Since i was a teenager i have been afflicted with a crippling shyness. A social anxiety that has metastasised into a impairing personality disorder. When i was a precious introspective adolescent i was a deeply introverted individual who struggled to formulate friendships who was tortured with feelings of self loathing. The anxiety was pervasive in my formative years being outside interacting with strangers was always a arduous task. At school I experienced a tolerable level of anxiety where the social anxiety was mitigated by the few friends i hung around with. The self loathing in combination with the crippling social anxiety lead me to leaving a lonely withdrawn adolescent life. I struggled to connect with women with whom i was sexually attracted to. Just breaking the ice starting a conversation with a attractive women was too onerous too psychological gruelling for my neurotic anxiety laden personality. Consequently i never was able to cultivate a romantic relationship with a women they seemed so allusive to my socially inhibited teenage mind.
As I progressed from a extremely introverted adolescent who eschewed the majority of the typical teenage pursuits because of being tormented with socially anxiety. The anxiety only grow more severe in my adult years. I retained this withdrawn aloof persona i refrained from going out. My school friendships drifted apart as a consequence of this detrimental personality disorder. I wanted desperately to find intimacy to find love to find friendships but the reality of being around other people was so strenuous so burdensome I retreated into a hermit life. Friends would effusively request my company in nights out. I wanted the experience of getting drunk with my lifelong friends and luxuriating in their company. However the anxiety of being outside where there strangers attractive judging me looking down on me was tortuous. Even with the blissful effects of alcohol the anxiety was too intense for nights out with my cohorts to enjoyable. I made excuses i declined to answer the phone. When they arrived at my lonely one bedroomed residence i pretended I wasn’t home.
This was in the early stages that my avoidant personality disorder was developing. It had began to adversely affect the quality of my social life and was impairing my vocational prospects. With the daily torment of being in close proximity to strangers i had decided to work in a socially isolating profession where having limited social skills wasn’t a impediment to being employed. I worked in a warehouse where there was sparse conversation with my workplace colleagues. The conversations where infrequent as i exchanged replied to there small talk with terse monosyllabic responses. In this cavernous warehouse environment i barely spoke i put on a aura of aloofness to protect my fragile anxiety ridden personality. Even in this socially isolating venue i suffered from intolerable levels of disquietude. The simple act of meeting people coming intro contact having to be friendly having there judging contemptuous eyes castigating my entire appearance was intensely stressful.
A standard day in my pathetic lonely life in which i avoid any protracted interaction with strangers with anybody at all would commence i was awoke in the early hours. Usually i arise from the bliss of my slumber at around 8 o’clock. Giving me the requisite time to prepare my body and mind for the date;y ordeal of another 8 hours in my menial factory job. I leave the safety of my tiny enclave to purchase some basic food items at the local convenience shop. As I leave for a short traversal to the shop i place my noise cancelling headphones in my ears. I play a collection of rock music at a thunderous volume in order to block out the ambient noises of traffic of passing conversations. The anxiety i experience in this abrupt journey is negated by me losing myself in the meditative music.
The stress is alleviated as I traverse on foot to this shop. As i leave my anxiety heightens i ignore any passing strangers always looking downwards at the floor. There’s no smiling no joy or emotion whatsoever on my robotic face that’s ridden with panic levels of anxiety. After 10 minutes of travels i arrive for the ordeal of purchasing a some bread and milk from the local shop owner. The simple rudimentary act of paying for some food goods is intensely stressful. The shop owner asks for the money for the food items I intends to buy. I obey his requests then he packages the food item in a bag. After this awkward exchange of food and money he says goodbye with a warm beaming smile. I respond by saying thank you in my characteristically cold manner never smiling never allowing myself to be vulnerable my appearing friendly. The momentary encounter which occurs several times a week has my heart racing with anxiety. I feel ashamed at being me i feel ugly on the inside in being outside all alone surrounded by people in this uncontrollable social setting. Then i briskly walk home to my aesthetically unappealing 1 bedroomed flat. After 10 minutes of travel of more anxiety i arrive home to my sanctuary my fortress of solitude. I prepared my entire being for approximately 9 hours of being on the outside going to work. Leaving the safety of my home for another 8 hours of toiling work in a soulless job where there’s this unrelenting anxiety i am forced to endure.
