As i progressed into adolescence i was cognisant that i began to change as a person. Transforming in many positive aspects in my self confidence in my ambitions for the future. Benefiting from the atmosphere that was fostered in my secondary school education. It was a environment where you could thrive where intellectual curiosity was nurtured. For the first time at school i was valued i was infused with a passion for learning. There opened up this world of opportunity of promise out there for me to explore.
At primary school i was stifled i was stultified by the education system. The stricter unimaginative teaching methods was something I’d never benefit from. The fact at school i struggled verbally that i was painfully shy lacking in any confidence whatsoever. The long shadow of emotional and social impairment had faded from my memory. Now i become a flower blooming thriving in this intellectual stimulating milieu of secondary school education.
Began to have these grand dreams these illusions of my future. Whereas before my sense of worthlessness had left me believing I’d grew up to be a nothing man to be a pathetic waste of a man. The alienation subsided to a period of unbridled optimism. I had these visions of my future of wild adventures of breaking free from my hometown. A life of more than traversing to a meaningless dead end soul destroying job 9 till 5 job. A life I envisioned that was filled with interesting charismatic individuals. I dreamed of entering a vocation that allowed me to grow to flourish as a person. Even as a teenager i had desires for leaving for leaving my desolate hometown. Constantly fantasising about being a musician about being famous being a individual who made a significant impact on the world on humanity.
In Mayberry in this suffocating ambience of poverty of mind numbing labour opportunities my dreams my would never be actualised in this environment. I knew that i had to escape the walls of this town. That I had to endeavour to work tremendously hard at school. To benefit from incessant studying by attaining access to university education. A university that would give me the passage towards a more economically and spiritually prosperous existence. At my secondary school this idealised future seemed a plausible attainable reality. Before i was paralysed with self doubt in my lack of belief in my own intellect. The childhood scars of my own behavioural and social impairment existed for the remainder of my primary education.
As a teenager i was still deeply inhabited with a lack of confidence socially. I was still this profoundly introverted person who struggled to articulate himself emotionally to people. I wasn’t progressing in my limited social skills but i was flourishing in my school studies. Whereas at primary school i was categorised as a substandard pupil. Now in the ameliorating climate of the secondary school i advanced to the top stratosphere in the majority of subjects. Now going to school i actually enjoyed learning meeting new people being introduced to new ideas new intellectual pursuits. This door towards a brighter more illuminating future had been opened up.
Despite all these advancements i was having still i remained this isolated lonely teenager. I was liberated from the stagnation of primary school however wasn’t altering in my detrimental inability to convey myself emotionally. I forged new friendships at school but still struggled in the majority of social situations. The anxiety the terse conversational style still persisted in my personality. Rather than casting away these negative traits in my early adolescence these character traits had become solidified in my character. The idiosyncrasies that suggested that i might be suffering from a pathological personality disorder weren’t diminishing. The social aloofness the poor verbal dexterity were all prevalent in my developing psyche. I still drifted into a elaborate fantasy world to cope with the daily ordeals of my isolation my teenage melancholia. However now i began to conceive of a future were my dreams could be realised. Always knew I’d never be this charismatic extroverted person that existed in my inner dreamworld. I could through be somebody more that a lonely nothing man. I could conceive of a future where i could fall on love that i was capable of happiness. I envisioned a life of travel of adventure of endless exploration all these were now in the sanguine light of my adolescence distinct possibilities.
As a teenager is still yearned to break free to be different to end the alienation i endured every day. Still was trapped inside my head having this overwhelming weight i was desperate to confide in another acquaintance. Nonetheless remained a outsider a teenager who saw himself marginalised separated from mainstream society. Continued to labour in forming new meaningful poignant relationships. The friends i had at secondary school were generally the same circle of friends I maintained from primary school. Never really fostering new friends at secondary school they were peers i conversed with who i had superficial shallow interactions with. These weren’t long lasting emotionally beneficial relationships. Also during my formative teenage years i rarely socialised outside of school. Occasionally playing football with my minuscule circle of friends from primary school. On rare occurrences I’d invite a friend to spend the night these were extremely rare events in my sparse social calendar.
