proclamation, declaring the young couple as husband and wife. My alter ego and corrina were enshrined under law as everlasting soulmates. The now married couple embraced in a elongated kiss the witnesses responded with joyous applause at this moments life changing event. The grooms nerves that preceded the wedding ceremony had transformed into feelings of pure exaltation of being in love. To make a sacred commitment before a collection of friends family members was a profoundly moving moment.

After the dreamlike wedding of my deepest fantasies a utopian imagination of love. The wedding celebrations continued with alcoholic excess the traditional post wedding itinerary. The post wedding banquet where the guests congregated to eat exemplary food and drink alcohol voraciously as important guests made speeches in reverence at the newly married couples love. Cillian had the honour to deliver a witty but heartfelt best man speech. He reminisced about the good times and the grooms travails his battles with a pathological mental illness. His speech was interspersed with moments of levity with emotional pathos. Telling anecdotes of the grooms destructive journey when he almost died. He articulated with unrestrained emotional fervour how thankful he was that the groom was unsuccessful in his desperate endeavour to cease to be alive. Concluding his impassioned speech by telling the multitude that he always believed these crazy people belonged together. That they had a intense connection even in the embryonic stages of their relationship.

The post wedding activities of eloquent sermonising and irreverent speeches concluded. Then came the epic Irish wedding party which was held in the local Irish pub. A large enough establishment to accommodate the majority of the wedding attendees. It was a party that lasted until the early hours of the following morning with drinking and consuming illicit drugs until the sun arose to illuminate the Dublin streets. The party was a marathon of music dancing drinking getting high on illegal substances and indulging in carnal desires. A wondrous event that venerated the mystical beauty of 2 souls finding love in a cold indifferent universe. The rich community of artists, painters, musicians all coming together in a celebration of humanity. This night this wedding day was a seminal juncture in his life where he and his guests were imbued with the radiant ecstasy of love. The night in this Irish pub with effervescent young people revelled in the music the intoxicating drug of human company. The night starts with a impulsive abundant consumption of alcohol after the already lavish intake of alcohol that was drunk at the wedding banquet.

Later as the party progressed when it became a more raucous atmosphere the drugs choices alternated. Now the bohemian wedding attendees started to partake in stronger psychoactive drugs. Edible cannabis was devoured with insatiable fervour. Some of his stoner friends had procured edible marijuana and brought it to the wedding as a present for this boisterous wedding party. They were precluded from smoking it in a public house as in this virtual world like reality cannabis was a illegal controlled narcotic. Hence they eat the highly potent edible which complemented perfectly the profuse intake of alcoholic cocktails. The married couple got drunk got stoned they sweated as they cavorted to the musical beat they laughed becoming intoxicated in the nirvana of their cosmic union. Corrina the alluring bride was their greeting stoned immaculate with the groom in her angelic glowing white wedding dress with her luminous porcelain visage. She danced kissed her besotted lover who felt so blessed to be legally bonded with a goddess. He envisioned a lifetime of exhilarating excursions with this women.

Unfortunately like all good time this boisterous epic party ended in the wee hours of the following morning. It was a enduring memory day that passed without a single instance of violence. A peaceful occasion with beautiful people coming together to venerate the perennial intangible power of love. When this wedding concluded the now married couple departed for a exotic honeymoon destination. With the generous present they were bestowed from corrinas financially prosperous family who gifted them a luxurious honeymoon in Jamaica.

This was a 2 week odyssey in a idyllic part of the world. They stayed in accommodation that was proximate to a luxurious Jamaican beach. It was the summer of their lives a heavenly honeymoon. Two weeks of lounging on picturesque beaches surrounded by gorgeous scenery. The honeymoon in Jamaica was a endless festival of sex and getting high getting inebriated night after night. The two newly married lovers immersed themselves with the Jamaican nightlife with the with the bustling nightclubs and bars drinking like 2 stereotypical Dubliners to intoxicated excess. Enjoying the utopia of this love, taking enormous pleasure in the cornucopia of Jamaican cocktails and strong alcoholic spirits which heightened the elation of being in love in a glamorous destination. It wasn’t only copious eclectic alcoholic cocktails they devoured with exuberance but also a variety of hallucinogenic and illicit stimulants were indigestion in this brief holiday of pure sensual pleasure. Potent cannabis was liberally smoked manly when they were inside their modest beachside accommodation. It was usually smoked after a night of excessive alcoholic fuelled partying. The cannabis served as a perfect anecdote to a mild hangover. It was inhaled throughout the day hence the amorous newly weds were in a perpetual state of drug induced bliss on this fleeting honeymoon. Other powerful mind bending enticing substances were also devoured in this memorable vacation. The couple would snort cocaine as a ideal aphrodisiac to enhance the pleasure of these endless sexual intercourse sessions. The newlyweds in this paradise of a honeymoon destination engaged in unconventional bohemian behaviour. The behaviour the lifestyle of hedonistic and narcotic excess that would be a foreshadow of the destructive unhealthy behaviour he indulges in when he a charismatic famous musician. Unfortunately this paradisiacal holiday in Jamaica had to end. The endless partying the festival of sex and getting high and waking up in a sublime part of the world had to end.

Returning home to reality in Dublin leaving behind the serenity the nirvana of the honeymoon. Corrina returned to her illustrious dangerous career as a distinguished journalist. Whilst my alter ego carried on his arduous journey towards achieving a modicum of success. My now he was in his mid to late twenties still persisting stubbornly with his fantastical dreams of artistic success. He just like the rest of his band would never relent in their pursuit of being a lionised artist. They watched as fellow artists, painters, poets and actors rose to prominence in their respective caregivers professions whilst the beatniks floundered in obscurity. They toured pertinaciously and were writing new songs at a prolific rate in the desperate unlikely hope their lofty ambitions would one day be realised. Still despite their obvious prodigious creative talents remained unsigned undiscovered.

Then one fortuitous night in Dublin when the band were playing to a devoted adoring audience in a intimate music venue. When a record scout was in the audience observing this dynamic life performance. A person who was eagerly looking for new exciting musical talent to sign to his record label. He saw this accomplished rock band of twenty somethings playing exhilarating music to a bewitched enthralled audience. He observed this charismatic frontman who would eventually become a iconic musician in the near future. This A&R scout after listening attentively to the beatniks play their standard set was certain in his mind this musical act was destined for musical immortality. After seeing this obscure undiscovered band in a small Dublin rock club he felt in his gut this musical collective could develop into something truly exceptional.

This ambitious charming A&R scout approached the band mates with a enticing offer of auditioning for a prospective record contract. This was the beginning of the beatniks ascension towards stratospheric levels of adulation and success. The A&R scout recommended the beatniks to a prestigious record company based upon witnessing this virtuoso musical outfit perform on several occasions. On his vociferous adamant recommendation the record company auditioned the band for a potential record deal. They auditioned providing a recorded cd of the majority of their finest material. The record executives were overwhelmingly impressed with the exemplary collection of self composed songs on this bootleg cd. They made a momentous bold decision to sign this promising band. From that day forwards my alter ego and his musical comrades go on a illustrious journey achieving fame riches and musical immortality.