I vacate my home making certain i have the stress reducing music blaring in my eyes at all times. I want to forget I’m on the outside so the music that plays at a unhealthy level assuages the distress of being around strangers. I languidly saunter to the modern factory its a short 30 minute journey as I travel on my own without people. I am lost in the enticing inner world of music i try to forget the next 8 hours that awaits me. I wont have the ameliorating impact of noise cancelling music to appease my anxiety. On several occasions in my miserable warehouse I have been afflicted with anxiety attacks. Attacks where the stress is so severe i suffer a attack in which i feel like i am dying. I cant catch a breath i am frantically hyperventilating. In these occasions I rush to the toilet to hide myself to not make a spectacle of myself. I don’t want the attention I want the stress to abate to a tolerable level.
On this day i arrive in the rusty gates of my warehouse and remove my headphones as i enter the fortress of doom. I encounter a profusion of workplace colleagues all of which I ignore. Never smiling never exchanging pleasantries just acting like my don’t exist. Then i can feel the stress intensifying as these prying eyes are fixed upon my deformed pallid emaciated body. With every passing colleagues i in my fevered paranoid state imagine all the awful thoughts they are thinking about me. I see in there eyes the contempt the utter disdain for me this lowly nothing person with no friends who has nothing to offer humanity. The typical workday transpires with a series of stress inducing encounters with my workplace associates. These workers with there bodies coated in tattoos with ragged faces broken my a life of labour. Faces displaying rough gnarled broken teeth look at me with repugnance with glaring unfriendly stares. I keep myself hidden refrain from participating in any loquacious conversation mostly i am silent for the plurality of the day. On this standard day i am placed in a particular task which gives me a reasonable levels of solitude. I can disappear into a private fantasy world which I frequently use to escape the unbearable distress of these unsafe social situations. In my head i want to be like the rest of these strange people who are comfortable in their own skin. Who can’t cultivate with ease relationships who can express emotions who can be vulnerable and achieve a modicum of intimacy. I am not like these people i am a stranger a outsider who will feel safe and secure around people. The only serenity i feel is in my flat away from people away from the world away from the pain in my lonely place.
After 8 hours of relentless anxiety the day finally ends in approximately at 6 o’clock. I wait in the toilets as the rest of my colleagues are queuing up waiting to leave this desolate workplace environment. Even the seemingly simple task if waiting in a queue in close proximity to a cavalcade of employees is unbearable. I wait for several minutes until the queue has dissipated entirely. Then i clock off leave the dreary warehouse without smiling without expressing a singular emotion. This external stoic visage is a way of protecting myself form the callousness of people. This persona i have cultivated as my disorder has grown more severe is a means of protecting myself from the pain of intimacy.
This standard unremarkable humdrum concludes with me briskly walking home to the safety to the solace of my abode. I walk home at a expeditious pace wanting to be inside where nobody will judge me with there glaring icy eyes. In this short journey home i again listen to a collection of melodic melancholic music which puts me in a relaxed tranquil state. The stress of work alleviate slightly as i am lost in my own private world of wonder and dreams. I dream of being in love with a beguiling women of my dreams. I dream of being physically intimate with a ethereal beauty who transforms me who eases all the pain all the depression away. Then after 30 minutes of vivid fantasying i arrive home effusively locking my front door. I collapse to the floor take a deep breathe and finally feel free from the claustrophobia of being trapped on the outside. Now I’m free to be myself to escape the reality of the world. Nobody is allowed inside my private kingdom as i escape from the daily trauma of being afflicted with a avoidant personality disorder. Occasionally I look outside I see the iridescent nighttime panorama i feel a ache of sadness. I fervently want to be a part of that world of people wanting to be a gregarious extrovert who lives a rich life. Instead I’m confined to be a virtual recluse desperately alone wanting somebody to connect with.
I desperately want intimacy I want the ecstasy of falling in love. These fundamental human experiences are inconceivable with somebody like me being encumbered with a socially debilitating personality disorder. I fantasise about falling in love with a voluptuous luscious redhead who imbues me with feelings of euphoria. I want a life surrounded with people I want to travel the globe visiting exotic picturesque settings. These dreams will never be fulfilled as i will remain a sad empty creature condemned to a life of perennial isolation as this pernicious personality disorder slowing kills my dreams.
One day i will arise and realise I cant face being alive anymore. The grim reality of being this along without people existing in a boring job that pays me starvation wages will push to the edge of sanity. That day i surmise is coming soon as the symptoms of this disorder grow more prevalent in my damaged personality.