After school I would spend extensive periods in the private isolation chamber of my bedroom. Disappearing after school into the enticing alluring fantasy world of video pages immersing myself into virtual reality indulgences. Submerging myself away from the world into protracted isolated states. This is the antisocial pattern i perpetuated from childhood that temporarily relieved my anxiety by inhaling the oxygen of solitude. The normalised routine on schooldays was coming home from school walking alone as i lived a different region of town than my school comrades. When i arrived home I’d vanish upstairs to my fortress of solitude disappearing into the seductive universe of video games. Losing myself in music in celebrated world of literature. In these hermit pusrsuits i could escape the harsh reality of being me of being this painfully inrtoverted. Losing myself in fantasy in daydreaming of escaping this forsaken town which felt like extricating myself from a prison. Seldom would i leave my isolation cell other than to eat with my family. Remaining locked inside my cave working diligently night after night on my studies. Desperately wanting to vacate Mayberry forever, this town was so oppressive i felt it slowly crushing my tender spirit living in a world without colour. A world of boredom a harsh brutal life would await me if I remained ensconced here as a adult. Therefore i was steadfastly determined to obtain exemplary grades giving me access to a prominent university education and a pathway towards a alleviated existence. I understood even as a teenager there even basic attributes i lacked. My inadequate social prowess a factor which was going to adversely affect the quality of my adult life.
There were areas subjects I excelled at subjects such as mathematics science and English literature i had demonstrated great proficiency and curiosity towards. There were other subjects such as music which provided me with immense pleasure. Listening to music enabled me to endure the struggles of being this way. Music was a avenue of creativity i discovered when i listened and played various musical instruments. Providing me with a outlet allowing myself to express my pain. The release of repressed emotions the ability to connect with other people through playing and listening to music. I had a aptitude for music had mastered the guitar and piano to become a accomplished player of these alluring musical instruments. Playing music allowing my creativity to flourish gave me fantastical dreams of becoming this charismatic rock star. I would let my imagination run free with flight of fancy about being a rock star being admired by millions of adoring fans having a profound connection to millions of admirers. Music i ascertained was a beneficial outlet were all by crippling inhibitions all my anxiety all this sadness buried deep inside me could me released. These were my passions the venues of learning where I sought to better myself. The love I possessed foot music the inclination for the subjects of mathematics and sciences is how i would liberate myself from this town. I could circumvent the trappings of poverty of a life of menial subsistence labour with vigorously committing to my studies.
As I entered adolescence my relationship with my immediate family began to change it began to deteriorate. When i was a child i was relatively close there was a intimate bond to my family. Now i became detached aloof from my family especially from my mother and father. The relationship with my father since i enrolled in my primary school had become very disconnected. We struggled to compose meaningful conversations. My father like myself could never be characterised as loquacious conversations between us often were staid and uncomfortable. We would converse in facile superficial topics such as football or the weather but never engage in deep intimate conversations. My fathers withdrawn shy nature precluded him from enquiring about how i was doing of where i envisioned my future as i progressed into adulthood. I on my part made no real endeavour to improve our emotionally glacial relationship. Hence we rarely saw each other I disappeared to my protracted states of solitude when i was at home. Only seeing my father when we would watch television like a normal nuclear family. The conversations were succinct with laconic remarks on the televisual program we were observing. I desperately wanted a considerably more healthy interconnection with my father wanting to break through the ice. Having a real moment where we connected was so elusive so incredibly unlikely considering our introverted personalities. We were doomed to have this estranged distant rapport. I can never recall a moment of physical embrace a hug a declaration of love between us. Displays of affection were antithetical to my fathers austere cold nature. I wanted yearned for a solitary act of paternal affection I’m convinced it would help to nullify all the alienation all the depression i tolerated as a teenager and adult. The hugs never came so i grew accustomed to the coldness normalising it. As i grew older i withdraw further and further away from my father to the point it was a broken relationship devoid of any real intimacy.