In my elaborate fantasy land I imagine a 10 year period of continuous success from being signed. After years of struggle of toiling in obscurity the beatniks are transformed into being a group idolised by millions of entranced fans. Their first foray as a signed musical band was a towering commercial and critical success. Selling millions of albums a rapid ascension into the top echelons of music universe. The dizzying level of success is the realisation of his artistic aspirations giving him everything he coveted as a struggling undiscovered starving artist. With the instantaneous success comes the trappings of fame and financial prosperity. No longer living a onerous lifestyle of constant financial hardship with being initiated into another stratosphere of existence with the fulfilment of his dreams. He and the band were introduced and welcomed into the world of the entertainment glitterati with living in luxurious opulent mansions. With the towering success of their first album financial security was guaranteed. My alter ego and his cohorts were inducted into a seductive world of luxury of pure unabated unrestrained hedonism being able to procure whatever drugs he liked because of his fame his newly acquired wealth. He also took his circle of long suffering eccentric bohemian friends along with him on this exhilarating ride of financial riches and hedonism.

Throughout this sustained chapter of the beatniks ascension to the top echelons of the musical success corrina retained her eminent position as a investigative journalist. Using the newly procured financial security and celebrity of being a wife of a illustrious rock star to produce a prolific output of important documentaries. Using her soul mates wealth and fame to create even more explosive provocative journalism. Corrina wins acclaim and recognition for her substantive documentaries and long form print journalism which expose abuses of power around the globe.

Meanwhile there relationship continues to flourish despite some of the pernicious consequences of fame and wealth. Their bond is unbreakable strong enough to withstand the strains of being famous. A bond strong enough to combat the loss of privacy, the relentless intrusion from the media. They use their stupendous fortune to traverse the globe visiting exotic locations expanding their horizons to experience illuminating awe inspiring vistas. Using their obscene level of wealth to enjoy fully the beauty of nature exploring these untapped visually breathtaking landscapes. The limitless wealth from selling millions of albums and playing tours to millions of adoring fans afforded them a lifestyle of private planes vacationing in luxury with lavish accommodation. They lived a libertine lifestyle with a voracious sex life and profuse amounts of dangerous drugs that satisfied their insatiable appetites.

Being a prominent musician lead to many emotionally beneficial upshots. The emptiness the depression was temporarily abated with constant validation from besotted fans. The frequent requests for autographs for selfies from devoted fans was a positive byproduct of being mega famous. Enthusiastic supporters of the beatniks music expressed constantly their appreciation for the transformative effect their music had on their lives. Fans would confide that the beatniks exemplary music has provided them with comfort in times when they felt alone when they contemplated suicide. The music gave them a emotional catharsis that briefly assuaged the pain of being alive.

The greatest aspect of being a idolised talismanic frontman in a successful rock is the live performance of their creative material to tens of thousands of entranced supporters. Creating this sublime music from the depths of their imaginations into transcendent music is a magical experience but performing live music is pure ecstasy. Being on stage playing these confessional emotional naked musical creations having night after night the catharsis of performing the powerful music was a intense experience. Having the freedom the courage to be vulnerable to thousands of fans who reciprocate their feelings in a sea of love. This beautiful experience allowed my alter ego to reveal his suicidal predilections his tortured soul in the realm of a live concert event which was a substitute group therapy session.

Throughout his sustained career of critical and commercial acclaim my alter ego suffered from sporadic bouts of critical depression. He found that fame that artistic self actualisation didn’t cure him of his debilitating bipolar disorder. The periods when he was afflicted with suicidal black dog depression served as a muse for seminal music. Before he realised his ambitions he suffered infrequent protracted bouts of mental illness. When he was a poor struggling musician he treated his mental illness by going to inexpensive depression centres that enabled his rehabilitation from severe depression. He took a assortment of antidepressant pharmaceutical medications to combat to mitigate the negative behavioural traits of being a manic depressive.

When he became a artistic luminary of the music world this mental illness didn’t vanish from his consciousness. The same detrimental symptoms and traits remained ingrained in his extroverted personality. Now he had the financial resources to adequately treat a crippling mental illness. Having this wealth this eminence as a celebrated singer song writer didn’t prevent the prevalence of suicidal thoughts or reduce the likelihood of a suicide attempt. When he metamorphosed into a lionised ultra famous rock star he and his fellow band mates indulged in a debauched hedonistic lifestyle. Using the money the power of celebrity to consume a cornucopia of dangerous illicit narcotics. A smorgasbord of drugs were voraciously taken from amphetamine stimulants to cocaine to the family of hallucinogens that they consumed to instinct the elation of being alive. A endless cycle of partaking in mind altering substances was the normalised pattern of being a high flying rock star surrounded by beautiful people existing in a realm of drug induced bliss. Occasionally in this fantasy envision of being a illustrious rock star my alter ego used and abused these consciousness expanding chemicals to escape reality. He would self medicate with substances such as cocaine that worked perfectly in numbing in mitigating his protracted states of mental desolation he fell into. Trips to rehab getting addicted to cocaine to opioid painkillers having failed suicide attempts were negative part of his life as a tortured artist. He had infrequent stays in drug rehabilitation clinics to treat his multitude of drug addictions and cognitive psychoses. He found that achieving previously unimaginable levels of success didn’t inoculate him from his long standing psychological defects.

Over a 10 years period of continuous musical excellence the beatniks created album after album of sublime innovative music. Every new album was a reinvention of their musical style. They never became staid or derivative in their musical material it was original groundbreaking. The later work was more experimental and was political in its lyrical subject matter. Despite constantly altering their artistic sound the beatniks remained a perennial millions selling chart topping stadium filling phenomenon. Playing emotionally impactful songs that thousands of fans connected with. Every tour that followed after another critically lauded album was a dynamic visually mesmerising immersive entertainment experience. The band brought blood sweat and tears into these emotional raw life shows connecting deeply with millions of devoted fans. Just like the album the live gigs were provocative political charged events. The beatniks were fearless in their adamant determination to critique injustices around the western world. Like true renegade artists they challenged the status quo sung about dark subject matter and dark places humanity was heading towards. Throughout the beatniks history as celebrated musicians they became the most significant musical acts of their generation. My alter ego was christened as the spokesman for his generation. A venerated iconic figure comparable to kurt cobain or bob dylan who’s music deveined an entire generation who’s songs encapsulated the tumultuous time they were living in.

In this time there was innumerable triumphs many moments of elation and times when he endured personal setbacks. With his terminal battle with mental illness failed suicide attempts and his fortuitous in escaping from life threatening drug overdoses. However the decade of success of fame was predominantly permeated with happy memories. One day though all that joy all that light vanished from his life. Corrina had been filming another crucial documentary. This time in Gaza where she was documenting the plight of the Palestinian people. Chronicling the egregious human rights abuses committed by the Israeli forces on the occupied Palestinian people. This was another documentary film in a series films accurately critiquing the horrors of being Palestinian living in permanent occupation in a 21st century apartheid state. Whilst corrina was doing dangerous vital work interviewing oppressed downtrodden individuals living in Gaza a Israeli drone fired upon a suspected terrorist hotspot in Gaza. She had been situated filming interviewing Palestinians when her body was critically struck by a weapon of death. She was gravely wounded dying minutes later from the profusion of blood that emanated from her ravaged body.

