Chapter 6 I Have No Friends

All of my adult life maintaining long term meaningful friendships was immensely difficult. When my personality disorder emerged in my late teens the negative anti social traits made friendships increasingly arduous to develop or preserve. Even as a child friendships were elusive special gifts i had to treasure. My circle of friends were long standing acquaintances from primary school. My shy introverted personality prevented me from having a abundance of close companions. This small tribe of comrades i had a connection with who I actually enjoyed their company. However as my condition escalated as it began to adversely affect the quality of my social life. These beautiful friendships that cultivated throughout my childhood were affected by my dysfunctional antisocial behaviour.

From the ages of 18 till 21 i still resided at my parents home. In this strange transitional period before I achieve complete autonomy of my personal space. The friendships of James, Steve and Jonathan my closest dearest confidents were sustained in spite of my asocial symptoms and the physical difference between us. With me commencing my tenure at TWC and my friends persisting with the dream of higher education hoping to better themselves in economically prosperous professions. In this phase of my life we socialised infrequently usually once a month. Mainly going out consuming excessive quantities of alcohol having this ebullient night of socialising like any typical young adult would. These sporadic social gatherings was the only time that i felt like a human being that for a monetary time on a Saturday night of consciousness altering inebriation i felt normal. Around my friends I appeared normal i exhibited a ordinary range of emotions i could engage in extensive conversations without appearing peculiar. Unlike when i was surrounded by a sea of strangers when i would sink into my shell behaving like a robot a mute alien being dissociated from the world of humans. That self conscious anxiety dissipated when i was enclosed in the warmth of my clique of friends. This cycle of having infrequent nights out rarely seeing my friends for weeks at a time continued until I moved out. When i emancipated myself from the manacles of family our relationships began to deteriorate.

In the early adult years I crafted a collection of glorious superlative memories with my school day chums. We had holiday abroad in temperate tourist destinations we would frequently go on camping excursions in picturesque regions of Britain. The warmth the joy of these memories these would soon become fading vivid memories of friendships lost, broken friendships that haunts like a ghost torturing my damaged soul.

Even before i relocated out of the drudgery the boredom of my parents residence my longstanding acquaintances had become strained. Strained due to my neglectful uncaring nature. Meeting increasingly intermittently whereas before at secondary school we would socialise outside of the school environment almost everyday. Now i was detached isolated from this once intimate group of friends. Never taking the bold initiative to arrange a meeting to fraternise and reaffirm our bond. Around the time i resided in my solitary flat i had become disinclined to adhere to my friends requests to participate in effervescent nights out. My disorder had exacerbated the already acute social anxiety i had been plagued since i was a precocious teenager. I would acquiesce to vociferous requests to leave the security of my cell of isolation and go out once a month when my body could tolerate the anxiety that flowed throughout my body on these social gatherings. Our friendships had devolved into hedonistic nights in bars and night clubs nothing else no meeting during the week. The once poignant intimacy we had as idealistic adolescents had faded away. I realised we had less and less in common as i increasingly saw myself as a stranger as a peripheral figure within the clique of companions.

The isolation the alienation exacerbated when I moved out living in my sequestered ivory tower. The move gave me the opportunity to remove myself away from the small pockets of human contact. Before i migrated to my current residence I felt myself within my minuscule social circle drifting into states of malaise feeling disconnected dissociated from these individuals i had known my entire life. Not having anything substantial in common with these charismatic extroverts becoming passive inarticulate in conversations having nothing interesting to say. I perceived myself in proximity with close acquaintances blanking out feeling numb wanting desperately to be alone. Not being able to connect or exhibit a normal range of emotions. Displaying this aberrant behaviour with a increasingly emotional flat emotional cold external identity. I had a intense carving to be alone to separate myself from people. The desire the proclivity for platonic connections for any form of human interaction to be touched to be loved to be physically or emotionally intimate had drastically diminished in my early twenties. Indeed i fantasied a life where i could cut the cord of friendship to exist in perennial isolation. Having friends no longer give me any pleasure it had become a source of anxiety of internal emotional torment being forced to fraternise with people. I desired to severe the bonds of friendship to liberate myself completely from the claustrophobic oppression of human attachment. I envisioned a perfect utopian existence where i lived as a hermit.

