Its 7 o’clock in the evening my body is pulsating with anxiety is i am mentally preparing for a date with Kyle. I have masked my glaring imperfections on my porcelain face by putting on my female war paint. I have only an hour before I rendezvous with my date with whom I’ve only corresponded with on instagram and tinder. Its been 6 months of daily interactions in which time we have formed a intimate connection. We became acquainted when he liked each other’s profile photo on tinder then slowly we flirted we shared information about each other. I was impressed with Kyle with the collection of images he displayed on tinder on his instagram. Theres no egoistical selfies in which he displays his immaculate muscular torso. There’s a absence of narcissistic photographs just a collage of demure images of his gorgeous face. Kyle enjoys taken photos of his art of his dog its what attracted me to him. His personality his view of himself appears to be the anthesis of the typical macho man on tinder or instagram looking for sex or a long term partner.
Kyle had been pleading with me for months to go on a casual no strings attached date with no pressure. Time and time again i had declined i was reticent to go out to meet this fantasy of a man in the flesh. The same neurotic thoughts circulated in my mind what if he thought i was ugly or worse boring. I also declined to partake in a evening of culinary delights and loquacious conversation with Kyle largely due to my crippling social anxiety which precludes from living a full rich social life. I made excuses saying i was working I used my university studies as a legitimate excuse as to why i was so hesitant to meet a man whom i was enamoured with. When i was repeatedly declining Kyle kind invitation i was desperate to overcome my fears my anxiety and go on a date with this photogenic chiselled creature. I wanted to finally go on a date to a fall in love to have euphoric sex with a perfect charming man.
The brutal reality of venturing outside going on a date is that there is a strong chance of me suffering another harrowing panic attack from the intense anxiety of the uncomfortable uncertain social setting. Even if I avoided a panic attack it would be a torturous experience with anxiety with a paranoia with the fear the disquietude of being on a date with Kyle. However the desire for love to end the alienation of being afflicted with a social anxiety body dysmorphia and long term depression is why I tentatively accepted this casual date in a quaint local Italian restaurant.
Before i departed from my room i laid on my bed smoked a cannabis joint and listened to calming classical piano music by Chopin. Inhaling this psychoactive mind altering substance and absorbing the melancholic music assuaged my fears and tranquillised briefly my nerves. I laid with my eyes fixed on the ivory ceiling in a mediative state. Then after 20 minutes of being stoned laying on my back i arose from my bed to clothe my scrawny body in the immodest black maxi dress which shows off my curves. Then i place my black ankle boots that perfectly complement my dress perfectly. I got out my large wall mirror which i had kept in my closet from the trauma of seeing my hideous deformed face. Then I applied another layer of seductive red lipstick and felt for once vaguely attractive. In my stoned spaced out mind I was careful to not spend too long scrutinising my appearance in the mirror. Its a momentary glance to check that everything was okay that my lipstick my makeup masked the blemishes the imperfections on my face. Even though it gave me a shudder of revulsion to look at myself i loved the ensemble of low cut black dress and black boots that showcased my curves.
The restaurant where had decided to meet up was in close proximity to my shared student home. Approximately a leisurely 10 minute walk according to google maps on my iPhone. Its 30 minutes still the agreed upon time for our first official date commences. I receive a text message from Kyle its says ❤️🍝🥂 see you in soon. After receiving this text i nervously and instantly respond with a succinct text of 👍. Then i peceive the anxiety surge in my body as am fully cognisant of the enormity of what i am undertaken tonight. This date might be the genesis of a beautiful enduring love story or i might be overcome with anxiety i stay hidden in my room feeling asphyxiated with anxiety attack. Once again i scroll through the collection of alluring image on Kyle instagram. It doesn’t dissipate my anxiety I realise how much more bewitching Kyle is with his perfect iridescent smile that radiates a joy a lust for love. I scroll through our communications i am struck by his charm by his nonthreatening messages.
I begin to breathe heavily and frantically as the time is ticking until our date commences. I’m on my knees with my head in my hands trying diligently to recapture my composure not know I’m saying repeatedly in my head as a mantra to avert another panic attack. It works after several minutes of rocking back and forth with my head in my sweating and unable to breathe freely I recover from a minor panic attack. I then get up fix myself try to remain calm stable stay to maintain a facade of normality i try to mask the interior universe of anxiety and self loathing that threatens to thwart my future happiness. I casually stroll outside my room say goodbye to my roommates and friends Sarah and Aisha. They both hug wishing me well on my excursion into the stormy waters of dating. I feel a brief moment of solace before i leave for my first real date as a adult women. Then i say my goodbyes with a tumult of unease rumbling in my empty stomach as i walk outside the sanctuary the safety of my house to the turbulence the disorder of the outside. Tonight i will have to face my social phobia to face my debilitating fear of the fear of the unknown of people of intimacy of extensive protracted conversation with a virtual stranger.