The news of her death spread throughout the world. A prominent Irish journalist and wife of a iconic rockstar killed by another flagrant war crime committed by Israeli forces. The news of her untimely tragic death was broadcasted on all the 24 hour news stations it became the top news story of the day and week. Her death became a global scandal how a supposed democracy had accidentally killed a esteemed documentarian journalist. My alter ego was quickly alerted to this tragic news. He was informed by a grief stricken documentary cameraman who miraculously survived the drone attack. He was shell shocked by the harrowing news of the love of his life death. Then as the shock evaporated from his mind he felt a enormous wave of greed and sorrow hits his fragile mind. The horrifying unfathomable reality of corrinas tragic demise became in his head a tsunami of despair. The nightmare had become a reality of losing his angelic Irish beauty. To never speak to her again to never embrace her in a passionate kiss never again to be hugged to be healed from the hollows of despair by her limitless unconditional love and kindness. The initial shock of the news was replaced with despair and anger at Israel and the universe for taken away this ethereal beauty form his life.

As this tragedy became a international news story my alter ego and his army of closest companions comforted each other in his lavish Dublin mansion. A assortment of characters ravaged with grief consoled each other with a effusive demonstration of bereavement over this nightmarish tragedy. These weren’t stereotypical stoic Irish people rather these were emotional extroverts who were unrestrained unafraid to emote to express their sorrow in public.

The closest friends of corrina who gathered in my alter egos opulent mansion had decided to travel to Israel and Palestine to visit the exact location of corrinas tragic end. To traverse to Israel in the hope of returning her remains to her homeland of Dublin. This would be a horrific journey to visit the ghastly where corrina and many innocent Palestinians had been murdered by another abhorrent war crime perpetrated by Israel. The travelling crew had prognosticated that there was a distinct possibility Israel security forces would refuse them from entering Gaza. They hypothesised this because of my alter egos and the beatniks had been vehement critics of the Israel government with its inhumane treatment of the Palestinian people and African refugees. Still they persisted with the necessary ordeal of bringing home corrinas ravaged corpse. They departed from Dublin airport and shortly afterwards arrived at tele aviv airport for the short journey towards the subhuman dystopia that is Gaza. Throughout this perilous route my alter ego grew increasingly anxious increasingly despondent over the horrifying reality of visiting and identifying his lovers barely recognisable corpse. Traversing with a selection of motor vehicles containing the grieving intimate friends of corrina. They arrived promptly at the heavy militarised entrance to Gaza. It was a long laborious process being granted access to Gaza where the Israeli border officials were uncooperative in allowing the group from entering Palestine. After a long process the border officials reluctantly relented and allowed the eccentric crew of Irish people into Palestine into the occupied territory.

Then the true horror started as they were confronted with the aftermath of the devastating results of another round of Israeli bombing. As they meandered through the streets of Palestine they came across the poverty the dilapidated building all suffering rom the ruinous effects of endless occupation and war. Travelling further greeting ever closer towards the grisly scene where corrinas body would be found with numerous other innocent Palestinians. Now sitting in the backseat of the car tears streamed down my alter egos pallid face as the cavalcade of vehicles were close to the location of corrinas death. The rest of the travelling crew were a mixture of shell shocked and extroverted demonstrative displays of abject despair.

Finally the dreadful moment occurs when they reached the site of carnage of corrinas death. The gang arrived observed the ghastly scene of devastation caused by the savage Israeli attack on Palestine. They pulled up to within close proximity to the desecrated buildings that were bombed they got out of their various vehicles. My alter ego then fervently embraced the cameraman and the documentary crew who miraculously survived the savage attack despite being in the vicinity of the bombing. This was a poignant emotionally charged moment where there was a profusion of cascading tears from everyone the documentary crew and the travelling Irish friends of corrina. The area was filled with families of the murdered victims there was identified bodies hidden in body bags waiting to be identified and transported to the local mortuary. Eventually he time had come for corrinas mutilated body to be identified as definitely her.

My alter ego and corrinas closet friends volunteered to undertake this mortifying ordeal. He was shacking was overwhelmed distressed at identifying that this ravaged body was the love of his life. The body bag was opened up to reveal a grisly heart wrenching sight of a barely recognisable mangled corpse. This particular body was clearly corrina despite how badly her beautiful body had been damaged by this deplorable drone attacked. He was rendered inconsolable by this harrowing sight the grief flowed out of him he hugged tightly one of corrinas closest crimes who was with him to identify her corpse. Desperately he needed the love the warmth of his lifelong community of acquaintances to comfort him to prevent him from drowning in this maelstrom of desolation.

The ravaged body was correctly identified as corrinas so it could be sent to the mortuary to be preserved to prevent any further decomposition. The crew spent the night in this desolate landscape in Palestine with the beautiful oppressed people who welcomed the morning Irish people with open arms. The Palestinians we’re there also grieving another needless all too frequent loss of life.

The next day he became more seriously depressed almost suicidal as the desolating reality of corrinas death hit his fragile heart. He wandered alone in the streets on the beaches of Gaza in states of despair. He cast a solemn forlorn figure as he walked alone. Looking up to the heavens weeping uncontrollably for corrina weeping incessantly for the loss of her love the loss of future memories. The beauty the loss the sacred human connection with a perfect angelic human being shattered in a instance with a inhumane egregious act of war from a despotic regime. He cried a profusion of tears until he could cry no more. Wanting to feel every ounce of pain wanting the nightmare to end wanting to awake from the private perdition he had descended into. In the morning he mourned with friends with his Palestine comrades who had also suffered the traumatic loss of life of a intimate family member. There was consoling outward displays of emotional release in the streets if Palestine.

My alter ego and his array of grief stricken Irish friends were invited to attend a Palestinian funeral. A memorial to commemorate the innocents who were so cruelly murdered in another savage bombing of Palestinian territory. This funeral would be a cathartic venting of grief in a public venue where the mourners would find a modicum of solace in a visceral outward expression of grief. A public event in which those blighted with a tragic loss of life could pay homage to the newly deceased loved ones in a sacred religious ceremony. A ceremony with traditional music being played and mourners carrying the funeral caskets of the deceased. In Muslim cultures funerals take place within 24 hours of a persons death. After they reached the gravesite there would be a reading of a prayer with eventually the burying of the dead in hallowed burial sites.

This mass funeral was a glorious celebration of life a enlightening experience which showed the Irish people how other cultures commemorate the death of family or friends. My alter ego felt a intense bond with the Palestinians who had show brutally lost family members. They shared a horrifying connection through their grief their heart wrenching suffering of losing a cherished beloved figure in their lives. After this funeral the Palestinians and the Irish hugged bending deeply with a shared ordeal they were enduring.