As I grew into being a adult my emotions became increasingly suppressed. Instead of seeking qualified help by confining with a therapist or divulging my deepest darkest internal struggles to a confidant i retreated from the world. I had a illusionary idea that by secluding myself from society by regressing away from a gregarious life into a solitary hermit life this would alleviate my melancholic disposition.

Moving to a top floor flat was a perfect opportunity to enact my dream of disassociation from all of humanity. Being alone gave me the freedom i yearned for allowing to have longer periods without any human contact. It also enabled me to neglect the old acquaintances from school which i had no desire no aptitude to preserve. From now on in my icy cold flat of insulation i would never see my childhood chums again. They would knock on the door ring the bell ask my parents where I was how i was handling my new living quarters. They made profuse request for months after I’d made the drastic decision to quarantine myself to see them again. Just like when my parents called when Jonathan, James or Steve visited my rented property i hide from them not making a singular sound acting as a quiet as a mouse they finally got the message. The phone calls contained unabated never would i respond to their requests to reopen the line of communication. I had the brutal cold decision to extricate these people from my life indefinitely. No longer regarding these people as psychologically beneficial associations but vexatious appendages that i needed to remove from my life. Affectively ghosted my friends blanked them out in my myopic existence. These were individuals i had shared numerous wondrous teenage memories with. The ghosting had been successful and eventually they acquiesced to my yearning to be free from their company. My disorder though had escalated to the point i had become markedly impaired in my ability to relate to people. A life removed from people i posited was a idyllic transcendental way to live where the agonises of stress and depression would be mitigated by the lack of human contact.

I entered a life that i hoped would be salutary for my fragile introverted introspective personality type. Entering a life that would satiate my proclivity for the solitude. Now for the first time commencing a realm of a friendless life. My personal life was completely devoid of human contact of friends of romantic interests. Once a month if that i would have a superficial fleeting interaction with a family member that was the extent of my social life. At work I’d barely speak to anybody i would respond laconically in one word monosyllabic answers. Never would i get involved in elaborate discursive discussions with my work colleagues. I kept myself to myself maintained a detached state at work never opening myself up to the pain of friendship or any possibilities of intimacy. Rarely speaking refusing to laugh of showing a morsel of joy. At work i shut myself down removing the traces of warmth and humanity in my exterior persona. Becoming submerged in this endless loop of home and work with nothing meaningful or spontaneous in between.

My personal life had devolved into a vacuum of activity. Ceasing to socialise the only time i ventured outside to brave the anxiety of meeting strangers was to purchase vital household items such as food. With being schizoid i prohibited myself from going to bars and clubs getting drunk and high outside my private enclave. I had become a sad lonely figure who due to the hindrances of this disorder greatly preferred segregating myself from people. For a short period of time the novelty of this hermit life was pure bliss. I found immense solace in being a exiled alien creature existing without the human ideals of friendship. Having all this personal time this sovereignty over my life for the first time. Initially for the first few months i didn’t miss the friendships i had abandoned.

Not being burdened with human company allowed to indulge my passion for video games. I had forgotten how exciting how immersive video games had become. Reconnecting with a childhood passion of video games in my mid twenties. Video game virtual reality stimulation was a substitute pursuit that compensated for the absence of human stimulation. Video games were comparable to reading of great world of literature where i became absorbed in a virtual reality linear story telling experience. In alternative realities where you could live vicariously with these alter ego characters. Video games was an analogous to my propensity to indulge in a vast inner fantasy life. Being alone also gave me the freedom to reconnect with literature with exemplary musical creations. Having no witness nobody around for a monetary period was liberating being able to be uninhibited in my own private kingdom. I fell in love again with music with books with these private intellectual hobbies.

