This will be my final video my last words will be recorded for posterity on my YouTube channel. I intend to end my life my hanging myself with a rope I purchased from amazon that was delivered promptly and discretely. The rope concealed in a package that hides my harmful intentions to severe my life at the tender age of 23. I craft a noose knot that my scrawny neck can fit inside. Its a tight knot that will quickly cut off my air supply and leave my hanging lifeless staring forlornly into the camera. This video will play live on YouTube on the live stream feature and will continue to play live until my camera battery runs out. I intend to leave an hour worth of battery on my rudimentary camera which I use to record all my previous videos.
I tentatively remove the mirror from inside my closet so i can assiduously apply the red lipstick and black eyeliner to my hideous face. Once again my skin crawls at the ghastly sight of my face. I gaze deeply into my eyes seeing the haunted vacant expression in my emerald green eyes. My eyes i once believed were my only attractive physical feature. They once long ago shinned sparkled with a lust for life. Now they are ravaged by years of depression they are bloodshot there’s no colour no emotion just a void of nothingness. The rest of my porcelain face is as unappealing as repulsive as usual. My blotchy skin my deformed crooked teeth that I’m ashamed to show to anybody look like tombstone teeth so gnarled like a reflection of my fractured psyche. I apply the lipstick in the pitiful hope of appearing presentable. In this video my swan song i will remove my mask and expose my emotional scared face to the world.
After meticulously applying the makeup i clothe my emaciated malnourished body inside the black demure maxi dress. Its a dress I have worn for the rare dates or nights out with friends. I adore this dress it hides all my flaws but it can hide the glaring flares on my face. My body is inside this modest dress for which lat week i wore for my fathers wedding. Then i begin to prepare for the suicide ceremony broadcasted life on YouTube. Its going to be at least an hour before I commence the life recording of my untimely demise. In the meantime i will consume a copious quantity of whisky and smoke a profusion of potent psychoactive cannabis to satiate my desire to get intoxicated for one last time
As i devour shot after shot of the finest American bourbon i play the entirety of my favourite album the seminal closer by joy division. Playing this album is appropriate for this macabre occasion a album which is essentially 45 minute haunting suicide note. The music hits me like a drug allowing the sadness the despair to pulsate round my body throughout the rendition of this album i am on several moments brought close to tears. I blaze several cannabis joints over the course of the hour to the point where I’m hallucinating from the profusion of potent cannabis I’ve inhaled into my lungs. The whisky and weed takes to a blissed out a higher plain of consciousness before i take the devastating act of killing myself. There’s no doubt no wavering in my conviction to carry out this act I want to die. Living this alienated sad life where I’m tortured with anxiety with self loathing and relentless depression is too onerous to bare. When i die the brutal pain of being me a lost forgotten soul who’s vanishing in the vast wilderness of England will end.
The last song decades concludes and with my stoned body i am ready to start the ceremony to end my life after a succinct elucidation of the reasons why i am terminating myself. I put down the shot glass after recklessly devouring another delectable shot of whisky then i saunter over the window take one last look at the outside world as its the nighttime in the heat of July. I hear the distant sounds of dogs barking i see the glorious majestic constellations projected on the clear night sky. Theses awe inspiring illuminations of the infinite cosmos give a final glimpse of the beauty of the universe. Then I close the windows close my black gothic curtains and turn on the crimson lamp. This lamp projects a red ambience in my cozy bedroom before i shoot this concluding video.
With my weary body i am ready to begin the ritual i press record on the camera. I am dressed in my black dress no mask to cover my ravaged face i feel naked before the video begins.It starts my hands are frantically shacking with excitement at the enormity of what I’m doing. I open my mouth hoping that some erudite words will flow out of my consciousness into the video camera.
“Hello this is the beginning of a live stream. I know most of my subscribers viewers are accustomed to seeing myself obscured with a venetian mask. This is my hideous malformed face its so ugly isn’t it. This video i am shooting live today is my final ever video ill be recording for my channel. Its a special event I’m wearing my special black dress i only wear on special occasions. Today i plan to kill myself to take my body from a fully sentient conscious body into a lifeless dead body. I cant handle the pain of being alive anymore its too much everyday i go to work working for publisher i hide my pain i hide my anxiety its torture.”
After the initial articulation i am shacking tears are forming in my eyes I can barely stand up for saying these devastating words. I carry on delineating the reasons i want to die
“I have searched for weeks a reason to stay alive a slim glimmer of hope for why I should carry on existing in a cold godless universe. God has forsaken me i am lost in the perdition of my adulthood feeling so alone only able to communicate my mental illness via a YouTube channel. Last week I attended my fathers wedding i hoped it would be a beacon of hope a lifeline to reinvigorate me. Instead it was hell seeing all those smiling beautiful people enjoying a sacred celebration of love. Whereas i was racked with this anxiety and a sense i don’t to exist anymore. I had to put on this facade of joy smiling insincerely at the photos kissing hugging the attendees. On the inside i was numb i felt dead on the inside. I realised last week that i had to commit suicide. Tonight in the seclusion of my room I intend to end my life I don’t if you can see that sturdy rope hanging from the doors with noose knot firmly tied. I going to die live on camera you live viewers will witness my last breathe my pathetic words as human being.”
I have a waterfall of tears descending down my reach over to my chester drawers where i look at the shrine of my dead mother. I drop to the floor on my knees crying screaming out sorry mum as i look at a collage of her most transcendent images. Then i reach into the drawer and pull out a malicious blade of glass. The same blade I have used to lacerate my arms on a myriad of occasions.
“ Sorry mum sorry world before i place my neck in the noose i going to slash both of arms. I want to feel the excruciating pain before i depart forever into nothingness before i fade before I become dust”
I take the blade and recklessly slash both my arms. I don’t care anymore if i hit an artery or a vein. I take the blade on my underarm and cut deep taking the blade from my elbow close to my wrist dangerously close to a vital artery. Repeating it on my other arm. There is a cornucopia of blood that is emanating from my deep wounds. With my heavily intoxicated body I barely feel the pain of these deep savage cuts my arms are covered in blood. The blood drips on the wooden floor i feel faint from the blood letting.
“I am ugly i am unfit for life. I will never have love or feel the sweet joy of falling in love with a man who loves me who cares for me. Look at my face its hideous its why I have placed mask to veil my face on previous videos. In this world there’s only misery alienation. I wont get better i wont ameliorate my illness its futile to seek help because i cant be saved. I want death i want to disappear I want to nothing more than a fading memory of a sad person.”
With my face submerged in emotion in tears and my body caked in blood so much that it’s stained my perfect favourite back dress i walk over to the rope by my bedroom door. I step onto my writing chair that’s by my door. Place my gaunt neck inside the noose. Then with my neck firmly inside the deadly rope i kick away the chair. Now all i have to do is wait for the ecstasy of death as i am hanging crucifying myself in a desperate act. Blood drips on the floor i am numb only hurting as the noose is slowly killing me chocking me. The camera carries on recording me as i suffer a agonising slow death. I survey my room that looks like a murder scene from a slasher flick. Then the rope is now cutting into my neck i feel the jaws of death round my body. I feel the death rattle my eyes are haunted I want this so badly I want death. Then I take my last breathe before i stop breathing i cease to be i am nothingness the camera has picked up my suicide. I am rendered death to never be conscious again. Life has destroyed my precious spirit now all that pain evaporates from my soul as i become one with death.