After this cathartic indelible experience of the Palestinian funeral ceremony the travelling crew departed out this haunted land filled with beautiful people. Leaving the holy land to bring home corrinas slowly decaying corpse home to the motherland of Dublin. Bringing with them the footage from this important documentary which would be released posthumously. Getting this documentary corrinas swan song across the border was a onerous ordeal. The Israeli government were keen to seize this material which depicted the inhumanity of the permanent Israeli occupation of the Palestinian people. It was a arduous undertaking smuggling the vital footage across the occupied territory into Israel land. They managed to get the film footage into Israel and preserve it for posterity as a historical social document that portraying the abhorrent treatment of Palestinians by a savage authoritarian occupying force. The entire few days of this nightmarish ordeal left my alter ego with a deep hatred at the deplorable actions of Israel. For killing his beloved soulmate for robbing him of heavenly future memories. All the joy all the hope all the lust for life had vanished in a singular devastating tragic moment.

Now the despondent friends of corrina could return home to bury this celestial beauty in her hometown. Finally they absconded from Jerusalem to return home to the warm bosom of Ireland. My alter ego was relived and glad it be extricated from the precarious situation in Gaza. The constant danger of staying in a war zone with the threat of being bombed or shot at by Israeli forces. He left behind a ocean of tears left in Palestine he was left with a transformative memory of the wonderful warm compassionate Palestinian populous. The beauty of the people the tragedy of their plight haunted him it angered him of the egregious flagrant human right abuses being conducted by Israel on the indigenous people of Gaza.

Returning home on this onerous flight eventually landing after several hours in Dublin airport. Due to the fact of my alter egos mega stardom as a iconic rockstar this story became a momentous international news story. As a consequence the airport was overwhelmed with a cavalcade of journalists reporting for every conceivable prominent media outlet. There was also at the airport a sea of fans of the beatniks who were there to console to convey their compassionate super for the unimaginable pain of the loss of his soulmate. As the returning Irish gang left the plane they had to be escorted by security. The airport descended into pandemonium and deep sadness from the fans who congregated at the airport at seeing their idol stricken with grief. Through the maze of journalists, paparazzi and zealous compassionate fans they made it through the bedlam of Dublin airport towards their respective vehicles. Travelling frantically to the sanctuary of my alter egos mansion. A place where they’d be liberated from the circus of mass media intrusion. Inside the enclave of this opulent Dublin home they were free to grief in private with this intimate circle if bereaved friends.

The following days there was the agony or meticulously planning a funeral. The horror of burying a radiant beauty who now only existed in haunted evocative memories from photos of video recordings. Never again would my alter ego gaze upon the angelic beauties iridescent beaming presence never again would he be elevated by her kindness. Never again would he be kissed hugged touched sensually by a majestic beguiling Irish nymph. He in this long arduous journey to mourning her loss would have to accept the brutal reality of losing corrina forever. He felt utterly terrified at being completely alone with his grim realisation of losing his emotional buttress his shelter from the storms of suicidal depression. The premature death of corrina who healed who saved him on innumerable occasions from suicide. A person who had opened him introduced to the wonders of love. She assertively pushed him to treat his bipolar disorder with the beneficial combination of antidepressant medication and psychotherapy.

All that light had been extinguished forever now he felt his brittle soul being subsumed by fatalistic suicidal predilections. He had to prepare organise a funeral in the midst of the inner turmoil of his grief. The funeral was held approximately a week since corrinas harrowing demise. My alter ego and long standing acquaintances who were still encumbered with emotional wounds of losing a exceptional person. They were locked in paralysed shock unable to process the grief on the day of corrinas funeral. The funeral was held on a gloomy forlorn autumn Dublin day. There was no sunlight no beaming blue skyline just clouds shadows weather so fitting with the bleak occasion. Many esteemed journalists from across the world attended to pay homage to a revered investigative journalist. The funeral service was mainly populated by lifelong enduring friends of corrina who had known her from formative years at school of university. People who had numerous vivid memories of corrina throughout the course of her richly lived ebullient adult life. Fellow musicians celebrities who had been indelibly touched with corrinas charismatic presence attend to pay their respects to her effervescent spirit. She affected many people through who she directly came into contact with and through her seminal documentaries. This extroverted vivacious women transformed many lives with her exuberant life affirming spirit.

A cavalcade of individuals from all work of life from Dublin from the milieu of journalism to venerated musicians besieged the cavernous Dublin church to pay their final respects. Vast numbers paid tribute in this traditional catholic funeral with the ceremony conducted by a priest. There were speeches, anecdotes, poems and tear drenched songs and finally the burial of her casket into the earth which finalised her passing from life onto death.

The funeral attendees were adorned in somber austere attire. No vibrant vivacious clothes only the traditional monochrome colour scheme for this sacred religious ceremony. My alter ego was decked out in black garb from head to toe with nails painted black. He looked like a goth adopting the gloomy colour palette of a catholic funeral. Before the service commenced he smoked a cannabis joint to assuage to alleviate the emotional torment that was swirling round his damaged consciousness.on this melancholic day. He required the effects of powerful psychoactive narcotics to numb his senses to mitigate the pain of saying goodbye to corrina.

The funeral was inaugurated in the early hours of the gloomy afternoon. The vast church was overflowing with mourners as the austerely dressed priest initiated the ceremony. Already many of the attendees were excluding a profusion of tears even before any speeches any music was played. He kept his emotions in check realising he had to perform a final poetic ode to corrina. He ascertained had to hold back the day of emotion before he performed a powerful piece of carefully written verse. Before the he preformed his poem there was pieces of searing oratorical majesty from the priest. He eloquently lionised the beauty of corrina the way the light of her personality transformed lives by her coruscating inner beauty. It was a moving piece of oratory in which the priest waxed lyrical on the positive effect corrina had on whoever she came into contact with. The priest reminded the funeral attendees to not let yourselves become vitriolic angry or despair in the wake of her death in matter how tempting it is to let your be subsumed by these dark bitter thoughts. He told the attendees to reflect on the incalculable warm memories corrina gave us.

The long service continued with various speakers making moving anecdotes in which they paid homage to corrinas fertile legacy of distinguished award winning journalism. Emotional charged speeches indignant speeches which excoriated the way in which was killed injustice of her tragic a death how they missed corrina deeply. These intensely passionate monologues were interspersed with heavenly musical pieces. There was music from Chopin from Elgar and at the vehement request from her widower that they play all I want is you by u2. A sublime love ballad which was a recreation of the wedding day music a hauntingly sad song that evoked vivid memories of the ecstasy of being in love. The entire congregation where moved to tears by the poignant music being reverberated inside the ancient walls of this vast Catholic Church. The sadness of the occasion grew too much for many of the attendees. Who were rendered inconsolable with lacerations of despair that their were being emitted from their glum tear drenched faces.