My relationship with my father was never close yet as i commenced the tumult of my adolescence I drifted apart from my mother. We were once bonded together in a healthy place. The displays of maternal affection were common in the early stages of my childhood. It was a attachment that allowed me to survive the pains of my existence. It became a shelter for my many interpersonal relationship issues. Struggling since i was a infant to establish meaningful friendships which left a gapping chasm in my soul that was filled with my mothers infinite love. The need for validation for acceptance which i never received from the world from my school peers i obtained from the warm bosom of my mothers love. As i began to alter as i person in my teenage years i began to disassociate from mother. The intimacy had slowly vanished as i exhibited abnormal schizoid like behaviour. At the time I understood this as normal behaviour wanting to establish a modicum of independence to break free from the confines of family to become a autonomous person. It’s perfectly normal and healthy to have a separate independent life from your matriarch.
However becoming so withdrawn and uncommunicative around my family members were the warning signs of a antisocial personality disorder. Just like my relationship with my father i never articulated my emotional problems with my mother. Becoming to my family a aloof stand offish person who sequestered himself from daily family life. As I grew older i developed a familiar pattern of behaviour where i secluded myself from my parents. It was a routine of avoiding human contact preferring to lock myself away from the the warmth of family. Living in isolation away from humanity even as a teenager i despised being around people even people i was related to. I was beginning to regress further inwards into a socially withdrawn lifestyle. It started with my immediate family with my sister. These genetic relationships had lost there allure there meaning
My sister Racheal throughout my problematic childhood remained close to me. She was akin a close friend we had a profound bind that went beyond being related. In my really childhood trauma with being characterised as being abnormal my interconnection with Racheal was instrumental in facilitating being integrated in mainstream society with children my own age. She provided me with a buffer to assuage my social anxieties enabling me to forge friendships. More than my mother my sister made me feel like a human like i mattered instead of this deformed alien creature. Having the radiating glow of her kinship allowed me to escape the confines of my metaphorical prison allowing me to view childhood with colour with hope with promise for the future. As mentioned previously my sister had a contrasting personality type to me. Whereas i was deeply introverted Racheal was a loquacious extrovert who enjoyed immensely socialising with her classmates.
I can see the beginnings of my detrimental behaviour in pushing my sister away from me in once again disassociating myself from a indispensable relationship. As we became adolescents we detached from each other. I disappearing to my fortress of solitude having infrequent conversations with Racheal. Pulling myself from people who i cared for pushing away family members who genuinely love me who showered me with affection was the beginnings of my disorder. I resisted getting close to any family member needing badly to be alone. Even though my sister went to the same school as myself and was of a similar age we had been reduced to virtual strangers at secondary school. On the sporadic occasions we did partake in conversations it was usually robotic formal verbal exchanges between us. At the time i didn’t deduce this behaviour to be peculiar or the preliminary signs of a life long disorder which would severely affect the quality of my finite existence. At the time and now i am immensely sad about how we lost each other how the intimacy was lost. How through my taciturn manner this beautiful kinship lost its warmth lost its affection.
My teenage years were marred by a profound sense of alienation from society from my family. I felt vehemently this sensation of being exiled from society seeing myself as a other as a alien freak in a world of beautiful photogenic humans. Over the course of my childhood enduring intense feeling of self loathing of feeling worthless. Now through my teenage eyes the genesis of suicidal depression took root in my atypical consciousness. The feeling of being analogous to a lost soul travelling the desert searching for water to stay alive searching desperately for salvation from the terminal loneliness. At primary school in my pre-pubescent years i never had depression their was a all encompassing melancholy that never left me. However this pervasive sadness had metastasised into dark thoughts of suicide. Constantly over the duration of my adolescence i would ruminate about the possibility of killing myself. It became normal in my damaged mind to have wishes to die to want to cease being a sentient breathing being. Never did i articulate divulge these dark inner thoughts to another soul. I buried this depression repressing these emotions the emotional torment was never to be conveyed to anybody ever. From the onset of my teenage desolation i buried the pain made a secret pact to never verbalise my emotions to remain lost alone in the darkness of being me of being alive in this cruel world.