The new found lust for childhood passions for video games for these solitary domestic preoccupations was all in order to placate the vast emptiness of my new schizoid life. For the first initial months of living this private existence I felt euphoric like being high. Then gradually the novelty began to fade away. The depression the interminable loneliness returned with a vengeance. By removing my entire physical being from mainstream society from the possibility of love or platonic relationships i had sunk deeper intro a black hole of depression. I ascertained that by secluding myself from people it would give me a morsel of solace instead the depression the self loathing has remained with me. Now i had the acid regret at my aberrant behaviour in which I neglected and took for granted important people in my life. I laminated the loss of future memories that were sacrificed by this misguided decision to abandon human company in favour of a more tranquil private life. Instead of finding some serenity I had regressed into a emotionally and spiritually impoverished subsistence which lacked any proposed any direction. I drifted though the universe disassociated from all sentient beings not connecting with any living organism. Through the ravages of time i became numb to my pain to my inner torments i was silently enduring. Rather than confront the depression i numbed the wretched pain. Containing to adopt a detrimental defence mechanism by assuming a stoic robotic persona around people in order to shield myself from being emotionally vulnerable. This rut of a lifestyle this internal malaise was slowly killing like noxious fumes slowly poisoning my lungs.

I wished to reconcile with my friends i stupidly discarded I wanted another chance at the ecstasy of friendship. I would frequently peruse images of my ex friends on Facebook. The regret the sadness of losing beautiful from my life never to glimpse their faces again still haunts me today. Tears would emanate down my face when I contemplated the various friendships that disappeared from my life. The images the memories shown on the multitude of photographs on facebook. I could have revelled in these exultant memories the holidays the laughs the nights out i lost through having this disorder. This damaging disorder that’s left me alone surviving like a alien not fully part of the human race. That there are these fundamental life affirming experiences i would never participate in that I’m a bystander in life a ghost at the feast. I subsisted this way for years surviving as a nothing man existing on the outskirts of life. Searching hopelessly for another friendship to dull the pain of isolation. Hoping that a miracle would occur that I would unearth a precious gem of human kinship. I needed a friend somebody to break the walls to break the grind of being me.

Years rolled by with me exciting surviving in the darkness hoping to make a connection with another soul. To find the warm emphatic embrace of human comradeship. That miracle finally occurred i was presented with a second chance at adult friendship. I experienced a resurrection of humanity in my prosaic life. It happened in my mundane humdrum dead end warehouse job. This was the only venue where it was feasible i could reawaken from the hermit cocoon towards the iridescent glow of human connection. The majority of my tenure at TWC i ignored nearly all the employees at the warehouse. I am this weird emotionless robot drone who rarely engages in loquacious conversations. To most people at TWC i come across as a cold aloof detached figure. In spite of all these negative idiosyncrasies I cultivated a human acquaintanceship. I had forgotten how transformative it is to find a friends to witness a organic friendship blossom. I forged a friendship with 2 TWC workers within a short period of each other.

The first workplace friendship I made that rekindled my dormant social life was with nick jones. We were on a identical shift pattern. Spending days weeks months in case proximity to each other. Forming over a sustained duration of time a intimate beautiful friendship. Nick was one of the few people at TWC i could rightfully call a friend. Making friends was a insurmountable laborious task due to my inept nonexistent social skills. Somehow we overcome the hinderances of my asocial personality to make a poignant close connection. He was a normal man in his mid twenties with short brown hair. He often appeared unshaven rarely presenting a clean shaven look. He was of medium height with a slight athletic build that could be deceived as skinny. Unlike myself nick was a extrovert and proficient in all social situations. He was socially adroit and successful in the company of the opposite sex. I admired his verbal lucidity his effortless charm around attractive women. He brought me out of my own private cocoon into the wider world. The self confidence was one again restored the alienation the self loathing was subsided by this friendship. He being this normal functional person who had no apparent abnormal habits or personality quirks.

Our rapport our verbal communications was mostly superficial exchanges. Often dialoging about various television programs we watched our music we shared a mutual affinity for. Our interactions may have been surface level jovial small talk despite that I felt tremendous psychological benefit in having nick as a friend. The years of solitude of complete ostracism from society had lead me down a dark lonely desert highway of depression a sense of utter hopelessness finding myself slowly descending into suicidal desolation. Life at work in the intermittent years when I literally had no friends nobody to talk to was a dreary lifeless ambience. The atmosphere was transformed into a convivial friendly warehouse environment from my viewpoint. I was truly liberated from the shell of crippling shyness into a accepted loved workplace colleague all down to being bestowed from the gods a precious kindred spirit. The communication we shared may have seemed frivolous surface level conversations but there was a deeper subconscious meaning to our jocular interactions. We were communicating a platonic love with our emotional stunted and emotional repressed masculine tendencies. Never being able to delineate our deepest feelings to another man. Never having the verbal acuity for engaging in vulnerable revealing exchanges.