It was close to the end of this beautiful but torturous service as my alter ego got up to articulate his thoughts on corrina. He presented a hauntingly powerful 20 minute piece of eloquent verse. Throughout this moving emotive epic poem he worked diligently to control his emotions. As he read aloud these sad words and scanned the faces of friends family members eminent journalists he found it immensely difficult to not break down and let out a tsunami of sadness. This beautiful poem was a potent piece of lyrical pathos in which he paid homage to a women who saved his life on numerous occasions. He reminisced on falling in love on being saved from the depths of a untreated pernicious mental illness and suicide. He read lines of poetry which described how this angelic creature shone a iridescent light on his tortured soul with her humanity her inner beauty. The poem he delivered on the altar was a superlative piece of literary verse a consummate laudation of the finite life of corrina. He delivered the poem in his characteristic verbose effusive style with a voice projecting unrestrained passion. He transmitted a extroverted engaging presence delivering this poem in a uninhabited style, eulogising on love on the infinite beauty of corrinas spirit. Towards the climax of this effusively delivered ode to corrina the emotions became to cascade down his pallid visage. His lips quivered tears flowed freely like a waterfall down his tortured ashen face. He pronounced the final line of sublime poetry as the audience responded with thunderous applause. There was profuse crying as a fitting response to a exemplary poetic tribute to corrinas life. As he concluded his poem he ran down the altar to the front aisle with tears cascading down his haunted face. He then embraced cillian in the aisle in a warm poignant display of mutually shared grief. The intense and long service ended with the mourners leaving for the final act of closure the burial. The distinguished collection of attendees lethargically left to walk towards the gothic burial site.

It was a large gathering who attended this forlorn scene, the closings act of the sacred funeral service. The austere priest again recited prayers as the funeral casket was slowly lowered into the grave. The witnesses were all inconsolable at the horrifying reality of burying a cherished beloved friend. As the casket was gradually lowered my alter ego in a improvised act of uncontrollable despair got down on his knees placed both his arms on the casket. He bleed tears he bleed for the death of his soulmate his wounds his scars were exposed to the rest of the mourners. He was laying almost prostrate completely emotionally naked and vulnerable in this expressive eccentric display of grief.

Finally after what seemed like a eternity the casket was buried the last lump of dirt covered the casket. Corrinas casket and body was completely submerged by the earth as her decomposing body would remain inside this gravesite for eternity. The cathartic funeral service had ended many tears were shred many wonderful elucidating words were conveyed inside the church. Now the gathering mourners relocated to my alter egos mansion to celebrate to commemorate her life to console each other. This post funeral party was a typical raucous party where rather than the guest acting all despondent they rejoiced they venerated corrinas effervescent indomitable spirit.

A post funeral party a strange notion to celebrate with alcohol and music a death of a newly deceased loved one. It’s a surreal sensation to have concurrent emotions of sadness and joy this was the odd mood of this strangely lively jubilant party. This epic party lasted for days lifelong friends reminisced over enduring memories of corrina. Excessive quantities of alcohol was devoured, cannabis was also smoked with reckless abandon it was a quintessential raucous Irish post funeral party. This wasn’t a stereotypical austere post funeral gathering this was a bohemian party where consciousness altering drugs where consumed to compliment the intimate warm conversation. In my alter egos spacious mansion poignant sentimental music was played at a thunderous volume as the music sound waves echoed through the walls. The party was populated with long term deep rooted friends of corrina who had know her since her university education.

This celebration of corrinas illustrious life was attended with a assortment of eminent journalists. Who had cultivated friendships working closely with corrina in their shared professions. The prestigious journalists who stayed in this mansion had a deep admiration for corrinas important documentary films. Beyond their reverence for her critical journalistic work they felt a deep affection for her as a wonderful colourful warm human being. There was dancing playing of music tears and laughter was shared as nostalgic music was played at a boisterous volume. Attendees of thus jubilant gathering got high got drunk for this marathon of a party for days. There was hugging empathetic moments of emotional poignant in this epic post funeral commemoration of a richly lived life.

The party after several days of excessive hedonistic frivolities eventually ended. It was a joyous surreal occasion of a communal veneration of the boundless beauty the unparalleled humanity of corrina the luscious Irish goddess now gone into the vast nothingness. After the festivity had concluded my alter ego was left isolated in a cavernous mansion. He felt deeply the hollow if despair felt the acid in his soul of the loss of corrina. This once vibrant atmosphere of this house had degenerated into a haunted gothic mansion. With memories in every room with photographs and sentimental artefacts of their romance saved to preserve the nirvana of her love. For months he stayed ensconced in his walled off mansion living like a hermit crab in a protracted state of suicidal depression. Habitually waking up in mid afternoon after another lonesome night of heavy powerful drug use. Waking in a state of malaise struggling to adjust to the emptiness of being without corrina. He spends all day drinking shots of whisky at a gluttonous pace and concurrently snorting cocaine to numb the pain that was slowly killing him. Whilst he was intoxicated with a cornucopia of chemicals swirling round his body he would consume old video documentaries and he’d emotionally fixate on old photographs of them together. He tried to preserve the fading remnants of a 20 year relationship by obsessively gazing at images and videos that documentation corrinas illustrious life and career. This prolonged state of depression that followed the torturous funeral lasted for months. As he dissociated from the world whilst he locked himself in solitary confinement feeling a modicum of safety in his sequestered remote Irish mansion.

He wrote poetry at a prodigious pace to purge himself of the acid pain of this unbearable loss. After many months of existing in a melancholic drug induced hazy languid state where he lived as a hermit never venturing outside he just confined his frail self the sanctuary of his mansion. To break out of his protracted funk he relocated to Jamaica where he hoped to write poetry and lyrics for a new album in this luxurious sanguine locale of his opulent beachside mansion. He would be further exiled from the prying eyes of journalists. Deciding in the serene ambience of his Jamaican property to write a epic poem that chronologically chronicled his 20 year magnificent love affair with his Irish Venus. The poetry book would be a literary tribute to this Irish goddess who he shared many sublime and tragic experiences. He also planned to write material for a double concept album this creation would proceed him writing the epic poetic ode to corrina. This album he envisioned in his mind would be a artistic document to their illustrious love story. The first act of the album would depict through the medium of music their turbulent but wondrous 20 year romance. Elucidating all the peeks and troughs of a 20 year infatuation. The second act of the concept album would delineate the horrendous ordeal of having his amour die in a act of savagery. He hoped to describe hearing the news visiting the horrifying scene of her death in Gaza, the trauma of her funeral. The terminal inner torture he has endured in the proceeding months after the torturous funeral of his charismatic Irish nymph.

In the secluded exotic local he created these 2 artistic projects writing at a voracious expeditious pace. He was determined to use the premature death of corrina as a muse for creating superlative art. With the trauma of the preceding months he was imbued with a rekindled inspirational sensation to create. The outstanding verse flowed liberally from his inspired consciousness as he rapidly constructed a fully realised magnum opus.