Wishing now I could have taken a alternative path that i would seek help to proclaim my pain to anybody. Wishing with deep regret that i would utter my emotional problems to a friend to a relative to a professional psychologist. Instead i took the pernicious decision to numb myself to these negative emotions to never adequately address the inner tumult. I became numb retreating inwards away from society from human contact sequestering into the serenity of a private world. This was the inception of my personality disorder. The silence the impossibility of connecting my pain with a friend. There was nobody out there who i believed would have the humanity the compassion to be interested in my suicidal predilections.
The world the school environment seemed a cold indifferent place. To survive to function i had to force myself to be emotional stunted to anaesthetise myself to protracted clinical depression. The idea of talking to my guardians to a teacher the depths of depression i had sunken into was utterly terrifying. It’s was completely alien to be that emotionally vulnerable to be honest. It was easier to adopt a mask of aloofness to never grew to never become emotional literate remaining this underdeveloped person. Despite my apparent detachment from my depression from this black cancer living inside me i still had perennial thoughts of suicide. I deliberated in my defective adolescent mind the most effective pain free method of suicide. I hypothesised about suicide in a meticulous rigorous manner thinking about all the methods of ending my life. Thinking about every minuscule detail of suicide wether i would leave a final suicide note. In reflection i had decided to become a ghost a memory by consuming a large dosage of pills which i surmised would surely kill me. Didn’t want to leave a predictable note or suicidal lament wanting to remain enigmatic and secretive even in death. I had these sick fantasies of my funeral. Envisioning relatives friends morning my death dressed in stereotypical funeral garb. In death my life would have meaning i would have a momentary moment of notoriety in a tragic successful suicide attempt. I was cognisant these were sick twisted thoughts were evidence that I wasn’t right in the head. I was fully aware i had a severe untreated mental illness that drastically needed treatment through speaking to a psychiatrist and taking anti depressant medications which would alleviate these life threatening bouts of depression.
In the black dog of depression i was completely alone with nobody to be a witness to my unbearable pain. The pain just existed in the recesses of my damaged mind like a cancer growing infected my entire body. The dark fatalistic fantasies remained prevalent in my daily thoughts the demons found no useful outlet. The depression remained repressed just negatively affecting by sparse social life my ability to form romantic relationship. The relentless unending depression was a major factor why I enjoyed being alone being without human company. Having a barren social life never asking or arranging to meet up with friends.
I did have a intimate circle of friends despite my severely limited social abilities i managed to cultivate and maintain these enduring friendships. These acquaintances were individuals i was acquainted with from early on in my primary school tenure. I had no real acquaintances outside of the enclave of the school environment. Never congregating with teenagers in my local neighbourhood. These were signs of the adult life i would lead. A lack of proclivity for socialising with strangers opting to be cloistered inside my own personal monastery of solitude. On the seldom occasions i came across other teenagers outside of the school milieu i ignored them never allowing myself to become friendly to become attached or acquainted with these strange teenagers. I kept myself to myself restraining a small tribe of lifelong school companions. Can still recollect the names of my longstanding teenage friendships.
There was James Gallagher who i knew from the preliminary stages of my primary school education. James was a tall slender adolescent with a great sense of style. I admired him for his photogenic looks for his effortless self confidence. I had known James from the age of 5. We were close friends James and i were friendly when i was misdiagnosed with childhood autism. He knew me from my darkest loneliest childhood days. He was one of my first friendships i manage to cultivate in spite of my maladroit personality. It was a truly meaningful friendship that enabled me to build a semblance of self confidence. This friendship empowered me to become a functional member of society. It was a enduring friendship built upon glorious joyous memories and shared leisure pursuits. A companionship forged on mutual tastes in music on a identical sense of humour. I envied James for his gregarious effusive personality for his wry sense of humour. Envied him for his adroit manner with the opposite sex. I wish I could converse with women with the ease without the panic inducing anxiety I had to endure in my angst ridden teenage character.