This relationship flourished over time it gave me a renewed lustre a renewed vigour a sense of purpose in being alive. It was a bond that developed concurrently with another integral friendship. I forged a beautiful friendship with a TWC colleague called Philip Robinson who was a part time employee. A comradeship that was formed almost in synchronicity with my bond with nick. Philip unlike nick worked part time using the warehouse employment wages to supplement his higher education aspirations. He had dreams to earn a engineer degree to transcend his vocational prospects out of the mundanity of low paying low skilled warehouse employment. Philip was another typical young adult of medium height and medium build. Even in his early twenties he had a receding hair line. He unlike myself was a naturally warm effervescent personality who had a eccentric distinctive laugh which almost sounded like a nervous tick. He was loved respected by all of the TWC colleagues due to his natural extroverted amicable persona. The alliance was a instantaneous connection there was a spark a cosmic kinship a platonic bond that was formed between us.

Philip like nick gave me the freedom to be myself in public to escape the confines of my ivory tower. The 2 indispensable friendships alleviated the alienation giving me some much needed validation making me feel like a human being instead of a grotesque alien creature. It was at work in this closed empty environment where i transformed i reemerged as a person instead of a living ghost trapped in the limbo of my disorder. At home in my personal space there was soul crushing emptiness there was a complete void of human connection or a morsel of meaningful human contact. Now by some freak cosmic miracle I discovered two beings who accepted me who actually enjoyed my company. Initially our friendship existed solely in the domain of the workplace locale. Where we would laugh and talk profusely we nullified the boredom the drudgery of TWC with humorous buoyant conversations. Having this heavenly sensation of friendship after years of the wilderness of solitude of social exile was almost a spiritual transcendent awakening. It was like to being transformed from a world of black and white emotional numbness towards a kaleidoscopic range of emotions. I was reintroduced to these lush vibrant human experiences. The darkness the melancholy of a friendless life had evaporated for a time.

Slowly as the friendships developed we began having rendezvous outside of the warehouse. Meeting in our various homes in pubs in clubs and restaurants. We started to socialise habitually going on these young adult nights out. Consuming excessive quantities of alcohol over the course of a sublime night of fraternising with my work place comrades. Being invited out with nick and Philip i felt accepted as a person that for a transitory time i felt alive. I was introduced to a larger circle of acquaintances. Individuals who were friends of nick and Philip with their respective tribe of companions joining us on sublime nights of heavenly public intoxication. Introduced into this sea of humanity into this ocean of colurful vivacious characters. The social anxiety the inadequate verbal skills still remained despite by rekindled self confidence. The inability to find any form of emotional intimacy still stained my dysfunctional personality. I found immense self affirmation in this new gregarious social calendar the alcohol fuelled nights out the drunken parties at my humble abode. Where music and games were played to a thunderous volume into the early hours. In this sacred trinity of close companions we were creating these enduring memories of a abiding collection of friendships. We ventured out to effusive nights in Mayberry town centre at least once a month. These were majestic occasions where all the alienation all the piss and shit of being schizoid melted away as i was enamoured with the warmth of human contact being accepted as a person by a select group of individuals.

In having these platonic emotionally connective friendships i had temporarily abated my negative schizoid symptoms. In the absence of the company of my amicable chums the sense of alienation the robotic aloof exterior reappeared. In close proximity to strangers i once again collapsed into a ghost figure into my own private fantasy universe. Despite me maintaining cultivating a handful of intimate connections i remained a prisoner of this deeply inhabiting personality disorder. I couldn’t cast away the fences the iron bars of being schizoid. I was trapped forever a tiny insular world that had a fleeting injection of colour of a brief window of possibility of a life more enriching than I was currently existing in.