After nearly a year of sequestration from the living world, a year in which he immersed himself in these dual artistic ventures. He finally completed his poetic homage to corrina and a multitude of embryonic songs for his new audacious concept album. Through the tears through the daily dirge of depression though pervasive suicidal thoughts his ambitions projects were completed. During his time in exile writing prodigiously he spoke to nobody apart from strangers who delivered his necessary food items for survival and couriers who delivered the cornucopia of narcotics he was consuming in his year in isolation. When he finished these lyrical masterpieces he returned home to Dublin to reunite with his band. He reactivated his neglected relationships with his bevy of friends who lived in Dublin after a year locked away in hermitage. Living away from the rattle and hum of the bustling modern world he was able to introspect to recover from the trauma of losing his luscious Irish lover. In isolation in deep meditative introspection he overcome the perpetual thought of killing himself to generate exalted music and poetry.

The collection of poems that documented his erotic odyssey of being love was published. It was a verbosely written book of poetry that chronologically depicted through lyrical sublimity the beauty the transcendental power of falling in love. The poetic ode which illustrated his romance was the apotheosis of his supreme lyrical acuity it would be viewed as his poetic magnum opus. This was another published poetry collection in a career where he produced a multitude of published poetry books in a highly prolific literary career. In the medium of verse he was revered for his verbal dexterity as he created elaborate inner landscapes that enflamed the readers imagination.

After the exultant empathically glowing reviews for his latest book of poetry that portrayed his tumultuous love odyssey with the women of his dreams he worked assiduously on s next artistic masterpiece. This time in the musical field where the beatniks would attempt to convey in a ambitious double album the 20 year love affair and the harrowing tragic death of his ethereal goddess. The songs had already been conceived in Jamaica where he was writing fervidly inspired by the soul crushing death of his muse.

The concept album was crafted and completed after many long months of arduous effort in their state of the art Dublin recording studio. The songs flowed into each other seamlessly articulating perfectly through music the beauty of her life her legacy of seminal documentaries her turbulent but poignant relationship with her English lover. This was a perfectly written concept album that felt like a epic novel retelling a momentous love and death story via the venue of music. The first act of the album had adroitly written lyrical tributes to corrina, with haunting reflections on falling in love with a ethereal vision descended from the heavens. It depicted with the marriage of music and poetic verse the various significant stages the tragedies the setbacks the triumphant moments in their abiding romance.

The second act took a drastic darker musical vision. Retelling the devastating day when corrina was killed in a heinous attack from Israel. The second side of the album delineated ever horrifying detail of that fateful day. The majority of the gloomy second album concentrated on the days after the tragic death of the heroine the inspiration for this epic tragic love story. There were songs of vitriolic anger in which my alter ego vented his fury at the egregious actions of Israel in committing countless war crimes. In the second act he aims he expresses with unrestrained righteous indignation at Israel for taking away his angelic beauty from him. The main theme of the second act was anger, sadness and suicidal depression following a devastating death of a loved one. The final songs of the album focused on the months after corrinas funeral where he lived in self imposed isolation suffering from depression and seriously contemplated killing himself. The second act of this momentous album illustrates how a single act of violence can adversely effect a one persons life. The epic album concludes with a determined stubborn act of deviance of overcoming the grief and remembering the boundless humanity of his luscious Irish goddess.

This ambitious audacious attempt to celebrate a love affair to articulate through music the detrimental effects of a single violent act was met with resounding critical acclaim. It was regarded by critics and fans as the beatniks masterpiece. A album where this musical collective produced a collection of songs that adeptly weaved a linear storytelling narrative of a love tragedy. The double sided concept album sold in the million helping the band to ascend to the apex of the music world. The tour which followed the release of the album was a rollercoaster emotional expedition for the charismatic but emotional tortured lead singer. Night after night he bared his wounded vulnerable soul to tens of thousands of adoring besotted fans. It was gratifying it was emotionally cathartic to perform to audience that was receptive to his emotional pain.

The tour was incredible a laudation of the life of corrina the beneficial effects she had on him. This was a stripped down tour with 4 exemplary musicians playing emotionally impactful songs. It was a radical contrast to previous tours which had a highly produced colourful onstage set which projected a kaleidoscopic of imagery to the fans. Previous world tours had been these expensive concert experiences whilst the latest tour had a modest onstage set aesthetic. No neon lights no pyrotechnics just 4 musicians playing powerful songs with a slideshow of corrina photographs being projected throughout the performance. Over the course of this tour my alter ego abstained from taking powerful narcotics. Preferring to get high on cannabis and consume lavish quantities of alcohol. Like the rest of the band he wanted to enjoy the experience of playing life without the tranquillising numbing effect of potent addictive opiates.

As the momentous tour progressed he reasoned this would be his last tour his swan song as a iconic rockstar. Never again would he compose music for a album with the band or as a solo singer songwriter. The pernicious effects of losing corrina still tortured him that loss weighed on his fragile soul everyday. He had committed privately to retire indefinitely from the pubic world to write poetry as a virtual recluse. Wanting to no longer perform live to write any music to participate with the world. Deciding within himself the severe depression was too onerous, so he planned to commit himself to a noxious diet of excessive consumption of opiates. Wanting to take heroin intravenously to numb the pain of being a mentally ill bipolar musician all alone in his private darkness. He had purchased a luxury remote mansion in the south of France where he intended to exist in self imposed hermitage. He would either kill himself by suicide or the ruinous effects of being heroin addict. The pain the depression had metastasised like a cancer proliferating throughout his psyche affecting his list for life his will to be alive.

He kept these dark envisions of his grim future private. Up on till the final performance of the seminal tour where he finally divulged his plans for the future. The last performance would be at the majestic mystical Glastonbury festival. Where the beatniks would headline this prestigious musical festival. A few night prior to performing the final musical performance he made a dramatic announcement to his fellow band mates. He detailed his plan to retire forthwith from music after the tour had concluded. Declaring vehemently that he could no longer perform these physically and emotionally exhausting songs. The psychological scars of corrinas death had left him too ravaged and wounded for him to be a functioning performer or human being.

The band members reacted with disbelief and were apoplectic at his seemingly capricious decision to abscond from the musical industry. They argued incandescently for hours whilst my alter ego remained intransigent in his plan to never play write or perform again after the Glastonbury show. The exacerbation continued into the last performance of their touring odyssey. Cillian was the most accepting of his declarative decision to retire. Cillian though internally believed his best friend would reverse his retirement plans after months had passed of being away from the allure of the live performance. Cillian believed fervently that my alter ego would miss the high the adulation the gratification live and creating transformative music with his best friends. The rest of the and and the bands entourage remained indignant at his selfish erratic decision to leave music indefinitely.

The furious band members were able to discard temporarily their anger for one final performance. Isabella was the most incandescent with rage venting her vexation at the lead singer. She realised that this would be the last ever time they would play as a foursome. She ascertained that my alter egos pronouncement of not being able to perform the material of being unable to be that emotionally vulnerable night after night was a painfully earnest statement.

The actual gig at Glastonbury was a consummate live show. The virtuoso musicians connected with the effervescent Glastonbury crowd. The lead singer withheld from making his devastating announcement to the audience until the final few songs. When he eventually proclaimed his intentions that he would never again play live or create music ever again it was met with apoplectic howl from the stunned crowd. He delivered a passionate succinct speech detailing his reasons why he chose to abandon his illustrious career as a eminent rockstar. The speech was followed by a exultant and intense final performance. There was a profusion of tears from the beguiled but heartbroken audience as the beatniks ardently played their last few songs from their set. The lead singer weeper freely throughout every song that followed his announcement. This live performance would be seen as their swan song their final act. The 4 iconic skinny weary ban members left the stage for the final time. With their exhausted bodies drenched in sweat and faces soaked in emotion.