Another abiding school friend was Steve mcnulty. I had been acquainted with Steve since the age of 7 when serendipitously we were placed in the same class. Just like James this was a immensely beneficial friendship which allowed me to feel like a normal human. The early childhood alienation and conversational difficulties has dissipated as a consequence of these vital ameliorating childhood friendships. Steve was different in terms of his physicality than James being considerably more stocky in his build. Like James was loquacious in unfamiliar social situations was able to interact with fluency with strangers. As a socially precocious teenager he carried on his gregarious nature freely talking to women without reluctance a quality i envied tremendously. He had a bounty of girlfriends throughout his secondary school education. Indeed women found him attractive he had a effusive charming personality that women found alluring. I on the other hand was doomed to never possess this qualities i barely spoke to women i was physically attracted to. Wanting to be transformed into this effusive charismatic extrovert who could seduce women. Inside i was locked inside the walls of my crippling shyness. Cursed to never break my inhibitions to never conquer the barriers of my damaged personality. Even though I envied my friends proficient interpersonal abilities never did i resent them. I had deep admiration for their verbal lucidity their emotional competency around attractive women i revered these captivating traits.
The individual who became my closest companion during my duration at secondary school was Jonathan smith. We were distant friends throughout our time in primary school where never becoming close chums. Jonathan was a peripheral figure at my primary school as a result as being in a different close throughout the duration of my tenure at primary school. In the first year at my secondary education establishment we were brought together by fate in the same class. He became my undeniable best friend as a consequence of being placed in close proximity to each other. We developed in a short time this intimate beautiful friendship. Having this trusted close companion help to assuage my social anxiety. Jonathan was markedly dissimilar to me in his character and in terms of his physicality. Physically he could described as overweight with a corpulent physique. Despite his bulky physical frame Jonathan was a vastly popular figure at secondary school. Other classmates ensued his amicable charming extroverted personality. Having him as a friend allowed me to function in the uncomfortable atmosphere of the classroom. Jonathan with his curly auburn hair with his freckled face with his idolisation of indie music was a significant figure in my formative teenage years. I have hypothesised in my mind that this friendship helped to offset my emotional my psychological issues until early adulthood. I was still painfully shy but i had these salutary friendships where we partook in normal teenage pursuits. Jonathan introduced me to the serene hobby of fishing. He intiated me into this tranquil pastime where i felt this appreciation for the beauty of nature. These various activities i experienced that i was begrudgingly encouraged to participate in allowed myself to have a ostensibly normal teenage hood.
Still though i only had a minuscule clique of friends i struggled to foster relationships outside of this clique. In the school holidays i found myself retreating inwards into this hermit existence. Having a vacuum of a social life never having the impetus to call one of my friends relaying on my extroverted chums to contact me and arrange a meeting. When i was on a vacation from school I neglected friendships i concealed myself in my enclave separated from human contact. It’s the same antisocial pattern of behaviour I’ve maintained in my adult life only the level of isolation and need for solitude has exacerbated.
It was not only the area of establishing friendship i laboured with but it was meeting relating to girls i struggled with. I was severely hampered with my severe anxiety that impaired my ability to connect with women. Hence I barely spoke to other girls at school. Girls i found sexually attractive i froze up on the inside becoming inarticulate never being able to convey my emotions my pent up desires. Never being able to break the ice form a connection with a heavenly nymph. I had all this emotion all these repressed desires all these fervid hormones swirling round my body desperate to be released. Around women i was utterly pathetic so overwhelmed by these fantasies of sex by the fantastical possibility of a romantic relationship. Therefore i struggled to interact to forge a romantic or sexual relationship with women that could lead to profound levels of intimacy or the utopia of falling in love. To achieve the dream of love i had to be a alternative personality type. To have a girlfriend achieve the wonders bounty of love and sex i needed to cast away this aloof shy emotionless persona and become a charismatic garrulous teenager. That was never going to happen i was doomed to be imprisoned inside the cage of this inhibiting impairing personality disorder. Throughout my teenage years i was unable to lose my virginity was never had a girlfriend. To have a girlfriend you need to be confident outgoing and emotionally available you require all these positive attributes. Never did i go on a date never had the fortitude to ask a winsome beauty out on a rendezvous. That idea of spending an entire evening with a enchanting women having to be charming engage in interesting conversation was utterly terrifying. The dearth of self confidence the deficient social graces precluded me form having these vital enriching adolescent experiences. Not only i never had sex a date never did i participate in a kiss. Never touching my tender lips against another human in a physical manifestation of love never to feel truly alive to be validated as a sexual being. This was the asocial behaviour where I refrained from engaging in carnal pleasures this cycle of behaviour would persist over the duration of my sad pathetic life. It was a life where human contact was lacking where i seldom communicated warmth or a modicum of sexual interest towards anybody. A subsistence where i was cast out by society due to my inability to connect emotionally. Women ignored me i had these perceptions of deep rooted inadequacy and self loathing that intensified through the alienation and constant rejection.
