Its 3 o’clock in the afternoon i am laying prostate in the warmth of my bed. In my bed in a state of shock being rendered almost catatonic from the trauma of suffering another panic attack. Yesterday i had planned to attend my dental appointment despite the disquietude that I experience when attending the dentist. Going outside and spending a protracted period of time in a dental practise is a psychologically torturous endeavour. Yesterday i was forced to deal with my 2 crippling phobias my social anxiety and my deep rooted fear of the dentist.
The panic attack occurred shortly after i left to travel to the local dental practise. I felt like i was dying I couldn’t breathe. I kept repeating i cant breathe in my head i than frantically ran to the local public lavatory where I collapsed for up to an hour. The entire experience was traumatic i felt so vulnerable so fragile utter alone in my panic attack. I rushed home ran up to the sanctuary of my room where I’ve remained ensconced in a state of anxiety. I lay on my bed holding my pink teddy bear for comfort for hours. Eventually i was able to move my frozen traumatised body and put on my red jimjams to hide under the cover of my duvet.
Today i am still reeling from the ordeal i endured from a psychological deleterious panic attack. I spend most of the day laying in bed shivering crying in a languid inert state. Today i was supposed to attend a variety of lectures i am too emotionally damaged to even leave my room. What if i suffered another terrifying panic attack in public in my university campus. The horror the humiliation of another panic attack in public. I have locked my bedroom door turned off my mobile phone and not informed my university of my absence or my severe bout of anxiety that i was afflicted with yesterday. Also I have yet to rearrange my dental appointment for which i failed to attend as a consequence of a acute panic attack. Really I don’t know whether i can ever again go to the dentist. The psychological trauma the ptsd i am suffering right now was so severe i might have to eschew the dentist for the remainder of my life. The anxiety the threat of another painful attack event is too risky for me to even contact my dentist.
Still discombobulated from the pernicious panic attack I get up survey the surroundings of my room. There is a avalanche of tissue paper on the floor from the profusion of tears that cascading down my face yesterday. My monochrome duvet looks disheveled I need to make my bed. I start to play ambient electronic music on my Bluetooth headphones. Its the spacey out music of tangerine dream that helps to assuage my anxiety that transforms my mood to a serene state. I make my bed as the dreamlike music echoes in my ears. I get rid of the deluge of rubbish and clothing from my wooden floor. Placing the clothing in my bulging laundry basket and finally leaving my room to venture outside as i go inside the bathroom facilities.
With me in the bathroom I carry with me the casual clothing i will be wearing for the day. I want to elevate my despondent weary mood my having a shower and changing my clothing. Tentatively I walk into the bathroom with a face encumbered with emotional anguish . I can perceive my breathe I pray to god to not let myself suffer another panic attack. I enter the unsafe kingdom of the bathroom with enormous apprehension i glimpse my face in the mirror. I look like a broken grieve stricken person it appears so pallid no colour no vitality. I wash my porcelain face hoping to wash away the pain that I accumulated in the previous day. Then i prepare to get in a long hot shower to refresh my body. I need to replenish my body to cleanse my body to wipe away those invisible tears.
The shower is long i feel revitalised after soaking my melancholic body wiping away all the sadness all the toxicity all the anxiety off the panic attack. I again glimpse myself in the mirror i still appear almost suicidal with my stony face devoid of colour. I smear some foundation and eyeliner on my face and smile a ebullient gleaming smile. This is how i wont to appear to the outside world to put on this facade a sanguine mood to my housemates. I wont let the mask slip to reveal the depths of my sadness or even to confide with my housemates that i suffer from social anxiety and had a severe panic attack. I have kept the myriad of psychological conditions a secret from my friends. I suffer from severe bouts of depression yet they are completely ignorant of how mental ill i am. They are utterly unaware of how i have self harmed my body that i enjoy to masochistically lacerate my arms to end the pain of being me.
I vacate the bathroom with my casual clothing my flowers long sleeved shirt and black skinny jeans then as I’m in the hallway I wear the soft footsteps of my friend Aisha. She is a housemate who’s studying at Cambridge to be a qualified doctor. Aisha comes up to me wraps her warm arms around me and gives me a prolonged hug. I told Aisha yesterday i was suffering from a stomach bug which is why i quarantined myself in my room. She bought the white lie i was able to conceal my agony my anxiety. Now though she’s hugging me in a effusive display of platonic affection. My paranoid mind is worried she can see through my lie that she is cognisant that I’m suffering from a untreated illness. The hug though feels so good to have human being melt away the pain to be validated to feel alive. I wish I wasn’t so secretive that I wasn’t this emotionally repressed english women. I want to unload to divulge my pain to Aisha. As she hugs me for what seems like a eternity i become emotionally I have to halt the tears that are threatening to bursts out of my eyelids. Before Alisha glimpses my face i gather myself and adopt this calm normal exterior. Aisha lets go off me and says
“Are you alright you’ve spent all day in bed. Is your stomach still bothering you are is something else on your mind”
I respond in a calm assured manner that conceals the trauma of my panic attack “I’m fine Aisha I’m fine”
Aisha responds with a credulous sincere look upon her life affirming face
“okay I believe you if your feeling fully recovered do you want to come down stairs and watch some Netflix with me”
I respond laconically “yeah sure”
I saunter to my room with my arms shacking from putting on that masquerade of normality. I have to pretend to Aisha and my other housemate Sarah that I’m not overcome with anxiety fortunately they haven’t asked me to go outside for a evening of socialising and immoderate consumption of alcohol. I have to conceal my illness to survive with a social hindering anxiety disorder. I don’t see a therapist or undertake a diet of anti anxiety medication. I have to live with the torture of a acute anxiety disorder. Fortunately tonight i can bask in the serene ambience of my closest friends company. No panic attacks no hyperventilating just the ameliorating atmosphere of my closet comrades who have helped to prevent my condition my depression from becoming more serious.