The tour official ended the last tour from their last album. As the various band mates went on a year long sabbatical from the arduousness of being rockstars. They went on luxurious holidays to replenish their exhausted bodies. Hoping praying that my alter ego would reverse his drastic plans to live in exile away from the pubic. To sequester himself in a cavernous gothic mansion to plunge himself into deeper states of spiritual twilight. He made these plans despite the vociferous protestations from his lifelong friends. Relocating from his Dublin mansion to the south of France in the winter months of his finite life. He meticulously prepared his inevitable suicide or drug overdose by carefully crafting his will. In the midst of severe depression he rigorously detailed every inch of his financial empire with his lawyers and solicitors.

After he diligently finalised his will for his planned death he emigrated to the south of France. To live as a hermit living completely secluded from the outside world in his private enclave. Occasional visitors would arrive for a day or two. Other than that it was a lonely sad lifestyle he had fallen into. Taking with him to his vast residence a cornucopia of powerful narcotics. He would spend his isolated last few months weeks days getting obliterated on a variety of opiates on cocaine and a potent cocktail of string liquors. All the while writing a prolific output of prose and verse as his mental acuity slowly deteriorated.

At times he missed being on stage missing the acclaim the adulation of his fans. He could no longer function in that stressful environment he was too tortured too emotionally scarred to be on stage to allow himself to be emotional naked. He reminisced of better times when he didn’t have this crushing iron weight of unbearable despair bearing down on him. A relentless pain that only was ameliorated by numbing his body by injecting a syringe full of liquified heroin several times a day. He evoked with his daydreaming vivid memories of corrina of falling on love having sex experiencing pure ecstatic heavenly bliss with another person. These memories haunted him as he looked upon photographs at videos where corrinas radiant beauty illuminated his tortured self for a fleeting moment in time.

When he wasn’t writing verses with his insatiable desire to express his damage inner reality he would expend his time in painful nostalgic reflection. Being transfixed with the strong aroma of poignant memories that were evoked by gazing at images of his past. Looking at the love of his life corrina who was the a vision of female perfection almost flawless. This voluptuous Irish women with a porcelain unblemished complexion and piercing green eyes that beamed into the windows of his soul without evasion or artifice. She was a artistic masterpiece brought to life and seeing her voice her soul through those images and videos in the carrousel of his past was a haunting experience.

Since her untimely harrowing death my alter ego had refrained from engaging in sexual congress with another soul. No other women or men would experience physical intimacy with this enigmatic artist he lived a chaste sexually pure live. He had a multitude of lustful admirers such as famous pop stars, supermodels who desired this charismatic elusive genius. The idea of a sexual relationship with anybody other than the Irish siren who transformed his life was antithetical to his nature.

He spent months living in complete seclusion in a ivory tower like complex. Continuing to indulge in a smorgasbord of dangerous illicit narcotics despite the ruinous effects on his long term physical and mental health. Becoming slowly addicted to both heroin and cocaine drugs that anaesthetised his body to the pain of being him. As the months dragged on his dependency intensified he needed the bump of coke the injection of heroin or a line of snorted prescription opiates to function. Still he persevered with writing a abundant output of new material despite being severely depressed and addicted to heroin.

One day though he awoke and was fully cognisant that he couldn’t go on being alive. He started to plan meticulously for his manner of suicide. Now was the time he was fully prepared to face death wanting to be vanquished forever from the world of humans. He had to decide the method of suicide the deadly concoction of chemicals he would ingest to render his body lifeless. There was a multitude of choices that he needed to decide upon to execute a perfect suicide. He planned to pen a lengthy suicide note that delineated lucidly his reasons why he ended his life. The suicide note would his final creative act in a lauded career of literary and musical brilliance. After ruminating for several days had decided to kill himself by hanging whilst high on heroin. Wanting that slow painful death wanting expire from life as he slowly leaves his gnarled emaciated body. The heroin would elicit one last sublime drug induced high before he disappeared into oblivion.

Ethereal classical music would be the perfect compliment to his last hours on planet earth. He intended to play a playlist of Jacqueline du pre’s cello concertos, music which elicited poignant nostalgic memories for him reminding him of cara and especially corrina. Minutes before he initiated his nihilistic act of self destruction he would notify the emergency services of his injurious intentions to end his life. Informing them in a attempt to prevent his corpse from rotting for weeks or perhaps months without being discovered by a rare visitor. However the route towards the opulent gothic mansion was too arduous for the emergency services to reach his mansion in time to thwart his suicide attempt. His gothic mansion was in a remote secluded locale it was situated hours from the nearest town or emergency services. The ambulance staff would eventually see his emaciated body far too late to foil a suicide attempt. All they could do is inform the local mortician to prepare his slowly decomposing corpse to be preserved and embalmed so it can be prepared for a funeral burial.

The end was nigh we woke up resolute that today was the day when he would commit this brutal act of self immolation. All the planes and considerations had been decided upon, he palnned to kill his scrawny drug ravaged body in the early hours of the evening. He starred in the bathroom mirror at this gaunt haunted ghost like visage who wanted nothing more than to cease to be. The excruciating pain of life of the loneliness had driven him to this desolate place. He assiduously prepared the deadly cocktail of narcotics that he would consume. Preparing the heroin and the other chemicals that be added to the heroin laced syringe. He fastidiously prepared the cocaine by chopping up the coke into neatly arranged lines on his glass table. The bottle of finest aged American whisky would be his last alcoholic drink before he shuffled of his mortal coil. Then he arranged his perfectly organised musical playlist for his last few hours on planet earth. Finally the time had arrived this ritualistic suicide would commence.

The hauntingly sad classical music reverberated across the walls of this cavernous mansion. Chopin was initially being played as his pallid faced human was voraciously downing shots of the finest whisky. The whisky served as a delicious appetiser for this nihilistic feast of excess. Lines of cocaine were intermittently snorted as a perfect complimentary stimulant to the plentiful consumption of whisky. This pattern of whisky being drunk which was interspersed with lines of the finest cocaine lasted for hours. Then the final hit of intravenous heroin laced and cut with a cornucopia of chemicals including amphetamines and a sprinkling of cocaine was delicately prepared. The opiate drug concoction was prepared in the convention manner he had habitually taken injections of heroin. With the heating up the narcotic cocktail on a spoon then transporting the liquified opiate to a needle before the final glorious act of finding a vein to inject the liquified chemicals directly into his inebriated bloodstream. The heroin would flow into his body for one last hit one last ride of pure drug induced nirvana.

