I awake from another night where I slept for a few hours. I seldom get a good nights sleep since i was condemned by this punitive prison to be confined in my solitary confinement cell. I was placed here for a minor transgression of the rules of the prison. It was decided by a vindictive sadistic prison guard that my crime of being found having a illegal number of cigarettes in my cell warranted a prolonged stay in solitary confinement or ad seg. You can’t appeal there’s no court no justice you’re simply a number a dehumanised other existing in a sub human prison system that has striped you of you’re humanity.
For 562 days i have counted I have existed in solitary confinement in the harshest most brutal inhumane conditions. There’s nobody to talk only the distant echoes of fellow prisoners in close cells screaming singing whistling talking to themselves in order to retain some semblance of sanity. In my cell which for over a year i have been locked inside with the harshest conditions I have been subjected to. With 24 hours of no human contact whatsoever no reading materials no tv no stimulus no sunlight no windows. My cell is a claustrophobic white cell with white walls that are slowly deteriorating after decades. The walls speak to me i hear voices and words that appear on the walls. All that exists in this sparse decorated cell is a single bed with a thin cover that keeps my emaciated body warm in the chill of winter. There’s no luxurious duvet of satin sheets that I fantasise about its a rough bed with a mattress that is unforgiving to my fragile back. You never sleep for longer than a few hours in this bed i dream of a 8 hour sold block of sleep. The rest of the cell there’s a small table where i am permitted to write. I have been allocated a pen and a reasonable amount of paper to record to delineate my thoughts my ordeal of existing in this torturous isolated place. Over than that there’s a small toilet where i can perform my bodily functions and a small gap in the door where the nutritionally insufficient repugnant meals are served to us.
Every day is the same just staring inanely at these 4 walls the lack of colour or sign of life just these ashen walls and the constant vexatious flickering of the fluorescent light. I may sound paranoid but its my assertion that this light has been deliberately placed there to further psychological torture the prisoners. Every day the same no difference as the hours stroll by as you begin to slowly lose your grip on reality. There’s not a soul to speak with no conversation at all. I have taken to occasional speak to myself to keep my sanity to elucidate my thoughts out loud.
When i was placed in this unforgiving sequestered location for the firsts few days and weeks it was real relatively pleasant. Sure I experienced a intense boredom with being unable to communicate with another soul with feeling like a ghost waiting to die. However i felt human I felt alive the auditory and visual hallucinations hadn’t set in. After weeks of being subjected to extreme torturous isolation I started to crack. Before i was relocated to this isolation chamber this torture chamber of solitary confinement i suffered from sporadic bouts of depression. Suffering from depressed states to the point i require a regular diet of anti depressant medications to mitigate my mental illness. However after been transported to this human purgatory i was denied my medication. The cruel spiteful prison guards and prison administration denied me these vital medication that alleviates my depression.
This inhumane hellhole strips you of your humanity that treats you like a thing a it a plaything to be slowly psychologically tortured and broken down. After the initial first weeks of being denied any human company that is a fundamental requirement for the majority of the human race I began to crack to fray in a downwards spiral. I negated the torture my starting a strictly maintained routine. I would write a copious volume of poetry and a daily journal on the provided writing material. I meditated for hours at a time meditating spending hours fantasising of being in another more alluring environment. Dreaming as i lay prostrate on my callous bed with my eyes firmly closed as being intimate with a attractive buxom women. Dreaming of going on a date consuming a exorbitant volume of alcohol with a my lover as we engage in a evening of enthralling conversation. Dreaming of being on the outside being able to speak to people to enjoy being alive instead of being confined in this monochrome unbelievably dull setting with the walls getting closer. The mediation the writing helped to offset the suicidal thoughts that circled around my slowly deteriorating mind.
After a months or 2 the writing the mediation the childish games i played to negate the intense boredom lost the effect. The dark thoughts grow louder the hallucinations were more prevalent in my defective mind. I heard voices in the wind in the coming from the cracks in the walls in the howls of the wind. Voices appearing louder and more vociferous in my psyche. In the walls i saw colours appear i saw words all around my enclosed cell. These symptoms of my decent into sanity as a consequence of existing in this detrimental cruel situation were giving me enormous grief. I became increasingly anxiety ridden i pleaded yelled at the guards to let me speak to a psychiatrist or given me the medication i desperately required to keep alive. The sadistic sneering guards ignore my vehement requests laughing spitting at me. One occasion a guard came into my torture chamber and beat me several times with his blunt stick. This left me brushed and battered after that I stopped complaining i learned to comply to this barbaric system that robs of your humanity. I leaned to never speak to never converse out loud to never answer back or risk another injurious beating. Then I became fully cognisant of my dire situation that i was one of thousands who were virtual ghosts waiting to die in this hell. Nobody cared for my disintegrating mental and physical health that i would perhaps live and die in this isolated barbaric place.
Initially i expected to be placed here for a few weeks for a minor infarction of a rule for prisoners. In solitary i incurred i extension to my sentence in ad seg after talking to the guards arguing with them not keeping my room at a appropriate level of cleanliness. All these minor transgressions were met with extension after extension by a punitive prison that places human beings in confinement without sunlight without people for years.
I write down a brief summation of my 562 days in pure hell on pure white paper on a rock hard chair. In the hope these words will somehow get to the public so they’ll see my words that articulate the daily endless psychological torment of my room. In writing these words i am able to lucidly depict what this pernicious malicious practise of housing inmates in solitary does to human being. I am full cognisant that the plurality of the American populous doesn’t regard as human beings worthy of humane treatment inside these correctional facilities. That the American population sees us with contempt that they have disregarded us that we are the underclass the forgotten souls lost inside the torture chambers of this brutal system of punishment. I write to express what being placed in 24 hours does to a person it slowly removes your humanity it breaks you leaving you scarred lost. Theses no escape no abatement for the endless interminable loneliness of solitary confinement. I pray to god that one glorious day I leave this desolate place and be able to enjoy the beauty of human company. When that glorious blessed day occurs the scars of my time in solitary confinement will forever haunt me the memories of this torture chamber of perennial isolation will never leave my damaged soul.