I still had unfulfilled dreams that i was precluded from exploring due to my severe limitations of being schizoid. I yearned to unbind myself from the walls of this soul crushing noxious warehouse work that was poisoning my body and soul. Wanting desperately a future vocation more financially rewarding a vocation that satiated my intellectual desires. Yet being hindered by this deliberating disorder and self loathing I never pursued these tantalising career prospects. Still despite the grimness of my employment in my mid twenties i benefited from the ameliorating oxygen of human companionship. This oxygen for the soul that was bestowed upon me had given me a modicum of hope for the future. It gave me the allusion that i could escape the humdrum employment escape one day my desolate town. It provide me a ray of light that maybe one day i could make a significant contribution to the world despite my acute character flaws.

The intimate friendship i cultivated with Nick and Philip remained a tight bond. However when I was introduced into their larger circle of mates i struggled to connect to craft convivial relationships with their multitude of drinking companions. Forming emotional connections with individuals outside the sanctuary of my two only real friends was a laborious insurmountable undertaking. Nick and Philip were my witnesses to the world to myself my 2 kindred spirits. They were 2 lifelines that kept me alive that bestowed me a semblance of normality. In their radiating protective company i no longer perceived myself as a freakish outcast with a deformed appearance and personality but a person.

The friendship continued to develop of a number of years. Our co-association reached its zenith when we embarked on a exciting holiday excursion in a foreign city. For somebody such as me accustomed to a private secluded life with sustained periods of social isolation this was a daunting dangerous adventure. To have a concentrated stretch in close proximity with my friends was stressful. It would be a severe test of my limitations would my personality peculiarities or character peccadilloes be unmasked on this holiday. At this moment in my adulthood I was cognisant of my personality disorder of the various symptoms that had continued to be a detriment to the quality of my life. I had managed through diligence to maintain a mask of normality never fully exposing myself to Nick and Philip. The miracle of these dual friendships had empowered me to become less social maladroit. Despite the beneficiary i was bequeathed with these two miraculous friendships I still endured depression kept my private life my damaged personality a secret. Kept secret my preceding clique of friends that I neglected and ghosted. Never divulged my ambiguous sexuality never confined to Nick and Philip my various eccentric tendencies. I refused to impart my long arduous struggle with suicidal depression i kept this pain hidden in the shadowlands of my consciousness. Kept my eccentric habit of my intricate fantasy world where i vicariously lived through a charismatic alternative version of myself. Never would I dare transmit these undisclosed torments of my maladroit defective personality type even to my closest compadres.

This vacation my first vacation for a number of years was to be a rigorous test to our friendship to my ability to function in mainstream society. I attempted to appear a normal ordinary citizen around Nick and Philip. Despite my best efforts i was regarded as a eccentric odd ball with a piercing sardonic wit. I got enormous emotional validation from inducing laughter from eliciting joy out of my friends mouths. Before this enriching connection my life had taken on a insipid directionless path. I had become a nothing person a phantom existing only in a alternative virtual landscape of my imagination. When we embarked on this heterosexual week long excursion to Prague it would be a transitory moment where my body was transported into a state of celestial bliss. It was a rare coruscating twinkling of pure happiness being surrounded with charming company of my charismatic duo. On this jaunt we digested alcohol with a insatiable appetite we danced we laughed we explored the beautiful gothic architecture of Prague. There was a myriad of majestic memories that have penetrated my memory that will never leave me. Memories that now fill my heart with heart wrenching sadness. To many young extroverted social animals this would be a commonplace weeklong holiday to a European capital. My life wasn’t normal it was a life deprived of human contact of enchanting holidays abroad. Week long vacations had to be treasured this was rare occurrence in my sad empty social calendar. I had to cherish this brief moment in time when i was genuinely happy when i was a functional member of the human race.