I supplemented the dearth of human contact by consuming soft core pornography and indulging in the glorious pursuit of self love. In masturbation i could fulfil my wildest fantasies i lost myself in vivid daydreaming of engaging in sublime acts of sexual congress. Just like my proclivity for existing in a intricate fantasy world where i lived through alter ego character in consuming pornography in self gratification i could satisfy my unfulfilled sexual and romantic desires. In my heart i became cognisant sex and romance were going to be allusive pleasure for me. Due to my severely handicapped verbal skills and inability to find emotional intimacy i was destined to have a sporadic sex life with protracted periods of celibacy
As i was a teenager as i started having sexual desires I began having real doubts about my sexual orientation. As i was a abject failure around women i developed these amorous feelings for other men. I was confused what my sexual identity was not knowing if i was heterosexual or bisexual or queer. I posited this was a reaction to women showing no interest in my unappealing homely appearance. As a young man i found it considerably more comfortable conversing with men. With women there was this heightened anxiety around men i found myself more lucid able to be more engaging in social interaction. I started watching the occasional video of gays porn i would pleasure myself to alluring images of attractive men. I was experimenting in private not knowing for sure my exact sexual orientation. Even after indulging in vast quantities of gay porn i believed I wasn’t gay. Continued to find myself attracted to females and had illusions of falling in love with a goddess. When I’d fantasise of being in love invariably it was a women rarely a man would appear in my elaborate sexual imaginations. These sexual inclinations for en i kept hidden in the tombs of my mind never revealing it to another soul. Homosexuality was still a taboo subject even in the early 21st century. To come out as gay would require immense courage. Taking a audacious act in admitting to my sexual identity would force me to be unguarded. Force me to become a diametrically opposed personality to be open person instead of this secretive loner.
My formative teenage years laid the foundation for how i lived the rest of my life. The detrimental behaviour the aloofness the tendency for long phases of isolation. The compensating for my sparse social life and ineptness in fostering friendships with losing myself in a rich virtual life. A fantasy world which allowed me to be emancipated from the shackles of my social inertia. My teenage years had a veneer of normality with myself retaining genuine meaningful friendships. I had a life where at times i felt normal still though i was tortured by feeling so alienated by a physical dysmorphia that made me feel like a alien freak not a beautiful human being. I viewed myself as a alien unable to process to elucidate normal human emotions. That certain fundamental human experiences i was prohibited from partake in. It’s obvious with my abnormal behavioural tendencies the signs were that that i had this personality disorder. Never had a singular sexual relationship never divulged you deepest emotions never revealed my sexual desires. Kept a secret my battle with depression never confiding with anybody my suicidal impulses. Back then i still harboured illusions of having a normal functional adult life. I understood I was going to struggle in unfamiliar social situations struggle to formulate new acquaintances. Still had these vast ambitions to travel the globe to better myself intellectually to leave the confines of this bleak English town. Having fantasies to enrol in a prestigious university to study in the fields of English or humanities. Envisions this future where i could become a successful musician who had emotional catharsis via the creation and performance of music.
The depths of their disorder for now i was largely ignorant of. I was blind to how this pathological disorder would adversely affect my social life my vocational prospects the general quality of my life.