Next in his suicide itinerary was the calm fully planned phone call to the french emergency services. Where he would succinctly inform them of his grievous intension to end his life. Following the phone call he expeditiously prepared the noose to hand himself before the ambulance staff arrived at his secluded gothic mansion. Making sure that Elgar’s cello concerto played ebulliently by the virtuoso cellist Jacqueline du pre was playing on repeat. Wanting this haunting beautiful piece to be the final music his fragile ears would hear. Before he actualised his suicide he examined himself in the mirror for one last time. He saw this gnarled emaciated image of a man who barely looked human. He appeared like a dead person with sunken cheeks and hollow sad haunted bloodshot eyes which were once imbued with a exuberance for life.

After he fixed his neck inside the noose there was the beautiful cello music was loudly echoing throughout his empty mansion. Soon it would be over no more torturous protracted depression no more emptiness soon he would become a mere memory a ghost. Minutes had passed the heroin numbed dulled the brutal pain of hanging himself. He felt his body slowly pass out of light into permanent darkness into the black hole of oblivion. He could perceive that the cold hands of death was approaching sensing the essence of life vanish out of his languid body. He took the last few breaths of a rich but tragic life. He reflected with his last breath what a forlorn end to a fruitful impactful existence.

Then my alter ego ceased breathing ceased to be a living sentient being now he was a phantom a sad memory. Hours after he stopped breathing when his body was cold the emergency services appeared in his remote residence. They entered his premises by forcing their way inside to when they discovered a hanging corpse with no signs of life no pulse no breathe. They ascertained this was no desperate cry for help rather it was a genuine valid suicide attempt from a severely mentally ill prominent but fading musician.

Hours after his heroin ravaged body was found his untimely suicide became a momentous international news story. For a iconic artist to die alone in his opulent but empty mansion was a heart wrenching tragedy for his millions of fans. His death became the most covered news item for weeks. Fans laid flowers outside of his neglected Dublin mansion and his french mansion the scene of his harrowing death. There was a shrine that was laid outside the gates of his Dublin home. With handwritten condolences, poems, a vast collage of flowers, photographs that were carefully placed in remembrance of their idol. Fans weeped at losing a indelible figure who articulated their inner emotional struggles of being young and suffering from depression.

The depth of emotional outpouring was overwhelming. The gates of his empty neglected mansion became a permanent shrine to their fallible fragile but charismatic musical hero. The hysterical level of grief from millions of his anguished remained unabated until the day of his funeral. Ten of thousands of mourning distraught supporters turned out to pay their respects on the streets of Dublin where the grandiose funeral was held. The funeral was more akin to a state funeral with the ritualistic burying of a revered cultural icon.

The funeral procession was a slow one as the streets were overflowing with a abundance of mourners who traveled far and wide to grief for their fallen idol. The hearse languidly travelling towards the Dublin cathedral which was festooned with flowers placed by zealous mourners. Eventually after a arduous scenic journey for the procession of vehicles which had to contend with swaths of heart broken supporters the funeral cavalcade reached their destination.

It was a majestic funeral befitting for a individual who’s illustrious life was being mourned. The funeral attendees were lifelong friends who had been acquainted with him since he was a precocious teenager. Other attendees were eminent musicians members of the Dublin artistic community who came to pay homage to a genius poet and rockstar. Prominent celebrities attended to grief in this enchanting capacious Irish cathedral.

The service in the cathedral lasted for hours. There was eloquent speeches poems recited from my alter egos vaunted literary career. Cillian made a impassioned monologue filled with laughter with lament with a profusion of tears. He opined over the tragedy of his suicide of losing his creative soulmate at such a relatively young age. Various lifelong friends delivered similar moving speeches where they eulogised on the beauty of this tortured tender soul. In between passionate orations music from the beatniks back catalogue was played. Songs from their seminal last album blared and reverberated inside the walls of this spacious cathedral as emotions flowed from the funeral audience. The beatniks most exalted songs were played as well as the haunting classical piano of Chopin and my alter egos favourite musical piece Elgar’s cello concerto. The haunting poignant classical piano music and tear jerking sounds of the cello was in congruence with the melancholic ambience of the funeral.

The service concluded with the priest reading from my alter egos love poems from his final epic poetic work. He read from his poetry anthology which exquisitely documented a 20 year romantic relationship. The priest spoke with fervour with deep mournful sadness as he battled and struggle to mandating his stoic countenance in the face of the waterfall of emotion which was evoked from thus sublime love poem. The ceremony ended with thunderous applause at the pathos and catharsis that the collective mourners had experienced.

His body was buried according to his wishes detailed in his will adjacent to corrinas grave. The burial was a private event with a intimate selection of longstanding friends attending this final act of this sacred religious service. Again emotions ran high with the mainly Irish mourners displaying a unstereotypical extroverted demonstrative display of their grief. No dry eyed Irish funeral austerity but a profuse outpouring of lament from the mourners. The mood grew increasingly hysterical with tears cascading down their ashen faces as the casket was lowered into his grave. Then was another reading from his verbosely written poem which the priest once again orated ardently. After the eloquent poem was completed the service had official ended with the passing of a meaningful full but tragic life.

Friends, admirers, celebrities congregated at cillians plush mansion to commemorate the passing of a beautiful fragile soul. The post funeral part goers exchanged anecdotes played the entirety of the beatniks discography throughout the night. He was mourned around the globe where he was eulogised as the spokesmen for his generation. In death he was venerated for his preeminence in the field of music and poetry. Fans continued to flock to the scene of his suicide in his french mansion and his Dublin home. These 2 sites in time became shrines to his enduring legacy as a rockstar. In death he was exalted into the pantheon of musical immortality. His legacy was the creation of powerful transformative emotional music and compelling political charged messages articulated though the medium of music.

This is how the story ends with this elaborate fantasy world and a character I’ve created in my atypical consciousness. A alternative perfect version of me who lead a extraordinary life of success and adventure. A fantasy alter ego that has all the positive attributes i lack in my abnormal introverted personality. He is a charismatic gregarious attractive successful admired person who realises his lofty dreams unlike myself. As my disorder has intensified in the severity of the antisocial symptoms of being schizoid throughout my adult life this predilection to fantasise to live vicariously via a illusionary world has exacerbated. As i have become increasingly antisocial neglected friendships this virtual world become more seductive more alluring. The intricate inner world a kind of immersive virtual reality video game that exists in the depths of my boundless imagination. The dream world helps me inoculate myself from the torment of being schizoid. The loneliness the depression of being me were anaesthetised by this pathological propensity to fantasise. In this perfect human nirvana that has proliferated in my dysfunctional brain every essential human experience i am deprived of in reality is actualised in this vast universe. In my utopian inner world i have sex i have friends I experience love there is success I have fame i have genuine profound human connection I have boundless riches i am hugged i get depressed. I am truly alive existing in unbridled inhibition living striving for dreams that i attain. In the big blue dream world I am loved get to experience the paradise of being in love having a sexual partner that loves me that cherishes me.

Outside of the sanctuary of my capacious inner universe is reality which is brutal icy place. A plane of existence where human connection remains so allusive . A world of broken dreams a hollow nothing life. This private fantasy world enables me to function to pacify the depression to numb the pain. My private utopia is a place a person a life that i will never be or get to tangibly experience.

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