Every night we’d partake in exorbitant volume of alcohol. Drinking shots of absinthe experiencing the blissful instantaneous airy sensation that pulsates in your bloodstream from a single shot of the green fairy. In Prague absinthe is a celebrated alcoholic spirit. To consume a single shot is a intense overpowering sensation that subverts your sensory perception instantly. Getting immediately smashed from absinthe was one of the seminal moments of this heavenly holiday where I felt truly liberated from the shackles of my deeply introverted spirit. The days were permeated with serene sight seeing as we traversed the various wonders of this picturesque city. Nights were interfused with alcohol and high quality luxurious cuisine. We devoured the food and alcohol like ravenous beasts. The devouring of the culinary feast and alcohol nourished my body and soul which had been bereft of quality prolonged exciting nights out in a captivating setting. The holiday sadly ended after 7 days and nights of enduring coruscating memories .

I came home to my grim lacklustre home town. With dreary rainy weather and a bleak urban landscape permeated with images of grey. A town where beauty where colour and vitality was absent. I returned to a life of permanent mundanity a survival subsistence existence. Surviving on poverty wages in a soulless workplace setting. Life in TWC in Mayberry was such a stark contrast to the bliss to the sublimity the nirvana i experienced holidaying in Prague. This glaring contrast of the aesthetic beauty of a vibrant bustling European city and my lifeless artless hometown caused me to sink once agin into a severe bout of depression.

When i was inflicted with almost suicidal depression i began to perceive a dramatic shift in my personality in my behaviour. The symptoms of my disorder became increasingly prominent in my life. The depression the alienation the need to retreat further and further away from direct tangible human contact. Found myself yearning aching for the tranquility drug of isolation. Wanting to push the few friends i had away. I was replicating the same damaging corrosive pattern of neglecting important beneficial friendships. The need for a socially quarantined was so acute it was analogous to a alcoholics dependency on alcohol. My alcohol my narcotic that soothed the pain the anxiety was to be separated from any human contact to extricate all intimate relationships from my life. Dark changes were occurring in me in how in how i related to the world.

I began to detach from society sinking into a big blue dreamworld for comfort for alleviation from the self loathing. The level of social anxiety I experienced was intensifying as a consequence of my deteriorating mental state. Instead of resolving these issues seeking the therapeutic help of a qualified professional or confiding in a confidant I collapsed in on myself. In stress inducing social situations i adopted a stoic emotionally glacial persona. My communication acuity suffered at work around people becoming increasingly verbally unexpressive. The genesis of my condition began in my late teens it had metastasised throughout my twenties. Now the disorder was gravely affecting my lifestyle. Before this even being impaired with these symptoms of being schizoid i maintained a semblance of a healthy adjusted life. I had a sparse social life but managed through onerous conditions to formulate human connections. Now all the hope all the possibility was vanishing as i began my final decent into full blown hermitage.

The friendships i had managed despite my maladroit social manners were now in the fervent of my disorder being seriously affected. I perpetuated the pattern of neglect of ghosting close intimate acquaintances. I reiterated the detrimental cycle of anti social behaviour which had previously lead me to lose all my cherished childhood mates. I started with rejecting vociferous invitations for nights out with sublime drunken social intercourse and fraternising with attractive women. Slowly i retired to my secluded safe space in my private enclave. Going out meeting with friends and strangers became in the apex of being schizoid so physically and psychologically onerous I preferred to be confined in my isolation chamber far removed from the iridescent warmth of human friendship. My refusal to accept social invitations had gotten to the point i made a conscious decision to amputate these two momentous individuals from my world. I wanted to end these workplace platonic connections that through some divine miracle had been created in my life. I saw in value no purpose no joy in having any friends. Friendship in the sickness of my condition began to associate intimacy with anxiety. Achieving intimacy sharing a lifetime of sublime memories was antithetical to my asocial personality type. I desired to carve out a adulthood devoid of human contact.

Still Nick and Philip doggedly persisted in maintaining contact in requesting my company in days out on holidays on evenings in Mayberry luxuriating in each other’s company. I vehemently repudiated their persistent invites until they would eventually get the message that i no longer desired their friendship. Around Nick and Philip I ceased being this open humorous warm acquaintance i adopted this callous indifferent aura becoming increasingly detached in their company. I was slowly pushing them away in a effort to shield myself from the pain i was retreating a defence mechanism i have done my entire adult life. In my damaged mind I identified emotional intimacy with torment and anguish. From this mindset i carried on a cycle of disregarding ignoring the minuscule circle of friends completely. The relationships eventually fell apart we refrained from engaging in any genuine substantive communication. Nick and Philip would move on to more prosperous stimulating vocations. I was left behind trapped in the mundanity the emptiness of working in a dead end job. We barely spoke even when they worked the last few months at TWC. As they relocated to more desirable workplace settings our correspondence ceased we became ghosts mere memories in each other’s lives.

It’s been 2 or 3 years since i have even glimpsed Nick or Philip. In that short time we have lost contact never again will we utter a solitary word to each other. Our once beautiful glorious alliance has died a tragic death. At the time when i drifted away untethered myself from the few remaining friendships it seemed a opportunity to actualise a prefect solitary serene life for myself. To dissociate myself absolutely from the world of humans into a private fantasy universe where only I existed. A world free from the agita of visceral human interaction. A virtual world where i would be precluded from other people’s worries. I envisioned this blissful nirvana where I existed in a isolated vacuum. In this world i would compensate the dearth of human stimulation with virtual stimulation. Filling the void with video games with reading the great works of literature with award wining entertainment.

This new reality i anticipated was a vision of heaven a pure existence in which i would be emancipated from the shackles of human relationships. Initially like when I extracted myself from my immediate family from my childhood chums I felt a enormous sense of relief. A unburdened sensation that lifted my spirits as is as free to live the life i always desired. However as the euphoria of this new situation dissipated and i settled into the dull routine of the unaccompanied emotional disassociated life. Rather then being imbued with joy or serenity my soul was crushed with the endless boredom of this life. The days weeks spent with me myself and i for company nobody to converse with, only having a handful of brusque monosyllabic conversations with distant work associates became so depressing. I returned to the pathetic ghost of a life I had before i connected with nick and Philip. Retuned to the interminable loneliness the repressed pain you experience at being this ostracised from other humans.

I became progressively emotional shut down adopting a cold robotic visage in public. Whilst at the same time having all these repressed dark sadness that i was unable to divulge to another soul. My cries of anguish were silent screams which nobody hears or cared about my descent into the black abyss of nothingness i was plummeting towards. My life became a ghost trapped in this self manufactured purgatory. No love no friendship no human being to comfort my silent emotional screams. I had sequestered myself away from all of humanity in the hope of a slither of serenity in the sequestration I discovered greater levels of melancholy that permeated my consciousness. The friendships I selfishly abandoned were now just fading memories. Memories of a joyous ebullient period of my life. Now in the void all I had in my mind were fading reminisces images of the beauty of friendship. I gazed upon imagery of relinquished friendships on facebook as I glimpsed these images my soul was saturated with despondency. The acid regret at all the vivacious future memories i missed out on. The tender beautiful friendships which were squandered because of being afflicted with this pernicious personality disorder. I could of had a rich life with colourful warm people could of had love if I wasn’t condemned to this prison of exile from meaningful human relationships.

The memories that are evoked as i inspect the images of past fronds haunt me. They are visual illustration of my broken dreams shattered illusions. Images of childhood of vacationing with my once closest cohorts. They are daily reminders of the man i used to be the man i could have developed into. This warm friendly young soul who enjoyed being alive who basked in the coruscating warmth of human company. Now these photographs i briefly inspect remind me of the effusive life I could have lived if i was normal. A vigorous life lived without walls with a abundance of love of enriching friends. Now all i have is this crippled personality this emptiness of a phantom limbo life. All i am now is a alien creature enclosed in a cage unable to break free and interest with other humans. A alien confined in this rusty cage in a metaphorical prison of a personality disorder with emotional torture that will never be articulated to another living soul

2 thoughts on “Chapter 6 I Have No Friends

  1. You express very vividly, left me feeling hollow and tremendously sad.
    I think you have a voice that deserves hearing.
    Wonderful post even given the nature of it. How else do we learn if not from one another?

    Like

  2. Thank u for sharing such a personal rollercoaster ride with us. U r a brave individual with many more obstacles to deal with in ur adult life. U have put a few painful needles into my heart and in a lot of ways I understand ur tormented soul. Again thank u for sharing such personal information about urself 🙏🌞

    Like

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